The Intangible but Significant part of Me

How I Wish

2011-01-13T19:12:00.002+05:30

how I wish, I had not felt this way
how I wish, you had not stolen my heart away
how I wish, I could forget the first time I had known of your existence
how I wish I could change the way your eyes had met mine the first day
how I wish, I could make the time fly away
how I wish, I would not miss you the way I do today
how I wish, I could stay happy all through the day
how I wish, I could have you for ever to stay
how I wish, I had nothing to lose
how I wish, I had known all I have is only you
how I wish, I could pick you from my memories
how I wish, I could feel you from my dreams
how I wish, I could hold your tears back
how I wish, I had never known how it hurts
when someone leaves you back with a void all over!

2010 Round Up!

2010-12-24T00:15:00.001+05:30

Every year that comes by has some story to tell and 2010 is no different. But this would be my first blog regarding a flash back at the year end. Unlike other years that passed by, 2010 has been a year worth looking back at. If 2007 was one of the years of my life which saw changes coming drastically in me from being a student to a professional, then 2010 was one which brought me back from a completely professional life to a balanced life which had certain things to keep for lifetime.

1. Trips back home twice in the year is a mark in itself. Going back and getting in touch with your family, friends, visiting your best hangouts like Ekamra Hatta, Shri Jagannath Temple, Puri beaches brought me back to life and I got connected once again.

2. From childhood to adulthood, never felt like I have grown up until I attended marriage of a friend for the first time. Chicku's wedding was a special event which brought me to reality - We have all grown up and now its time to take responsibility of our own life. Of course along with it brought back the memories of my childhood as I visited Talcher after 7 long years. It made me nostalgic for sure but made it obvious that how life has changed and however we wish we can never get back to our school days. They would remain the best days of my life. My heart felt wishes to her for a grand married life full of love, success and happiness.

3. Not sooner than expected, successful tieing of Knot of Anup and Pragyna in
mid year strengthened my belief in Love Marriages. They are a couple made for each other and have set an example in itself. Wishing both of them a Great life ahead, God Bless you Both.

4. Formation of Hum Paanch Group - As I wondered about season, reason and lifetime in my previous post, I realised I had a handful of them around me and I feel blessed to have them for lifetime. Thank you guys for everything! Vishal, Manish, Sonali, Dipika you four give reason to live life for a lifetime.

5. Few friends gone by, making a comeback makes me feel good about the years to come. This of course strengthened my belief on the saying 'Friends are forever'. Long live our friendship. Cheers to each one of them for standing by my side in all circumstances!

6. 2010 took me one step ahead in my career and not to forget the tough times I had in changing my Organisation. However my association with TechM over the last three years have been eventful and happening. I would for sure miss my first organisation which gave me the platform for what I am today. Thanks to all the people whom I met, I worked with and with whom I created connection for a lifetime. Time spent at Tech Mahindra would always be fresh in my mind and would be there as a happy memory.

7. Realization of the fact that no matter how I felt about Pune initially, now I feel like home when in Pune. Not a bad place to live in. I have always been a bit skeptical with change of place and have faced difficulties whenever I relocated but this time around I find it next to impossible to move away from a place where I have lived my precious three years. Its not the place but the experience out here that has pulled me back. Having struggled hard all alone to get settled and get a life here was the most difficult thing over the years and I truly believe I need to preserve what I have achieved being at Pune. Looking forward to continue it the way it has been so far.

8. One of the best thing to have happened over the last year - Sarah Hina's post as a guest blogger on my blog. Her enthusiasm towards blogging brought me back to my world and my sincere thanks to her for being so very considerate with my request.

These were few of the best things that 2010 had to offer. There have been many such things which are beyond my capability to express. There have been bad moments as well but I would prefer forgetting them and collect them as part of my tryst with Life.

Striking The Right Chord

2010-09-01T02:33:00.000+05:30

There are several mails that float on the internet as forwards. In one of the forwarded mails I had read something which has been making me think for quite sometime now. I am not aware of the author, so I would keep the author as anonymous.

"People meet for a Reason, for a Season or for a Lifetime." - Anonymous

How true the thought is! Ever since I read this quote, I started evaluating all those people I have met in my life and whom I remember till now. I have met uncountable number of people in my school, in my childhood days, in college, in graduation, at my workplace, in my neighborhood and of course others who have come across me as a surprise. Many have left, many are still in touch and perhaps there are only a few who would be there with me for my whole lifetime. What makes me wonder today is what could have been the chord which connected us? Was it for a reason or for a season or for a lifetime. And I agree all are not for a lifetime.

Those who have already left me had come into my life for either a reason or for a season. It is really amazing to realize who all were there for a reason because now when I sit down and think about all these people I find a reason behind our meeting each other. There were many learnings that I carry forward and now I know the reason why we met. And for those who were there for a season, all I can say is that, they would still be there in my memory for long but I can hardly find a reason behind our meeting - that upsets me altogether.

Now, for all those who are there in touch, I am yet to realize which category they would fall into. Fingers crossed I await for the reasoning in me to categorize that.

But, the next question that dwells within me is what about all those new people whom we meet daily. And surprisingly there are many who have hit the right chord straight away. There seems to be some connection already existing prior to our meeting and that makes me think if our meeting each other was just a matter of coincidence or for a reason? I fail to know what could it be. However, I realize that it's not the days, months or years of interaction which decides if someone is for lifetime. But what matters is, striking the right chord differentiates someone from the rest. Yet the watch is ON!

A few lines from one of my favorite Odiya songs goes below -

'Baata re chalu chalu,

kebe kiye.... dekha hue...

mane rahe naaaa..

kichi loka kichi chehraa... haayeee

kichi loka kichi chehra...

mane rahe... bhuli hue naa....'

Well, before I sign off I would like to convey all my heartiest wishes for someone who celebrates her Birthday today on 1st September. A perfect Virgo, as she is, has come a long way from being just an acquaintance to a very good friend in such a short period of time. That's what I believe striking-the-right-chord is all about.

Many happy returns of the Day Pragya, wish You a very Happy Birthday :) Wish you all success and may you realize all your dreams into reality soon. Keep Smiling :)

Signing off

Abhi

Night – The Shield

2010-08-20T07:00:00.002+05:30

Seems like the blogging bug has yet again bitten me!

It’s 5.45am as I start writing. Should I say it to be early morning or late night? I would prefer the later since the Night has not yet got over for me. Yes, you got me right! I have been awake all night continuing my urge to read books. Perhaps reading books over the last few weeks was making me ready to resume blogging which has been my biggest passion. Completed reading ‘34 Bubblegums and Candies’ by Preeti Shenoy. Will come up with a review for the book in another blog soon though. For now I have a different agenda.

Well coming back I wouldn’t completely give it to my reading urge though, for keeping awake all night. I had completed reading by 3am. To cut short, I kept myself awake to drop my friend at the airport half an hour back.

The bike ride after I dropped him at the airport back to my flat took me around half an hour as I needed to cover 25kms. It’s still dark outside, my city being on the western part of the country where sun rises generally after 6.30.

I could feel the cool breeze kissing my nose, cheeks and ears as I cruised on Hero Honda Karizma! Kind of bike it is, you would never know you have crossed 80KMPH until you peep into the speedometer. Having kept awake the whole night I kept my speed within limits thanks to my frequent conscious effort to look at the speedometer. The air was fresh and there was this subtle silence except for the soothing engine sound which made my mind ramble around. There have been times when I have been on bike rides on night outs but I had always been accompanied by friends since bike rides have always been bliss specifically in the night when there is very less traffic and no pollution. Given that night life in Pune is good, it’s considerably fair enough to move about during anytime of the night enjoying with friends. I have always enjoyed night life in Pune with friends. And if it’s on a bike then there can be nothing better feeling than this. But today was different for the reason that I was alone with myself and couldn’t find any element which could disturb talking to me.

As I gained pace and moved ahead the dark blue sky which was yet to be illuminated, shined upon me with its darkness and there was no trace of moon. The complete darkness had its own charm unlike those days when you would feel the urge to see the moonlight sky. The darkness that prevailed along with the pitched silence made me realise how close I was feeling to my own self. That was a kind of feeling which I had never felt before. But it was good and felt nice. There was no other thought that crossed my mind except that I enjoyed every part of the ride. No song playing in the mind, no hurry to reach home, no worries to bother about and complete blank mind could make me feel like Night has worked as a shield to all our botheration, worries and sorrows. They say with sun rise, Day brings in happiness, hopes and all beautiful things and you feel like singing it’s a New Day, It’s a New Life! But it was not the case with me. The moment I thought about dawn, sunrise and the beginning of a new day my blissful state seemed to be threatened. I withdrew the thought of break of dawn. I wished the Night should prevail till eternity so that I would be shielded of my sorrows, worries and responsibilities. Speaking right now I might sound like an escapist! It might seem like I never want to face my hurdles of life but if I go back to that state when I felt this, I suppose I wasn’t wrong if I wanted these to be at bay far away from me. Who would want worries to be a part of life? If it’s Night which plays the shield and works as a knight in shining armour then I would prefer Night to Day! Doesn’t that sound better? How do I gain by facing my problems and solving them? Yes, they do get resolved, but then it does keep you occupied with hundreds of thoughts. It keeps you alert throughout the Day. You struggle, fight and come out successful but how does it help? Can anyone resolve all the problems and guarantee that problems/botheration/issues/worries/sorrows would never come back? But Night does give you that guarantee of being shielded from all of the above until it exists. Even when you sleep you sleep tight. People suffer from sleepless nights because they are occupied with their problems that they would have to again face the next morning once Night is gone. So it’s not the Night but the Day that keeps them awake. The fear, the thoughts makes you sleepless.

Come Day, you again start running in the rat race and it hardly matters who wins. What matters is who manages to come out of it. He is the true winner. And I felt like a winner because I could see myself out of the race. Now I don’t fear waking up in the morning and facing issues since I feel out of the race. I am just waiting for the Day that has crept in by now to end and Night to take charge where I can again live the life which makes it worthwhile.

Truly, this bike ride did make a difference. I now wait for yet another Night to set in, another 12 hours to go. The timer is set!

Authentic Thanksgiving :)

2010-08-19T20:00:00.000+05:30

Heya!

Now I couldn't find any suitable title for this post. ;) After, all the efforts that Sarah Hina took to come down and give her best for her post, I couldn't find any better way than this to thank her for this kind gesture.

It was her sincere instant response that made it possible. It was a great feeling to find a guest post from someone whom I have been following for quite sometime. Frankly speaking it was not long back that I knew Sarah but her first article on Aniket's website had made me an instant fan of her writings. And finally as she accepted my request, it made my day!

As it all went fine and got posted, the first thing I checked in the morning was my blog and it was there! I had never done so in my whole life even if it was my own blog! But that I was expecting to see her post I couldn't wait and it was a super duper moment! And I thank Sarah for making it so wonderful that it was.

@Sarah: I have been on and off my blog but this was the best moment which I have experienced through these 4 years of my blogging experience. It was my blog's 4th Birthday on 16th August and I too hadn't realized this until now when it struck me suddenly. So, nothing better gift that I could have expected on my blog. A BIG THANKS to you for making it so very perfect! Coincidentally it was the 4th year completion and what a way to celebrate it!

I extend my heartiest thanks to you for your gesture and efforts that you have put in to make this possible. Having book signing and releasing your first book this month 2010 is not a small thing. I understand how busy you must have been. You contributing to my blog during this rush hour of your own life, I suppose there can not be any better act of humbleness and hats off to you for that. If you could do this for someone else i.e. finding out time to publish the article and follow it closely answering to the feedbacks, then I should also at least do that for my own blog.

Thanks for giving me a reason to have a refreshing start to this blogging arena, and I hope I can take this further with all the energy that you have infused within me. You showed me that we should give our cent percent to our passion even if there are hurdles and we don't find much time to invest in our day today life. Blogging has always been my passion and I got a reasoning to pursue this ahead just because of the confidence that your post gave me.

Thanks again Sarah!

Best wishes for the release of your book and be it a huge success.

God Bless You :)

Signing off,

Abhi

P.S: Happy Birthday to Swati (one of my best friends from my College days). She happens to celebrate it on 19th of this month. My best wishes to her and may God bless her! Miss You DEAR :(

Authenticity

2010-08-18T08:04:00.002+05:30

She runs to the woods. Removes her clothes. Drapes herself across the moss of old dreams. Spreads her legs for a sun. Counts clouds through the canopy. Mosquito-bitten thoughts. Swat, swat. This air she breathes, recycled from laughter and holocausts. Her lungs, two butterfly wings dripping with concrete.

All these words, like trees in a forest. How much rain can be cupped in their leaves? Why am I, as a writer, driven to saturate, to make the branches bend with weight?

Does it make me lighter?

Is that the goal?

Sometimes, when I read others’ work, I feel like a child.

Sometimes, when I work, I am a child.

Perhaps there’s not much value in questioning our writerly instincts and motives. Maybe this is the true self-indulgence. If we simply follow them—if we’re authentic to our voice—some new facet of truth will be integrated into the human kaleidoscope. I admire Cormac McCarthy for his cool, lean sentences. I admire Michael Ondaatje for his brilliant lyrical flights. In the past, I’ve tried to imitate such literary giants. When really, there are seeds still to plant between their mighty trunks.

I’m growing more comfortable with my strengths and limitations. My forest is mine.

Yours is a song the wind knows.

She lifts her voice with the birds, the cicadas, the heat waves of summer.

A world spins faster.

----

Other stops on my Meet Me In Paris Blog Tour: Travis Erwin • Aniket's Plum Blossom Flash Fiction contest • 25 Questions for Author Sarah Hina • Author Spotlight 7SS with Aerin-Bender Stone • Jaye Wells • Poem at The Walking Man's • Poem Blossoms at Joaquin Carvel's

Plum Blossoms excerpt read aloud by Sarah.

Buy Plum Blossoms in Paris • Amazon • Barnes & Noble • Flipkart • Chapters • Borders • Your Local Independent Bookstore • Powell's Books • Books-A-Million

Great News - Guest Writer

2010-08-18T01:33:00.002+05:30

Hello All,

I would like to make an announcement! We have a guest author on the blog and she is none other than SARAH HINA who is a 34-year-old writer, wife, and mother of two. Her debut novel, PLUM BLOSSOMS IN PARIS, is now available from Medallion Press.

It's an honor to have Sarah post an article on this blog, and I suppose this gesture from her has made me really ecstatic about it.

I would request all my readers to participate and pour in their comments for the post from Sarah.

Figments of Imagination or Reflections of Reality

2010-08-14T02:36:00.006+05:30

Sometimes I wonder what is a creation. Is it just the result of imagination or the reflection of something which we see in reality?

off late I have been doing only two things -

1. My regular job at work
2. Reading books

Reading books has got into me for sometime now. Surfing the net, checking mails, chatting, talking over phone and even watching TV have bored me to the limits. And when I'm talking about reading let me be specific with it. It has only been few love stories now, but probably I would shift my gears soon to something different. But for now its love stories which have hit me like a wave of the sea. Yet to complete the books in my to read list.

I am simply awed by the books that I have read recently. I would prefer not to compare them to each other in any way because every piece is a result of the author's creation. And when it's creation of someone I have no right to compare when God even fails to compare among its creations.

Completed reading

'I too had a love story' by Ravinder Singh (yes for the second time of course). I had the same feeling after I finished with the book. However, I enjoyed reading it second time because I had known the ending and the whole tale earlier when I read, so perhaps I could relate to each and everything in a better way.

'A walk to remember' by Nicholas Spark was the next in the slot and though I had watched the movie in my first year engg ie long back, I still could connect to the whole of it. No where did I feel like I have already watched the movie, why do I need to read it any more. Books are better expressive than movies. I strongly feel that now.

'Dear john' again by Nicholas Spark, was the third book I have ever read from a single author other than Chetan Bhagat and I must admit I've become a big fan of Nicholas now. The next thing on the list is to go through all of his writings. Will surely get it completed soon. This book specifically moved me with the simplicity of it's writing and the portrayal of its characters. They are real to the core. Must read for our generation.

'A thing beyond forever...' by Novoneel Chakraborty came as a strong recommendation from one of the co-readers. Looked for the book the same day and completed reading it today. Not much of an effort though but it did give me a sleepless night after I stopped reading the 3rd section keeping the 4th for the next day i.e. today. Believe me I couldn't accept the fact that it ended. I wanted more from it and perhaps didn't want it to end. The best feature of this book is not the story, but the philosophy regarding life, love and God. All three of them so well gelled together that you could never escape anyone of it in your lifetime. Truly a master piece it does take you back to your school days and the early days of your adolescence.

After putting down these books in my shelf I would never dare to compare any of these to each other. And about losing these at any cost is not possible. So please be careful if you ever borrow them from me. Don't forget to return because I'm never gonna forget that you were the one who...

Lol! A feeling that sometimes always stays and you may have lost once or hundredth time... but it stays - Love

Like Never Before - The Heaven's Terrace

2010-05-01T04:32:00.003+05:30

She stood there with tears in her eyes. The place looked the best like never before. She has been to this place since she was a kid. She was born and brought up in this heavenly place. But she wasn't sure if it was in fact heaven as others believed it. She doesn't remember since when but she would often walk through the market place and take the small path across the tea plantation to be with herself. Be it in happiness when she would have felt like sharing it with her mom or in her sorrows when she would like to weep in her mother's lap. In her tranquillity she would many a times remember how she had seen her mother being brutally killed by her drunken father's tyranny.

Shakti doesn't even remember how old she was when her helpless mother had left her all alone in this world. But her mother had no other option left when her husband had sold her off to a rich tourist from France. It was then that she had given poison to her 5 year old kid before she had jumped from the 'Heaven's Terrace' believed to be the most beautiful tourist attraction in the Western Ghats. Though Shakti was saved by her neighbour who found her lying unconscious in the nearby garbage bin at the end of slump where they lived but there was no news about her mother until three days. 3 days later her body was recovered by the police on the bank of the river which ran between the mountain ranges. Shakti was then brought up by her neighbour while her father had abandoned her. Her new mother, their neighbour told her about everything when she was 16. The person who brought her up was her mother's best friend whom her mother knew since she had arrived after getting married.

Shakti was told that her mother had gone to God’s place into the mountains since God too needed good people. As she grew older she realized what the truth was. She had always felt like being with her mom when she was here. Today was also no different when she wanted to be with her mother once again. Like never before, she felt her mom closer. She could feel the beauty of the place and how heavenly this place has been over the years. Things have changed and people around her as well. But two things are yet to change! Heaven’s terrace has no signs of change and has stood like it has been taken care of by God’s own people. The other one is her Father.

She was just 14 when suddenly her father had come and claimed to have her daughter. Upon insistence that he had no right on her, he had abused every one of having killed his wife and devastated his family. Everyone knew what he was up to. But no one could stop him from doing what he did to his wife and daughter. He sold his daughter to the brothel in the foot hill. Shakti was just a kid to understand anything about this and before she could realize, she was the prostitute who was wanted by the tourist visiting the place. Having no other choice she had accepted her cursed life and had nothing to gain and lose until she met Rahim.

As she slowly took each step towards the gate crossing the flags tied with faith by the travellers for all their secret wishes to come true, she remembered the first time she had met Rahim.

Rahim was a guy from the nearby village who too had visited the brothel to satisfy his physical needs. His build was of a guy in his twenties. As his eyes had met hers she could see a kind of honesty in his eyes. Though Rahim had come to satisfy only his physical needs but his eyes didn’t reflect an animal. He was escorted by Shakti into a corner room. Rahim broke the silence and asked Shakti her name. ‘Julie’ she had said. Rahim asked her actual name and this time Shakti spoke the truth though she was not entitled to do so. It was after long time that she had shared her actual name to someone. She didn’t know why she was truthful to Rahim. But there was some magic in Rahim’s eyes which perhaps made this 19 year old girl fall in love with him. They spent two hours in the locked room talking to each other. Rahim spoke about his tryst with life and how he had struggled to earn a living for his widowed blind mother since the age of 14. His mother had died a month before and Rahim was in deep pain and wanted to talk to someone. May be this is what he wanted. Shakti listened to him without speaking a word since he had paid for her. She could draw parallel to her life. She had tears by the time he finished speaking. He seemed much more relaxed and better as he had spoken out his heart to someone stranger to him. Sometimes it’s easier to share feelings with a stranger. That was perhaps the case.

Rahim visited the brothel frequently then after and insisted on paying only for Julie. When she was not available he would return back. Months passed by and they realized that they were in deep love with each other. On a thunderstorm night they were close enough and spent the whole night together for which Rahim had to pay extra. Shakti had been touched by innumerable people of who were rich, old, young and poor. She had seen many kinds of people who had one thing in common – an animal within. For the first time that night she had felt love. She had felt the softness in the way Rahim kissed her and took her into his arms. For the first time she had love. That was the happiest day in her life that she remembered.

Shakti was in tears, as she walked slowly looking towards the clouds that kept changing their shapes in the sky. She could see them engulf the distant mountain with their long stretched arms. She could feel the way Rahim used to hold her tightly against his wide chest. She used to get lost in his arms and dream about a better future which she could see in his eyes. He had promised that he would soon take her away to a dreamland where they would live happily ever after. He had started working harder at the mountains cutting trees with much vigour. He had got a new life to live. He wanted to start afresh. He had to earn a good amount of money soon enough to start a new life with his beloved. He had found Shakti and of course her name which was given by her mother got the justice. Her mother had always wanted her to be the symbol of strength. And look today she was turning out to be someone’s strength for life. He worked harder and his visits were not that frequent as they used to be. Shakti didn’t mind that since she could see a bright future. She would often come to 'Heaven’s Terrace' to wait for her freedom. She could see her beautiful hut in the woods. She too had tied a flag for her wishes to come true. She knew it would come true some day. But this was not heaven’s choice.

One day Shakti fell ill and had to be admitted to the nearby hospital as her condition was serious. The reason for the sudden health problem was not known until reports came. She was infected with HIV. Heaven broke over her head. She couldn’t believe it at the first time. She insisted the doctor for a re-examination. But the report was nothing different. Her dreams had scattered. She couldn’t believe that just when she had started living and was happy with her life, God could do this to her. She had always believed that her mother was with God and it was she who had fought with God to give her a better life. And there she was achieving all that she wanted. But that wasn’t true. She was once again betrayed by her own destiny.

After Rahim had come into her life, she had always declined to her owner and fought with the brutal lady who used to send her to the prospetive customers. She had told her that Rahim would come and pay the complete amount for her. But it was Monsoon and peak season for the travellers to visit this Godly place. The brutal lady didn’t have any interest to lose the hefty money that would come during this time of the year. Rahim too hadn’t visited since a month. So she had tweaked Shakti’s arm and sent her to a rich man from foreign in his fifties who had lodged in an expensive hotel. She cried thinking of that dreadful night which had changed her life upside down.

She didn’t know what to do. Rahim was unaware of it. She wanted to meet him and hold him in her arms for the last time. But she didn’t. She had earlier denied meeting him when he had come to meet her. She had been ignoring him for more than a month now. She knew Rahim would never leave her and she didn’t want his life to be spoiled. Thus, she had decided to go away from his life. She was now at the gate where she knew was God’s own place. It looked like never before. She could feel her mother waiting for her at the other side. She could feel her Mother embrace her for the first time. It was bliss. She felt like in the arms of nature. There was a sense of freedom, to have been freed from the shackles of this dreadful life. Her mother must have also felt the same. The place was so peaceful. She could feel the pain of departing from the one you love. Fifteen years before her mother had left her apple’s eye behind and today she was here leaving her life.

Was she actually taking her life away or was it Rahim’s?

First Attempt at Prompt Writing

2010-04-30T01:28:00.001+05:30

I had never tried my hand at writing blogs at some other forum. Somehow I never felt comfortable. May be I was afraid to fail at the first go. Being a shy guy (yes that's what I consider myself to be :P), I refrain from going out and attempting to write something which may turn out to be a complete flop. The comfort zone is a major factor. I have been blogging on my blog since Aug 2006, so this has always been my place. A lion's own den. This reminds me of a saying 'A dog is even a lion in his own lane'. So that's how I have been.

Surfing through different friends' and fellow bloggers posts has been my hobby since long. I thank Aditi for her recent post regarding such a forum/site where bloggers post their write ups. The thing that attracted me was the concept of prompt writing. I need to give a bow to Aniket for taking the initiative to start something like this. Though I was aware of writing contests across the blogger community, I had never realized that if I give it a try I could even do it. I had never thought over it much. There are such good writers and bloggers on WWW that it feels a bit humiliating to post something as a competitor out there. There comes the best feature in Flash Fiction. There is no winner and there are no losers. I hate being called a loser by my inner voice.

Thus came the warrior within me to give it a try. I had my first attempt at prompt writing. I would require all your support in letting me know how I performed at this. It felt like writing in an examination hall in school. It took me about four hours to create the whole thing. I wouldn't consider it to be one of my best though. And personally speaking I feel I did justice to the attempt but I failed at one point. Limiting no of words within 1000. I've always failed to keep it short. And once again I struggled hard to make it within 1000 words. Finally the post had 1700 plus words. I consider myself to have done well. Pat on the back for that (chuckle). ;)

View my first post here.

http://www.flashfiction.in/2010/04/28/like-never-before-the-heavens-terrace-2/

Guncha koi mere naam kar diya

2010-04-24T02:30:00.008+05:30

This is a song from the movie 'Main Meri Patni aur Woh'. It's a beautiful ghazal sung by Mohit Chauhan (dooba dooba singer). The lyrics is absolutely mesmerizing and is amazingly soothing to the ears. It can rest your soul in peace and can make your blood flow stand still. Its a soft, sweet and subtle one which can keep playing on your music player on repeat.

Mohit Chauhan has done full justice to the song with the way he has sung it. It's definitely one of the best songs by him.

The movie is as well too good with some outstanding performances by Rajpal Yadav, Rituparna Sengupta and Kay Kay Menon. All three of them have been my favorites and are definitely not the regular bollywood style performers. They are classic with their performance. It's story line is just perfect with a beautiful portrayal of a middle class married man who is just a common man. The relationship that he shares with his wife and all that he goes through due to his insecurities regarding himself. The emotions come with a real life feeling and anyone can connect to the characters quite easily. Its a sweet short simple movie which is a must watch.

If you haven't yet heard to this song then do listen to it and have another song added to your favorite playlist of songs.

Enjoy!

Lyrics

Guncha koi mere naam kar diya.....
Guncha koi mere naam kar diya.....
Saki ne phir se mera jaam bhar diya...
Saki ne phir se mera jaam bhar diya...
Guncha koi hmm....

Tum jaisa koi nahi is jahaan mein
Tum jaisa koi nahi is jahaan mein
Subah ko teri zulf ne shaam kar diya
Subah ko teri zulf ne shaam kar diya
Saki ne phir se mera jaam bhar diya...
Guncha koi hmm....

Mehfil mein baar baar idhar dekha kiye
Mehfil mein baar baar idhar dekha kiye
aankhon ke zazeeron ko mere naam kar diya
aankhon ke zazeeron ko mere naam kar diya
Saki ne phir se mera jaam bhar diya...
Guncha koi hmm.......

Hosh bekhabar se huye unke bagair
Hosh bekhabar se huye unke bagair
Hosh bekhabar se huye unke bagair
Woh jo humse keh na sake dil ne kah diya
Woh jo humse keh na sake dil ne kah diya
Saki ne phir se mera jaam bhar diya...
Guncha koi hmm.......

Guncha koi mere naam kar diya.....
Saki ne phir se mera jaam bhar diya...

NB: The lyrics above has a para (mehfil main baar baar...) which not in the video clip of the movie.

I believe I can fly

2010-04-23T02:40:00.007+05:30

I believe I can fly by R. Kelly is one of the best songs that I've ever heard to. The lyrics is just awesome and can give life to a dead who would have had dreams to fulfill. I had heard to the song for the first time during my Malaysia 2008 visit and this song had given me goosebumps, just amazing.

For the first time I had heard the female version of it and finally after such a long time I could find the exact version of it. It is sung by Yolanda Adams and music by Kenny G. I feel this version is better than the original one. The video is just awesome with some marvelous photos through the slide.

Lyrics

I used to think that I could not go on
That life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
By leaning on the ever lasting arms

Bridge:
If I can see it
Then I can do it
If I just believe it
There's nothing to it

Chorus:
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly(x3)

Yolanda Adams
See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes the silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first it's got to start inside of me

(Bridge)

(Chorus)

Cuz I believe in me, yea,ohhhhhhhhhh

Yolanda Adams:
If I can see it

Be Be Winans:
Then I can do it

Yolanda Adams:
If I just believe it

Be Be Winans:
There's nothing to it, oh

(Chorus)

I believe I can fly(I can fly)x3
I can do anything yea,yea,yea.yea
I can flyx3
I can do anything, yea,yea,yea

Anything I wanna do(Anything I wanna do)x3
I can do anything
I can fly

Closest to My Heart

2010-04-21T02:33:00.003+05:30

Few people turn to their saved photo albums, letters and what not to get back to their good old days. Their present of course is a reflection of their post. But it really feels great going back to those days which are always memorable. I too get back sometimes to my good old days. But not mostly in the manner people would generally do.

After a long time, as I have said earlier as well, I have been finding time with myself. To feel the best of your own life. Recently on one of my fellow blogger's post I had commented on how you can always enjoy with your own self without being bored. Bibhash thanks to you for writing that one on your blog. I could feel the need to be with myself. It had been really long time that I could find sometime. I visited my own blog reading different posts. Having read most of my favorites, I was taken back to my old days where I lived a life which can never be recreated. Something I left behind is never going to be the same ever again. It really feels great! Nostalgic is what you can say but it was a coincidence that I happened to do it on a day which I too hadn't realized until I had a look at the time stamp. I was reading one of the posts which is a fiction. I consider it to be closest to my heart. May be it had some resemblance to what I went through when I left Kolkata. Though there wasn't anything similar to the love story but yes, the theme that Apurv was leaving his place for his career was quite similar to my leaving Kolkata when I had options to stay back and compromise with my career. Though nothing great occurred as anticipated or I would prefer saying it was a wrong notion that everyone had regarding Pune center. But of course, my leaving Kolkata was quite similar to Apurv's circumstances. And the best part of coincidence is that I had written this fiction exactly two years back on 20^th April 2010.

Well, I would surely like to insert the link of my post which is closest to my heart. I expect a comment on the story, of course only if you like it. :)))

http://intangibleabhisek.blogspot.com/2008/04/take-care.html

Take care and sleep well!

In love with Love Story theme

2010-04-19T01:56:00.007+05:30

I have been in love with my past all the time. Don't know why but I always keep getting myself into my past. I remember the days when three years back I left home and was at Kolkata to start a new life. A new life with Tech Mahindra. It was that time when I was attracted to radio. The fact that we didn't have a TV then, made me get attached to radio all the time. And within no time I was connected to the best programme on it. One of the programmes that had made fans all over Kolkata. It was a programme called 'Dil Se' hosted by the best RJ ever 'Jimmy'. It was aired on every friday from 9pm to 3am on 93.5FM.

The best part of the show was the background music that played on it. It was the theme song from the movie 'Love Story'. The theme of the programme was so good that it got me connected to me to the programme every friday. I just love that music. I have got shifted to Pune since long. More than 2 and half years now.. I was at kolkata for 4 months probably.. but the programme and the music left me mesmerized. As I write this, the music plays in the background on repeat. I have been trying to connect to 93.5FM specifically online but failed. I wish I could connect to 93.5FM online from Pune. But seems like a dream. But for now enjoy the beautiful tune online from the movie Love Story.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Rvz8KnyN0U

Have a great time!

The Bet by Anton Chekhov

2010-04-18T03:27:00.012+05:30

The Bet is a short story which I had read long back in my school days in one of our syllabus text books. There were many such stories were in our syllabus but not all have left an impression in my mind. This particular story has been in my memory till date.

Somehow I searched for this story and I got it in the first go thanks to Google-e-azam :)) But reading it again after such a long time took me back to those old school days. Students generally think what's the use of these short stories and stuff like these in the syllabus which has no practical application. Don't know if you ever thought so but I used to think this way due to the heavy syllabus that existed. But now I realize such stories build our base with good principles and thoughts regarding life.

Specially this story has a lot in to learn from regarding life and it's importance. Of course at the end it renounces the things that we look for our whole life and work towards it. That's the philosophical side of looking and things. These thoughts make us stay grounded and reminds of the truths of life. though a short story it has its importance in real life - the way need to live and look at the world around us. It's not always the materialistic world that actually matter.

If you ever like reading short stories, you would definitely like it. I would suggest you to go through it. You can browse to the link below and enjoy this short narrative.

Here goes the link: http://www.classicreader.com/book/240/1/

Something about the writer: Anton Chekhov

Anton Chekhov was a famous Russian writer considered to be one of the greatest short-story writers in the history of world literature. He has 201 short stories to his name which have been published in form of different books by translations into English. His deep thoughts has done full justice to the characters and the age old debate on capital punishment vs lifetime imprisonment. His message through the story is crystal clear and open up different side of the journey what we all know as Life.

Happy reading!

Striking The Right Balance

2010-04-13T18:00:00.000+05:30

Two and half years back I was bothered about something which somehow I have managed to understand to a greater extent. It was about striking the perfect balance between two different worlds around one’s own life. I was not sure how one could balance one’s personal and professional life.

Let me put it this way. I had been in a world of personal life for more than 20 years of my life. And suddenly when one gets into a completely different life altogether called professional life, it is obvious to perplex the best of the balanced minds. Considering myself not to be that balanced in my understanding of these two lives, I was surely a victim of this age old belief – One needs to keep his personal and professional life different. If ever you mix both of these then you end of screwing both big time. With confusion in mind I had tried my best to bring about the perfect balance. I would not say I succeeded to strike the right chord on the first shot. It wasn’t easy to bring about the changes in you to keep both these peculiar demons at bay across the thin line or better if I say this to be the silver lining.

One point that always bothered me was that how can someone keep his personal life away from his work place(better to say professional life) when he is present personally/physically at his work place for more than one third of the day? Worse if you are a workaholic and a bachelor! You’re bound to have your personal life revolve around you where ever you are. A ‘resource’ as they say in the industry is a human at the end of the day. He is bound to have emotions (like happiness, sorrow, pain, love, hatred, jealousy, anger, turbulence, expectations, relationships etc), friends and foes where he lives his life. And it would be unwise to say that you being a professional you shouldn’t let all these factors affect you. It definitely does affect but you need to bring your personal touch to bring about the right decision. Even in personal life we have these factors and we deal with them quite well. So why not deal the same way out here as well as well do in our personal life? And when I say the personal touch let me prove all those theories vague which pronounce to keep all personal things away while being a professional. Many say “He was quite professional in his approach and didn’t let his personal problems affect his performance.” Fine agreed but where did he bring about that professional approach from? One has to be personally connected to the whole thing.

As my experience goes, I am about three years old in the professional life. And I am proud to say that I have the perfect balance where I work. I always used to listen from people, at work there are no friends. And let me prove all of them wrong. I have my best pals where I work. When at office we still work together and resolve the conflicts quite easily which come up just because of the personal relations that we share. Had I kept my professional life away from my personal life then perhaps they would have never understood my behaviour or vice versa in a given situation. That goes true with my managers as well. Not always managers are demons. Not always they are wrong as it is mostly understood. There are times when one needs to go beyond and try having a look at the other side of it. And you seriously need to put yourself in other’s shoes to get the complete picture. But of course this is only possible if there exists a personal touch to it all. And finally you land up in creating a world where both the parties have acceptance level only due to your personal life being involved in it. And how do you achieve it all? By just letting yourself being You. Most people fail to understand this and in the pursuit of being the best professional they start becoming someone they are not. That is what I had landed up doing initially, and it is no worry when I accept that I screwed it big time.

I still find people around me who are being fooled by themselves. I hope to see them bringing about a change in their approach and understanding of these two different persons they want to be. Personating your work environment gives you a scope to judge the best thing you could do without bringing unnecessary complications into your life where you spend maximum of your time called Office.

Reaching out

2010-04-06T02:19:00.000+05:30

How about making this post more interactive? Its just an attempt to connect to those people who have been following my blog for a while. Been a long time that I have been into this world of blogging. But perhaps this is for the first time that I am trying to connect to you all by having your take on it.

Now that I have been in and out of this world quite many times, the main reason that for this is I'm not quite sure about what would intrest you as a reader. Over these period of more than 3 years I have come across change in my style of writing, the stuff I have concentrated on and the agenda of every post. There have been suggestions to reduce the length of my posts and I have been trying hard to acheive that. So there have been quite many factors which have directed my posts. Sometimes, its just my mental state and circumstances in my life which have made me post my writing over here. But there is this missing link. That's you no doubt.

So, guys all I need to know is what is it that you think I should post more upon? Which category should I connect more through my posts. You can pick them from my labels cloud for your convinience. There have been posts on fiction, non fiction, peotry, philosophy, politics, sports, reviews, my fav topics related to relationships. So request you to come up with your thoughts and make a contribution to what you like reading and for what you land up here.

Yeah, I do sound a bit more democratic than my previous ways of posts which were comepletely autocratic. So guys hurry up and give me something to write about.

Eagerly waiting for your valuable response on this. Thanks

Commitment in LOVE

2010-02-15T00:37:00.000+05:30

Okay, guys! I know not many readers follow this blog, but the very fact that I love blogging and getting down to write what goes through my mind here I am with my new blog. My last blog had come long back in July which is more than 6 months from now. I suddenly realised that the total number of posts for the year 2009 has come down to a single digit. A statistical data would reflect that it has been an exponentially decreasing graph perfect for research like the falling sensex. You can surely have a complete analysis on different trends of posts and all that mathematical calculations. So, if it continues it might soon touch the zero point. Thus an attempt to get back to this world of mine. Blogging has always been an amazing thing to do. But of course writing anything and everything doesn't make any sense. So I had been off for this quite an obvious reason.

Moving on with the fresh beginning, I would wish everyone a very Happy Valentine Day to all. Lets celebrate this day just for the sake of love but not for any form of it. It should always be taken as a reason to celebrate love. Do we really give ourselves the time and chance to let our near and dear ones know that how much we love them? May be you could use this as a medium to let others know how you feel about them. It's of course the right day to do so! Hence, do find out some time, and luckily today being a Sunday, you can't even complain for not having time! Go ahead if you haven't done it yet.

Of all the things that occurred to me during these more than six months duration I would surely consider few things which changed the way I perceive things around me. One of them being the word Love. I have always believed that it's love that makes everything worthwhile. No doubt about it though. But when we come to the point of commitment in love, I believe I had failed to understand what it was. It isn't about just the literal meaning of it. Quite a controversial thing to say and I know many may come up with different versions of the word 'commitment in love'. As I now understand this in a clearer way, I can say that it is about accepting one and everything about the person and his/her world. It's not the only person you commit to. You need to commit to the whole world around her (from now her would mean both he/she). Accepting doesn't always mean that you need to compromise. If you compromise then its not commitment in love. Its just an adjustment, and life doesn't run by making adjustments. You need to feel it internally. You need to prioritise how strongly you feel to take everything along with her in your life. Just having her to spend your life with isn't sufficient. It's also about how she takes your world with you. There needs to be a reciprocation of this event. I may love someone from the depth of my heart, but what I too need to know is how much I love her family and friends. I need to get everything right by knowing the same about her as well. That's when you say it as perfect couple bonded in love. I have had experiences of people around who keep continuing in a relationship just because they love each other or should I say they feel they love each other. But on the contrary I would often rather more than often find having differences, fights and arguments over the silliest of the things in the world. That is due to the fact that you have not yet started loving the world around her. As simple as that. And however you try, you end up some day walking in your own direction when the situation or should I say burden is too heavy to be over headed. Thus commitment and love are two different things which need to be looked at very carefully. I would define ‘commitment in love’ as companionship. How well you can give company to the one you love till the eternal without making any adjustments or compromises is the key to success of it.

I too had a love story by Ravinder Singh book review

2009-07-04T19:08:00.000+05:30

It had been long time that I had read a good book and nothing better than "I too had a love story" by Ravinder Singh to make that long wait end. This was a book which came across me as a surprise. Though I had never heard about this book, but my quest to read a book made me purchase this one thanks to the price being only 80 INR. Jokes apart the quote on the book "Not everyone in this world has the fate to cherish the fullest form of love. Some are born, just to experience the abbreviation of it" made me feel like going through the love story which seemed to be true.

"I too had a love story" is a true love story. It's about Ravin's life and his much loved beloved Khushi. Being a true one it has the simple, common things which every one of us can relate to. Full credit goes to Ravinder for creating the magic through his words. It would have never been an easy task to pen down one's own story when you have lived it. One would not know what to put in and what not in a very nut shell making it interesting at the same time. That makes the book beautiful. The way Ravinder has carved the characters, the situations and specifically the conversations are worth noticing. His narration is very much like a conversation and one would feel him telling the story face to face. The biggest thing that the book has is the conversations between the two partners. You would die to keep on reading the conversations just because you too would have had such small talks in this new age of technology. It's not a classical love story of the old days, but it's a story of the twenty first century with the strong base of Indian values.

Everyone who has loved or knows what love is all about would love to read the book and those who have not felt it in their heart and are yet to experience what love is, they would also not be disappointed. Ravinder himself being a person from the field of IT working in a renowned IT company instantly connects to the readers from the industry specifically. Generally considered to be naïve and non romantic that a software engineer can as well have emotions and feel like any normal person rather than being a techno-savvy gimmick is what meets the expectations from the young budding writer's attempt.

This is a story about a software engineer who lands up in a matrimonial site named Shaadi.com and happens to get the love of his life. The love that they both share over the long distance by the help of the gadgets and technology proves that love over the internet, social networking sites and phone is not a new thing for this generation. It can be natural and very much practical given the sincerity among the partners. Further, it also brings to the fore the life which the young graduate software engineers lead. Their aspirations, their expectations from life and from their relationships for which they find very less time thanks to the overly demanding professional life has been subtly put in though this is not the theme or objective of the book. But it definitely is the undercurrent. This book shows how the two people go along with their love story and how it turns into a tragic end but nevertheless that life needs to move on and it's not always the end to life.

Though quite predictable, the story is well carved out and very much tightly intact. It keeps you well connected. It doesnt let you keep it down and take a break. This is a book worth reading and can also be gifted to your loved one. One of the classics in this genre and I suppose very much close in comparison to "Love Story" by Erich Segal. It's already a national bestseller.

You can buy this book only for only Rs.80 from the official website http://ravindersinghonline.com/.
Don't forget to read the reader's comments and what media says.

Happy reading and hope you find to know the true meaning of love which is tough to find in this materialistic world.

Life has taken a U Turn

2009-06-24T01:53:00.000+05:30

Feels like i am standing at the same point where I stood two years back. No it's not about joining a new job. But currently I am facing yet another cross road. I remember the words "to be or not to be.." well yeah they r the famous words but i remember someone close say these to me.. and today, not exactly today but in the recent times i have these words crossing my mind quite often.

How does it feel if you find yourself in a situation where you were two years back ?? I had come to Pune, no friends, not even a single known face. After two years i feel the same. I am still at Pune..for those who might wonder where i am currently.. but... i still feel the same.. not many people i know.. n thats in a very literal way.. i mean it.. not many know me... in fact no one knows me...who i am.. i am lost somewhere...

recently i shifted my flat...new room mates.. old buddies left to the other part of the city.. the very next day i was shifted to another office.. ie sharda... the only reason of parting from my friends was to stay close to office... bt in vain...every effort to make my wishes work fails... going to sharda seems like a transfer to me.. new flat...new people at home, at office... though ppl whom i meet are my team mates... bt i used to meet them only at team parties n I had met all of them only twice or thrice before I started seeing them every day at sharda.. thr was even a team mate whom I hadn’t met until I got shifted to sharda.. n moving to sharda wasn’t even easy.. it took me completely two weeks to get my .pst file(outlook offline mailbox) shifted to sharda.. Gosh.. it was 4GB.. having preserved all the mails since two years…don’t know if I would even read them twice… bt having them gives a feeling of familiarity..

travelling to sharda through bus has a completely new but different experience.. though hectic it teaches u many things in life… u get to see that u r not the only person who is around working hard.. there are even people who have been doing the same thing since ages.. just for their families…

it was this time of last year that I had been trying for a transfer to Kolkata… bt I had failed at that attempt.. n now again after a year I feel the urge to get back to Kolkata.. at least I could do something for my family.. after all that’s why we exists… moreover, today or tomorrow I would be changing my project since in few months from now our project would go to some other company.. so why not now when I can get a project at Kolkata…who knows after three months I may nt even get a project there…

meantime, prachi too left pune.. and probably her leaving has added to this U turn feeling… she had been there with me since 2004 and after long five years of togetherness I ought to have this void around me...

There seems to be too much of confusion..

First, I know switch is not that a tough thing to do..even during this tough market scenario bt even after a switch I will be at the same place whr I m today.. I wont get to be a CEO instantly.. and it wouldnt help me personally either…nothing gonna change…

MBA…super cool option.. I know this can be best thing I can do.. bt I don’t knw why I fail to put in the effort…may be its because of complacency… of the backup that I have in form of a job.. i need to burn my boats...close all the options...I know I have it in me to crack CAT but nothing is achieved without hardwork.. so I need to put in efforts… bt somewhere I too don’t feel to change my direction when I have already invested my two years somewhere else.. how is this going to help? Shouldn’t I carry on in the same domain.. in the technology rather than getting into management?? But I do realize that we at IT don’t have something great at our hand… even a 10th grade student can do the same if given training for a month n if he knows how to handle a PC…nothing great..
And funny it may sound.. somewhere in the back of my mind… I too think I should give it a try for civil services… bt I feel I have a kind of inclination towards the arts subjects.. sociology, philosophy, psychology, history(though m very poor at memorizing), geography… bt it’s a touch nut to crack wen I hv least idea about such subjects….

Currently, every day ahead is so very blank like never before.. so very confused… I feel I need to have an opinion poll…

Please suggest!

P.S: For the first time I have written so openly about myself just for a fair opinion. Hope it didn’t bother you much.

An ordeal with strangers

2009-05-23T17:52:00.000+05:30

Faces never seen, voices never heard, people never known sometimes make you think what you would not have otherwise. There have been such instances to pick from everyone’s life.

As I boarded the train for Delhi, I could see Saurabh sitting by the window. There were people giving a strange look at me as if I was an unexpected guest to their party. This is something everyone does. Have you ever felt happy to see some stranger in the train while you are seated, who could in no time grab your seat i.e. the window one that you preferred. As I made myself comfortable, I saw myself behaving the same way. A young couple arrived with their luggage at our bay. You should have seen my face for sure. I bet I would have made even a worse face than my co-travelers did when I had arrived. The obvious reason was it was me who would be sharing a part of the seat with another two people. How could it be possible when we were already 6 people comfortably seated as if waiting for the stupendous dinner to be served around the royal table like a big joint family where every other person hadn’t seen each other’s face since they were born. Mark the size of the joint family then. Well to put it straight we all belonged to the huge human family and were all strangers to each other. Now not making any fuss about we being strangers lets go back to where we were.

I was now wondering how we would share the luggage space; forget about seat for new two people. The extra luggage was thrown away into the upper berth as they made their way to make some space to sit with their best efforts and of course good manners. Now how could we stay back in mannerism? We jumped to our sides making some space for both of them. As they got themselves seated I wondered who could have been the person who had occupied maximum space before the couple had arrived. Now it was all level. Our shoulders started brushing and I could now realize that the train had started moving.

For the next 15 minutes everyone kept silence as if it were a ritual as the journey started. Then came the time when everyone got busy with their mobiles as I got a call from my Dad. Perhaps they must have realized that they too have people to call and inform that the train had started or may be they were going to reach soon which is just another 26 hours from now. Few people would have got excited because they have left to meet the desired loved ones which included me as well. But there were another set which seemed to be upset for the reason that they were moving away from their loved ones. And most importantly there were also people who belonged to the “don’t-know” category of any survey conducted in the news channels.

Soon after the train started gaining pace we started having small talks. It really amuses me to observe and watch what people do. One thing that was common in everyone’s mind was that, the 24hours of journey was going to be really boring if they didn’t start knowing each other. It was really interesting to see the way everyone was trying to break the ice and strike a conversation. I could hear someone say “Who aapka beta tha na?”, (He as your son, right?). How smart that guy must have been!! And guess what, slowly people started talking as if they have known each other since ages or have been waiting to meet for years together. As I got myself involved in few conversations, I realized that I had not yet known anybody’s name. Soon I heard Saurabh introducing himself to another guy, shaking hands after having one hour of conversation. This surprised me to an extent how do people introduce each other having talked about the whole world, when they have not spoken about themselves. This is when I came to know Saurabh’s name. He and Tejas, the other guy, later became my good friends to have a great company through out the trip.

But with in all this there was something which drew my attention to think over for hours together. There was this young couple who had joined us earlier in the morning while we started the journey. They were a couple recently married. May be a year only, I guessed it to be. I would be taking a few assumptions as per my observations. But my observations made me wonder on many things. They must have been a couple married a year back and for sure reasons they must have had an arranged marriage. The guy, was protective caring and loving. The lady, with her sweet smile, carried a little shyness around. They definitely were a happily married couple. But the striking thing was the love that existed between them. It was the guy’s warmth and the love for her in his own ways that made me think so. Their small talks with soft words and the understanding with just a mere eye contact were worth noticing. Why I say they had an arranged marriage was because of the bondage that could only be felt.

Love has always been a subject which I have not understood properly yet but had an idea about love marriages which people get bonded by the institution called marriage after falling in love with each other. Regarding arranged marriages, I had only subtle idea that two strangers meet, feel comfortable, of course considering every other aspect of life and get settled to begin a new life called marriage where they start exploring each other during the journey called life. But love-after-marriage was always an unsolved mystery for me. I agree that I have seen many other couples who love each other even if it were an arranged one. Some how I always doubted the existence of it in real sense. There was a different feeling altogether this time where I could feel love-after-marriage. To my understanding its not always love marriage which involves love in a relationship. Love does exist in arranged marriages as well which has made them successful over the years.

Love after marriage makes marriages successful in true sense.

Missing Arvind !

2009-05-15T11:50:00.000+05:30

Negi is leaving tomorrow and somehow I feel, I would be missing a good human being around. A good friend who could give all gyan regarding how to go about pursuing a course in Australia to the gyan why he always had a contradicting thought to everything that he was said before him. A true character who could make a dead man laugh aloud and who could draw your attention to a very valid point by his all witty logic.

All the best dude for all your future endeavors.

Miss your gorgeous smile and the attempt to have the Aamir Khan IStyle !!

Have a great life and hope we could be together again in this short journey called Life.

AM I Being Myself ?

2009-05-13T11:50:00.000+05:30

As I was walking down the road to my office building which sits close to my flat, I don’t know how and why I felt like writing things up which came shooting into my mind. It was after such a long time that I felt like writing. There was a gust of thoughts which had not come to me since long. Thoughts which were regarding me and I was thinking all this being a third person to me. The way I have been over these two years after leaving college. How I have changed as person personally, physically (may be not much as per others but I have: P), professionally and most importantly emotionally.

So what are the changes that I am talking about? A few observations recently on me put forward this thought that yes I have changed a lot over the period of time. But please don't ask me if they are for good or bad. Whatever it may be it is me. They say "the only constant in life is Change..." and how true has that proved to me! I had always imagined Abhisek i.e. Me as a person who would hardly come across changes when it comes to accepting it. I am resistant to changes may it be change of bed or room or seat at office or food point or anything you may say. And with this I remember I have changed my number! Gosh that is what I had never intended to do. Well, logically speaking I have not changed my number. My previous number still exists and I would continue to use that once I get my cell phone repaired. But for the time being that number is switched off and I have been using a new number which is not with anyone else except for few who have been in regular touch. But, after all I have changed my number and it’s been more than three weeks now. I have not given it to any of my friends from college or from yesteryears. Not that I don’t care about them or don’t want to be in touch with them. But I have not made an effort to circulate my number which I would have done by mails, orkut and sms to all of them few years back the day I would have got a new number. But why is it that I have not done it this time? I too don't know!

It was amusing to get a call from Parul yesterday yelling at me on my new number. She had been trying my old number since three four days but hadn’t got it connected. And finally somehow she got my new number from someone, I still don’t know who. But frankly speaking it was actually surprising to know this. I never expected her to try my number until my bday :P. Even that seems to be a bit over expectation but I never expected her call. Why I mentioned about her is that, this thing made me realize that I have not given my number to anyone and that’s how change has come within me. I have stopped listening to music! Whow !! That is impossible. But yes I have. I have stopped orkutting for hours now! I have learnt how to spend time alone at home; I have learnt how to enjoy a good book. Never thought in my wildest dream that I would complete reading books over night. Have been reading different books and the latest is of a different genre altogether. Its "Games Indians Play - Why We Are the Way We Are by V Raghunathan". That a great book and a must read for everyone who is an Indian.

Well, lets move on to something else. I told you, today I was in a writing mood after a long time. Visited few of my old friends' profile early in the morning. It was Adwitee and Sumandeep's profile that caught my eyes. Well yeah, they have been good friends from college but we weren't that great friends either. It was just by chance that I landed up in their profiles and many good memories came running to my mind. And this was the point where thoughts shoot up from all directions. Even if I had got a notepad to jot down I would have failed to do so. Anyways.. Having visited Adwitee's profile specifically took me back to my first year at college. I had roll no 1 and hers was 5. So we were teammates through out the 4 years in labs, vivas anything done in groups on the basis of roll numbers. So, she was a very good friend. The best days were when Sumandeep, Biswajit, Ajay, Dibya, Adwitee and I were involved with our attempt to create and publish a year book for our IT 2007 passing out batch. Those were the times when I realized how good these people were. Among the people I admire from the core of my heart, Sumandeep, Biswajit, Ajay, Adwitee and Dibya are the names that I must not forget to mention. The year book is still with me but I realized today that I have not opened the same since a year or so. The book which we had created for this purpose only to have a remembrance of those beautiful days is still lying in some corner of my cupboard. And it hasn’t caught my attention since long. That’s why I feel I have changed. Recently a very good friend of mine, Himanshu, had sent me a sms regarding the completion of 2nd anniversary of our engineering. Now when I had got the sms I felt nice to remember that day i.e. 27th April 2007. But somehow I didn’t feel anything different. No one to share it with who would understand its importance. There are hundreds of such dates which come across people. So how does it matter to others? It did to me on the first anniversary. But not on the second. And moreover, I too have moved on. I had always thought that I would miss my friends, college and those days. And I was not wrong. But I was wrong when I used to think that life would be nothing without them. Now I am living a life without all that. Nothing is similar to what used to be two years back. Prachi has been there through out but our relationship has also changed and this I can say is for the best. But we are no more like we used to be during college days. But somehow I feel I have been ditched by time. I didn’t have the guts to look back and take a turn. I did turn initially but like others who had preferred to move on I too did chose that path. And here I am writing this about my college days after 2 years of leaving. Now that’s what I had never expected. I had reached Kolkata and from there to Pune. But in all that I never wrote anything about college on my blog. It all was regarding my new life, new friends and new environment. I am guilty in this regard. I could have made a better effort to be what I wanted to be. There have been times when people have complained me for not being in touch. Now that’s harsh. When did I stop them from being in touch with me if I was not? Did I deny them not to be in touch with me? Well, I would prefer leaving this topic here. But somehow I feel I could have been more generous and not changed.

Well, as I said, lot has changed over these two years. Pallavi got married on 28th April! And that’s news!! I still can't believe that I wasn’t a part of her wedding just because I am hired by a god damn company which pays me some 20K odd bucks. This is what I had never thought. I always feared this life and life has proved itself over and over again. How true my parents have been in such matters. I remember when in college my mom saying me "beta, yeh sab dost wagera jo bhi hain...sahi hai lekin jab tum log alag jagah pe rahoge..no one would be around...n u wouldn’t even get time to meet them for years together...what will only matter is your life and your family"... and then I used to be so irrational in my thoughts... I never agreed to what mom used to say. But today as I see myself I somewhat agree to her words though not completely. May be I need to reach her age to agree completely. I had been to b'lore to meet pallu before she got married. and it was really great to be with her and himanshu. there were days when we all used to be with each others for more than one third of a day... but now we met after more than one and half years...that too just because pallu was getting married and she would be leaving India after that. And look as I write this she has already got married and has left India. So that’s how life has been changing. So how come I won’t change?

Well, all these thoughts have come across several times in bits and pieces. But I never had the will to pen them down. I had lost the zeal to write as I used to have few months back. I feel really weird now remembering that two days back I had updated my orkut profile and in that for the passion section I had written "none for the time being". How have things changed me really makes me wonder if I am the same person as I was. AM I being myself?

Back to the Past

2008-11-03T01:17:00.000+05:30

It sometimes seems that years that have passed by won’t get back to you. Past is always a past. That which went by has to go and however you try, you can’t get it back. It is definitely true. Sometimes you may also want the past to be never in front of you. You want to leave your past. You ignore it. And as the years pass by one gets along and rarely do we face what we left behind.

Many a times, I have tried to leave behind many things. Though I would like to live my school days once more, I never intended to get back to many such memories which have haunted me for years. Circumstances which could even remind me of those few people for whom my memories had died and even the feelings.

But someone has rightly said, your past is always with you.

It was really a good feeling and one of those happiest moments for me when Father Joseph here at Pune. It was almost after five to six years that we met. We had been in touch at regular intervals but hadn’t got an opportunity to meet him personally. It was an amazing event for me at least in these few months time which occurred.

Having met him, I was reminded of everything absolute about school. Even the place where he halted was awesome. It was pretty similar to our school environment - Same building structure, the same kind of trees, the silence, the discipline and the exactly the same type of reading room where we sat down to have a chat.

It was a dream come true to meet Father after such a long time. He looked all the same and supposedly nothing has changed since the time I last saw him. But he has grown into being a more caring person. It really seemed to be different in the way he spoke. May be that he realized we are no more those school going kids anymore. But definitely that warmth existed.

We had a good talk about everyone from school. We discussed every person we knew. But the moment he spoke about her, I grew a bit uncomfortable. A call to her and there he was talking to her. I didn’t even know she was on the call. But it was so sudden that I didn’t know how to react. That’s what I was talking of. However you want, your past follows you and remains with you.

A sudden handover of the phone from Father to me, made me speak to her who I never intended to, and of course it was so weird to talk to the person whom you knew very well, but never could be in touch just because circumstances and things were never in your favor. Few flash of thoughts just in fraction of seconds. I was about to talk to the person whom I had forgotten after several attempts. The one talking to who now seemed to be very difficult. The person who pretended not to recognize me at the first instance was on the other side. Wow !! Under all these thoughts we were into a conversation which was so formal and so different. As if we had never spoken earlier.

The thing that actually moved my thoughts was that even after so many years, I had the same excitement, the same small nervousness, the trembling hands and same cracking voice. There was a lack of words and a steady flow of inconsistent statements. Though I appeared very strong and confident, I know what I went through for those few minutes. Her thought, her voice, her being in my world was not possible since years. I even didn’t want to but this time it was like I was back to those days and I wanted not to face it. In fact one’s past would surely come before him/her some day or other whenever one meets his/her old relationships. They would take you back knowing or unknowingly. Its just the fact that you would face the same past where you left it even after an era.

But somewhere deep inside, I again feel good that I spoke to her after such a long gap of three years. I was happy too for I could know about her. I was happy for her success and also for what she has achieved. It all meant good.

Thus I am really very nostalgic and my school days would keep me awake for few days now. I would be wondering about those corridors, the class rooms and the playground. But this place which is very close to my flat definitely has so many things similar to my school. The ambiance was pretty much similar and the circumstances are still the same after so many years. That’s what past is all about. Wherever you are, you would have to face it some day. But I wish I could face it in a better way the next time.

Diwali - A Feeling

2008-10-30T00:04:00.000+05:30

The day was fabulous.Beautiful morning.Complete chutti from work and regular activities.Ideal break one can wish for after such a long week.Visit to friend's place and purchase of fire crackers for the perfect firework in the evening.

Diyas !!

Deepak !!

They r the perfect example of a person's life.They can teach u a lot.Just need to have a look at them.Observe right from the beginning when it is lighted and the fabulous flame growing just like a baby.

In the process of lighting them in the evening i could feel how nice it is to create something.The flame,the light,the child.For the first time i could feel how great it must be to be a dad.How gentle a just born child would be ! How caring we need to be to nurture and protect our children.How amazing it must have been to be a father.How proud u feel when u r a dad and when u r successful in growing your child where u want them to be.This all feeling came to me as i went on lighting diyas one by one.Giving birth to a new life.A new world.That which could not manage to sustain its own weight(the flame i am talking of ) ,that which has no existence of its own without my support, would very soon give light to the world.Remove all darkness and bring in all that happiness which we aspire for.

I also realized that nothing happens so easily.A diya which promises to enlighten everything and be a great warrior against the darkness,also has to take time to come up to its potential.It is potent enough to do so.But it also needs time.It too has to struggle against all odds.I could see that every time I lit a diya it was not suddenly that it got into its actual form.It took its time fighting against the wind.When the light itself takes time to come up why do we being just humans want everything to be done instantly.Why do we want to achieve everything without doing anything and any struggle? That everything has to undergo a natural and gradual process.We need to give in our hundred percent.

The diya gives happiness and light to all.But what does it get?Its own base is in darkness.Burns itself for others just to get nothing for itself. We too need to be selfless and now I just remember one of my friends saying me "bas social work and service kar....kya milta hai? doosron ka kaam hi bas karta reh..."

I can just say that I would still go ahead with my social service or whatever u name it just for the reason dat i wud never aspire to get anything in return.I dont expect anything.Its just my pleasure.

Zindegi Ke Kuch Sachhaiyan - Zindegi Ki Safar Mein Lyrics

2008-10-27T17:50:00.000+05:30

Zindagi Ke Safar Mein Guzar Jaate Hain Jo Makaam
Vo Phir Nahin Aate, Vo Phir Nahin Aate

Phool Khilte Hain, Log Milte Hain
Phool Khilte Hain, Log Milte Hain Magar
Patjhad Mein Jo Phool Murjha Jaate Hain
Vo Baharon Ke Aane Se Khilte Nahin
Kuchh Log Ik Roz Jo Bichhad Jaate Hain
Vo Hazaron Ke Aane Se Milte Nahin
Umra Bhar Chahe Koi Pukaara Kare Unka Naam
Vo Phir Nahin Aate, Vo Phir Nahin Aate
Zindagi Ke Safar Mein...

Aankh Dhokha Hai, Kya Bharosa Hai
Aankh Dhokha Hai, Kya Bharosa Hai Suno
Doston Shaq Dosti Ka Dushman Hai
Apne Dil Mein Ise Ghar Banane Na Do
Kal Tadapna Pade Yaad Mein Jinki
Rok Lo Rooth Kar Unko Jaane Na Do
Baad Mein Pyaar Ke Chahe Bhejo Hazaron Salaam
Vo Phir Nahin Aate, Vo Phir Nahin Aate
Zindagi Ke Safar Mein...

Subah Aati Hai, Shaam Jaati Hai
Subah Aati Hai, Shaam Jaati Hai Yunhi
Vaqt Chalta Hi Rehta Hai Rukta Nahin
Ek Pal Mein Ye Aage Nikal Jaata Hai
Aadmi Theek Se Dekh Paata Nahin
Aur Pardey Pe Manzar Badal Jaata Hai
Ek Baar Chale Jaate Hain Jo Din-Raat Subah-O-Shaam
Vo Phir Nahin Aate, Vo Phir Nahin Aate
Zindagi Ke Safar Mein

Great Lyrics

2008-10-27T17:36:00.000+05:30

kisee baat par main kisee se khafaa hoon
mai jindaa hoon par jindagee se khafaa hoon
khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon ...

muze dosaton se shikaayat hain shaayad
muze dushmanon se mohabbat hain shaayad
mai is dostee dushmanee se khafaa hoon
khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon ...

n jaane kahaa kab kise dekhataa hoon
magar main jahaa jab jise dekhataa hoon
samazataa hain wo main usee se khafaa hoon
khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon ...

n jaagaa huaa hoon, naa soyaa huaa hoon
main dil ke andheron mein khoyaa hoon
kisee chaand kee chaandanee se khafaa hoon
khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon ...

What should one do ?

2008-09-24T21:56:00.000+05:30

A New Post

Suppose, you are in your office bus returning back home in late evening. You are on the right side window seat. And at the same time you find a beautiful lady with a charming face, sweet smile and of course a good height on the correspondingly opposite side i.e. on the left side window seat with no one else between the two of you. As usual, after a long day and of course yet another 1 hour travel left to reach home, it is expected that one would prefer looking out of the window [that’s why you took that seat da (trying out to write like a south Indian young writer because every fwd that u get regarding office, college and of course office bus are written and initiated by someone from Blore or Chennai but never Hyderabad, God only knows why) ] at the whole world around and think everything that’s irrelevant (because you would have never thought over those things had you not been idle). The lights, speeding car, the cross roads, the people around, the vast dark sky, the far invisible skyline, the disturbing radio playing on your phone (which you use even if you are actually not listening to music or the gossip in some regional language that would require more of your energy than you would require at your work place), all seem to be so beautiful. But a glance at the lady and what would you do then? Is it like you would continue looking at the other side of the window and keep yourself busy in your irrelevant thoughts or try and catch another glance of her acting as if the view on the other side of the window is greener? Now, many would answer saying No! They would not get affected at all and would continue with their irrelevant stuff. I too would answer with a big NO had I been asked by any of my friends.

Let us try it and be a bit more truthful. Why then, when she gets down, you actually start again with your same old irrelevant thought process and wait for your stoppage eagerly which initially you thought should never come closer and the bus should keep on moving with the only hope that she gets down at your stoppage incidentally.

Anyways, that’s a take from my today’s experience. But somehow writing this post was actually initiated by another thought. It was in the bus itself when it struck me to write down these words. In fact every word and sentence was framed while in the bus. I wish, I had a laptop (not a palm top or a blackberry’s carry your office with you just because its so uncomfortable to type things on their small keypad. How can one match his/her typing speed with the lightening speed of own thoughts? Sometimes it even gets tougher to manage to get everything typed with a laptop) every time along with me and I could write down each and everything that I wanted to. But conditions apply too. The laptop should be lighter and not a problem to carry everywhere. What about a memory card within your brain which could capture the things that you want to save for the later period? I won’t mind if I had to type it down when I get a system. But I should be able to get back every little thing that I wished to write in form of a cached thought. Seems like Abhisek has gone nuts and is over tech savvy these days while working with the WEB2.0 (would definitely come with a post on this someday, but not sure how soon…don’t expect me to write down as soon as possible since I m not that interested to explain to the world about the new technologies which could be found even without click of a mouse…how? One can use a joystick or a keyboard or even the newer versions of laser tip tops…sorry if it was too much :D ) and all that crap which was never required even during the most advanced Indus Valley Civilization. Well, you electronics and Biotech guys whoever is reading this please think of something which could solve my problem, and yeah be quick enough to achieve this before I die. And of course don’t forget to put my name as the brain child for your research. That would definitely be a tribute to my idea even though I wont ask for a royalty having copied my idea.

Ah! I have not even come to the sole point which I intended to write. Well, I wanted to dedicate this post to all those people who came into my life at some point of time, who influenced me, brought about a visible change (okay..not visible to all though but visible to me at least…dats why its intangibleabhisek), affected me, promised to stand by me at every step of mine whatsoever may be the circumstance and finally are no more in my life.( courtesy : lack of time, busy schedule, lost phone number, change of location and of course leaving without saying a bye) I know, I would never be back with those people individually. But somewhere I imagined how life would have been had these people still been there with me. What could have been the further changes in me? How would have they reacted to every thing around me and eventually how would I have conceived the never changing circumstances.

Finally I would like to wind up this as soon as possible else I would again get complain that my posts are pretty long and take too much of time to write. Sorry if this also seemed to be long. But I can’t write shorter. But I can always try to make it “short and short” nothing more than that.

Catch all of you later very soon (again I don’t know how soon but definitely it would be soon enough).

NB1: sorry for the inconvenience caused for all those extra bracketed texts.

NB2: no offence meant to anyone alive or dead and any resemblance to anyone around please get in touch with me. Wanna meet you soon [I mean asap (as soon as possible, bad habit gathered at office)].

Missing Stars

2008-09-20T16:30:00.000+05:30

The best feeling ever!! What can it be??

Being in love? Being with the person you always wanted to be with?
Going to moon or is it driving the costliest car on the surface of the earth? Is it Lamborghini?
what else can it be ? Looking at the world, there could be zillions of things which could make you feel on the top of the world. That’s the feeling. The feeling of driving the best car, having a dream job as i read on a blog which talked about Dream Job, Dream Body and Dream Relationship. But all that makes you feel best and which you think to be the ultimate goal, doesn't stay long. Doesn't it appear really weird? It’s that particular moment, may be a fraction of a second or may be few minutes hours or days. But ultimately, that happiness, that joyous moment fades away. It was a good thought that one needs to maintain that state with the same effort that one makes to achieve it.
Perfect view point. I too agree with it.

There has always been a time when one wonders if he/she could get back to those moments and cherish it forever. The longing to get back always stays. And in a process one starts missing those events, those circumstances. It may be that you are the one who is detached from that system physically or may be that complete system or event or circumstance whatever you say has ended. One keeps on wondering with all ifs and buts. But life is not about these ifs and buts "but" it's all about the facts and guts. Guts to accept the facts of life. It may be sooner or later, but one has to accept the fact.

Anyways coming back to the "best feeling ever", I suppose by now you would have given a thought over it. Believe me; it was really tough for me to decide what this feeling must be. What it is that would make me feel the best? For me - Knowing that you are being missed by your own people makes you feel the best. I may miss many in turn, I may always want to be a part of them, I may wonder if I could be a part of all that I left behind. You let people know that you miss them, you miss being a part of their life. It makes them feel good. But, back there, whether they too feel the same, whether they miss your presence, makes you think twice over your own thoughts. But, guess what, someone calls you and says, "Hey Dude, we have been meeting every day for lunch together. You remember the way we always used to have, which had slowly turned into a dream for all of us because of our busy schedule and changing priorities? Yes, we are back again and we take out time to be together at least for an hour during the lunch. And you know what, we were missing you and we wished if you could be with us out here!!"

That’s the feeling. That’s it Boss! It makes me feel on the top of the world. Well, it’s been more than a year that our ITP days got over. We are no more ITPians. A new batch of fresh blood has come in. The new ITP batch. Every time you look at them, either in the corridor, or at the training rooms or at the canteen or even with their new posts at tech mate(Tech Mahindra's best portal so far), you would feel the same freshness, enthusiasm, the joy, the excitement that we had last year.

We too started off with the same colourful manner with hopes and promises to keep. My first post at techmate always gets a read every time I remember those days. But somewhere we all lost ourselves in the rat race. Don't blame the situation or the work load. I suppose we were even busier and disturbed during the ITP training, tests, re-tests and with the fear of being sacked. But then we fought together, we hit it hard and fired with all cylinders. The common thing being we were 'WE'. But then slowly things changed, we lost the grab, we started taking lunch at our own convenience, we started losing the hold of our hands. We shifted our gears on the fast track unaware of the fatal accident that we may face. We did face it! But we accepted it and moved on saying it to be LIFE. But never did we look back and check where we changed our priorities.
But after more than a year, we are back. Some have been relocated to different places, some are still at the same place and some are still busy enough to send a good morning mail. But, like I had the best feeling ever, can everyone out here get the opportunity to feel the same?? Yes we need to get back. Get back with the same feeling.

Now I don't have to be sad or feel bad that I am not a part of all of them during lunch, I may be still taking lunch all alone. But I am not sad. I feel good for the fact that I'm still among them. They all "MISS ME". They are missing the "STAR". Its not that I'm a star or I was something different. I was one among them and I am still one among them even today. Don't have any idea when we all would be together again, but its for sure that the day I meet even one of them, I know, I would feel the same being one among them.

Suicide ??

2008-09-19T20:45:00.000+05:30

This is a poll that I had created in our office. The response was huge and definitely the answers were unexpected. I had thought that people would be against my genuine thought but i was taken aback by their response. What do u have to say about the same ? Before you go ahead with your comments please go through my idea about the same.

Please give the feedback on your own basic idea.
My Idea
A person committing suicide is definitely under lot of pressure and always takes this step as an ultimate solution to this problem. But do you agree that a person has to be suicidal in his attitude from the beginning? Is it always that a person who commits suicide is actually an escapist?

I believe no human being is suicidal. It’s an act which is committed within very small span of time. A person takes a decision to commit it only in a hurry and had he thought about all aspects of it, he would have never taken such a step. And we can never predict who is going through this thought. You never know the person sitting next to you would have felt like committing a suicide. Even a jolly and happy person you knew could take this drastic step under certain circumstances. But are these circumstances strong enough to take ones own life? How far do you think it is justified that circumstances are the reason for someone’s life death situation. But what matters is that, how strong is the thought of committing it at that particular moment when it strikes the victim.

Do we have any method to make out who is hit with this dreadful thought? How do we prevent them from taking such a decision? Even the most balanced person can get tumbled within moments of such behavior, for is there any particular medical implication which can help us avoid such thoughts?

Let's discuss what’s your take on such a sensitive topic which has always ruined families and the near one and dear ones wondering what could be the reason and how could he/she take such a drastic step without even thinking of them. But it still occurs now and then here or there.

Abhisek Mohanty
8/14/2008 11:13 AM

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Feedback for this article:
agreed that one needs a lot of courage to come to decision to end life , but i think , even more courage is required to face the problems and live the life.wat say??
Pallavi Joshi

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We all are forgetting the suicide bombers who end his/her life in the name of religion or Jihad and end up taking many more lives.
Liza Talapatra

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Sucide......huh intresting. Can somebody tell me how the problem is solved after you attempt a successful suicide. Means i have lot of problems but this doesnt seem to be the saolution as it doesnt empower me to see my problem getting solved. Also if we see, from example of person who has done it, the problem is still there only you, a selfish filthy creature, has resighned from the very problem, but the others around you are still fighting the same and now with 2 hands lesser to support. Take a case of failure student (may be in exam or in any of the imp activity), still you have created problem for the people around you. The people were expecting from you to do better the next time but you failed to fullfil them so first to created a failure and agin you created another failure and ran away to place where no one can find you. I would be happy that through this forum if my thought reaches the individual who may think of the attempting suicide but changes his mind because of these words. In the end i would just like to say, if any one of you think of Sucide as solution to problem, please think again you are not solving the problem but you are running away from it making the problem much more severe than it is actually at present. And no one can conquer death it will take you with it as and when it wants to so dont let death win a easy victory.
Shounak Joshi

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When person come to conclusion of committing suicide , that step is where he/she has tried & thought about all ther other option which can be of any help. But when he/she finds that all the doors are closed or he does not have courage to try for those option because of fear that it will hurt someone or he/she will get negative responce. In most of the cases the person who commit suicide is the one who things about people close to them very much & who think that its better to end their own life instead of giving trouble to their loved ones.
Samata Jogad

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one needs a lot of courage to come to that point and decide to end one's life.its not that they are cowards and cannot face the world.
Aishwarya Rangarajan

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@Suman : You need help. Please seek assistance from your friends and family. "Cool" hummmmmm....
Siddharth Verma

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I think suicidal tendencies are coool and suicide victims are even cooler..
Suman Gogoi

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I think it is all because, we all are not aware the important of life . Life? what exactly it is? no one knows completly. So we all should try to unfold this is ? ... we would be able to prevent this.
Jai Singh

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I think there are many circumstances which can contribute to someone's decision to end his/her life, but a person's feelings about those circumstances are more important than the circumstances themselves.All people who consider suicide feel an extreme sense of hopelessness, helplessness, and desperation.People who talk about committing suicide or make an attempt do not necessarily want to die. Often, they are reaching out for help.
Anita Mulye

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I agree with you Siddharth. Its really tough for anyone who is leaving behind everything....therefore somewhere we can comment unless we are in their shoes.
Abhisek Mohanty

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I think this is all about one's EQ - Emotional Quotient. In this very competitive era - our systems always concentrate on IQ whereas no one really pays attention on EQ. Generally highly talented people or people who haven't had a chance to test any failures in their life time generally has a tendency to develop Inferiority Complex very easily. If one is strong enough on his EQ front he/she won't take such extreme steps. EQ development is affected by many factors over a long period of time right from our childhood. There was a very nice thing said about success and failure by renowned Marathi musicial. He said, we and success is just like a chakra. Success runs ahead of us and we try to catch the same. At times when we feel that we are not getting what we want, just relax and let the time decide the course of action. Eventually you will find that success is behind you and you are ahead of it." It's a very simple thing with a real deep meaning - one needs to understand this and let the time decide the course of action when it is really beyond our control.
Archana Gorkar

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Circumstances can drive people to do anything, even to commit suicide. No one can actually fathom whats going on in the mind of person who is going through a rough phase. You might say that the people who commit suicide were losers and they could have held on for some more time and they could used some more courage, are commenting because they are not in that person's shoes. Facing anything first hand is all together different from sitting outside the ring and commenting on it.
Siddharth Verma

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i can remember an sms i recieved whle at college.. it actually meant -"if you keep on praying and GOD never answers, it means he knows u can handle it and you are just wasting His time." -[cudnt put the exact words-].Some just never realise that. as people below say, LIFE is too beautiful a gift to lose cheap. btw , well said Nimish.
SriGuru N.G.

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As someone has said: "Suicide is a permanent solution to the temporary problem." So, problems are always temporary, and after some period of time, they get resolved. Each problem has one or more definite-solution(s) definitely because a problem is nothing but something created by circumstances or by our own mistakes or by other people or by unavoidable natural disasters(which is not in our hand).The real thing lies in having the courage or strenth to wait till the solution comes or till we find solution with the help of others. As someone has said: "Someone who wins is not more courageous than others but he has the same amount of courage but that courage in him lasts longer than others." "The time when you think to give up, is only the right time to go ahead at any cost!" as read in Frozen thoughts magazine. Following catchline of Mission Istanbul is worth reading: "Darr Ke Aagey Jeet Hai!" So, only THAT MOMENT needs to be controlled where we feel that everything is out of control. And if controlled, you win!
Nimish Sonar

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It's a foolish thing to commit suicide....to commit suicide we cann't get any solution of our problems infact we create the big problem for our family & relatives. I think life is very beautiful & we have to live it & enjoy it. Life is most beautiful gift ever for everybody which is gifted by GOD. So, once again i wud like to say that those who commited suicide are fool, becoz they dont know how live life.
Praveen Sharma

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Suicidal thoughts are an involuntary affliction. No body chooses to think them. Suicidal thoughts just enter, they just come into your mind on their own. Suicidal thoughts are very active and have tremendous emotional power. They push you, urge you, compel you towards suicide. I think most suicidal cases are based on unclear thinking. Persons attempting suicide want to escape from their problems. Instead, they need to confront their problems directly in order to find other solutions, solutions which can be found with the help of concerned people who support them through the crisis period. The attraction of suicide is that it will finally end all unbearable feelings. The tragedy of suicide is that deep emotional pain often blinds people to alternative solutions. Most of people committing suicide give some clue as to their intentions before they make an attempt. Becoming aware of these clues can help in preventing such a tragedy. Bharat Paliwal
Bharat Paliwal

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Studies show, that person committing suicide has given few hints about his intention at different stages, before actually committing it. Person almost always is moody,when he is enjoying he can be the talk of the town, when he is not he can be the broodiest person around. Suicide rarely happens because of pressure, it happens due to sense of guilt, shame, rigid view on relationships. Person concerned almost always had a very strong sense of fairness and how things should be. It is the inability of compromise between what inner world says and how outer world behaves, drives the person to commit such act. Suicide is reprehensible act.
Probal Chatterjee

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Rizwan - your friend's case is an exception.There are cases when a person decides to takes own life in a matter of minutes.But by and large ,Majority of people attempt Suicide after a long tension...
Shashikant Kulkarni

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When i was in class 10 and preparing for final exam. One of my very close friends took this step and jump from 4th floor at 6:30 pm 10-jan-94. I and my other friends were also present at that time when we heard a sound and we rush towards him, next morning he died. The reason of his suicide was small quarrel with her sister. He was not under pressure neither he was sad that day, that day he was with us and was in good mood. Suicide is not a long term plan may be a person is under pressure or depressed or anything but he/she took this decision in a very span of time. If some one thinking that I want to suicide that means he is mentally ill. I agree with Pankaj that is why in Islam Suicide is forbidden.
Rizwan Asdaque

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Abhisek ,your first line that -A person committing suicide is definitely under lot of pressure and always takes this step as an ultimate solution to this problem ... is very much true. But I dont agree that he / she take this decision in very small span of time. I dont remember but I have read a artical by one Japanese about the same topic.According to that - a person taking his/her own life do it after thinking on it for a lot of days and times (ofcourse his power of thinking positively is very limited.)Main reason is he don't share his problems with anyone.There is no way you could find out who will be the next. The only simptum I think is when you see a person very dipressed / keeping to himself, stop taking interest in matters/things which he/she used to be. Proper consulling at this very stage is the only solution on this...
Shashikant Kulkarni

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I do not think sucide is solution for any problem. Sucide of a person is a big punishment to his entire family. sucide is selfish step, i want to mention only one thing here "Live your life for others [your family,friends]". This is the ultimate way of staying happy.
Pankaj Mirajkar

Mind - Rambling Around

2008-09-06T16:52:00.000+05:30

I have been going through lot many thoughts these days. Just didn't the outlet till now. Thank god. Few proxies too work at office :)

Before I get started, I would like to give the news up front. Finally I accepted a project at Pune. Sometimes we need to adjust to circumstances and let life play. Have been really busy these days and this is the time which makes me think. Thoughts keep crossing without giving you a chance to even think about that thought.

Recently when I was with my room mates discussing everything on the top of the world I got a suggestion from one of my very good friends, Rahul, to write a book. I mean I know I can write a book. He could convince me that I can get along and think seriously to write a book. I too want to write a book but had never analyzed anything on what kind of book it must be. But yeah, after the suggestion that night I could not stop thinking about the subject. I got it and even I have planned for it. The way it would start and the whole story is before me. But I don’t know seriously when I can begin it. May be I can start after this year. But definitely that discussion with Rahul and Vivek has opened the flood gates for me to think for my dreams. A publishing house of my own is a dream. But how far I achieve this is a big question mark.

My leaves have been cancelled for the Puja vacation and I would only be taking a leave after 15th, Jan 2009. That’s sad but currently I am focused on my job and may be this is the field which I have ignored the most. But slowly but steadily am getting everything into the groove. Things are settling down and I have started enjoying what I am doing. That’s the most important thing which I need.

Getting back on track feels great and in the process I’m least bothered about anything around me. Things are changing but I have taken this responsibility to make things the way I want it to be and leave the rest what I don’t care about. Loving this time where I have found time for myself. Orkutting, checking mails and of course blogging have made life better and of course the new pressure cooker situation is making it feel good. Few movies in the last few weekends complete the quota of movies that I needed to complete. Few night shows and small hang outs at Adlabs make life better. The best ones being Jaane Tu…Ya Jaane Na, Bachna Ae Hasino, Mumbai Meri Jaan and Rock On. A trip to Mumbai two weeks back was more special with Chicku and her friends. Mumbai is no doubt a city of dreams – “Sapno ki Nagri”.

I have seen many Oriyas who stay outside Orissa and forget their own culture.Came across a good fine friend who proved me wrong. Having stayed outside the state since birth, it is expected that you won’t know anything about your motherland. But it was surprising to note that the person is grounded to the roots which made me feel great at office. Such people are examples for those who don’t give a damn to their culture when they leave their own land. Its not about an Oriya or Marathi but what I want to project is that we better know our own culture. Some people may not agree with this thought but I don’t feel sorry for what I say. Rather we can look at this thought from a broader sense. We as Indians don’t actually understand our own priceless history and culture but ask an NRI who has not visited India since 10 years. He would rather be more connected to his/her land. He must be asking his children to learn more about their country India but we as Indians fail to feel great about our own country. We have proved to be the best in all the fields and even we are improving in Olympics but we don’t care to take this forward. Few weeks back Abhinav Bindra wrote for The Times of India as a guest editor. His thought was really very crystal clear and he has proved to be worth his Gold Medal. I have been following his few interviews and other pieces of articles that come about him and his take on the field of sport needs to be considered if we want India to excel in Olympics. We need to grow as a country and be proud about ourselves.

Singur crisis has uncovered the truth about politicians who do anything for their own good. Tata industries have the reputation of being an organization who has given back to the society and to the country. The Nano Car being the best example. Even the employee satisfaction and the way they feel for their people need not be mentioned. But after all this that they have faced, I feel if these things continue it would be never in near future that we can see India as a super economy. For the petty politics and self benefit, our politicians would ruin the country and seeing India at the top would always remain as a dream. Its sad that the whole country is busy watching game shows, not at all funny comedy shows and the pathetic news channels. But in all this, the way Mukesh Ambani, The Birlas and The Godrejs have come up addressing the issue and shown their suppprt for The Tatas, no doubt our Corporate have been progressive and matured themselves to a great extent for the development of the country leaving aside their own rivalries and cut throat competitions. Definitely a good sign for the growth of the country.

The Road Not Taken - Robert Frost

2008-09-06T16:43:00.000+05:30

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference

...Robert Frost

Inspiration

2008-08-09T02:18:00.000+05:30

I have been blogging since long. Didnt realise that it has almost been two years from now that i posted my first blog. Believe me its not easy to continue doing this unless there is some inspiration to do so. To start it was a big task for me.
How did it start then ?
Well, i had plans for getting into this world long before i posted my first blog out here. Had even created my own account. I remember, then blogger was a different identity altogether with nothing like google behind it. Somehow one day when i was just logging in i found that it has been taken up by google. Became easier for me to transform my account to gmail a/c and thus more easier for me to forget about blogging as life used to be on a different track with other priorities. Never did i realise why should i go for this world.I was curious to give it a try since i had heard a lot about it then.Life was orkut much more than anything else though on the later stages orkut still continued to play a good role in my life. But thanks to orkut that i got my inspiration(in person) who could explain to me my real priorities and the true potential that this world of blogging has. I agree that blogging practices are of different types. And my expectations initially was to address a huge audience with something really innovative and different. Somewhere i was waiting for something different to do. Make it really Big! And thus i kept on waiting and waiting than going for it.
But things changed so rapidly that i never realised that I was into my first blog after waiting for over a year. Thanks to the person who inspired me about blogging. It was she who actually had been blogging since long. After going through her blogs i realised that i didnt need a big theme to go for it. it can be kept simply simple. Interacting with her about everything in life gave me a complete different idea about how i looked at things. Though my writing skills can never match her type but what i realised was that i need not be a big writer or a scholar to start it. What i needed was to be truthful to myself in carrying it further. Many small things inspired me from her blog which i had never realised ever in my life. Every aspect of her writing was different from the other.
Thats how i started my journey which i was not sure of where was i heading to. how was it going to help me. Only thing that i had, was to write my heart out. lots of encouragement and support with every post from her actually kept on pushing me. As the journey had stated it was just a process which i needed to continue. I had started loving what i was doing and slowly i realised that it was what i had been looking for. Posting frequently became a habbit as she would keep waiting for my next post. This always gave a reason to go ahead. Things started to roll on and on. In the process, i got to know a different person. It was none other than me! And thanks to her for making me realise what i was.It was her endeavour in giving me very truthful feedback which helped me get better and better. She had always been a perfect critic of my posts.
For over a period of six months i kept on rolling the ball which i loved to play with. And during that she hadn't stopped writing either. Her blogs and few more blogs suggested by her helped me know what it exactly meant to write it on the blog rather than a diary. I know what i write generally does not have much of interest to people who are not connected to me. But it hardly matters. I don't write it out here for someone to read. I write it for the reason that i wanna write it. Just putting my perception to everything that goes around me. Tellig you all this has definitely has a reason. Reason to thank the person who helped me come so far. Giving all the credits to my source of inspiration. Hadn't she come into my life i would have never ever started this beautiful journey. Hadn't she figured out me and understood me as a person i would not have been writing this today. Its all credit to her that I stand here. She came into my life as if it was only for this purpose.To make me start this journey and continue it futher. Today as i sit down to think about all that occurred, she isn't there in touch with me for more than one and half year now. She has even stopped blogging. I can't accept that she has left writing. Reasons for these changes are unknown and i have no scope to find it out either. But i am not convinced that she has left writing. She could never do so. Just like air that we breath, writing was life for her. She could live without air but without writing i suppose it would raise quite a few eyebros who knew her deep down.
For her there may be many reasons for not coming into the public with her writings. But for me i can't even find a single reason for which she has not kept it going. With all my curiousity i still wait for her blog to get updated someday. I hope she still goes through my blogs and finds this today. Its impossible that she wouldn't be going through this because i know how she used to read my posts as soon as they got posted. Sometimes this really bothers me. Restlessness creeps in with many different fears raising their heads like demons within me. Fears which i can't explain. But there has to be something wrong with her.
Even after contacting her after such long period i couldn't make out the reason. Just like a mystery it has denied to unfold itself. Unfold the real truth which i am unaware of. Awaiting time to give me a chance someday to know the reality. But supposedly those of my fears shouldn't come out true. Praying God for everything to be fine.
Finally, I would thank her once again for making me get into this journey. If you are reading this Neha, then I would appeal to you to get back to blogging. Come back to this world and if you don't intend to then at least let me know the truth. Now its not under my senses anymore. And please give a second thought to your decision. Do get back.
Don't have any other means to convey my thanks other than this. Hope you read it someday.

School Days

2008-08-02T02:43:00.000+05:30

[This piece of fiction connects to the days which every individual loves to get back to. The days we always cherish and the incidents which now may appear to be trivial were of the most matured events for us at the beginning of adolescence. Here is an attempt to step back and have a look at the very similar events which we too have experienced at some point of time. The School Days! ]

She looked like an angel. Their eyes met and she gave him a usual smile that had made his heart skip its beat years ago. He neither expected the smile nor did he expect skip of a beat. No doubt he had his excitement to see her after 7 long years. That’s what brought him to the reunion party of his batch at school. He had never attended this event all these years. But this time the reason was quite obvious.
She was getting married next year. This would be her last visit for the reunion. She has never missed a single reunion party after school got over. But this time she didn’t want to attend it. A strange feeling crossed her mind. It was in the morning 9.30 that she realized. She had to reach school by 11am. But this strange feeling of anxiety made her a bit reluctant. Did she hear Ravi saying the other day that Abhinav was coming for this reunion for the first time? But why then is he flying from London only for this event while he never came for the reunions earlier when he was in the same place?
It was after pretty long time that Abhinav was back from office at 8pm. The last whole year had been truly over scheduled. Having got a chance to prove himself, he didn’t wish to let it go this time. It’s been quite hectic for him but he loved to over stress himself. Not because he liked it but he believed in keeping himself so busy that he had no time for other thoughts to cross his mind which he was afraid of. He just wanted to let go off the past. His only belief that he should be busy enough to have no time left through out the day made him work harder and when it came to the end of the day, only thing that his mortal body looked for was a place to lie down in the arms of stress. Lying on the bed he just remembered how busy he had been since he left college. But what went wrong? Why was he so busy? What for? Queries uncountable crossed his mind suddenly. The feeling of restlessness took him to the huge windowpane. He could feel the cold through the glass pane. London looked spectacular from the 22nd floor of his apartment. As he slid the window, a gust of wind kissed him making his specs go blurred. It even made the survival of the warm flame difficult at the fire place. But this didn’t move him. He was lost in thoughts of the chat that he had with Nilima two hours back.
She was late. She finally decided to attend the party. It was her last visit and she didn’t want to miss the opportunity to meet all her old pals for the last time. After all they were the people who had stood alongside her during the thick and thin times of these 7 years. Not to forget the worst phase of life after school. She reached late and it was a delight for everyone to see her. There were those smiling faces and big laughs over the childhood days. Sitting under the big Mango tree they all discussed those childish acts of theirs. Those small fights and big pranks had become memorable for everyone who was part of it. Behind every small thing that they discussed there lived some good old memories which could easily bring out tears in the smiling faces at regular intervals. For Rajni it was a treat to be there and be a part of such a batch which was one of the best ones in the school so far. But her eyes were searching for someone. She knew he would be there. Ravi would not lie to her for any reason. But she wondered why she was anxious.
Abhinav arrived but he was late, for his car broke down on the way. But everyone was really feeling great meeting him after 7 long years. They knew he would be there this time and somewhere everybody thought he had changed a lot since he left. No calls and contact from his side had made everybody think that he was no more their same Abhinav. But meeting him, these all doubts were cleared when they saw the same old shy and charming Abhinav. It was just that he had grown tall with a wide smile that he rarely used to have. Someone said "Hey Abhi, you needn’t stand in front of the queue anymore during the assembly!!" That made everyone burst out laughing. Even Rajni did have a good laugh and when everyone went together for the lunch their eyes met and she had the same smile. How could he forget the smile that had drawn many guys of the school to woo her from the same batch as well as the seniors?
As everybody went ahead with the lunch and chit chats of the most memorable days, Abhinav chose to go around the school and firstly to the room where he had completed his grade X. As he moved along the corridor every thing flashed back. Though it had been 7 long years that he visited his school but that was not big enough for his memories to be blurred. He could remember his first day in school. He, in his 6th grade had to shift school for his dad’s transferable job. Though he never wished to change his school but there was nothing he could do about it. He had to come along leaving behind the past. When he crossed the principal’s room he remembered how he was assigned his class as VI-A and his roll number as 16. That was his identity for his day to start. The heavy new bag, full of new books were heavy enough for him to carry. He had no excitement but a fear while he was escorted to his classroom by the attendant who ruthlessly showed him his classroom and informed the teacher about the new student with roll number 16. He wondered what his parents would do after going back to their new home from the principal’s room. He wished he could join them and be a part of all the fun of unloading and of course settling of things. For him, who was a child of age 11, it was all fun to run around with his new BMW car (of course playing loudest horns even if there was nothing to stop his car) in the magical flat which was actually speaking whatever he spoke. This thought brought about a big smile on Abhinav’s face on his own innocence. Looking back at the principal’s room he moved along to take the stairs to the first floor.
Every step that he took gave him millions of memories and he could feel the excitement now, which he never had on his first day. He kept on smiling like a crazy person. His smile had by then turned into an open hearted laughter when he realized that it was after such a long time that he himself couldn’t make out how long was it. As it was winter vacation for the students, there was no one in the school except him and his batch mates. He had never seen school to be so silent and lonely. His laughter slowly died out as he passed through VI-A. He could see through the glass pane the first bench near the door where he sat for next one year after he was left all alone by that rude attendant at the hands of some brutal lady who perhaps seemed to be the strictest teacher in the school. Well, by the time he could imagine all the fun at home, roll call had started and he started to pay attention when it reached roll no 9, 10 and 11. Just a halt and suddenly he heard someone say ‘dude…enough of sight seeing…come and have your lunch…we are having loads of fun and of course girls are missing u a lot…where are u lost yaar?’ ‘Just a few minutes bro…I’ll be right back..carry on and I promise I would join you people in no time..and yeah thanks for the news about all the girls ;)" , he said. Just then, he saw Rajni in the ground floor. Ignoring her and trying to get back to his sweet memories he moved ahead.
Rajni, who had been to school every year and even more than once a year during these seven years, could actually understand what must have been going through Abhinav’s mind. She could feel the pain in his heart. His reasons for not coming to school after he left no one knew but it was she who had known everything though he hadn’t even contacted her after that. Just that she had known Abhinav since the day he came to school, Rajni knew him very well. Though she had visited school quite regularly in the past but she too was quite nostalgic about her days in school. She was nervous about her new life that was going to begin. There were these other things which didn’t actually keep her connected to the discussions around her. Everybody by now had actually got down from the mode of fun and frolic. Everyone was having their lunch and topics regarding school days had started. People were discussing all the happenings, their experiences of life after school, their new friends, new relationships, the new people they met and how they were moving ahead with the fast paced life. Then there were talks of few people who had already got married and those who couldn’t make it to the event for their personal constraints. There were innumerable talks on various topics which covered everything under the sky including politics and the new generation people. The mood was set for a good time for the whole day. It had been really fun and fantabulous for everyone.
But, on the other hand seriously immersed in his own thoughts and childhood memories, Abhinav walked along and passed by all the class rooms, sports room, staff room, store room, labs where he had spent years of his childhood, his uninterrupted days of fun with his playful friends his lovable teachers who gradually became his best teachers of the lifetime. Ticking of each second in the watch gave him bliss and never ending happiness. He wished if time could halt and he would have another chance to relive his school life. He wondered why every grade he studied was of only one year duration. Why not two or more? He had moved into his childhood innocence and finally when he reached his class X-A, it was all volatile. He was in some other world of his own. He didn’t know what he was trying to do. Where he was heading to? It meant no sense. He just wanted to be there and feel the days which were the last days of his school life. He knew its importance because it was his 10th grade that changed his life significantly though not completely as he had thought when he was in his adolescent. He stood there in front of the door and helped himself in. That was the room where he had lived the best days of his life. He was facing his past in this beautiful set up once more. He moved across the green board through all the desks and benches observing closely each and everything as if he was going through the past itself. He could identify his seat. Moving his hands across the desk, he slowly sat down getting all his nerves under control.
He was lost in his world when he could hear sound of foot steps drawing closer to the room and he could see Rajni standing at the door. Before he could speak anything Rajni walked slowly into the room and he looked with astonishment.
‘Hi Abhi…How are u??’ ‘I’m fine…but how come you are here?’ he reverted back in a hurry.
‘Yes Abhi I know, you must be surprised to see me here and supposedly it’s after such a long time that we are meeting for which you could forget that we are still friends and you didn’t…’
Abhinav interrupted her and said ‘Look Raj, I don’t want to discuss what I have left behind in the past. But anyways, heard you are getting married. Congratulations!’ He was surprised to have asked this question by himself. He was trying to make her comfortable and change the topic but he realized that he had made it worse.
‘Thanks and yeah I’m getting married this March.’, she said and could not look into his face. Turning her head away she started ‘Yeah, his name is Sekhar and he is a businessman in Mumbai. It’s an arranged marriage!!’
Though Abhinav had every detail of it before he reached in Pune, but he didn’t let her know about it. ‘Oh!! wow…that’s great…I hope you are happy with your parents’ decision and you are looking forward to it.’ ‘Of course yes Abhi and being my best friend you can definitely understand my circumstances.’ This sounded like a shock for Abhinav. He couldn’t believe what his ears were hearing. Best Friends was something which he had again never expected.
The first day at school, he had seen the most bubbly, naughty girl during the roll call when she had responded to 11. As the days had passed by, Abhinav had found it tough to connect to his new school. Though he had started interacting with few students, but he still didn’t have the greatest of times. It was then that he had got a new friend named Rajni whose sweet and cute smile had always made him feel good about their friendship which had blossomed quickly into a very strong bond between them. He always considered Rajni as his best friend but he was not sure of the same from the other side.
‘Hey Abhi, are you here???’ ‘Yups’, breaking from the thoughts he said. As he looked into her eyes, she could not keep her calm. She burst into tears as if these were held since long for this moment. Abhinav was awestruck with this and tried to console her for what had happened. But again he could not do anything because he himself was in tears as he knew he was facing his past in his present. He had to do so and he was prepared for it. But he never knew that he would fall weak. In all this, Rajni who had lost her control tried to regain herself and spoke.
‘Abhi, I would like to say sorry for everything that I have done in the past. I know you would never forgive me for that but I am guilty of everything. I know that you always considered me as your best friend. But I had never realized it before. I should not have hurt your emotions.’
Now Abhinav broke free and asked ‘Then why did you do that Raj…why? Why did you accept my love when you knew you had no feelings of that sort? Was it all fake when you went for my proposal in 10th? Oh! God…what a fool I was. I understand that it was too childish at that moment but how could you not think once when you had no feelings for me? You could have said me the truth that you and Subhasis liked each other. Subu was my best friend yaar…how could you both think that I won’t understand?’
‘Yeah, your anger is justified Abhi, but Subu never wanted to hurt your emotions and thus he never said me about his feelings too. And more over as you know, we were very good friends as you and I. After he came to know about your feelings for me and your proposal to me, he had asked me not to break his best friend’s heart. If you remember Abhi, initially I had not said a yes to you because I never had such feelings for you. But it was your best friend and also my best friend Subu who was ready to make the sacrifice keeping everyone in dark. On his conviction that I can always trust you with your feelings and compulsion that I too had the same feelings for you which I was unaware of made me think twice for you. I tried to create feelings and thus I had agreed with Subu to go with your emotions. Abhinav I know it would hurt you but truly speaking I had no feelings for you whatsoever. But hurting you was never my intention. What I didn’t want to lose is your friendship. I didn’t want that shy, charming new comer of our class to lose himself like the time when he had come to our school. I always knew that you were very truthful with your emotions and therefore I tried to love you from the core of my heart. But during those three months of our getting together, I came to know about Subu’s sacrifice. My kinder garden friend, who had been there for me every time, was losing his own control. He was completely lost and I could see love in his eyes which he always hid from me. But how could I let go of my own emotions for him as well. Deep down me too liked roll number 9 very much. I had always required Subu in anything I wanted. This realization of my feelings made me guilty. I didn’t want to hurt you in anyway. Therefore I had decided to break up with you. But I didn’t have the guts to tell you all this at that time. I was hurt myself and wanted to make everything right. I could not help you either in this matter because Abhinav what I knew was that you too loved me as much I loved Subu. As I said I had no intention to hurt you, so I kept myself away from you thinking you might get over these feelings finding me not worth. But by the time passed in 10th grade, Subu and I had already come to know about each others feelings. At this, I know you were hurt the most and there were misunderstandings between you and Subu as well. He also was hurt for this and wanted to make everything clear. Remember Abhi, after 10th when you had come for our first reunion party and on the New Year day Subu had said you that he wanted to say you something? This was all he wanted to say but he couldn’t. He was afraid that may be he would lose your newly regained friendship. Thus he kept quiet. He had said that he would say it all to you someday very soon in the near future but he hardly knew that he was left with only few days after that.’ She burst out saying this and Abhinav was also in tears since long as he had been hearing every word of Rajni. He tried to control himself but he was in complete shock. Yes, he knew about Subhasis’s accident that became the most tragic day of his and everyone’s life. It was then that he had moved to Delhi and he could not even come for the last rituals. But after that he had never come back for any reunion and he had never understood Rajni. He had always misunderstood Rajni. But hearing all this, his soul melted down like a candle burning himself deep within. He was in complete distress. The agony that he had been in, since 7 years, got converted into tears. He cried like a child. Before he could speak anything Rajni continued with tears rolling down her eyes and her voice choking with every word. But she had to speak up. Because even silence can be deceptive! She continued to speak out, for you may never get a chance to speak what you feel, ever again.
‘Abhinav, I just wanted to tell you these things because somewhere I feel guilty for everything that has happened. May be God has punished me by taking my Subu away from me, for all that I had done to you in the past. I had never thought this could be my fate. I am really sorry for hurting you and your emotions. I never had any intention to hurt you but this is how everything had turned out to be.’
Now Abhinav had controlled himself and tried to interrupt Rajni. Tears were still rolling down his eyes but he could realize what would be going through Rajni. Regaining himself he said, ‘Rajni, you need not be sorry for anything. There was no fault of yours. If I look at everything closely then it is you who has gone through all the pain. It is you who has lost the most. It is you who was in all dilemmas. You know Raj, after I came to know about your and Subu’s emotions, I never wanted to hurt two of my best friends. I never knew how much I matter in your lives but you two had always been the most important part of my life. My life in school had found new meaning for you two only. It was that tragic incident that I had decided to leave my past behind. But this time, I got to know about your marriage and I was really happy to know that you have left the past behind. Raj, I just wanted to congratulate you for this and I wish you to be happy. Sometimes, you need to forget the past and think 'jo hota hai ache ke liye hota hai'. You can either be a whimp or a warrior. I have always seen you as a warrior who was never moved by any setback. I want you to get up and be bold enough to face the world. And please don’t worry about me, because I am very happy the way life has taken me. I request you not to feel guilty about anything and not to think that you have ever hurt me. Can friends hurt each other? Aren’t we a reason to smile for each other? You have always been a great friend and will always be one for me. Anyways tell me how your Mr.Smart is and yeah keep your tears in store for your marriage dear.’ Hearing this Rajni smiled back and with tears still in her eyes flowing down with a single motive to lose their identity once they move through her face. Abhinav wiped off her tears, and asked her to go ahead and live the new beginning of her life.
As they looked out through the window pane of the classroom they realized that it had started becoming dark and dusk was fast approaching. They got up from their small seats, where they had those memorable days and walked towards the door. As they moved forward and reached the door, Abhinav looked back at the whole room and felt a sigh of relief and took a deep breath with closed eyes thanking it to have given him the best days of his life. He felt himself to have given away with all anger, agony and frustration. He could feel a new beginning to his life exactly like the last day in school when he had a beginning to his life while leaving it. But this time he could realize how years have passed by.
As they both walked down stairs to join their other friends, Rajni congratulated Abhinav for all his achievements and success over these seven years and asked him to get himself a beautiful wife and be settled. Abhinav had smiled back and without regret agreed and said a big yes. They both reached where their other friends had settled down and without notice got themselves back into their group.
With not much questions, others too realizing the situation, got along with their fun and Abhinav also decided to come back for every reunion party in the future. He felt the beauty of childhood relationships which are more strongly bonded than the ones that we create or get later on in our lives. He had this realization that school days were the best days of his life however good or bad experiences it had brought with it. But school days are the building blocks to any person’s life.
School Days…School Days….School Days !!!!!!!!!

Oh! Calcutta

2008-07-16T16:06:00.000+05:30

Seems like its been a decade that I have written !
Oh! What a feeling!
I come back and as always the world around me is sleeping and the wait is for a new sunrise and a new beginning into every sleeping eye. But, I have been scrolling through my memory lane with the best of my knowledge. Why then had i clicked each moment of my past ? I just realized what i always used to do was for today. Getting back to this platform to write again had never crossed my mind. I had always believed that I would resume writing only after I get back to Kolkata. Oh!! Did I say Kolkata and did you read the same?Of course yes!
Again and again my last few posts have always spoken of Kolkata, rather I would prefer to say Calcutta. Thus, many people have come up and asked me why Calcutta even when I am not originally from this place and I even don't have my home there and I have never lived there for more than even half of a year!! This really makes me think twice to answer them. Not because I don't want to but because I seriously don't know that Big 'WHY'. Poeple say I am crazy and I accept it for there is nothing wrong. Yes I am mad for this place and rather I should say obsessed with this place. But some how I too understand I have no specfic reason for all this obsession. But again, now I have realised the reason why I always want to get back to this place keeping everything at stake of my life.
Its the place itself, the people, the dhakki, the idols, the pujo, the rickshaw, the bright yellow taxis, the broken canals, the muddy roads of the rain( those who don't know me in and out would definitely be amazed to know how much I hate muddy roads with water logging of even the slightest kind), of course the water logged Kolkata rain, the food, the people again and lastly the first experience of this place which remains ever lasting due to some amazing 6 days in Oct 2006. Its a different story altogether. This post could have become the continuation of the saga of tales that I had in my blog in my early writing days. I had initially thought of this idea to complete the task left undone in 2006. But for the people who have never gone through the earlier posts would never relate to the events or even to the characters mentioned in the previous posts. So i prefer to keep that personal for some other occasion.
Getting back to what I intended to share, I would throw a bit of light on my whole perception of Kolkata.
Way back in July,2006 we were placed in our campus and were having the best times of our college days. Thanks to a gang of like minded monsters who knew how to screw it after the hard work that was put in to get placed in for the future career. All was set for the big stage to host the biggest journey called life-after-college. The motto of life prior to that event to take place was to ENJOY! Future for me was quite expected. Life had to begin at Kolkata in either CTS or TechM in July,2007(that was a big question mark for me until i realised I joined TechM finally :D). So as to achieve our motto and of course the intention to see the place which would in future be a hell for me took me to Calcutta. Courtesy one of my friends who invited three of us to visit Kolkata during Puja in October. For those who don't know what Puja is let me inform you that Puja is actually Pujo, the biggest festival celebrated in Kolkata for the victory of good over evil by Maa Durga. Without much of planning we reached Kolkata. Unexpectedly the trip was awesome and I got to see the best of Kolkata. And to tell you the truth, my friend's hospitality reflected in the whole of Kolkata. Pandal hopping, shopping, night outs and visits to the best of the best places in kolkata made me familiar to the city of Joy. Unexpectedly, I got a great picture of Kolkata which I would have never got had I directly visited Kolkata for joining. The trip ended along with the end of my prior perception of Kolkata being very unruly and hell of a place.
Came July,2007. Final destination Kolkata! Or should I again correct myself by saying Calcutta. Why do I always correct myself for this ? Well, for me Calcutta was the experience of my college time visit. And Kolkata was my joining location! But before joining, there had been another visit to Kolkata as well which ended up being another hell of an experience. I mean these visits always became one of the best parts of my life. Having had two great experiences with Calcutta, I always expected Kolkata(the place of joining location) to turn out to be Calcutta( the place of Lovely memories of the past). But, as always, we rarely come upto our own expectation level. Leave apart expecting a place to come upto its level. Started off with big blows and real bad time. But as my sub concious mind was already prepared for it since I had a wrong perception of this place. So, it didn't take me long to accept and I along with my roommates could come over it. Then i realised life can always throw an exception. But during this hard time at Kolkata, I suddenly felt the conversion of Kolkata to Calcutta for me. Just because I could see and learn a lot about life which also became the best part of my life as a memory. We had started staying in the same 1BHK flat where we had stayed for the visit to Calcutta in 2006. Things changed for me thereafter.
By the time I left Calcutta, it had already become just like heaven for me. Though I never got a chance to stay during Puja in 2007 or visit the places or the people who had become a strong part of my memory during my first visit in 2006, but they always remain to be at the safest part of my memory lane. Getting back to Kolkata never meant getting back to a place. For me its always getting back to Calcutta feeling, just like heaven. No doubt, I created some fabulous memories during my stay in 2007 as well. That also became another reason for me to speak of Calcutta. Never ever did I think in my wildest dreams that Kolkata would become one of my biggest obsessions in life. Its just that I don't want to feel guilty about my biggest regret of my life. I just don't want to live with the biggest regret of my life forever.
I want to get back, to rewrite some more pages, undo few mistakes and come off the regret.
Can I ever go Back Oh Calcutta!!

Some Diary Pages - A fiction from Internet

2008-05-07T03:58:00.000+05:30

SOME DIARY PAGES – 1

Date: 15-Jan
HE:
I wait everyday till 8.00 in the office even if there is no work. All of my teammates ask me why; how can I tell them that I don’t wait for any personal or official work but the only reason why I wait is the ‘secretary’- a girl in my 8.00 p.m. Chinchwad bus. ‘Secretary’ is not her real name, it’s sort of a code name given to her by me and my friends. Truly speaking, I like her. She might not be one of those who look like Aishwarya Rai or Preitty Zinta, but she is cute and simple and that’s the reason I like her. For past 6 months I have been staring at her in the bus, while going to office and coming back from the office. When I get into bus, somehow my eyes search the whole bus just to have her glimpse.
I never had a girlfriend till now, not that I don’t like to have friendship with girls but somehow they usually prefer tall-dark-handsome qualities in their boyfriends, out of which I possess none. I don’t want to jump to any relationship like this with the secretary but at least just a friendship, is it possible?
I want to talk to her. I want to have friendship with her. I know her name, for I had seen her ID card one day. But I don’t have the guts to talk to her. I even don’t know whether she knows me even by face. I know, no one can help me here; no-one other than myself, but I simply have no guts. At least someone probably a common friend, might at least formally introduce us to each other.
SHE:
There is one guy in my office bus. His name is Shriram. I think he likes me, for me and even my friends have observed him many times staring at myself. Even when he gets into the bus, rather than searching for an empty seat, his eyes search the whole bus for me. Don’t know why but I kind of like it. Sometimes the feeling of knowing that someone loves you is far better than actually loving somebody. I didn’t have any affair till today, not that I didn’t like or love anyone, there was a guy in my college, whom I liked a lot but somehow he stayed away from me, not that he didn’t like me but probably because I am not that beautiful and he wanted someone much more better than me.
This guy, Shri, that’s what his friends call him, I had heard it once in the bus; he seems to be interested in me, not sure about love as such but friendship might not be bad. At least the guy seems to be decent one. I would like to be his friend, but how can I go forward? Afterall he is the boy, he should come one step ahead …not me.
SOME DIARY PAGES – 2
Date: 16-Jan
HE:
My roommate told me to approach her and get introduced to her all by myself. It’s not that easy; this is not a college, what if she complains about this to higher authorities? No, I can’t take this risk. Someone else better introduce her to me. God, can you help me please?
SHE:
My cousin told me to show some sign to him that I am ok in having friendship with him. I think he is afraid to come forward. I’ll give him a good friendly smile tomorrow, when he gets into the bus. I hope he understands and decrypts my signal. God, can you please help him?
GOD:
Now should I come into this picture? Both of these human beings are acting as if they are in a big problem. Although not for me, I had made life so simple for you, just added a bit of emotions there and see how complex you have made it. Now that I am the god, you must have been expecting me to intervene and have some miracle, but no; I won’t interfere here. I have created this world with some fixed rules and everything is just working as per that. Why should I just interfere and break my own rules thereby disrupting the balance of this whole system?
SOME DIARY PAGES – 3
Date: 17-Jan
HE:
Today when I got into the bus and looked at her, she returned back a cute smile. Was she serious? I don’t know; probably she must have told her friends about me and they must have been making fun of me and that’s why when I got into the bus she started laughing and I misunderstood it for smiling. Such a fool of me. Damn, her friends must be having fun discussing things about me.
SHE:
Today when he got into the bus, I smiled at him. But he seemed to be more puzzled than pleased. Is he really interested in having friendship with me or not? I really don’t know. Why am I thinking so much about him? Have I started liking him? Or is it just like you just get used to some things as a habit, and then you unknowingly start liking them? I think it’s the latter case here. Please god please let that guy be a descent one. My sixth sense says he is a descent guy. I think he must have got puzzled because of the smile I gave him. It wasn’t my fault, for I showed him that I am interested in friendship. Now the ball lies in his court. Will he dare first to talk?
Date: 18-Jan
HE:
I am damn confused. I don’t know what to do. Every day everyone around me is bombarding me with some tactics to approach her but nothing seems to suit me well. My roommates even started taunting me that I can’t have a girlfriend or at least the guts to approach the gal. I am leaving it now on luck. I will just continue whatever is going on; let the luck take us wherever and however intended.
SOME DIARY PAGES – 4
Date: 25-Jan
HE:
Nothing unusual or special happened in the last few days. However, today I thought something interesting might happen. The bus was about to start the back-home journey today when she and one of her friends got into the bus. They were searching for a place to sit. I was alone on a seat of three. I was thrilled that she would sit on the same seat beside me. But she just came, momentarily paused at the seat, turned to her friend and just went past; to sit on the last seat. I couldn’t see the expressions on her face clearly but what I saw was a face filled up with hate or some similar feeling that clearly showed expression such as whatever might happen, I am not going to sit beside this *****. It was really heartbreaking. It was the biggest insult I had suffered till now. Am I so hopeless?
Date: 26-Jan
HE:
Today, there was public holiday so I got lot of time to think and analyze the situation. What was my fault? I haven’t done anything wrong. I didn’t ever talk to her, I never tried to flirt, I never gossiped about her except for my close friends. I am even sure that none of my co-travelers in the bus know that I like her. Whenever I stare at her I take necessary precaution as not to be too obvious. I don’t want to embarrass her in any way. When I am trying my best for this, then why did she have such cruel expressions on the face?
I think either she knows now that I like her and stare at her and she doesn’t want to encourage me or simply, she just hates me for no reason, just like many of my classmates who hate me for no reason.
I don’t know what to do now, but either ways I think she just doesn’t want me to be anywhere around her. She just hates me, just one more failure. Does it hurt? Yes it does, but I am very much used to it. I’ll try my best not to look at her. I don’t want to do anything that she doesn’t like. I will try to forget her as if she was just one more dream in my life which simply didn’t come true. Probably, I don’t deserve to be with her. This is fate after all. I will have to obey it.
Date: 26-Jan
SHE:
Today was a holiday. So I couldn’t see him, although I wanted to. I actually wanted to apologize for whatever happened yesterday. I got into the bus and searched for the seat. He was sitting alone on the seat for 3, it was a good chance for me to sit with him and have a word or two. I was just thrilled. I was about to sit on the same seat when Kruti said something. I didn’t hear it properly so I turned to her. She said,”See, Aravind is there, he has reserved seats for us.” I just hate that Aravind, he is always ready to flirt provided the other person is a girl. Whenever I see him, somehow I try my best to be as away from him as I can, I even show hatred to him directly on my face but this guy simply ignores this. I don’t know why Kruti likes him so much.
So the point is I went to the seat that Aravind had reserved specially for us. I felt really bad for Shri, but if I would have denied Aravind’s offer and would have sat on Shri’s seat; it would have just been too obvious. He must have felt embarrassed. Poor guy.
SOME DIARY PAGES – 5
Date: 27-Jan
SHE:
Today he seemed to have lost in thoughts. When he got into the bus, surprisingly he didn’t search for me. He even didn’t look up. He just went straight to the last seat and started reading a novel. I tried looking at him once or twice but he didn’t lift his head at all. I think he is hurt, I am feeling sorry, but what can I do? When we got down at the office gate, I purposefully lingered a bit more at the gates to give back him a smile, but I couldn’t spot him in the crowd. Shri, I am sorry, please be normal again.
Date: 27-Feb
HE:
I was working in the night shift for the whole month so had to travel by cab rather than bus. I used to work from 4.00 p.m. to 2.30 a.m. so naturally I had lost contact with almost all people working in dayshift except for my teammates who would surrender the charge to me while leaving for the day. For the whole month I didn’t travel by bus. Obviously didn’t see her. She works in the adjacent building only, but I don’t know where her cubicle is located exactly and anyways even if I would be knowing that, I don’t think I have that much guts to approach her.
For almost a month I didn’t see her, but I didn’t feel any desperation to see her. I was unbelievably aloof in this case. Was it the effect of that evening incidence?
SOME DIARY PAGES – 6
Date: 28-Feb
HE:
Today, the office had planned to screen a movie in the campus. I had seen it but thought of enjoying it with friends in the open air. I took the permission for an hour from my boss and went for that. The dialogues were not much audible on the lawns, but it was fun to watch the movie in an open air theatre like that. I was to leave the place to return to my cubicle and turned around when I saw her standing there just around 10 feet away from me.
I don’t know why but my heart started speeding a lot higher than even Schumi’s Ferrari. She just smiled at someone in the crowd at my back, tried her best not to look directly to me and just left the place. I stood there for a minute or two just wondering what had happened.
Why did she smile? Did she feel good that I am still in the same company only or she didn’t even take notice of my presence and really smiled at someone in the crowd at my back? But we were so close that it was practically impossible for her to just ignore me.
SHE:
I saw him today, at the movie screening. Thank god he is still working with this company only. I thought of smiling at him and greeting him. I was so happy to see him, I wanted to ask him where he was for so many days, whether he was not well, had he changed his house or was he using bike for the transport, but again I didn’t ask a single question. I stayed calm. I didn’t want to embarrass him again.
I don’t know what I feel about him, but somehow whenever I see him, I do feel better. I hope he starts traveling by bus again. Every day we can see each other in the morning and wish each other a very good morning without any words or smile but just with a plain look
SOME DIARY PAGES – 7
Date: 5-march
HE:
I resumed my normal duty today. It was good to see all those familiar faces once again after so many days. Of course my eyes were searching only one face out of that but still.
Just like my normal schedule, I got into the bus. She was sitting there with the same plain look on her face, nowhere even a single line of recognition, but when she saw me, her face reflected a small smile. It couldn’t escape my notice. Was she happy to see me back in the bus? I don’t know about her, but I was definitely happy to see her.
SHE:
I was so happy, I tried my best to conceal my happiness but I felt like getting up from my seat and just sit beside him and talk, talk and just talk to him. Hey what’s this? What’s happening to me? I never felt like this for anyone. Is this just sympathy for that evening thing or is this love? No chance of it. I don’t believe in this love at first sight or so. We don’t know each other, we don’t know anything about each other, and how can this be love? Probably just infatuation… whatever it may be… I love this feeling very much
SOME DIARY PAGES – 8
DATE: 7-March
HE:
Today can be called as the luckiest day of my life. I talked to her face to face for the first time. Rajesh, my friend had some work in Nigdi today and was traveling by our bus and surprisingly he knew her well. They were college mates during the degree. He introduced us formally. I was so happy, that I just forgot that sometime back she just avoided sitting beside me. Everything in my brain, all my nervousness, and hatred for her as well as for my loser …all was just washed up.
Now I can talk to her, I hope I can turn this chance to success. Oh god thanks a lot… Rajesh was just like an angel sent by you.
SHE:
Thanks a lottt god…. I am so happy. Even he was. I could easily make that out from his face. It was just so bright. He still has feelings for me. Thank god, I thought after that day I kinda lost him, but no. Now we can talk to each other officially. No problem of who is first … we are friends now. God you are great.
Rajesh:
Today I had some work in Nigdi so had to travel by office bus. I thought better to go with Shri just for the sake of good company but it didn’t seem to be necessary when I saw my best friend from our degree college traveling by the same bus. It was a really pleasant surprise to see her after a couple of years or so. I think my transfer to Pune will result in some good thing. She has become more beautiful than she was in our college days. Damn.. Why the hell did I neglect her in college when she had crush on me… I hope she is still single, not even committed or so. I would like simple girl like to get settled in life. Now I am well settled in job, should go forward with love matter also.
When I introduced Shri to her today, somehow her face lit up as if she was eager to have a word or two with him since many days. Shri’s condition was no different. Do they have something between them? I hope there is nothing of such sort. Oh God, thanks a lot that you made me meet her, I hope you help me once again to make her mine. Please just keep Shri out of this.
GOD:
If you get only happiness then you don’t feel its value, do you? That’s why everything is planned in such a way that whenever you get happy you should understand its true value. I haven’t done anything special here. It’s all just happening as predefined.

SOME DIARY PAGES – 9
Date: 10-March
HE:
Since Rajesh has introduced us to each other, the days have been very good for us. I mean I didn’t talk to her or so, but at least we exchange smile regularly. Let’s see whether I can sit beside her sometime and have a word or two.
Date:12-March
HE:
I sat beside her today in the bus while returning from office. We were chatting a lot, on no specific topics as such, but I really enjoyed her company. She is really a cute, simple and sweet girl. She said she will be reserving a seat for me in the morning bus. Let’s see whether she really keeps her promise…
Date:16-March
HE:
Since last few days, she had been reserving a seat for me in the morning as well as in the evening bus. We both seem to enjoy each other’s company very well. I decided to take a step forward today. I asked her for a cup of coffee in the afternoon. I was a bit depressed about what she might reply but surprisingly, she said yes without thinking even for a moment as if she was actually waiting for such a move from my side. We decided to meet at 4 near the café inside the campus.
She didn’t turn up. I don’t have her cell number so I even couldn’t call her and ask why she did so. It was so embarrassing for me to wait there just alone. Did she do it purposefully? Why? I could make out no sensible reason.
If she would be having a meeting or some office work, she should have informed me. She didn’t call me. My extension or even cell number was available with the telephone directory. Did she do it for the only reason that she wanted to show that she doesn’t care for me and prove her importance?
SHE:
Today that happened real disaster. The servers were down and I was so busy in recovering them, debugging the code that I almost forgot I had my first ‘date’ with Shri. I suddenly remembered it just before going to a meeting at 2 and I was sure that I can easily finish off with the meeting by 4 and meet Shri, but no. The destiny had some other plans. I had to be in meeting till 5. I even couldn’t phone Shri and inform him that I am not coming. By the time I was free from that chaos, it was already 6. He must have left for the day. He was going to Mumbai today, so he must have left early.
What can I do? I wanted to meet him and apologize face to face. Mail or phone won’t do. I hope we meet on Monday. I’ll explain him everything. He is a nice guy. He will understand me properly. I am hoping so, obviously I don’t have any other option at least till Monday.
SOME DIARY PAGES – 10
Date:19-March
HE:
I left for the day early today at 6. I had traveled from Mumbai in the morning and so needed rest or was it just to avoid her since she travels by 8 o’clock bus? I don’t know the reason but I felt like just avoiding her.
SHE:
Where is he? He must have come from Mumbai in the morning and joined directly, that’s why he wasn’t in the morning bus, but why not in the usual evening bus at 8? Probably he was tired. Let’s hope he meets me tomorrow morning. He will listen to me and this time I will invite him for a coffee or so.
Date: 21-March
HE:
Yesterday, she explained me the whole thing. How stupid of me? I was thinking really absurd things about her. She is such a cute girl; it was not her mistake that she had to attend the meeting. I was kind of ok when she gave me the explanation. The conversation after that just went normal as it used to be earlier. Whatever that might be but I am not going to ask her out anymore.
Date: 22-March
HE:
What the hell… what does she think of herself? Today she invited me for a coffee at 4. I went there on time. I didn’t want to miss it but again she didn’t turn up. Why? Is she just stressing how important she is and how unimportant I am for her? I felt like calling her there only and just ask the reason why is she playing games with me like this. I decided to ask this for full and final what the matter was, but she didn’t turn up even for 8 o’clock bus.
Date:27-March
HE:
I couldn’t see her for last 5 days. Did she come to office? Isn’t she feeling well? I hope she is alright. Oh God, please protect her.
Date: 10-April
Rajesh:
Her father was seriously ill. As a family friend, I helped a lot. She couldn’t go to office for a fortnight or so, but I helped her in conveying the matter to her seniors. I think this last week helped me a lot as in building a rapport with her and her parents. Fate has given me a good chance to get closer to her, I think I can progress here.
Date:25-April
SHE:
Today I met Shri finally after so many days. I thought he might be still angry about the coffee thing, but to my surprise, he was a bit tensed as to why I was not coming to the office. I explained him that daddy was seriously ill. He enquired about dad’s health and then simply changed the subject to turn my attention to somewhere else. He was just trying to take me out of the tension about dad’s health. He is such a mature guy, I knew he would understand.
Date: 20-May
SHE:
Shri and I have been going out for a long time now. I have started loving him. I think even he is serious about this relationship but he is younger than me and I don’t think he is ready for any commitment at this stage of his life, but mumma and dad are pursuing me for marriage; what should I do? Should I ask him?
Date: 22-May
SHE:
Shri told me today that he is leaving the company. He has got an admission to MBA in a College in Mumbai. It’s really difficult to be away from him at least for 2 years. Should I ask him for a relationship? Will he be ready for that or he just wants to wait till the completion of his MBA? But I can’t wait that much. I think I’ll better ask him straight about the commitment let’s see what he says.
Date: 23-May
Rajesh:
Today I proposed to her. She didn’t show any expressions as such on face and asked for some time to think about it, but I know she must have be just too happy for she had crush on me in our college life. I think she will say ‘yes’. Just that I need to confirm, that Shri doesn’t come in between. Everything should go smooth otherwise. Even her and my parents would not have any problem in fact they would be happy if she and I get into the most beautiful relationship.
HE:
Today she called me up and asked to meet for a coffee at our usual place, but later suddenly she called up to cancel the meeting. I don’t know why. She sounded stressed a bit on phone so I concluded it to be the result of work pressure. But when I saw her in the evening in the bus today, she was in a bit off-mood. I don’t know why. She then just held my hand. I think she wanted to say something but she was not able to. I couldn’t even understand what she wanted to say but I kept mum. When my stop came nearer, she released my hand. I asked her whether she was alright. She didn’t reply anything else than ‘yes, just fine’.
I tried calling her in the night after dinner, but she didn’t pick up. I think she must be stressed because of the work and must have slept early. I hope nothing is wrong. Oh god, please take care of her.
SHE:
Today was the most dreadful day for me. Rajesh proposed to me. My mood was off. I loved him in college but he didn’t seem to pay any attention to me. At times he literally avoided me. Later somehow I just managed to overcome that feeling. I loved him, but he didn’t. There are no conditions in love after all. I tried my best to forget feelings about him, at least suppress them. He never seemed to like me. Then why now? Has his feelings really changed? Or he is just playing games with me?
I was going to propose Shri today. It would have been the most crucial moment of my life and this guy, Rajesh just turned off my mood. I was literally shocked to hear from him. Not that I don’t like him but now that a couple of years have passed when we had no contact and even Shri is there in my life. Much water has flown down the bridge. I don’t know whether I still love him, and I also don’t know whether Shri is ready to have a commitment as such with me. I am just confused. Oh god, please help me. Show me some way. Why didn’t you device any automatic system to solve such problems?
GOD:
Automatic system? Wow!!! All these software engineers think alike. They think just the computerization of every system solves most of the related problems. But real life is not so simple. The real life is much more complex thing to handle. In arithmetic you have 1+1 =2; but in real life you may have 1+1 as anything but 2. That’s life.
About the automatic system to solve the real life problems, I have given you humans one such machine. Some call it heart, some mind or some just brain. I gave you the ability to think. You can take decisions based on your prior experience, your conscience and you can very easily use it to make decisions and I am sure even she will find out a way in this ambivalence because even if she does not trust my creations, I do.
Date: 24-May
SHE:
Yesterday after so many days I cried. I cried a lot. I was completely lost in dilemma. I was not able to think properly. What should I do? I loved Rajesh a couple of years ago but he didn’t, at that time. Now he loves me but I love Shri. Rajesh wants to settle down in life and he wants me to be with him. Shri has not planned something of that sort, he is just going to complete his MBA first and then will think of getting settled. Rajesh, he is of my age, very much mature; whereas Shri is younger, a bit of immature but that suits his age. Rajesh, my family knows him very well and will be ready perhaps eager to include him in as my husband; whereas Shri, I haven’t told anything about him to mom or dad yet.
But I love Shri a lot, probably more than I used to love Rajesh in college days. How should I make a decision? Based on feeling for love or based on my future, the practical aspects for my life? Where should I go? Oh god, please help me. I need you immensely. Please please, help me make the decision.
Date: 30-May
HE:
Last few days just flew past like a stormy wind. All those processes I had to undergo in order to leave the company, just because I wanted to pursue better career in MBA rather than staying here and stagnating. A few more days and I am off to achieve my dreams.
Just the problem is, I don’t want to leave her, my love, my secretary. I really love her. Since when my infatuation turned into love was unknown even to me. I don’t want to leave her but I can’t even stay here. Even I am doing MBA in Mumbai not even here in Pune. Will she wait for me for at least 2-3 years which I will need to complete MBA and get settled?
I have said goodbye to everyone, it was not that difficult; but it’s definitely not the same with her. I don’t know whether I will be able to say her goodbye and how I am going to do that.
SHE:
I have made my decision. I don’t know how to convey it but I will have to do it. One of the two hearts is going to get broken but there is no any other way. I have made my decision and I’ll stick to it. Oh god, please give me strength to convey the decision and then bear everything that follows...
Date: 19-June
SHE:
Today was Shri’s birthday and also his last day in Pune as well as in this company. He left in the evening for Mumbai. It was really a heartbreaking moment to see him parting, especially when both of us were completely aware that we might not see each other in future. I had made the decision; the only problem was how to convey it to him. I chose to be practical than just blind in love. People give you cool gifts on your birthday but what I gave him was just a shock, a damn big shock. He didn’t say anything except for ‘congrats’ and ‘good luck’ but his face told me everything he wanted to convey. I cried there standing in the whole crowd of his friends who had gathered to wish him luck and goodbye. He couldn’t cry out but if possible, he could just have wept then and there.
I said him sorry that I chose Rajesh over him. What he replied was surprising. He just replied, ‘No need to say sorry. It’s your life, you have complete right to make a decision and you are mature enough to do so and you have made a wise decision. We were friends and will be, but please don’t expect me to keep a contact with you. I loved you and I really loved you from the bottom of my heart. Now whenever I will think of you I will not have anything else than love in my mind and I think same might be the case with you; and that won’t be right especially when u will be a married woman; married to someone else. So this is our last meet. Thanks for the friendship and the feeling of love that you gave me. Best luck for your future life.’ And he just went inside the bus.
Was he so aloof or he just tried to sound so as not to make me feel worse about our parting? I think for all those days that I spent with Shri, I still couldn’t understand him properly. Anyways Shri, what the truth is that I loved you. I loved you like anything but the decision I made was based on practical aspects of life. My decision will prove to be better for both of us and I am damn sure of it. I had started writing diary since when I had seen you for the first time, now since you are not there in my life, I am going to discontinue this practice. This is the last page of my diary. Best luck Shri, for your future. Love you. Bbye.
HE:
This was the worst birthday of my life when I broke up with my love. It can’t be termed as a breakup as such but we parted; we parted forever with a promise not to cross the other’s life anytime in future. I felt like crying; but boys don’t cry, do they? Yes they cry, but secretly….and that’s why I am crying now. The whole page is wet because of my tears. Anyways this is the last page. I have decided not to write this diary anymore. This diary had come into my life with secretary, and since secretary is no more with me, what’s the purpose of this diary? Secretary, just wanted to say best luck for your future. I Love you. Bye.
SOME DIARY PAGES – 14... Concluding Part
Rajesh:
Finally, today is that lucky day for me. She said yes. I am so happy. She is mine. Finally my dream has come true. Oh God thanks a lot. You have made my day, in fact my life. Very few people get to live with someone they love; I am one of those lucky ones. My happiness has no bounds. I am very very happy today.
Shri left the company today, I don’t know whether we will be able to meet each other in future. I had gone to say good bye and wish good luck to him. He was talking to her. When I saw her face, I again felt some pain in my heart. Are they both having something? If so, why did she say Yes to me? Are they trying to cover-up something? Or is she playing games with me? Or am I coming as an odd between the two? I could see tears in Shri’s eyes when he left her and got into the bus. Her condition was no different, in fact she literally cried. She seemed to recover after a couple of minutes but the way she was looking somewhere into the vacuum, her face clearly was clearly telling her diligent attempts to control tears. Oh god, please show me the way. I hope I didn’t do anything wrong by proposing her.
The way they both were talking to each other didn’t show any sign of quarrel or fight between them. Then why they separated? Or they shared some feeling for each other and none of them just bothered to express it? Whatever the situation might be, she has said ‘yes’ to me; must be for some reason, whatever ; she is mine now. Shri is her past and she will forget him; in fact she will have to. Whatever the case may be, I love her and that’s it.
GOD:
Okay. Here is the end of this story, not a unique; in fact a very very common one. You might be expecting me to interfere in it at the eleventh hour and change the ending so that either; before the bus starts, She runs to the bus and gets into it and goes with Shri to Mumbai or probably when the bus is about to leave, Shri jumps out and hugs her or Rajesh feels something wrong and just takes her on bike and follows the bus just to stop it and make her get into the bus for Shri and so on? Nopes. This is not a Tamil film. This is a real life story and not a reel life one.
She took the decision wisely after evaluating each option she had. She had thought practically in every aspect. Won’t interference by me be just injustice to her thoughts? Won’t it be a betrayal to her trust that the option she chose is the best one? Won’t it be just a wrong deed on my side and that too just to please some others without any particularly sensible reason?
As I said, I have made this world with some predefined rules. The balance of this world totally depends on the events that are happening every now and then. No event is of more or less important than the other. Every moment, situation, event has some sort of purpose and so stands of equal importance. The purpose might not be directly related to you but it can also affect you indirectly. As said before, I had already decided not to intervene and I stuck to my word. Now you will say that it’s me only who decides everything ultimately. Yes. Indeed true but that’s what my point is. I decided her fate to be with Rajesh, that’s it. I hope you understand; in fact I am sure you will … again that’s what your fate says….

How am I feeling today ?

2008-05-02T02:17:00.001+05:30

Probably the last winter was the longest of all of them that i have witnessed in my whole life time. Generally winters have always been shorter for me because from childhood its been a tradition to prepare for exams during the winter. And during exams even long winters appeared to be too short just because we didnt have enough time to prepare for the exams. But this time it was something different. The winter had no such urgency to pass by. No exam fevers and no urgency. No deadlines and no work. Life had come to a stand still with loads of uncertainity with it.

For me getting back to blogging was a dream. its after this long winter hibernation that I am back to write down with blank mind. Its after those beautiful days at Kolkata that I am eagerly willing to write down with all my feelings on the blogspot platform. Whatever posts have come recently, have always come with a preoccupied thought or an intention to write on a particular thought.

Anyways lets start it now.

Lot of water has gone under the bridge in these few months. Transition from Kolkata life to Pune life was the most toughest job on my part. Somehow I am still in the process of trasition and would probably fail to completely do so. Efforts have always gone to take a release right from the beginning. But it has not yet materialised. Recently rays of hope appeared like a mirage and supposedly I am still under the same mirage effect expecting a release. Waiting for it desparately to fly back like a free bird. Feels like a lost bird searching for his homeland. It would definitely be a battle won when I get the release.

But somehow at work I have learnt a lot of things. Not technical stuff (though I can't deny that also) but the primary thing that I learnt here at work is Professionalism in IT Industry. The things that I learnt are -

1. How to write a short mail or even make it shortest.

2. Whom to mail and when.

3. How to play with To and Cc option.(Most important thing to have learnt that every professional must know how to handle and i suppose i have mastered this skill)

4. Never to use Bcc in office.

5. How to take con calls

6. What to speak and what not to speak on a call (though i am still in a learning phase for this case)

7. How to sip coffee during con calls.

8. How to handle issues. (not technical ones though)

9. How to keep smiling all the time and keep the anger under control.

10. How to reply to personal mails and keep chatting through mails even when u r dead busy.

11. Skill to use reply to all option in personal mails also.

12. How to bunk office as well.(greatest skill set aquired while on bench)

Look there are a dozen of things that i have learnt. Wanna learn what professional life is and how to handle it come to Pune. City of professionalism.

Spending the whole day inside my room and skipping prepared hot lunch may sound too strange. But yes, I didnt feel like. Reason not very sure. Well it was for the first time at Pune that I was there at home during the afternoon time on a holiday. At Kolkata we generally took not-so-deliciously-prepared-lunch-of-masi together on holidays at home. But today I wanted to be a share holder of that lunch once again. The worst part is when i start comparing everything with kolkata and then i am the worst. Not realising life can never be the same again.

Suffering from fever and mild cold, I preferred to stay indoor and take rest. Though I had no plans to do what I did the whole day, but definitely it helped me a lot. Did quite a lot of orkutting, logged into Yahoo Messenger and Gmail at a time and that too had a few chats. The feeling of getting back to old netting days came and went before I could restore it for long. Bit of self introspection and reliving the past memories. Albums, slambooks and few old songs that used to play every now and then on my media player were all removed out of dust. Giving life to few of relationships which also had gone into hibernation. Talks with Partha, Jyoti and Nammo for the time being could make me feel at home. Those college going guy's feeling and of course the unprofessional talks made the day.

Henceforth will try to keep track of few of the things -

1. Revive contacts with few lost friends like Himanshu, Pallavi and Swati being the first on the list.

2. Getting back to net life.( not the intranet life at office though)

3. Revive my own blogging spirit.

4. Keep up with my passion with radio which I had developed at Kolkata...luckily 92.7 here at Pune is now available and also up to the mark with respect to the other useless stations.

At the end of it all, feeling like a small balloon try to rise against the heavy load of the work pressure. Being connected with the passion and life that has always been a part of you is something very satisfying and heart warming.

Expecting the coming month to be a exciting one for quite a few reasons. Firstly Manish would be shifting to my flat for a month. Definitely that would be fun and may be my desire to go back to Kolkata would keep making me more desparate and broken with each effort going into waters while expecting a release. Secondly, the Malaysia trip for which I had been working hard since October which has finally materialized. A week of excitement and learning as well. Hoping to see some expectations getting fulfilled in that sense as well.

Few expectations which have never materialized till now would definitely keep haunting me though. Expectations from people without whom my life seems to be incomplete. There are few who are part of life and there are few without whom life can never be complete. Struggling to identify them and when it comes to expectations, I would prefer taking another day to come on that. May be I would be back tomorrow itself in my urge to being connected to my passion of writing.

My World Hasn't Changed

2008-05-02T02:13:00.000+05:30

05:48 AM, 15th March
Kolkata, the city of Joy has been among the places, which has given me a lot in a big way. Getting back to Kolkata had always been my dream. So, the excitement was always there when I boarded the flight to Kolkata. All was set and months long wait was over. Finally, I was going to Kolkata. Many things were brushing through my mind and the memories kept flashing by. I was going to the place, more importantly going to meet the people who have been my in very short span of time.

06:05 AM
The captain’s final call for the departure and the flight takes off as if it was on a mission to make my trip a successful one. I preferred to close my eyes and get to my own plans for the trip.

09:45 AM
I opened my eyes and found that I had been in my dreams until I got the captain speaking to the passengers. “Indigo welcomes you to Subhash Chandra Bose International Airport, Kolkata. The outside temperature is 27 degree Celcius and humidity is 48%. Indigo wishes you a pleasant stay. Thank you for being with Indigo.”

These words made my heart pounding and I could feel the blood flowing in my veins.

09:50 AM
Finally, I touched Kolkata. It was a breath taking moment for me. Finally my dream had come true and all my hardship to come to Kolkata had paid.

10:45 AM
Eagerly observing everything from the window of the shuttle, I could feel the soothing air and freshness of the morning. We were cruising into Salt Lake.
By now, past was in front of me. I could see myself walking along the Techno India Building with my friends. The day we had our induction, the days when we used to come down to the road side stalls to take our lunch and the evenings when we used to walk back to Karunamoyee together after the hectic training hours. I relived those small and beautiful moments once again. As I passed by the road, I saw some change. The road divider, which had some wild twigs and grass, has now been made greener. The artificial human activity has destroyed the natural beauty. Few small statues and models have been placed with well trimmed side bushes and lawns. This was a change which I could feel in the place. As we moved further towards city center, another change caught my eyes. The roads had got better. There were no more, the after rain pits and cracks. It was all well maintained and these changes brought a fear run down my spine. “Has the world changed within these few months?”
Exactly two weeks and so much has changed. I wished everything else was the same. Reached city center and found yet another change, the near by shop we used to visit daily for regular fags had come up well. By now I was walking towards our small world. Now there it goes!!
Yet another change!
A Tea Junction stall at the city center entrance!
That really struck me hard. Was it normal to find such changes or the world has changed for me. The side lane had been made concrete which used to be a broken brick laid path. The brand new banner of Nimas and the huge HSBC bank that has come up in these two weeks seemed to be a kind of indication. I started feeling restless to see so much of change. Though these weren’t big changes for others but for me it seemed to be like an alarm indicating that my world has also changed. That fear didn’t stop me from walking towards my flat. Though I don’t stay there any more and literally does not belong to me but it would be my flat forever.
But now I could see the nearby house still under construction even after two weeks. The Santro of our landlady standing in front of the huge gate. The gate was half open as always. Everything was calm and silent which used to be a regular case. Slowly I felt better and found everything to be same. As I entered the living room I could see the smiling familiar faces of Chetan and Vinay. The smiles were all there. My happiness had no limits and touched the sky. Now I was more comfortable and fear had disappeared. Everything was like before. The untidy bed of Chetan, the scattered articles on the table, the well prepared covered food and everything else was all the same. Nothing had changed.
But what about my relationships ?

Will they be the same as before? I was not sure of anything when I walked to the 5th floor. I was afraid to notice any further changes. But this time I was stronger enough to neutralize my thoughts. But expectations were there to make me twice. Walking along the steps and finally through the cubicles to move ahead to the “Adda Cubicle” was the best part. Never expected that the surprise would prove to be such a big hit. Every face had a surprised look and most importantly the happiness which was more of excitement could be felt from everyone’s action. It was one of the best moments which I wish I could capture like a Kodak Moment. Glad enough that I got more than the expectation.
My relationships were the same.
As the day progressed and I met everyone my faith strengthened and now at the end of the trip, I am all smiles and satisfied carrying back new memories, new moments to cherish for the future. Now I, strongly believe that may be world has changed but My World is never going to change come whatever.
12:01 AM, 17th March’08

Take Care

2008-04-20T15:15:00.000+05:30

He kept on looking at the steps, down to ground floor through the 2nd which she took to get out of sight of him; wondered she would turn back and look at him as in movies. But it wasn’t any movie and there was no background music playing behind all this. She had left.

He realized this as one of his friends patted him on the back to find him with drooping eyes and heavy heart. It was quite very natural though. There were people who hugged him, patted him and wished him good luck for the future.

But these all couldn’t bring him back from the thoughts of her wet eyes, the way she tried to hold them back trying not to be quite obvious. Clearing her throat she had said “All the best Apurv, Apna khayal rakhna, Take Care, Bye” “You too take care and miss you and miss your…” he had stopped.

“Miss You!! She would not have gone far away as she would have to walk up to the next circle to get a cab”.
He could hear these words. He wasn’t sure if it was his inner voice or someone else saying this. That didn’t matter much to him at that moment. He just didn’t want to lose those last few moments. He started being nostalgic. He wanted to take the last glimpses of her to preserve them till the next time when they meet (which was never in the near future).

He moved through the stair case from 3rd to ground floor with just few long jumps. It wasn’t that tough for him to take the stairs this time unlike the other days when he had thought it to be really tough when she had always insisted on preferring the stairs to the lift. As he increased his pace to move faster, he couldn’t stop the first drop of tear which he had held in the eyes since she left. Now, that was the moment when he felt how wrong he was.

The very next day evening he had his flight which would take him to yet another completely new world which he had chosen for himself. Till now, he knew “Change is the only constant”. He believed it and did it. But was puzzled why this single drop made him think that it was the biggest regret of his life? Why is he now having second thoughts regarding his decision to go abroad for his MBA, which he earned for his family and himself? Is he being kiddish and trying to prove to be a true sentimentalist?

These all came rambling faster than the pace of his ever increasing heart beat which had missed innumerable number of times as he got closer to her. He could hear his own heart beat thumping against his chest.

“Did she really mean when she said Take Care?”
“Didn’t she want to say anything more?”
“Won’t she miss me?”
“Take Care of those memories, those words and our friendship. Did she mean all that with those two words?” He was confused and wished to ask her about this.

The distance between both of them had started growing. He had slowed down. He stopped. He could see her walking down the road towards the circle. The circle wasn’t visible to him, but he had walked along with her to that place on the same right side of the road, she on his right. Six months back they both walked in that stormy dark night to catch the uncertain cab. Everything flashed before him like a movie.

He stood there firmly watching her slowly walk away from his life. He knew getting back to her was impractical. They would never be the same again. He couldn’t dare to move his eyes off her. She didn’t turn back as expected. But he wondered “Was she so special to me or am I afraid not to find some second person to fight with.”

He realized by then that he had compromised his life for his career. He knew where he stood and walked turning his back to her knowing that it was too late to change his decision. It was time to wipe off his face and let life play its role. He had just one thing to do – “Take Care”

The Void Within

2007-12-24T15:26:00.000+05:30

Begin the journey towards love, in order to fill your internal void.

Emptiness makes you feel as if you are hollow on the inside. I recently asked a friend, “how are you feeling?” and he replied, “I feel like I am rattling around over the face of the earth.” This response overflows with a feeling of being lost and alone or the ‘empty’ feeling.

It speaks of experiencing yourself as having no sense of belonging or purpose. If you ask yourself the question: “how am I feeling right now?” and the answer is “empty” or “numb,” for no apparent reason, it is a sure sign of being disconnected from yourself or blocking off from your own feelings.

This suggests that you are either repressing deep pain or fear or maybe you have experienced a pattern of being neglected, probably from an early age. I have often facilitated quiet meditations with people to help them to make contact with their deep inner core and often they will say “I feel nothing.”

Neglect or trauma in our past can make us hide away our precious souls that we don’t even know how to begin to connect with our sacred inner selves. Being separate from yourself is the ultimate loneliness. We are neglected as children if our needs and wants are continually not heard and we are left to our own devices.

One of the most important self development processes is deficient in this type of upbringing: that of validation. The journey of understanding, trusting and responding to your feelings, begins when your early caretakers regard and direct your myriad of emotions in a loving way.

This validation process empowers you to makes sense of your unique needs, wants and responses to the world and in this way you begin the journey of knowing who you really are on the inside. As an adult we self validate ourselves by continually confirming who we are through our words, actions and life decisions. We also self validate by finally accepting ourselves with all our shortcomings.

Don’t keep running away from yourself. Problems will arise if you simply focus on filling the void. We devour volumes of self-help books or study psychology. We even take the empty feeling literally, as being hunger and we binge on food, cigarettes, take drugs and generally put whatever we can into our mouths.

Keeping yourself busy is another way to dull the experience of yourself. Unfortunately, at the end of every busy patch there’s always a lull and then ‘empty’ returns with a sick familiarity. It must be said that it is invigorating and vital to do exciting things, you just need to locate your intentions. If you are doing all because of a need to run away from yourself it is an impossible task.

The more lasting solution to filling the void is to begin to have a relationship with yourself that is meaningful and enjoyable enough to sustain you through the empty moments. It is important to consider how social conditioning has made an impact on your direction and choices in your life. For instance, we have been taught that being selfish is wrong and that taking care of others and sacrificing our own wants and needs is real giving.

On top of this our ego driven model of living then coaches us to believe that we can only be fulfilled if we are young, attractive, thin and have loads of all the right things. The end result is that we feed our self esteem from the outside first. In other words we focus on others needs and on what others think or say about us; we strive to have the most stylish career, the most chic clothes, the most envied relationship, the apartment with all the trimmings and so on.

This can be termed the weak ego. Believing that we will find the answer to self-fulfilment and happiness from acquiring more or doing more. Social conditioning has brought us up in a way that actually diminishes real self-knowledge and grounded self-esteem. Your search for happiness is really your yearning for your own self.

The biggest test of how you really value yourself is when you imagine being stripped of everything and then ask the question: can I still respect, accept, trust and nurture myself? Can you feel connected to your beautiful life force within which feels solid and fluid at the same time. This takes enormous courage. Be still with yourself and allow yourself to contemplate who you really are, on the inside. Learn to meditate or pray; Begin a validation journal and start to record thoughts and feelings once a day.

Practice focusing on the here and now as often as you can. Remind yourself that you really only have this moment. Stop worrying about the future and rehashing the past. Make a commitment to yourself to protect and treasure your life force energy, everyday, in a positive and gentle way. Only through practicing acceptance can you begin to change. Open yourself to love by softening your heart. Recognise the beauty and wonder in the world and in others. The most healing way to fill your internal void is to begin the journey towards love.

Being Lonely

2007-12-23T17:25:00.000+05:30

Being surrounded by friends, family, colleagues and strangers makes an impression that we are quite well off in life. Having everyone around and hanging around with friends at shopping malls and watching a movie does make us feel involved. We enjoy, chat, and have the moments which we cherish for lifetime.

But sometimes questions arise in the mind about our own self. Is this what we always want from life?

Sometimes this thought haunts me more than anything else. What is it that we live for? When we don't have a mission in life and we don't know where we are heading to we feel lost. Lost in the wild woods. We may be surrounded by hundreds people and life must be real fast and busy but still we would find something wanting. The loneliness prevails. Being lonely does not mean being alone. People misunderstand the word lonely and alone. You may be alone but you may not be lonely but even if you are not alone you might always stand a chance of being lonely.

There seems to be complete void and you fail to relate to anyone around you. Nothing seems to of your kind. No one seems to understand. Not even you yourself. Deep within your soul you thrive for something which makes the heart restless and mind unstable. Then you would like to settle down and be with yourself and prefer to be alone to introspect. This may sound spiritual or philosophical but this is exactly what occurs to each one of us.

Loneliness then becomes a part of life. What exactly you feel is your hunger for the future and thirst for the past. Life gets tough and hard to lead. The best way to overcome such circumstances is to confront a trusted friend of yours who listens to your problems. It may seem that there isn't any problem but when you speak out your hidden desires, ambitions, dreams and let your emotions vent it feels great. Sharing emotions and knowing that the other person exactly understands what one wants to convey, sets everything right. The sigh of relief from the heart can be felt.
There is no solution to loneliness but tenderness and soft feelings of words does make a difference.

The Mirage of Life

2007-11-29T01:36:00.000+05:30

LIFE !
Life is a mirage. Mirage of hot summer where survival is not at its best. Each moment the longing thirsty heart waits for the way out of it. Taking each step forward gets as tough as giving life to a dead. But still one keeps trying to make the dead speak out as though the death would be the end of everything.
Life would keep kicking you for the worst. And you think there is something hidden out there for the rest. Twists and turns keeps one on the heel till the eternal end of the thriller called Life. You expect, you feel, you think, you dream, you aspire, you plan, you act and at the end of it all you prepare for the worst because life can always throw an unhandled exception.
Change which is the only constant is another deadly combination alongwith life. As it is always said, "Man proposes God disposes" makes one strong and bold knowing life is just a mirage. What we always look forward to and view as a likely possibility , we always realise it was just a mirage of the desert.
Life can promise everything for the longing heart which feels. We take decisions and start our action plan. But are we the ones who are taking the decision?
No!
It's life which takes them for us and we take the responsibility for it. And the worst thing of it all is no looking back. You are standing in this vast desert where you are reeling under the sun and there is no scope of going back to where you started from. You even don't know the end of it. You look forward and what you find is all the same, where at some place way ahead you see a ray of hope. 'Hope', which makes you walk faster defying the sun and as you get closer to what you thought to be the end is just yet another beginning to another mirage. But we are yet at another cross road! Another beginning of Life. You start afresh and people call it LIFE.

Life so Far

2007-11-18T15:19:00.000+05:30

Don't know where to start from.....life has finally started showing its true color...

how can i live so comfortable life ????

can i ever do so ?

do i have the right to enjoy dat life ???

thoughts and emotions sometimes are speechless..and today same is the case here...no words to express what it is.
Seems like its been ages I have spoken. Dat i have had a night's good sleep. why is it so always with me ?
why does life can't give me a chance to live ?

why why why ????

As i move on and look back to my last post i find nothing the same. everything has changed and taken a drastic turn.

who is it ?

Evening Life is Back !

2007-09-29T01:56:00.000+05:30

It had been more than 2 months that I had not seen dusk...and I had not seen the twilight...
evening for me had been a dream. We used to get into the office building in d morning and getout of it in the late night. It was after so long time that I got a chance to move around in the evening under the open sky....many thoughts flashed through the mind...right from the school days of playing cricket in the evening was a must followed by the memories of my engg college days when we all friends would sit at the OAT or the stairs of the D-Block and have a cool time with the wind blowing swiftly making the environment come alive. Today after so many days here at kolkata i could feel the same breeze and the brisk touch of it.

It was just amazing to feel the breeze and have my head watch the high flying aeroplane shining in the slanting sun light high above. It was an amazing sight to watch after long time. The best thing was that I was completely out of any tension and worries....it was so very cool and light...

If that was yesterday then today too wasn't too bad evening. There were moments to cherish and close them in the heart. It must become a habit to come down to the ground floor and sit just on the road divider with the friends and have a few lighter moments and feel the cool of the evening. Evening is such an amazing time which makes the heart fly with the birds flying back home.The twilight falling into the eyes makes everything look so colorful and beautiful. Friends have got closer by now and the compatibility level has definitely been increasing day by day. I wish this continues as long as possible. I wish we have such small moments daily in our lives to make our stay in Tech Mahindra more beautiful. Life no doubt has got lot easier and more promising. Just a wish that all goes well !!

God bless all !

कुछ चटपटी यादें

2007-09-28T02:04:00.000+05:30

वोह जाती है टोह जाने दे
वोह जाती है टोह जाने दे
तुझे प्यार से मतलब है
कहीं से भी आने दे

कितनी आयी कितनी गयी
कितनी आयी कितनी गयी
मगर प्यार न बदला
बस लडकियां बदलती रहीं

यह मेरी कहानी यह मेरी ज़िन्देगानी
यह मेरी कहानी यह मेरी ज़िन्देगानी
आगे का मुझे याद नहीं

दूर से देखा तोह बारिश हो रही थी
दूर से देखा तोह बारिश हो रही थी
पास गया तोह भीग गया

दूर से देखा तोह शेर था
दूर से देखा तोह शेर था
इसलिये पास नहीं गया

यह मेरी कहानी यह मेरी ज़िन्देगानी
यह मेरी कहानी यह मेरी ज़िन्देगानी
न वोह मानी न वोह जानी
बस बह गए मेरे आँखों से पानी

तेरी याद मैं रो रो के हम tub भर दिए
तेरी याद मैं रो रो के हम tub भर दिए
वोह आये और नहा के चल दिए

उसने कहा तुम्हारे पास दिल नहीं है
उसने कहा तुम्हारे पास दिल नहीं है
अपने दिल मैं झांक के देखो ओ जालिम
तुम्हारे पास दो दो हैं

वोह आयी और खुशबु बिखेर के चली गयी
वोह आयी और खुशबु बिखेर के चली गयी
और हम हैं के सूंघते रह गए

The Above were few of the shayari which made the moment light at the end of the ITP session. Dull was the class and all was so different when it all started and it was a very good moment when we all had loads of fun and the best part was this all was made instantly in the classroom with the help of nishanto. I wish there were few more days at ITP training. Well we still have the behavioral training left but don't know how it would be after all the results were out. The retests and their results are yet to finalize many things for the future. I hope everything goes fine and the people who have to appear retests clear all of the papers and join us for the next level of training. I wish everything goes fine.

All the best to all of them !

ITP

2007-09-26T04:36:00.000+05:30

The first day seems to be so far from now.Its all past now and gone into the pages of history.But it would never fade away from the memory of all the ITPians for their rest of the life.

As I moved into the class only one thing that I identified was only me and me. All unknown faces around made me feel lost in the crowd. It was all very exciting though !

Days passed by and the programmer seemed to be so long and never ending. But today we have reached the end of it and I can definitely say that life of each one of us has taken a drastic turn. Twists and turns make it appear so interesting but going through all that was never easy.

Few faces that weren't familiar enough have now left impression for lifetime. Few voices which were never heard would always keep ringing and the ears would wait desparately to hear from them which isn't quite possible in the future. 30 students and one class, not all known to me but yes they are now some part of life. Recreating this life is never possible again.

Working together for two months was never a long period to know everyone perfectly. but was not too short enough to capture them in the heart !!

There won't be those fights with the person who came up as a big surprise like a gust of wind loud and clear banging into the ears. I was taken by surprise and instantly we went along to be known for our mischievious arguments and leg pulling. Enjoying all that was really a good experience to carry along to the future.

At this point when i sit in the class (supposedly the last formal day of technical training) how can I forget those coffee breaks and lunch breaks. Those were the peak hours of masti and enjoyment. Back to days where we worked long hours in the night. Quite a different experience with lots of interaction with people with whom I would have never known without working long. Sundays and saturndays being weekends never stopped us from coming to office. Thinking of those days, I just cherish those moments of enthrwall and frolick.

Few great friends coming up to make a good bond for the future were never far off in being close to heart. Mention of those names would not be a fault in any case -
Vinay, Chetan, Sutapa, Premjit, Manish, Bijeta, Swagatika, Afsana, Sana, Jyoti, Tanushri, Priya, Sandeep, Tintin, Rudra, Suman, Nishant and Sumit.
All these people would be there in the heart and mind even though we would move ahead in different directions and may not get next chance to be together again.

ITP might end, but life hasn't ended yet with high hopes and quite a lot of emotions attached with this event. Waiting to get another chance to be with one of them. Wit crossed fingers(not for peace tough ;) ) , I wish everyone get through and makes it big in their own way.

Three cheers ....for ITP !!

Aisi Aankhein Nahin Dekhi

2007-09-21T22:51:00.002+05:30

Aisi aankhein nahin dekhi
Aisa kajal nahin dekha
Aisa jalwa nahin dekha
Aisa chehra nahin dekha

Jab yeh daman hawa de
Aag jungle main laga de
Jab yeh sehraon main jaye
Ret main phool khilaye

Aisi duniya nahin dekhi
Aisa manjar nahin dekha
Aisa aalam nahin dekha
Aisa dilbar nahin dekha

Uske kangan ka khanakna
Jaise bulbul ka chehakna
Uski paajeb ki cham cham
Jaise barsaat ka mausam

Aisa sawan nahin dekha
Aisi baaris nahin dekhi
Aisi rim jhim nahin dekhi
Aisi khwahish nahin dekhi

Uski bebak si baatein
Jaise sardi ki ho raatein
Uff yeh tanhayi yeh masti
Jaise toofan main kasti

Meethi koyal si hai boli
Jaisi geeton ki rangoli
Surkh gaalon pe pasina
Jaise babul ka mahina

Aisi aankhein nahin dekhi
Aisa kajal nahin dekha
Aisa jalwa nahin dekha
Aisa chehra nahin dekha

Crossed Fingers

2007-09-21T22:51:00.001+05:30

Crossed Fingers – Not of any importance to anyone other than me. It may represent something else to others. But for me it’s Peace. Peace against fight, Peace for fun, Well I don’t know what it means and what I am up to out here. But yeah, I want those crossed fingers to open up and keep me on the firing line. Been ages; I have been on peace. Peace for all sounds so good. So satisfactory! Peace should prevail. But not of this kind within me. Though this is peace for some, but I am fighting yet another war within. War of minds., war of egos, war of thoughts. This fight with crossed fingers does not look good neither does it feel great. Open finger fights are any day better.

I just can’t keep myself in peace anymore. The fingers are still crossed and I feel like I am dead. These fingers have remained crossed and would remain crossed. No other option of having the opportunity to open my fingers and start fighting. Noting exists anymore!!

Being in peace for is similar to be dead. I want to start living. Start afresh someday and live my life with open fingers. Crossed fingers hurt.

I want to live again…
I want to live again…

I want to live.

I am not Dead

Kyun TUM

2007-09-21T22:45:00.000+05:30

Kyun mujhe kuch yaad aa rahi hai,
Kyun mujhe tumhari who lipte hue julphen yaad aati hain
Kyun tumhari aankhon ki harkatein mujhe satati hain

Kyun tumhari un aankhon ka intezaar hai jaise
Ke ek baar aaj unhe main chu lun apne aankhon se
Ke aaj tumhari aankhon main kahin kho jaun main

Woh jhuki si palkein kuch keh rahi ho jaise
Kyun mere dil main ek awaaz gunj rahi hai aise
Aisi aankhein nahin dekhi jo mujhe apne se alag kar rahi ho jaise
Lekin kyun aaj khudko khone ka gam nahin hai mujhe

Aisa kya hai jo mujhe tumhari who baatein yaad aati hain
Kabhi aisa toh nahin hua tha ke tumhari yaad aane ki zaroorat thi is dil ko
Toh fir kyun aaj mera dil tumhari aankhon se baat kar raha hai

Mujhe pata hai ke un aankhon main nami hai kahin
Lekin kyun who mujhse nazarein churati hain…

Hai in aankhon ko tumhari zaroorat,
Tumhare hoton ki hai mujhe intezaar
Ke tumhari hoton ki thar tharati aahat ko main mehsoos karun

Tumhari unglian hain khilte kamal ke pankh jaisi
Kyun mera mann aaj unhe thamne ko hai bekarar
Tumhari bikhre hue latayen,
galon ko chum rahi ho jaisi shararat ki hai khayal unhe

Aaj mera mann hai bekarar kuch kehne ko tumhare kaano main
Bas hai yeh ek khayal meri

lekin kyun mera dil kehta hai…
kyun mera dil….kehta hai…
kyun tum itni yaad aati ho..
kyun mujhe kuch yaad aa rahi hai…

Sound of Soil

2007-09-17T00:06:00.000+05:30

Tanmay Bose !!

The name is sufficient for anyone who has witnessed him ever.

When I heard about his concert at Swabhoomi, I was not that sure about his talent or about his aura. But anything related to classical music and of the sort has always fascinated me. There have been times in the past when I have been quite inclined towards it. Classical music has the perfect blend to make your nerves get electrified. This was proved by Tanmay Bose.

A perfect ambiance to start with. Perfectly located with the open air waiting to be blown away by his concert. Never during the whole concert did I feel that it was a classical concert. Perfect blending of east and the west. The best part was the way the instruments that we generally find in a rock show giving support to the classical music. It was as if the instruments were in their best form.

One thing that touched deep into my heart was "Music is not entertainment...its dedication and focus which brings about this magic".

The other thing that was quite amazing was that classical music can be so rocking which I had never realized before. Unbelievably I found myself banging head to the jugalbandi of Tabla, Mrudang and Pasa(not sure what it is called). The jugalbandi was a great display of musical talent in the whole troop. Tanmay Bose was again superb in creating magic with tabla. The co-ordination was something to be looked at. It almost blew myself out with appreciation and surprise as well.

The music was so original and to the base of being classical that it could justify the name of the whole concert. As if sounds were coming from the five elements with which our world is made up off. Its often said that classical music can create fire and make rain. And now i realize that's not impossible. Quite possible. The other side of classical music is that it brings about so much of happiness and balance to the soul that it erased pain and calms you down to the lowest level of energy with positivity flowing within like a current. People generally comment classical music to be boring and slow but this display made me realize how wrong we had been. It was no less than a rock show which makes you dance to the music. I had my legs and hands moving and for a moment I had the feeling of standing up and dancing to the tunes and the beats.

Another item was east vs west. The eastern packed instruments and the western modern drums and co...For a moment i got confused whether the vocalist was trying to present the sound of the instruments or the instruments were singing like a human. It was really tough to distinguish which was which. All sounds were similar and synchronous that it gave a perfect feel to the ears. With all this it was crystal clear to distinguish the sound of each and every instrument being played. It also turned out to be a jugabandi towards the end and was really amazing to find the vocalist competing with the sounds of the instruments. Just perfect !!

There was a moment when tabla's echoing sound was perfectly caught by the vocalist in his rhyming tone. Just amazing is all I can say.

Thanks to Sutapa for giving this opportunity to experience this event of lifetime. My faith in classical music has been more strengthened by this concert and my belief in our own culture has been rooted deep within me. Our heritage and culture goes long back which the western music can never catch up with and I bet had there been any linking park or britney spears, they would have failed to create the magic that Tanmay Bose could create. They could not have even stood beside him and try and make a jugalbandi. Forgot to mention about the bass being produced by the guitarist. It was even more than any professional rocker from the west with the best of the best electrical/electronic guitar.If you love banging head to rock music then you should have definitely experienced today's concert. It had all in it to make it a PERFECT show.

Hats off to Tanmay Bose and his team for creating the magic and thanks to Sutapa for this great evening.

Thanks to Her once again.

Way back to School Days

2007-09-16T03:01:00.000+05:30

Songs from the yesteryear sometimes knock my head and just bring down everything just like a flash.

Heard to the songs of Mann after long time and suddenly many things flooded in. Last year at School is what i want to get back to. Heard to khushiyan aur gum for the first time at Chicku's home. Those evenings at her place would always be some of the best days. Remembering everything is so great. Feels like i am at her place having chit chats and waiting for sir to come. Those winter chilling evening when i used to go with dad to her place were never aware of where i would be after seven long years. Its just like yesterday. The study table, the text books, the chair, the TV in drawing room, aunty's hand made food, the idli,the dosa,the vada,Sipun's cycle,the Sofa,the gate to her home, the verhanda are so much familiar to me that i sometimes feel like going back and sit there and study my 10th once more. Knowing everything to be impossible and being practical is so different.

One of the most important things which we used to discuss during those days was whether we would be in contact after school or not. But somehow we have managed doing so in a great way. A single call to Chicku right after the song made me quite happy that we have made the impossible possible. Being in touch and remaining the same way as we were wasn't that easy but we have made it. Discussing everything that we did after seven years gives the satisfaction that we have lived each and every moment just so perfectly. Those walks to the tuition and coming back in the late evening and then finally waiting at her home for dad to pick me up are so fresh. So very cute.

Life has taken both of us in different paths and there is this situation where we are not aware of each others' life but still whenever we get in touch we are the same old friends. Talking to her is the same.

The second thing discussed during school days was about my first love. But it no more exists and i am finally out of it all. Chicku used to be so bothered when will i forget everything and move ahead to make a career of my own. And now I am well set and made my career. Cant say that i have made it big but all i can say that i have come a long way from where i was. Never ever in my dreams did i imagine that I would be writing this down even after seven years and i would be remembering everything so well. But that's what is the case.

These songs may not mean anything to others but they carry a lot of value in form of my memories. The first time i heard to that song and how it had touched me so much. Everything makes me nostalgic but again i am happy. A smile is the last thing that i can avoid while thinking of that. After all childhood is the best time in one's life.

I Still blv dat relationships Decay

2007-09-15T22:46:00.000+05:30

Few months back I had posted something on Decaying of relationships.After that post there had been many discussions with different people and somewhere deep within i had felt that my thoughts were contradicting my own beliefs.

But circumstances do make me feel once again that i was correct with my belief. I can still reiterate my words and say that yes relationships decay.

Lost faith on strangers !

Why do i trust strangers so early ? Why do i keep repeating my own mistakes ? Why dont i realise the truths of the world ? why do i expect so much from others and finally why do i bother for others when they hardly care or realize?????????

questions whose answers i don't need to know. I know what i am and what can be done...no one can change me or the way i think and in the process i have been hurt quite often just because i trust them so much. But everyone in this world was a stranger when we walked in to the world but we made relationships and it was trust and faith which has been the ingredients of all these. Right from having faith in the person whom we didn't know and then slowly calling her mom , we have trusted each and everyone who has come across us. Still I have not been the best in taking decisions regarding people. Well that's my weakness. I sometimes need to open my eyes before i move ahead with my trust. But again why do people play with it when they know that someone cares ?

It was never friendship and I thought that I lost a Friend !

----

Talked to Jimmy on AIR....had been really impressed with DIL SE and had been eager to talk to him. I just wanted to let him know that he has been doing a fabulous job. But I definitely wanted him to connect me to one of those persons whom I wanted to say sorry...but then it was too late (2.30am)and i didn't want that person to find another reason to be angry with me. But it was really good to talk to Jimmy and find a few good thoughts. The best thing that he said was "Be Yourself" and that has really boosted me up in being what I am.

Talking to him, I have somehow got this feeling of being an RJ. Its really interesting job. While talking to Jimmy I could feel the background sound and the environment. I just got this idea of trying hand at that too...but i need time to nurture this dream and who knows some day I land up doing what I always wanted to. All on destiny though....

------

Pune or not ???

Puzzle solved...I would definitely try to go to Pune...Make all the efforts to get transferred to Pune...had been thinking over this since long and finally today i felt that i should make this move. The place which i had been loving initially has suddenly made me quite uncomfortable. Few unwanted events and I find no enthusiasm in staying back. The most important reason that I have found the environment to be cool no more exists. There always exists some disturbance within. Not capable of coping with it I would choose to opt out of Kolkata. Venture into the new life at Pune. I hope I get my posting at Pune. But now, all depends on my PSG Head and I have my fingers crossed for the time to come.

Fingers crossed somehow mean something else to me. It means ....anyways will come to that in some other post.

-----

Plans are made to be changed. Had planned to go to B'lore in Puja vacation to meet all friends.Even plans of mumbai and Pune from there was all set...but these all vanished like a Monday blue...cant take leave since my training would not have been over by then...that's ridiculous...damn training...what wud happen to the plans ?

what about my friends ?

wen will i meet them ?

Been quite nostalgic off late...those pics which had been locked in the DVD were opened and parsed through to let the memories come in and make it rain....was quite happy though...coz i was going to B'lore to meet all of them. But then all crashed and now its all in the dust and no plans as of now....

Pathetic life...

What was it ?

2007-09-12T01:51:00.000+05:30

A day with nothing new with few different incidents that keep changing life on the long run. Definitely things occurring on a single day won't be that big but they sum up over a period of time in deciding the future course of anything...that was for something not that big an issue but definitely a heated one which kept me under my own skin for the whole of the day...but the late evening was something different.

What was that I felt ? well cant be explained though...it was meeting that i had been planning since days which was fruitful finally and it was bliss...it was so peaceful...perfectly the way i had thought off...setting off from office from 7.40pm i was quite sure it would be a successful and great meeting...well for those thinking it to be an official meeting, please note that it isnt anything professional...its completely personal...
but i felt real peace at heart and mind...i could say that i could feel God and every step and action of mine was as if controlled my Him. till I got back there was that power which stayed with me.May be it goes everywhere with me but its not quite obvious but definitely when I remember Him i find his blessings along with me...thats what makes me have my faith intact...elated to a different level of happiness and pious state I can sense nothing good for my current doings...have i gone on the wrong lane ?
should i come back before its too late ?
these are few questions that remain...

Miss You Dear

2007-09-10T03:24:00.000+05:30

I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because i know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when i lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other;for those were some of the best times of my life

The NAMESAKE

2007-09-09T02:36:00.000+05:30

The Namesake !!

This word is self explanatory. The book was a great piece of work. Not to forget the movie either. The movie very well portrays the true picture of 1970s depicting the difference in social life at India and at US. Well I wont get into the movie and the review but the reason why I thought of writing about this is that this movie has quite a few resemblances to my life as well. though not in exact sense but definitely the way the love of parents has been worked upon gives the sense of reality.

There was a scene in the movie where Irfan(dad) takes his son Gogol(in childhood) to the sea shore and then to the dead end whr the stones meet the sea. The way Irfan has gone through the scene and the emotions that were pouring through the whole sequence I could nt stop imagining my child hood. It was for the first time that I realized what family means to me. Being far away from home I had never ever missed home and i was comfortably living my life except missing bhubaneswar and my friends. But when it came to my own family it was never missed cause being i always took it for granted. Anyone who has watched the movie would definitely feel wat i amd talking about. The perfect story to open ones eyes. Currently Dad,Mom,Sis and me all are at four different places and quite similar to the movie and I being Gogol though not in complete sense. But yeah I definitely hardly bothered abt my family.

This movie touched so much deep into my heart that my thoughts have changed and for the first time i missed my family a lot and wished if i could get into my childhood once again start living those beautiful moments once again. each and every moment of childhood flash before my eyes as if it was a movie running in front of my eyes.

It was 17thAugust night which I would hardly forget in my whole lifetime.

Frankly speaking I had never sent a miss u sms or a card to dad or mom or sis, but it was on this night that i sent miss u message to all three of them and I know they too realized how deeply I missed them because i did something which i never did earlier.All i can say is that the movie shows how the Russian Author Gogol changed the life of Irfan but here Irfan has definitely brought about a change in me. There is no doubt about it.

Namesake is a must watch for someone who wants to realize what family means and what children mean to their parents. What the parents undergo in bringing up their children and how its too late wen in fact we start realizing.

Lots of changes have come in these few days and that's why I have said earlier in my blog that i have seen life so much in these days which i have never seen in my lifetime.

May this change come for the GOOD !

Man's Proposal at the hands of God's Disposal

2007-09-09T02:23:00.000+05:30

Man proposes and GOD disposes. This is what I have always believed.

This philosophy is what has made me survive till now.
Before coming to Kolkata I had always been happpy regarding one thing. It was Satru's presence which had made me take my posting at kolkata to be a positive signal. May be it was god's plan to bring both of us together to work towards our dreams. But when I reached here at Kolkata I hardly had any time to visit his place and have some good quality time being spent. And the worst thing that could occur to our plans was that Satru got transferred to BBSR last month itself.

Earlier it was always planned and discussed that we two would get together and some real big projects would be undertaken. We could easily meet each other on weekends and be thr once i settle down.

It was yesterday that i was completely free and down with emotions. I was damn condused. thr was noone at my place and I wished if Satru had been there with me. May be i needed him the most at that point of time and this was the tragedy that we both are not at the same place. It was after many months when I realised his absence. Few confusions that raised in my mind would have been solved immediately once we had met but that was never been the case. And at this point i would like to share a secret.

If anyone has any thing to search for and solve his problem on the internet then there is Google and anyone wishing to solve his problem in life there is Jubul !!

well jubul is none other than Satrujeet. Thats what is all about him. I wish he was here with me at kolkata, then these problems and confusions would have never bothered me.

The WALK of LIFE

2007-09-08T22:20:00.000+05:30

Huh !!

Its been long time that I have been with myself. Getting back to own form and trying to be urself is so good. It was at bbsr dat I had visited blogspot and written something. There have been frequent visits to my own profile but I have nt found the right time to get along and sit for my own thoughts to get the priority.

Supposedly it was the last time when I was quite nostalgic about my leaving bbsr. More than a month and I am through loads of things in life. Seems like I have seen a lot in this one month, even more than what I would have seen in my whole lifetime. And believe it or not, I have seen life close enough in these few days.

Its not happening yaar…don’t know whr to start from and where to end. One month is such a long time that there are many things which just need to be mentioned. But again this one month passed so quickly that it seems to be just like a flash.

But yeah, I can get along and make a move now. Kolkata was not that great as expected. Few of my previous blogs have gone regarding Kolkata and how this city of joy had proved itself. But suddenly as I reached this time to start my new life, Kolkata was no more a city of joy. The 1st week at kolkata was a nightmare for me. May be it was just a testing period which I had to survive in. And I survived ! Lots of struggle and pulling around to settle down and begin life from the scratch at kolkata. Time flew by and blogging was always on my mind. But access to the resources and thoughts was prohibited by time.

The beginning on the BIG day ! 27th July 2007, I joined Tech Mahindra. This was just the beginning and everything went fine and it was then that I had a feeling of getting finally settled and starting life afresh. Few resolutions and responsibilities at the back of the mind made it a steady start. ITP(Initial Training Program) as they say Began from 30 July and we were introduced to our colleagues and the new life. But slowly in just a week I could sense the burden of life. What exactly we were upto. Life revolved round Tech Mahindra. Anything and everything was related to the company. The feeling of being tied down crept in. There was nothing left in life except going to office early morning and coming back late evening. In the meantime, I had made good friendship with my room mates and that was the only thing that could make me survive.
First module test and it was all so different from college. Life rolled on and in no time now I am completely adjusted to this new life. The schedule makes me no more tired. The day I return at around 6.30pm it seems so different. Its always better to stay down at office till 10pm and work hard and have the feeling of satisfaction and come back home to find only the bed waiting most eagerly.

In the process 31st August made another mark in each and everyone’s life. Don’t know about others but definitely this day means a lot since my first salary was credited to my account. And the feeling of being grown up was superb. Though I could not find time on this day to get to the ATM to check my balance, still I believe it holds great importance to me. 1st September 2007 my first withdrawal and then loads of shopping and purchasing.

Well things have changed so much in just a few days that I hardly believe my own self. Just a month back I was never sure if I would make good friends out here and have any sort of life after college. Even for few days after joining I had no idea about what is in store for me. Ticking clock has taken the charge and now we are at not far from the day when out training would get over. Just 20days from now our ITP would be over. But never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would miss ITP and ITPians so much. The thought of the end has made me think twice about it. I have suddenly started loving my office environment, my work load, the stress, the people around and most importantly the group of people I have been around since a month. Though one month was never a big time to know them but definitely there has been some attachment for them. As I know myself very well this is not a new thing. But still this attachment word has started a new turmoil within me. Many things have touched me. Professional and personal life need to be kept different. But what exactly do I mean by the both and where should I draw a line?
Does it mean that I can’t be personal to my colleagues? Why do I think it to be so?
Why do I have to think about it so much? Don’t people working in office make friends? How far these people keep this friendship? I sometimes get to hear “this is no college!! And we are colleagues….not friends….”
This makes me quite apprehensive regarding my own way of dealing with people around me. The fear of missing ITP has made me do something which I have never done.

Detachment is the key to happiness.
Therefore not being attached to anything or anyone is only solution. People have taken this step differently and believe I have gone nuts and just trying to be professional. But I know what I am doing and what is correct from me at this stage. But there exists some attachment at this point and I need to overcome that. Now the most important question for me is to give an option for Pune center or not. Before coming to Kolkata I always had in mind that I would be opting for Pune once my ITP ends. But now after this one month of stay at kolkata I am in two minds. Practically speaking pune would be better since it gives more of options being the headquarters. But logically speaking I am already settled at this place and it’s been really tough to get down to this state. Settling at Kolkata was never an easy task. And now that I have finally got kind of lifestyle and a good friend circle(rather colleagues which some would like me to address) I don’t have that mental strength to go through all that once again which occurred to me when I came to Kolkata. Well I would have to leave some day and dats the way life in IT industry is. But I don’t want this to happen so early when I am quite satisfied with my current life and the way it’s rolling on. Staying down at kolkata would also have few other advantages which are out of the scope of this platform. But in all sense I am confused. Damn confused and rambling mind is eager to find a way out. Thinking of all this makes me wonder how could life change so fast and take different twists and turns in just a month.
Life is kicking !!

Last Night At Heaven

2007-07-18T01:20:00.000+05:30

What should go in someone's mind when he knows he is to leave heaven ???

What should be going on my mind ?

Finally the time has come which I had been waiting for since months...but not always this wait was out of excitement...many a times it was just the fact dat I would be leaving...having spent seven golden years of my life at this place which at the beginning was hell to me, has become my heaven.I know from now on coming back to bhubaneswar wont be the same as it used to be while i stayed here.Things have changed so rapidly.Nothing is left at this place for me.All my friends have left. When I come back wat i wud have is only my emotions and memories of this place. Each road and place at bbsr wud strike me with hundreds of emotions simultaneously, some sweet n some sour...but all would be so good when i come back.

Looking back I have got many things from this place...got some life long relationships and some life long memories. Bhubaneswar was never a place od my liking. I never wanted to come and stay here leaving my school and my place. But having come here and spent these years, I feel these years were not flown by time. It was quite steady process. I dont think time flew by but yeah time gave me everything that I aspired for. Had known that I would be leaving bbsr in 2007 since four years. But never visualized this day.But finally the day has come.I can see everything going around me.Busy with my packing I have nt got the time to think over this moment.But now when all set and I am waiting for only few hours from now, i can feel the bubbles in my stomach. The thought of leaving bbsr doesnt bother me much dan the thought of going to a new place.

Kolkata wud definitely be a a strange city and also a new beginning for my life. Life wont be the same hereafter. For the first time while talking to Dad I could feel the sense of urgency in getting responsible more than what I am now. Dad was really in a different frame of mind which is normally not the way I have seen him since my childhood. There were few words which were uttered and I just took and realized that dad was afraid of losing me. Few of such thoughts rambled around me too. Freedom is no doubt what I had aspired for. But now i feel responsibility comes with freedom.So i need to get more responsible. Now exposed to the whole world I can feel that till now I was under a safety cover of my family. The cover which was like the shield which protected me from all evil. Like a bird protects its children till they are ready to fly, every parent does the same. And today the time has come when the bird is ready to fly but still very afraid to be lost in the large sky which no more provides the protective shield. I wish I could always have dis shield along with me. But That would never be the case from now. Home is home and no better place to home. Mom's food and care and concern (which always appeared to be like intervention into my life) would be missed and I would wait with longing thoughts to come back HOME.

At these last hours i m blank without any thoughts,any feelings, not happy not sad. Just wanna be flown away by life the way it wants me to go. But yeah getting back the same life that I have had at bbsr would be impossible. Even when i come back to settle down here at my heaven it wont be the same like now. Life would have changed then. With fingers crossed I leave.

Babbye Bhubaneswar.
MISS U A LOT and the years that u gave me to live were the sunniest moments of my life.

Bye

LOVE YOU

PARZANIA - unfolding the truths of life

2007-07-17T03:05:00.000+05:30

Parzania - just the word would suffice if you have gone through it.

I'm speechless and what's going through the mind is nothing but words,words that hold the truths of life. Never expected that a movie can change my idealogies and my complete thought process.

Gandhi never had been the one I supported. Non-violence was never my cup of tea. But violence was never witnessed too. The whole events that had taken place in Godhra and the whole of Gujarat, never bothered me and I never took an avid interest in it because it didnt occur to me. I knew lives were lost,people were butchered and innocence was massacred. An eye for an eye has engulfed the whole world. But I was unmoved.

But this picturization has such true aspects which has opened my eyes to the truths. Violence for any reason is never a solution. Thats the biggest lesson that I learnt. Godhra was no doubt a cowardly act by the people who wanted to disrrupt the peace, but the retaliation was never the solution. Moved by the violence in the movie I just can't imagine the reality. The actual happening can never be felt unless witnessed by yourself. The pain, the outcry and the blood were enough for one to experience what it would have meant to the people who were affected.

We watched news, read newspapers and discussed but our lives moved on smoothly. But there are people whose life would never get smooth. They have lost. And the most pathetic part in all this is the government. The sole responsibility of the situation is of the Government. U can't claim to have brought back life to normal having provided compensation. We are not talking of tables, chairs or furnitures. God damn we are talking of people, the lives. How can you compensate dat with just some ransome?

The government could have easily stopped it but it turned blind eye. And for the first time I hate being a Hindu. I hate myself because I have had this feeling that the sangh is working for the people. But how come ?? By the sangh I mean the VHP, RSS and also the political form of it as BJP. But that does not mean that the other parties are good enough. Where was the opposition party when this all occurred. I know its all vague to discuss it now or to question when it has all died out. But we still need to find the solution to it. The whole system has been politicised and sold in the name of religion. Religion should be one's reason to live and survive but not to kill. Any act of terror is always a act against your own religion.

But after all this, were the true culprits caught and punished ? I can still see the government of Gujarat living its happy life and the most unbelievable thing is that how could the same person be re-elected after the state has seen so much ? Is it that people have gone blind eye or the whole process of election was also manipulated ? But the bottom line is that violence is no solution. And somehow now I feel Gandhi was never wrong with his ways of nonviolence. Definitely he must have been strong enough to practise it when the whole country was being killed and cruelity was on the peak. But nonviolence and non co-operation have definitely earned the freedom. But why dont we realise it with such instances from history. Godhra and the after effects would no doubt be a black spot but should also be a learning lesson for one and all. And those who are taking the path to violence should give it a try and at least watch Parzania before leaping into the fire. What Parzania has shown, hardly anyother movie has done that.

Rahul Dholakia has done a great job by making this movie closest to reality though reality is not even one percent of it. But each move and scene has been very thoughfully carved out and not to forget the superb performance by all the actors and the actresses with special mention of Naseeruddin Shah and Sarika.

The under current of the movie is the sacrifices that parents give for their children. A child is more than anything else in the whole world for a father/mother. Naseeruddin's expressions make u feel like a dad and u can very well imagine yourself in his position and I hope I become someone like the character dat Naseeruddin played.

Life is so different from what we see and a single event can change one's whole life and it would never be the same ever. There are greater meanings to life than just coffee and sitting idle at home and enjoying a news in the news channels which have been commercialised too.

Awake and Act.

Do Relationships Decay ?

2007-07-01T02:48:00.000+05:30

A thought which struck me long back. But I wanted to think on it first. And somehow today while interacting with a friend I got to hear something called boredom in relationships. A nice question asked - What if a relationship gets bored which is perfectly on the right track ? Everything is well and fine but what if someone feels bored and finds no 'Charm' in the relationship. That was tricky. My instant answer was then how do people marry and they don't get bored and continue to live life together till end. I still feel that its just the effect of western culture thats affecting our thought process. Someone would not have found this question a decade back. When it comes to relationship commitment is the key ingredient. Its not that we get into a relationship for our own self. I feel its for both the persons. this used to be the scenario before. But now any relationship you consider thr is a selfish reason. Thats our expectations and our own interest in it. Once our interest and expectations are fulfilled we feel the boredom. Is it natural or we keep expecting more and more which makes it boring and monotonous ? Arent we expecting too much from our relationships ???? Are we seriously looking for each other's happiness ? Are we getting into a materialistic world ???? All these questions tend to answer my own question " Do Relationships Decay".

Now coming to my very own question, I feel that every relationship comes with an expiry date. The moment the date ie the period expires the relationship starts to decay. Exactly like our Planet or a Star does. The decay may be spontaneous or very gradual which may not appear. But there is this decay that exists. I am not speaking of only one type of relationship. What I am talking of is every kind of relationship, may it be marriage, friendship, brotherhood, child-parent or even the kind that can't be named(which come at different level,something between love and friendship) . We can say it to be losing the charm or getting boredom. It may not be only materialistic reason for such decay. As we move on in life and we meet different people, our own thought process changes. Our requirements change. Our environment change. The same people with whom we used to be so close seem to be quite incapable of understanding out plight. Or we tend to lose our own sharing ability. We meet new people who belong to our own environment who can be more comfortable with. The comfort level is what matters. Slowly but steadily every relationship, even the ones we think is immortal starts to decay.

And who is it to be blamed for such occurance ? Is it we. Is it our selfish attitude. Is it our needs which change. I would prefer considering it to be time. Time changes everything. Even our needs. Well our environment too plays a critical role in this process. Another thing is our tight schedule and our busy life which leaves us with no time to analyse such changes and gives us no time to set everything right and to stop the process of decay.

Previously I used to be quite bothered when I used to lose contact or find that there exists no more the same kind of intimacy with people who mattered a lot in my life. I used to take it quite seriously and feel lost. Now I look back and find that every relationship that I used to be in, has changed with time. And its quite drastic too. Beginning from my own family members to my friends and even to my foes. The intensity of hatred that I used to have for some foe or person has decreased and I can say that I dont even consider him/her to be a foe anymore. It hardly matters whether he/she exists or not, whose existence on the surface of earth was a big botheration for me some years back !!

Same is the case with my friends and family too. Many people who mattered to me a lot, are no more in contact though they still matter a lot in my life. But its just that the process of decay has changed everything. It definitely hurts to look back and find that so much has changed. I wish I could get back to that time and make up everything the way it were. But that's not possible.

Well, now I feel that I need to accept each change. I need to look ahead to the new relationships that are waiting to be made. I need not stop and I should let life play its role. The best thing we can do is play our part best in any relationship, give in our best efforts to build it and be happy that it occurred. And regarding the past lost relationships we should again be happy that it was our part to be played and we played well and gave our 100 percent efforts. And that which was destined took place and we are at a better place. Here comes the true beleif in God, the supreme Power who regulates every action of ours and my faith increases on "Jo hota hai achhe ke liye hota hai".

I can thus watch each of my relationship decaying slowly but steadily. The watch is On !

Who will see me off ??!!??

2007-06-28T02:12:00.000+05:30

It all started in the month of May.One by one everyone left.

College got over.Friends started their new journey of life. I didn't miss any chance to say the final good bye. Life was taking new twists and turns. I was bound to acccept the things around me. Accepted whatever may it be. Hostelites left finally.

I had just recovered from the state of being alone. Could reorganise my life and move ahead. But again it was time to see off few of the friends who left for their respective joining at different places. Visiting the railway station and airport became a regular habbit and each time I visited these places, they reminded me of the last visit and how painful it had been seeing friends off for the last time. Tears had by then dried out and there were only helpless eyes that waited for my own chance to come.

The Wait is still on.

I had thought that I would be leaving early and tere would be many of my close friends to see me off.But that was not the case. The people who were expected to stay for long had to leave for their joining destinations. Partha and Jyoti were few of them. Never thought in the wildest of dreams that I would see them off...That was quite painful because I was never prepared for it. It really hurts when I find myself all alone out at this place and waiting for my turn to come. I would have my day too. But I won't have these people around to see me off. I know its just a weird thought to expect someone to see me off. But then thats how I am. I am the only person left out at bbsr to see everyone off. Its the toughest part to do. I know it must be sounding quite funny and rediculous but I too feel the need to move on and leave the past behind. But every time someone leaves, it recreates the wounds that were slowly getting healed.

Now tomorrow my very sweet little cousin would be leaving for Delhi. Perhaps today was the last meeting.Life has taken yet another turn. This was the most unexpected things to happen. I had always wished my close family members and friends to be there when I leave. But I always believe "Man Proposes God Disposes".

The million dollar question still remains unanswered !

I don't find people who would see me off ???!!??@@##??

Bachha Party

2007-06-28T00:58:00.000+05:30

I am no more a child and we are no more small enough to fight for a treat. No more trips to dhauli or nandankanan. No more night long shouting around at chandrasekharpur or the day long masti. There is no more the big group of ours with 20 and more number of childeren. There are no more movie plans for the whole of three days. No dancing around on the bed of closed dark rooms on the beats of the rocking songs and neither the day long cricket in the dining space.

What I am talking of is the group of ours that used to exists when we were children. Raza, the festival of three days celebrated in Oriya families used to be one of the most awaited events for us. Being celebrated in the month of June with the first downpour of monsoon kissing the soil, it always had a big celebration time for all of us. With a group of children exceeding a minimum of 20, it need not be mentioned what would be the environment then. May it be elders or children everyone took the advantage of enjoying these three days. A perfect time for family get together with vacations continuing for everyone of us, we were never bothered about what was going around us.

This all has faded away as we grew up and we went to far distant places from each other.Slowly but steadily everyone has come a long way from our childhood days. This year Raza was of course a special one since it saw a comparatively large group formation after around five years. There were many people we missed which includes Kuni Apa, Patu Apa and my own sis Apa. But this Raza found its true colour on the last day when every one of us got together for a party. It was feeling great to have got the chance to recreate our childhood days. The biggest thing of this party was dat it was sponsored by Bhaina and Jhumpi which gave the feeling that finally we are all grown up and got into our adulthood. Barista was superb with its ambiance and the most happening thing was to find elders experiencing our matured and responsible actions. Finally the night long masti was experienced amidst all. A memorable night for each one of us, we (Dulu Mamu, Lutu Mamu, Polly Apa, Tikili Apa, Tiki Bhai, Bhaina, jhumpi, Tinkle, Sonu, Molly, Lolly, Chikun, Sourav and I) spent it on the terrace of 3rd floor playing dumb charades. It was real fun with everyone participating with complete enthusiasm. It was after years that we all had met on this occasion and everyone was also quite aware that it would again be after years to find such an opportunity. Thus not leaving any scope of masti we all kept enjoying till it was 4am in morning. Then it was time to play cards and start another round of fun. With no signs of fatigue we continued to play TAKE 2 till morning 6.30.

16th June 2007, came as a day full of memories of the past and to create few more for the years to come. The mixed feeling of having lost our childhood and having grown up so much that we don’t own the right to do what we used to do before gave me some nausea. Having come of age does not mean that we have lost our freedom to have fun. Does it mean that we need to think more and be formal with our own people? Does it make sense in keeping our mouth shut and sit idle all day long?

But whatever it is, I had a great time and I am definitely going to miss it in years to come. This is probably the last Raza at home and with all my cousins around. Next time there would be many changes like Molly and Lolly won’t be at BBSR, Polly Apa would have got married and I would have got settled at Kolkata and probably won’t have leave to come home during this time. Lot more unexpected is to occur and change. Thus, this becomes all the more special. Days of childhood would be close to heart and our Bachha Party would always stay intact where ever we are.Let’s meet once again next year. Waiting eagerly for yet another such get together with all my dearest ones around.

To listen is so difficult. To listen means to be here, now

2007-06-28T00:55:00.000+05:30

To listen is so difficult. To listen means to be here, now. To listen means to be without any thought. To listen means to be alert and aware. If these conditions are fulfilled, only then you listen. The mind goes on spinning a thousand and one thoughts, and the mind goes on moving — in the past, in the future. How can you listen? And whatever you listen to, it will not be right listening at all.You will listen to something else which has not been said at all, you will go on missing that which is said — because you will not be in tune. To listen well ordinarily means to listen in a deep receptivity. When you listen, if you are arguing, judging, saying, "Yes, this is right because it fits with my ideology and this is not right because it doesn't..." If you are continuously sorting out things inside, you are listening but you are not listening well. You are listening with your past mind interfering. It is not you judging, it is your past. You have read and heard a few things, you have been conditioned for a few things. The past wants to perpetuate itself. It does not allow anything new; it allows only the old that fits with it. To listen rightly means to listen obediently. This word obedience is beautiful. You will be surprised to know that the original root from which the word obedience comes is obedire — it means 'a thorough listening'. If you listen totally you will obey. You will not need any decision on your part. Truth is self-evident. Or as the Jewish tradition says, 'to bare your ear'. If you have really opened your ear and there is no interference and no disturbance inside, and no distraction, you have not only opened your ear, you have opened your heart. And if the seed falls into the heart, sooner or later it will become a tree. Ear locks have to be removed. Fear of truth is the basic lock. You are afraid of the truth because you have lived in lies... for so long that all those lies are afraid, if truth comes they will all have to leave you. The moment you come closer to truth, the mind will become disturbed. It will create much stir, raise much dust, create a cloud around you so that you cannot hear what truth is.

Buddha has said that unless you are fearless you will not attain to truth. When you bow in a church, mosque or temple, to a statue, scripture, or tradition, where is your bowing coming from? Just watch inside — and you will find fear, fear and fear. Faith appears only on death of fear. Faith means trust. How can a fearful man trust? He is always thinking, protecting, defending. How can he trust? To trust, you need courage. To trust, you need to take risk. To trust, you need to move into danger. The Chinese ideogram for crisis consists of two symbols: one means danger, another means opportunity. Yes, that moment is a critical moment when you are facing danger and opportunity, both. If you don't go into danger you will miss the opportunity. If you want opportunity you will have to go into danger. Those who know how to live dangerously, only they are religious.

Excerpted from The Diamond Sutra, courtesy Osho International Foundation/ www.osho.com.