Last Night At Heaven

What should go in someone's mind when he knows he is to leave heaven ???

What should be going on my mind ?

Finally the time has come which I had been waiting for since months...but not always this wait was out of excitement...many a times it was just the fact dat I would be leaving...having spent seven golden years of my life at this place which at the beginning was hell to me, has become my heaven.I know from now on coming back to bhubaneswar wont be the same as it used to be while i stayed here.Things have changed so rapidly.Nothing is left at this place for me.All my friends have left. When I come back wat i wud have is only my emotions and memories of this place. Each road and place at bbsr wud strike me with hundreds of emotions simultaneously, some sweet n some sour...but all would be so good when i come back.

Looking back I have got many things from this place...got some life long relationships and some life long memories. Bhubaneswar was never a place od my liking. I never wanted to come and stay here leaving my school and my place. But having come here and spent these years, I feel these years were not flown by time. It was quite steady process. I dont think time flew by but yeah time gave me everything that I aspired for. Had known that I would be leaving bbsr in 2007 since four years. But never visualized this day.But finally the day has come.I can see everything going around me.Busy with my packing I have nt got the time to think over this moment.But now when all set and I am waiting for only few hours from now, i can feel the bubbles in my stomach. The thought of leaving bbsr doesnt bother me much dan the thought of going to a new place.

Kolkata wud definitely be a a strange city and also a new beginning for my life. Life wont be the same hereafter. For the first time while talking to Dad I could feel the sense of urgency in getting responsible more than what I am now. Dad was really in a different frame of mind which is normally not the way I have seen him since my childhood. There were few words which were uttered and I just took and realized that dad was afraid of losing me. Few of such thoughts rambled around me too. Freedom is no doubt what I had aspired for. But now i feel responsibility comes with freedom.So i need to get more responsible. Now exposed to the whole world I can feel that till now I was under a safety cover of my family. The cover which was like the shield which protected me from all evil. Like a bird protects its children till they are ready to fly, every parent does the same. And today the time has come when the bird is ready to fly but still very afraid to be lost in the large sky which no more provides the protective shield. I wish I could always have dis shield along with me. But That would never be the case from now. Home is home and no better place to home. Mom's food and care and concern (which always appeared to be like intervention into my life) would be missed and I would wait with longing thoughts to come back HOME.

At these last hours i m blank without any thoughts,any feelings, not happy not sad. Just wanna be flown away by life the way it wants me to go. But yeah getting back the same life that I have had at bbsr would be impossible. Even when i come back to settle down here at my heaven it wont be the same like now. Life would have changed then. With fingers crossed I leave.

Babbye Bhubaneswar.
MISS U A LOT and the years that u gave me to live were the sunniest moments of my life.

Bye

LOVE YOU

PARZANIA - unfolding the truths of life

Parzania - just the word would suffice if you have gone through it.

I'm speechless and what's going through the mind is nothing but words,words that hold the truths of life. Never expected that a movie can change my idealogies and my complete thought process.

Gandhi never had been the one I supported. Non-violence was never my cup of tea. But violence was never witnessed too. The whole events that had taken place in Godhra and the whole of Gujarat, never bothered me and I never took an avid interest in it because it didnt occur to me. I knew lives were lost,people were butchered and innocence was massacred. An eye for an eye has engulfed the whole world. But I was unmoved.

But this picturization has such true aspects which has opened my eyes to the truths. Violence for any reason is never a solution. Thats the biggest lesson that I learnt. Godhra was no doubt a cowardly act by the people who wanted to disrrupt the peace, but the retaliation was never the solution. Moved by the violence in the movie I just can't imagine the reality. The actual happening can never be felt unless witnessed by yourself. The pain, the outcry and the blood were enough for one to experience what it would have meant to the people who were affected.

We watched news, read newspapers and discussed but our lives moved on smoothly. But there are people whose life would never get smooth. They have lost. And the most pathetic part in all this is the government. The sole responsibility of the situation is of the Government. U can't claim to have brought back life to normal having provided compensation. We are not talking of tables, chairs or furnitures. God damn we are talking of people, the lives. How can you compensate dat with just some ransome?

The government could have easily stopped it but it turned blind eye. And for the first time I hate being a Hindu. I hate myself because I have had this feeling that the sangh is working for the people. But how come ?? By the sangh I mean the VHP, RSS and also the political form of it as BJP. But that does not mean that the other parties are good enough. Where was the opposition party when this all occurred. I know its all vague to discuss it now or to question when it has all died out. But we still need to find the solution to it. The whole system has been politicised and sold in the name of religion. Religion should be one's reason to live and survive but not to kill. Any act of terror is always a act against your own religion.

But after all this, were the true culprits caught and punished ? I can still see the government of Gujarat living its happy life and the most unbelievable thing is that how could the same person be re-elected after the state has seen so much ? Is it that people have gone blind eye or the whole process of election was also manipulated ? But the bottom line is that violence is no solution. And somehow now I feel Gandhi was never wrong with his ways of nonviolence. Definitely he must have been strong enough to practise it when the whole country was being killed and cruelity was on the peak. But nonviolence and non co-operation have definitely earned the freedom. But why dont we realise it with such instances from history. Godhra and the after effects would no doubt be a black spot but should also be a learning lesson for one and all. And those who are taking the path to violence should give it a try and at least watch Parzania before leaping into the fire. What Parzania has shown, hardly anyother movie has done that.

Rahul Dholakia has done a great job by making this movie closest to reality though reality is not even one percent of it. But each move and scene has been very thoughfully carved out and not to forget the superb performance by all the actors and the actresses with special mention of Naseeruddin Shah and Sarika.

The under current of the movie is the sacrifices that parents give for their children. A child is more than anything else in the whole world for a father/mother. Naseeruddin's expressions make u feel like a dad and u can very well imagine yourself in his position and I hope I become someone like the character dat Naseeruddin played.

Life is so different from what we see and a single event can change one's whole life and it would never be the same ever. There are greater meanings to life than just coffee and sitting idle at home and enjoying a news in the news channels which have been commercialised too.

Awake and Act.

Do Relationships Decay ?

A thought which struck me long back. But I wanted to think on it first. And somehow today while interacting with a friend I got to hear something called boredom in relationships. A nice question asked - What if a relationship gets bored which is perfectly on the right track ? Everything is well and fine but what if someone feels bored and finds no 'Charm' in the relationship. That was tricky. My instant answer was then how do people marry and they don't get bored and continue to live life together till end. I still feel that its just the effect of western culture thats affecting our thought process. Someone would not have found this question a decade back. When it comes to relationship commitment is the key ingredient. Its not that we get into a relationship for our own self. I feel its for both the persons. this used to be the scenario before. But now any relationship you consider thr is a selfish reason. Thats our expectations and our own interest in it. Once our interest and expectations are fulfilled we feel the boredom. Is it natural or we keep expecting more and more which makes it boring and monotonous ? Arent we expecting too much from our relationships ???? Are we seriously looking for each other's happiness ? Are we getting into a materialistic world ???? All these questions tend to answer my own question " Do Relationships Decay".

Now coming to my very own question, I feel that every relationship comes with an expiry date. The moment the date ie the period expires the relationship starts to decay. Exactly like our Planet or a Star does. The decay may be spontaneous or very gradual which may not appear. But there is this decay that exists. I am not speaking of only one type of relationship. What I am talking of is every kind of relationship, may it be marriage, friendship, brotherhood, child-parent or even the kind that can't be named(which come at different level,something between love and friendship) . We can say it to be losing the charm or getting boredom. It may not be only materialistic reason for such decay. As we move on in life and we meet different people, our own thought process changes. Our requirements change. Our environment change. The same people with whom we used to be so close seem to be quite incapable of understanding out plight. Or we tend to lose our own sharing ability. We meet new people who belong to our own environment who can be more comfortable with. The comfort level is what matters. Slowly but steadily every relationship, even the ones we think is immortal starts to decay.

And who is it to be blamed for such occurance ? Is it we. Is it our selfish attitude. Is it our needs which change. I would prefer considering it to be time. Time changes everything. Even our needs. Well our environment too plays a critical role in this process. Another thing is our tight schedule and our busy life which leaves us with no time to analyse such changes and gives us no time to set everything right and to stop the process of decay.

Previously I used to be quite bothered when I used to lose contact or find that there exists no more the same kind of intimacy with people who mattered a lot in my life. I used to take it quite seriously and feel lost. Now I look back and find that every relationship that I used to be in, has changed with time. And its quite drastic too. Beginning from my own family members to my friends and even to my foes. The intensity of hatred that I used to have for some foe or person has decreased and I can say that I dont even consider him/her to be a foe anymore. It hardly matters whether he/she exists or not, whose existence on the surface of earth was a big botheration for me some years back !!

Same is the case with my friends and family too. Many people who mattered to me a lot, are no more in contact though they still matter a lot in my life. But its just that the process of decay has changed everything. It definitely hurts to look back and find that so much has changed. I wish I could get back to that time and make up everything the way it were. But that's not possible.

Well, now I feel that I need to accept each change. I need to look ahead to the new relationships that are waiting to be made. I need not stop and I should let life play its role. The best thing we can do is play our part best in any relationship, give in our best efforts to build it and be happy that it occurred. And regarding the past lost relationships we should again be happy that it was our part to be played and we played well and gave our 100 percent efforts. And that which was destined took place and we are at a better place. Here comes the true beleif in God, the supreme Power who regulates every action of ours and my faith increases on "Jo hota hai achhe ke liye hota hai".

I can thus watch each of my relationship decaying slowly but steadily. The watch is On !