AM I Being Myself ?

As I was walking down the road to my office building which sits close to my flat, I don’t know how and why I felt like writing things up which came shooting into my mind. It was after such a long time that I felt like writing. There was a gust of thoughts which had not come to me since long. Thoughts which were regarding me and I was thinking all this being a third person to me. The way I have been over these two years after leaving college. How I have changed as person personally, physically (may be not much as per others but I have: P), professionally and most importantly emotionally.

So what are the changes that I am talking about? A few observations recently on me put forward this thought that yes I have changed a lot over the period of time. But please don't ask me if they are for good or bad. Whatever it may be it is me. They say "the only constant in life is Change..." and how true has that proved to me! I had always imagined Abhisek i.e. Me as a person who would hardly come across changes when it comes to accepting it. I am resistant to changes may it be change of bed or room or seat at office or food point or anything you may say. And with this I remember I have changed my number! Gosh that is what I had never intended to do. Well, logically speaking I have not changed my number. My previous number still exists and I would continue to use that once I get my cell phone repaired. But for the time being that number is switched off and I have been using a new number which is not with anyone else except for few who have been in regular touch. But, after all I have changed my number and it’s been more than three weeks now. I have not given it to any of my friends from college or from yesteryears. Not that I don’t care about them or don’t want to be in touch with them. But I have not made an effort to circulate my number which I would have done by mails, orkut and sms to all of them few years back the day I would have got a new number. But why is it that I have not done it this time? I too don't know!

It was amusing to get a call from Parul yesterday yelling at me on my new number. She had been trying my old number since three four days but hadn’t got it connected. And finally somehow she got my new number from someone, I still don’t know who. But frankly speaking it was actually surprising to know this. I never expected her to try my number until my bday :P. Even that seems to be a bit over expectation but I never expected her call. Why I mentioned about her is that, this thing made me realize that I have not given my number to anyone and that’s how change has come within me. I have stopped listening to music! Whow !! That is impossible. But yes I have. I have stopped orkutting for hours now! I have learnt how to spend time alone at home; I have learnt how to enjoy a good book. Never thought in my wildest dream that I would complete reading books over night. Have been reading different books and the latest is of a different genre altogether. Its "Games Indians Play - Why We Are the Way We Are by V Raghunathan". That a great book and a must read for everyone who is an Indian.

Well, lets move on to something else. I told you, today I was in a writing mood after a long time. Visited few of my old friends' profile early in the morning. It was Adwitee and Sumandeep's profile that caught my eyes. Well yeah, they have been good friends from college but we weren't that great friends either. It was just by chance that I landed up in their profiles and many good memories came running to my mind. And this was the point where thoughts shoot up from all directions. Even if I had got a notepad to jot down I would have failed to do so. Anyways.. Having visited Adwitee's profile specifically took me back to my first year at college. I had roll no 1 and hers was 5. So we were teammates through out the 4 years in labs, vivas anything done in groups on the basis of roll numbers. So, she was a very good friend. The best days were when Sumandeep, Biswajit, Ajay, Dibya, Adwitee and I were involved with our attempt to create and publish a year book for our IT 2007 passing out batch. Those were the times when I realized how good these people were. Among the people I admire from the core of my heart, Sumandeep, Biswajit, Ajay, Adwitee and Dibya are the names that I must not forget to mention. The year book is still with me but I realized today that I have not opened the same since a year or so. The book which we had created for this purpose only to have a remembrance of those beautiful days is still lying in some corner of my cupboard. And it hasn’t caught my attention since long. That’s why I feel I have changed. Recently a very good friend of mine, Himanshu, had sent me a sms regarding the completion of 2nd anniversary of our engineering. Now when I had got the sms I felt nice to remember that day i.e. 27th April 2007. But somehow I didn’t feel anything different. No one to share it with who would understand its importance. There are hundreds of such dates which come across people. So how does it matter to others? It did to me on the first anniversary. But not on the second. And moreover, I too have moved on. I had always thought that I would miss my friends, college and those days. And I was not wrong. But I was wrong when I used to think that life would be nothing without them. Now I am living a life without all that. Nothing is similar to what used to be two years back. Prachi has been there through out but our relationship has also changed and this I can say is for the best. But we are no more like we used to be during college days. But somehow I feel I have been ditched by time. I didn’t have the guts to look back and take a turn. I did turn initially but like others who had preferred to move on I too did chose that path. And here I am writing this about my college days after 2 years of leaving. Now that’s what I had never expected. I had reached Kolkata and from there to Pune. But in all that I never wrote anything about college on my blog. It all was regarding my new life, new friends and new environment. I am guilty in this regard. I could have made a better effort to be what I wanted to be. There have been times when people have complained me for not being in touch. Now that’s harsh. When did I stop them from being in touch with me if I was not? Did I deny them not to be in touch with me? Well, I would prefer leaving this topic here. But somehow I feel I could have been more generous and not changed.

Well, as I said, lot has changed over these two years. Pallavi got married on 28th April! And that’s news!! I still can't believe that I wasn’t a part of her wedding just because I am hired by a god damn company which pays me some 20K odd bucks. This is what I had never thought. I always feared this life and life has proved itself over and over again. How true my parents have been in such matters. I remember when in college my mom saying me "beta, yeh sab dost wagera jo bhi hain...sahi hai lekin jab tum log alag jagah pe rahoge..no one would be around...n u wouldn’t even get time to meet them for years together...what will only matter is your life and your family"... and then I used to be so irrational in my thoughts... I never agreed to what mom used to say. But today as I see myself I somewhat agree to her words though not completely. May be I need to reach her age to agree completely. I had been to b'lore to meet pallu before she got married. and it was really great to be with her and himanshu. there were days when we all used to be with each others for more than one third of a day... but now we met after more than one and half years...that too just because pallu was getting married and she would be leaving India after that. And look as I write this she has already got married and has left India. So that’s how life has been changing. So how come I won’t change?

Well, all these thoughts have come across several times in bits and pieces. But I never had the will to pen them down. I had lost the zeal to write as I used to have few months back. I feel really weird now remembering that two days back I had updated my orkut profile and in that for the passion section I had written "none for the time being". How have things changed me really makes me wonder if I am the same person as I was. AM I being myself?

Back to the Past

It sometimes seems that years that have passed by won’t get back to you. Past is always a past. That which went by has to go and however you try, you can’t get it back. It is definitely true. Sometimes you may also want the past to be never in front of you. You want to leave your past. You ignore it. And as the years pass by one gets along and rarely do we face what we left behind.

Many a times, I have tried to leave behind many things. Though I would like to live my school days once more, I never intended to get back to many such memories which have haunted me for years. Circumstances which could even remind me of those few people for whom my memories had died and even the feelings.

But someone has rightly said, your past is always with you.

It was really a good feeling and one of those happiest moments for me when Father Joseph here at Pune. It was almost after five to six years that we met. We had been in touch at regular intervals but hadn’t got an opportunity to meet him personally. It was an amazing event for me at least in these few months time which occurred.

Having met him, I was reminded of everything absolute about school. Even the place where he halted was awesome. It was pretty similar to our school environment - Same building structure, the same kind of trees, the silence, the discipline and the exactly the same type of reading room where we sat down to have a chat.

It was a dream come true to meet Father after such a long time. He looked all the same and supposedly nothing has changed since the time I last saw him. But he has grown into being a more caring person. It really seemed to be different in the way he spoke. May be that he realized we are no more those school going kids anymore. But definitely that warmth existed.

We had a good talk about everyone from school. We discussed every person we knew. But the moment he spoke about her, I grew a bit uncomfortable. A call to her and there he was talking to her. I didn’t even know she was on the call. But it was so sudden that I didn’t know how to react. That’s what I was talking of. However you want, your past follows you and remains with you.

A sudden handover of the phone from Father to me, made me speak to her who I never intended to, and of course it was so weird to talk to the person whom you knew very well, but never could be in touch just because circumstances and things were never in your favor. Few flash of thoughts just in fraction of seconds. I was about to talk to the person whom I had forgotten after several attempts. The one talking to who now seemed to be very difficult. The person who pretended not to recognize me at the first instance was on the other side. Wow !! Under all these thoughts we were into a conversation which was so formal and so different. As if we had never spoken earlier.

The thing that actually moved my thoughts was that even after so many years, I had the same excitement, the same small nervousness, the trembling hands and same cracking voice. There was a lack of words and a steady flow of inconsistent statements. Though I appeared very strong and confident, I know what I went through for those few minutes. Her thought, her voice, her being in my world was not possible since years. I even didn’t want to but this time it was like I was back to those days and I wanted not to face it. In fact one’s past would surely come before him/her some day or other whenever one meets his/her old relationships. They would take you back knowing or unknowingly. Its just the fact that you would face the same past where you left it even after an era.

But somewhere deep inside, I again feel good that I spoke to her after such a long gap of three years. I was happy too for I could know about her. I was happy for her success and also for what she has achieved. It all meant good.

Thus I am really very nostalgic and my school days would keep me awake for few days now. I would be wondering about those corridors, the class rooms and the playground. But this place which is very close to my flat definitely has so many things similar to my school. The ambiance was pretty much similar and the circumstances are still the same after so many years. That’s what past is all about. Wherever you are, you would have to face it some day. But I wish I could face it in a better way the next time.

Diwali - A Feeling

The day was fabulous.Beautiful morning.Complete chutti from work and regular activities.Ideal break one can wish for after such a long week.Visit to friend's place and purchase of fire crackers for the perfect firework in the evening.

Diyas !!

Deepak !!

They r the perfect example of a person's life.They can teach u a lot.Just need to have a look at them.Observe right from the beginning when it is lighted and the fabulous flame growing just like a baby.

In the process of lighting them in the evening i could feel how nice it is to create something.The flame,the light,the child.For the first time i could feel how great it must be to be a dad.How gentle a just born child would be ! How caring we need to be to nurture and protect our children.How amazing it must have been to be a father.How proud u feel when u r a dad and when u r successful in growing your child where u want them to be.This all feeling came to me as i went on lighting diyas one by one.Giving birth to a new life.A new world.That which could not manage to sustain its own weight(the flame i am talking of ) ,that which has no existence of its own without my support, would very soon give light to the world.Remove all darkness and bring in all that happiness which we aspire for.

I also realized that nothing happens so easily.A diya which promises to enlighten everything and be a great warrior against the darkness,also has to take time to come up to its potential.It is potent enough to do so.But it also needs time.It too has to struggle against all odds.I could see that every time I lit a diya it was not suddenly that it got into its actual form.It took its time fighting against the wind.When the light itself takes time to come up why do we being just humans want everything to be done instantly.Why do we want to achieve everything without doing anything and any struggle? That everything has to undergo a natural and gradual process.We need to give in our hundred percent.

The diya gives happiness and light to all.But what does it get?Its own base is in darkness.Burns itself for others just to get nothing for itself. We too need to be selfless and now I just remember one of my friends saying me "bas social work and service kar....kya milta hai? doosron ka kaam hi bas karta reh..."

I can just say that I would still go ahead with my social service or whatever u name it just for the reason dat i wud never aspire to get anything in return.I dont expect anything.Its just my pleasure.

Zindegi Ke Kuch Sachhaiyan - Zindegi Ki Safar Mein Lyrics

Zindagi Ke Safar Mein Guzar Jaate Hain Jo Makaam
Vo Phir Nahin Aate, Vo Phir Nahin Aate

Phool Khilte Hain, Log Milte Hain
Phool Khilte Hain, Log Milte Hain Magar
Patjhad Mein Jo Phool Murjha Jaate Hain
Vo Baharon Ke Aane Se Khilte Nahin
Kuchh Log Ik Roz Jo Bichhad Jaate Hain
Vo Hazaron Ke Aane Se Milte Nahin
Umra Bhar Chahe Koi Pukaara Kare Unka Naam
Vo Phir Nahin Aate, Vo Phir Nahin Aate
Zindagi Ke Safar Mein...

Aankh Dhokha Hai, Kya Bharosa Hai
Aankh Dhokha Hai, Kya Bharosa Hai Suno
Doston Shaq Dosti Ka Dushman Hai
Apne Dil Mein Ise Ghar Banane Na Do
Kal Tadapna Pade Yaad Mein Jinki
Rok Lo Rooth Kar Unko Jaane Na Do
Baad Mein Pyaar Ke Chahe Bhejo Hazaron Salaam
Vo Phir Nahin Aate, Vo Phir Nahin Aate
Zindagi Ke Safar Mein...

Subah Aati Hai, Shaam Jaati Hai
Subah Aati Hai, Shaam Jaati Hai Yunhi
Vaqt Chalta Hi Rehta Hai Rukta Nahin
Ek Pal Mein Ye Aage Nikal Jaata Hai
Aadmi Theek Se Dekh Paata Nahin
Aur Pardey Pe Manzar Badal Jaata Hai
Ek Baar Chale Jaate Hain Jo Din-Raat Subah-O-Shaam
Vo Phir Nahin Aate, Vo Phir Nahin Aate
Zindagi Ke Safar Mein

Great Lyrics

kisee baat par main kisee se khafaa hoon
mai jindaa hoon par jindagee se khafaa hoon
khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon ...

muze dosaton se shikaayat hain shaayad
muze dushmanon se mohabbat hain shaayad
mai is dostee dushmanee se khafaa hoon
khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon ...

n jaane kahaa kab kise dekhataa hoon
magar main jahaa jab jise dekhataa hoon
samazataa hain wo main usee se khafaa hoon
khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon ...

n jaagaa huaa hoon, naa soyaa huaa hoon
main dil ke andheron mein khoyaa hoon
kisee chaand kee chaandanee se khafaa hoon
khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon ...