EmotionLess.

Sigh !!

Finally Chicku left !
Perhaps its the last time we met. Dont know where I would be next time when she returns to Bhubaneswar. I had thought that it wud be quite an emotional moment when she would leave.Definitely! Why not ?
She has been such a great friend and we have spent so many years together.And suddenly the time has come when we are departing.It was very ovious that I would have wet eyes and stuff.I still remember my school days when we used to discuss about the future and the time when we would depart with no knowledge at all when we would meet next.And the time finally came when we departed with in fact no knowledge about our future.The future which seems to be so unpredictable,so void to me.But the certaininty exists about my absence the next time she visits this place.There would be no Abhisek to recieve her at 4.40 am and no Abhisek to see her off at 3.15 pm.

In spite of all these thoughts the expected did not happen.I was completely emotionless with her departure.I had virtually no thoughts about these things.I was blank.Blank with nothin at all.I never expected this to happen.How did i become so harsh to my own emotions ? where is the feel ? Who is this sitting within me ? Is it the same Me ? I did everything dat was expected from me. Had been to the station half an hour before.Was there till the train left.A simple shake of the hand and the feel of the warmth in her palms,the sweat coming into my palms from hers said it all.She was tensed and was really stressed.Kept waving my hands till she was lost in the crowd.

But.....

But still I dont feel dat she has left and we wont be meeting for a complete year or more supposedly.Searching for the reasons for such a dead state of mine.The blood is expected to flow and the heart to beat.But there isnt anything,nothin absolutely.Just a numbness exists.

Few reasons which may answer my this state :-
1.My Project report submission and the mounting end sem tension has kept me preoccupied.I m damn busy wid my professional life.Having both tired mind and body.
2.The ovious fact that we would definitely meet someday.
3.The pace with which everything happened (her coming from home to bbsr,my meeting her today and her leaving occured within three hours) didnt give me enough time to realise the fact that she is leaving.
4.Presence of her mom at the station.
5.Presence of a great friend named Pooja who made me at ease emotionally.
6.That we r such good friends,distance factor would hardly affect our friendship.
7.She would never change.
8.I have taken her for granted.
9.We have seen many ups and downs in our friendship and there has been such tuff period when we didnt meet for two years.Still we were the same when we met after the crisis.Literally nothing matters !
10.We will b in touch through phone and mail.
11.I have learnt how to live without her when she left BBSR for the first time in june.
12.I have grown up :P...hehehe
13.Amit's Presence.
14.My inability to judge the situation and feel it.
15.I have become too rigid and built a heart of stone out of all the past experiences.

All the above reasons seem to be quite enough to justify my such unusual behavior.

Even i m amazed at this change in ME.I hope this is for the good !!

Problem Solving

Do we really need some one to slove our problems ?

We mostly turn to a person when we r in some problem and we think we are lost.That person may b our best friend,our parents,our teacher or anybody.But is it necessary dat we shud turn to dem for problem solving?

Do these people know more dan us about our problems ?

Do they really understand the position in which we r in ?

Are they the best person to judge the situation n find a suitable solution ?

The person to whom we turn to may b the person who best understands us.But not necessarily dat person wud understand the situation best.

Few months back i was so much dependent on few people dat i never knew how wud I live without them.It was like death witout them.Any problem I faced it used to be like i would approach some of the best pals that i have got like Satrujeet,Chicku,Amit and Prachi.I used to b too much dependent on them and i used to feel that since they knw me so well and understand each part of me, so they r the best persons to evaluate a situation or a problem I m in.And I used to leave the whole of solving the problem upto them.

But things have changed in dese few months.As they say changes do come for the good.And i can say that the changes dat have come in my life have at least helped me realise that who else can understand my problems dan me myself.Its me who is facing the problem and i know wht r the circumstances.So how can some one else even my best friend understand until and unless he is nt experiencing it.I dont say that I dont need them but wht i wanna say that its finally me only who can find the best solution for myself.Since i can b the best person to judge the situation,i can find a way out.And believe me i now feel dat though these people still play a vital role in my life but still i wud never ever feel lost and feel helpless when they are nowhere near by.I knw they all r there for me anytime but i can atleast understand my situaion the best.

So when in a problem i dont think its always our friends who wud help us.they wud definitely b there to b our support.But when its time to act and take a decision we shud alway turn to our own conscience.We should fight the situation ourselves.

Problems are not deamons.They are just a phase of life.
Just a song comes often to just show the phalacy of these problems - Zindegi Kaisi hai Paheli Hai Kabhi Yeh Hasaye Kabhi Ye Rulaye....

Stupid Me !!

Things seem to be so simple and wht a stupid m I in concluding things so quickly.I really sometimes wonder why do i come to conclusions so quick !! And everytime I conclude something or other I just think of my blog and the thing dat wud go into it related to dat conclusion.The way i wud put it,the way i wud start and all blah blah blah.I just create my blog in the mind and wish I was at the laptop to jot down whatever i feel at that particular moment.

But sigh !!

Dats not alwaz possible.

Diwali Day !!

First Conclusion :

The day is fabulous.Beautiful morning.Complete chutti from work and regular activities.Ideal break one can wish for after such a long week.Visit to friend's place and purchase of fire crackers for the perfect firework in the evening.

Second Conclusion (not exactly a conclusion but a sort of realisation) :

Diyas !!

Deepak !!

They r the perfect example of a person's life.They can teach u a lot.Just need to have a look at them.Observe right from the beginning dat it is lighted and the fabulous flame growing just like a baby.

In the process of lighting dem in the evening i could feel how nice it is to create something.The flame,the light,the child.For the first time i could feel how great it must be to be a dad.How gentle a just born child wud be ! How caring we need to be to nurture and protect our siblings.How amazing it must have been to be a father.How proud u feel when u r a dad and when u r successful in growing ur child where u want dem to be.This all feeling came to me as i went on lighting diyas one by one.Giving brith to a new life.A new world.That which could not manage to sustain its own weight(the flame i m talking of ) ,that which has no existence of its own without my support, wud very soon give light to the world.Remove all darkness and bring in all dat happiness which we aspire for.

I also realised dat nothing happens so easily.A diya which promises to enlighten everything and be a great warrior against the darkness,also has to take time to come upto its potential.It is potent enuff to do so.But it also needs time.It too has to struggle against all odds.I could see dat everytime I lit a diya it was not suddenly dat it got into its actual form.It too takes time.When the light itself takes time to come up why do we being just humans want everything to be done instantly.Why do we want to achieve everything without doing anything and any struggle? That everything has tto undergo a natural and gradual process.We need to give in our hundred percent.

The diya gives happiness and light to all.But what does it get?Its own base is in darkness.Burns itself for otehrs just to get nothing for itself.We too need to be selfless and now I just remember one of my friends saying me "bas social work and service kar....kya milta hai? doosron ka kaam hi bas karta reh..."

I can just say that I would still go ahead with my social service or whatever u name it just for the reason dat i wud never aspire to get anything in return.I dont expect anything.Its just my pleasure.

Third Conclusion :

A good news and what can i ask for.A perfect gift on diwali.A friend's personal life which had been so unsure and the guilt with which she used to be in has finally come to an end.A fullstop !

Hats off to her to b so courageous and to accept all truth and face it before her family.Hope everything goes fine with her from now on.

Final Conclusion ( A setback ) :

How is it dat my deartest friend forgot to wish me.How can he be so rude.How did he behave so indifferent.First time he hurt me.I too did.I had to. Things got serious.Can he be such ? Its the Influence of his friends. He has become so insensible and has gone away from me.I have lost a good friend.He has to b sory for all dat he did.The whole day is a waste.Nothing is good.It was the worst time i ever had.What will i expect from others when its him who could do this.

This is really stupid of me to have come to such conclusions in just a day.

Can I be more composed and stable?

Am I so imbalanced with my thoughts and feelings?

Shud i be more stable ?

Should I give time to all dat happens around me?

To speak frankly all these four questions have only a single answer which is a YES !

I cant derive things so easily.How can I hurt my own friend?I accept that i was rude enuff.I didnt take his words lightly which he never meant seriously.He was joking definitely as i m very sure.I should not have disconnected the call and switched off the mobile.I was bit hyper with my approach.He was not right but I was also not right in my behavior.I m guilty and I will have to sort out the things tomorrow.Have to say sorry so many times which i too dont know what will be the final count of it. Hehe !!

I m such an idiot and a fool.I m just a Stupid u See !!

Day THREE : 29th Sept

.......contd from day two (Kolkata Trip)

Day Three Unplugged !!

Day three was the best day of the trip.It was on dat dat all the friends got together.It was day full of masti.Completely dedicated to Masti.Had no specific breakfast,no lunch and even evening went without food.except the dinner which was awesome.

Day started with a movie in INOX in city centre and guess wht movie. It was Pyar Ke Side Effects !!:)

Cant just describe the movie except dat it was superb and the humour was just like Rahul Bose.Rahul has his own style altogether n sometimes i wonder why is he not thr in mainstream Bolywood ?
Little bit exaggerated a movie bt was good.The experience of INOX was superb.

Den was the journey to the place we were most excited about.It was the Aquatica.Place which had its attaction before the trip was planned.Had nice time with all friends.Exciting rides with water n water everywhere.I had previously water phobia but it didnt matter.Enjoyed every moment at the place with loads of pics being taken.Almost 5hrs at the place had taken away all d energy.It was quite tiring and that too when we had no lunch.But still we enjoyed.It was made more exciting with rain.It was really so romantic but everything was too cold n we all were shivering due to wind.

Got back to the main city and it was time to go for pandal viewing.Well it was den 7 in d evening.Had no energy but still had to since we had no time in hand to cover all places.Nyways the attarction was the big 3 storey building of Haldiram's.Could not blv that an Indian country has such a big center.It had all sorts of food and the dinner was complete indian and spicy.

The biggest prb in Kolkata was the time taken in travelling.That was the most boring part of the trip.Every time we got into a bus or a auto it was like one hour pakka.

The best thing and uniue thing that i marked is that the whole city celebrates Durga Puja.Eevry building and every house (big or small) with decorations and lightings.Beautifully made lights and the hanging lights gave it an image as if a light city.All places had their unique feature of style.Lights were the main attraction.The excitement and the interest with which people celebrate and enjoy is quite remarkable.Their way of being attached to their own culture is quite admirable.
You would find people of all ages and even ladies coming out of their houses in the evening.Going from one pandal to another throughout the night.Pandals had queues till 5kms and more.Still people had the enthu to keep going.they enjoyed this.Standing in a queue was their Puja enjoyement.That their energetic and enthu was too much.Even The taxis,trains,metro,auto and buses kept running whole night.

Hats off to the people of Kolkata and their culture.
Amazing stuff !!!

Those Days Are Back...Just for a DAY

My heart was longing for such a day!

I was missing something but really didnt know what it was.

The days have gone by when I used to have the company of my friend.How desparate I had been to meet Chicku ! And finally what i saw at 4.45am was Her.Finally she is back.

Yes She is back !!

The joys knews no boundaries and had to flow by like from the Gangotri.The flash of her sweet smile said it all.It was we meeting each other and she had landed on BBSR (the place she used to give a damn before has now become heaven for her). The bubbling words and the spark of happiness clearly shone in her eyes.

Her talks started right from the time we met and she went on and on explaining all the experiences and happenings at the new place.It was so nice listening to her talks though we were still in the station until it became morning and sun came up.It was 6am when we left the station.But till then it was all she. The excitement with which she went on saying abt her new coll,new friends,faculty,the environment and every damn thing dat had happened to her at the new place. It was like burst of emotions.I just kept on listening to her and looking at the twinkle she had in her eyes. I Feel really blessed dat thr is one person who looks upto me in every part of her life.That really matters a lot.What made me glad and happy is dat though we have now diff friend circle and all together different environment,she still needs me as she used to when we were in school.That Own feeling (apnapan in hindi) made the day for me.

As we drove along the road i could hear her saying "this is the filling station i used to fuel my scooty,this is the place we used to come for fast food,this is the opolfed i used to go to for bread and so on n on ".I too had a complete flash back of all the places and things dat we had associated with the places. Lovely memories moved through the mind as the subtle cold wind kissed my eyes and the nose.Silence prevailed as we both were lost remembering all the past days.

Plan was to make the day exactly as those days when Chicku used to b there.So we visited all those places dat we used to visit regularly starting from The CCD in front of Ram Mandir. Bowed my head in front of the Almighty for this day.Innumerable topics were discussed and they changed like the waves in the sea,each losing its identity with the evolution of the other.Then the Forum Mart where she again went on saying abt her new friends this time with more of support for her i.e. the CD full of pics of her friends and the events they enjoyed at Mumbai(yaar main pura pak gaya aur yeh use pata na chale :P).But i m now glad that she has a bunch of friends who will b there for her alwaz and she is happy which was not the case initially.Truely Happy For HER !!

Went to Barista through the road she used to love.The four laned road with white mercury lights on its just heaven.Stopped the bike and just few mins on the pavement.It was awesome and i remembered the first day i had brought her to this place.She had gone mad dat day!

But today i could see her enjoying the very sight and the moonlight.Calm n composed.Her eyes spoke of everything dat she felt.

Finally it was Barista n around 9pm when i left her.But as i was on the way to leave her i just asked her one question "why do we meet to depart ?"

and she replied perfectly saying "dats wht life is all about"

And suddenly i realised dat this would b the last time we would meet at BBSR coz next time when she returns i wont b thr since i would have also left bbsr and joined CTS at some other place.These sweet memories are created so as to take dem with us as we depart n move alone in life.

It was after so many months that i was so happy and moving around in the evening.After she had left i had stopped roaming in the evening.either my time passed by by remaining indoors watching TV or netting.But today i felt as if the those days have come back and i m living the past all over again.How nice it would have been if we had a rewind button and we could get back to the exact frame we wanted to ? To live that moment again that our heart alwaz keeps close to itself !!

Just the thought of the reality dat she would leave soon enuff and to meet her next would be a rare possibility created some particles in my eyes that had had few droplets deep within.

Songs dat she murmurred all the day and wud remind me of this day for years to come were:

Tere Bin Kaisa jeeya Tere Bin

Kyun aaj kal neend kam khwab jyada hain

Kabhi alvida na kehna

She would finally leave soon for her new world leaving my heart pounding for each such day.

The Wait !

3 Months and 19 days !

The wait for my Friend.A friend i have rarely talked about wid people around me.The reason being i never had the necessity of doing so because we r two diff people altogether when we r together which no second person can ever know and understand.
She is the only friend from school, who has been in contact with me since school days.This feels great to look back at times where we used to b together n looking at the postion where we r standing now.Its like two diff ends of the world.World has changed so much.But we havent changed much for each other since years.

We had been in contact all through out and she had been in my city for over last three years.But last June she left for her MBA.

But she will b back soon.Had been waiting for her.I knw how the days went without her who had been like evening prayer for me since three years.Still remember those days when we used to meet everyday in the evening and i used to have all my plans cancelled for her.

Such had been the days.Missing her each day each fternoon and most importantly each evening.But today the wait will be over.she will b reaching at the station at 4 am. And guess what ?

I m at my friends' place to be able to recieve her.My eyes have won the war and sleep is nowhere near.The excitement to meet her has grown like a dragon.The ticking of the watch and the fan moving around had made me feel more excited as the time is going by.But why do I feel dat the watch is running late and the time machine has been switched off ?

These days passed by counting the number of days left to meet next.I remember each call dat was made had the mention of number of days left from her soothing and anxious voice.That she too has been desparate to come back to her place makes me feel wonderful.How will it be ?
Though she had left long back but everything is in the same place.I still dont have any plans in the evening for tomorrow.I have been spending time indoors in the evening.I didnt have to make excuses that i used to make at home to move out when she was there at BBSR.But yes i miss those days.

My longing heart still waits for her to be back in BBSR.I dont knw what will be my reaction when I meet her after so many days.Days have passed by, which never seemed to pass by.But glad dat Finally we have reached this position when we would meet just after another one and half hours from Now.

Waiting Waiting Waiting...
So tuff a job !!

Day TWO : 28th Sept

What a morning !

Cant be better than this.Just awesome. The feel of being in a different place.As if everything had been all set for us to welcome.The breeze had its own charm.That which had been reserved for us.Colorful trees and beautiful birds.

Wild thoughts and wild dreams.

The wish to explore the whole new world.Moving to a different world. But the feel of loneliness seemed to creep as i could feel the busy life at Kolkata.It was early morning and not even sun had taken its place.But thats wat seemed to b so much like true metro and India.people and people around.

Finally reached the place where we wud b halting. Bansdroni,Netajinagar Gachhtala....sweet name !

Places we moved through out the day after a bit of rest :

Salt Lake,City Centre,Nicco Park,Labony and many names dat i cud neither pronounce nor know wht dey meant.Left it to our sweet little friend to understand since she was from kolkata.

Had loads of fun at Nicco Park.Thr was little bit of drizzle which made it wonderful.The most intresting part in it was the discussions which i had with my friend Pragya on people wearing dresses which few could carry themselves in it and few who could not.And how the dressing sense of people(specially girls) give the idea of their bent of mind and modernity.Can they ever manage to be fit into a typical Indian culture and many such wierd discussions.One thing that i could learn is dat Pragya is a good Debator but she never participates in any events and dat really seemed something unusual but i hope she agrees with me and participates in this year's Debate competetion the Pratijja.

Everything was well planned and places were sorted to b seen as per their location. Had the view of our first Pandal at Kolkata and it was awesome to view the tarditional Puja and rituals being carried out.

It was the Pandal at Labony which had been beautifully made.The second one was the Pandal at the EC Block whr we witnessed the Sasthi Puja called as Sasthi Boron.Its a Puja where Big drums(Dhak) are decorated with feathers as if it were a space ship.People who play the Dhak are known as the Dhaki.Women dressed in typical white n red border sarees made the aarti,children dressed in new colourful costumes,gals wearing dressed to perform dance for the Sasthi Boron !!

What felt nice was that people have not yet forgotten their culture and to b a part of such a culture was so nice.

Sweet moments spent with friends are hardly potent enuff to b explained n to b felt only in the heart.Did enjoy the drizzle and the wind dat blew across the open spaces of the place (salt lake).Beautiful to stay and just behind we had the big mall city center.nice hanging out place and good to b wid frnz.

Then in the dinner we had my best friend Satrujeet.It was his arrival which made me so glad and finally my wait for him since i reached Kolkata got over.

Had a cute special dish named Chicken Momo specially ordered by Pragya and we loved it.

Things that gave the flavour of Kolkata :

Yellow Taxi with meter reading with doubling effects.
Small rickshaw with capacity of one and half
Old Broken Buses still on the road
Buildings with old british design
Chicken Momo
-------
Quite a tiring start to the whole trip.But glad dat tht we did enjoy each moment of the day.The walks along the wide n narrow roads of kolkata made me think how the whole city has in it all d contrasting elements together.

Most amazing thing that i noticed was a small bridge on a canal in Gachhtala which can only b crossed one way.The slope is such dat the passengers need to get down from the rickshaw to enable the rickshaw puller get to the other side with the rickshaw.So sweet an experience to get down the rickshaw n den walk along the canal to the other side and den again get into the rickshaw.

Thats what makes Kolkata so special.

27th Sept to 8th Oct 2006

12 days of complete break from life.Not even net.Only fun n friends.Great experience all together.Spread over two phases:

1st Phase

Day ONE - 27th :-

Excitement for the journey to Kolkata with friends.The best thing of it was tht i had the chance to have a journey with friends in train.Dont knw why I had this subtle dream to achieve.Train was t leave at night but had a bday party in d afternoon which too was enjoyed wid friends and that bubble of happiness and excitement did exist abt the trip.All set for the trip n we enjoyed the party n when it was night the curiousity grew till i reached station and that small walk from the road in front of the station where the auto left me to the platform 1 was an experience hard to forget. Had the mixed emotion of the trip.Had completely no idea how wud it turn out to be.Never ever had the feeling of being so closely attached to my own place.Felt as if i m leaving for ever n cud realise dat few months after this we all wud b leaving from the same station to the new place where the new life awaits us. But kept that feeling for some other day n strolled along to the platform since i had got the news of the train being late.
Finally met the friends and all waited for the train to arrive at the brisk pace as if it wud we wud fly with it.
Train arrived !

What a beginning to the Journey.What a tragedy ! Cant ask for more to remember this journey and to make it more exciting.One of my frnds ,she had forgotten her flight tickets (of the flight which she had to board the next day from Kolkata in d afternoon) in the hostel. Panic creeped in and calls thru cell phones played the game.Then all was set for the night.Had loads of khatti (chit chats)n fun.Sweet little tales n talks.Those drowsy faces n the people sleeping around in the dim light that seemed to b some threat to darkness bt was just an assurance of being a saviour. But the glow on the face of the friend made it clear that thr was no reason to bother.Just to chill n relax. The thrill of being together n a wish to capture each moment passing by in the hearts. Memories to be made stronger to preserve the unforgotable moments for the days,months years and ages to come.

Time flew by and reached the destination.Good Morning Kolkata !!