Silence Kills, Speak Up

Silence can be deceptive. Speak up, you may never get a chance to say what you wanted to.

The Void Within

2 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

Begin the journey towards love, in order to fill your internal void.
Emptiness makes you feel as if you are hollow on the inside. I recently asked a friend, “how are you feeling?” and he replied, “I feel like I am rattling around over the face of the earth.” This response overflows with a feeling of being lost and alone or the ‘empty’ feeling.
It speaks of experiencing yourself as having no sense of belonging or purpose. If you ask yourself the question: “how am I feeling right now?” and the answer is “empty” or “numb,” for no apparent reason, it is a sure sign of being disconnected from yourself or blocking off from your own feelings.
This suggests that you are either repressing deep pain or fear or maybe you have experienced a pattern of being neglected, probably from an early age. I have often facilitated quiet meditations with people to help them to make contact with their deep inner core and often they will say “I feel nothing.”
Neglect or trauma in our past can make us hide away our precious souls that we don’t even know how to begin to connect with our sacred inner selves. Being separate from yourself is the ultimate loneliness. We are neglected as children if our needs and wants are continually not heard and we are left to our own devices.
One of the most important self development processes is deficient in this type of upbringing: that of validation. The journey of understanding, trusting and responding to your feelings, begins when your early caretakers regard and direct your myriad of emotions in a loving way.
This validation process empowers you to makes sense of your unique needs, wants and responses to the world and in this way you begin the journey of knowing who you really are on the inside. As an adult we self validate ourselves by continually confirming who we are through our words, actions and life decisions. We also self validate by finally accepting ourselves with all our shortcomings.
Don’t keep running away from yourself. Problems will arise if you simply focus on filling the void. We devour volumes of self-help books or study psychology. We even take the empty feeling literally, as being hunger and we binge on food, cigarettes, take drugs and generally put whatever we can into our mouths.
Keeping yourself busy is another way to dull the experience of yourself. Unfortunately, at the end of every busy patch there’s always a lull and then ‘empty’ returns with a sick familiarity. It must be said that it is invigorating and vital to do exciting things, you just need to locate your intentions. If you are doing all because of a need to run away from yourself it is an impossible task.
The more lasting solution to filling the void is to begin to have a relationship with yourself that is meaningful and enjoyable enough to sustain you through the empty moments. It is important to consider how social conditioning has made an impact on your direction and choices in your life. For instance, we have been taught that being selfish is wrong and that taking care of others and sacrificing our own wants and needs is real giving.
On top of this our ego driven model of living then coaches us to believe that we can only be fulfilled if we are young, attractive, thin and have loads of all the right things. The end result is that we feed our self esteem from the outside first. In other words we focus on others needs and on what others think or say about us; we strive to have the most stylish career, the most chic clothes, the most envied relationship, the apartment with all the trimmings and so on.
This can be termed the weak ego. Believing that we will find the answer to self-fulfilment and happiness from acquiring more or doing more. Social conditioning has brought us up in a way that actually diminishes real self-knowledge and grounded self-esteem. Your search for happiness is really your yearning for your own self.
The biggest test of how you really value yourself is when you imagine being stripped of everything and then ask the question: can I still respect, accept, trust and nurture myself? Can you feel connected to your beautiful life force within which feels solid and fluid at the same time. This takes enormous courage. Be still with yourself and allow yourself to contemplate who you really are, on the inside. Learn to meditate or pray; Begin a validation journal and start to record thoughts and feelings once a day.
Practice focusing on the here and now as often as you can. Remind yourself that you really only have this moment. Stop worrying about the future and rehashing the past. Make a commitment to yourself to protect and treasure your life force energy, everyday, in a positive and gentle way. Only through practicing acceptance can you begin to change. Open yourself to love by softening your heart. Recognise the beauty and wonder in the world and in others. The most healing way to fill your internal void is to begin the journey towards love.

Being Lonely

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Being surrounded by friends, family, colleagues and strangers makes an impression that we are quite well off in life. Having everyone around and hanging around with friends at shopping malls and watching a movie does make us feel involved. We enjoy, chat, and have the moments which we cherish for lifetime.
But sometimes questions arise in the mind about our own self. Is this what we always want from life?
Sometimes this thought haunts me more than anything else. What is it that we live for? When we don't have a mission in life and we don't know where we are heading to we feel lost. Lost in the wild woods. We may be surrounded by hundreds people and life must be real fast and busy but still we would find something wanting. The loneliness prevails. Being lonely does not mean being alone. People misunderstand the word lonely and alone. You may be alone but you may not be lonely but even if you are not alone you might always stand a chance of being lonely.
There seems to be complete void and you fail to relate to anyone around you. Nothing seems to of your kind. No one seems to understand. Not even you yourself. Deep within your soul you thrive for something which makes the heart restless and mind unstable. Then you would like to settle down and be with yourself and prefer to be alone to introspect. This may sound spiritual or philosophical but this is exactly what occurs to each one of us.
Loneliness then becomes a part of life. What exactly you feel is your hunger for the future and thirst for the past. Life gets tough and hard to lead. The best way to overcome such circumstances is to confront a trusted friend of yours who listens to your problems. It may seem that there isn't any problem but when you speak out your hidden desires, ambitions, dreams and let your emotions vent it feels great. Sharing emotions and knowing that the other person exactly understands what one wants to convey, sets everything right. The sigh of relief from the heart can be felt.
There is no solution to loneliness but tenderness and soft feelings of words does make a difference.

The Mirage of Life

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Life is a mirage. Mirage of hot summer where survival is not at its best. Each moment the longing thirsty heart waits for the way out of it. Taking each step forward gets as tough as giving life to a dead. But still one keeps trying to make the dead speak out as though the death would be the end of everything.
Life would keep kicking you for the worst. And you think there is something hidden out there for the rest. Twists and turns keeps one on the heel till the eternal end of the thriller called Life. You expect, you feel, you think, you dream, you aspire, you plan, you act and at the end of it all you prepare for the worst because life can always throw an unhandled exception.
Change which is the only constant is another deadly combination alongwith life. As it is always said, "Man proposes God disposes" makes one strong and bold knowing life is just a mirage. What we always look forward to and view as a likely possibility , we always realise it was just a mirage of the desert.
Life can promise everything for the longing heart which feels. We take decisions and start our action plan. But are we the ones who are taking the decision?
It's life which takes them for us and we take the responsibility for it. And the worst thing of it all is no looking back. You are standing in this vast desert where you are reeling under the sun and there is no scope of going back to where you started from. You even don't know the end of it. You look forward and what you find is all the same, where at some place way ahead you see a ray of hope. 'Hope', which makes you walk faster defying the sun and as you get closer to what you thought to be the end is just yet another beginning to another mirage. But we are yet at another cross road! Another beginning of Life. You start afresh and people call it LIFE.

Life so Far

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Don't know where to start has finally started showing its true color...

how can i live so comfortable life ????

can i ever do so ?

do i have the right to enjoy dat life ???

thoughts and emotions sometimes are speechless..and today same is the case words to express what it is.
Seems like its been ages I have spoken. Dat i have had a night's good sleep. why is it so always with me ?
why does life can't give me a chance to live ?

why why why ????

As i move on and look back to my last post i find nothing the same. everything has changed and taken a drastic turn.

who is it ?

Evening Life is Back !

1 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

It had been more than 2 months that I had not seen dusk...and I had not seen the twilight...
evening for me had been a dream. We used to get into the office building in d morning and getout of it in the late night. It was after so long time that I got a chance to move around in the evening under the open sky....many thoughts flashed through the mind...right from the school days of playing cricket in the evening was a must followed by the memories of my engg college days when we all friends would sit at the OAT or the stairs of the D-Block and have a cool time with the wind blowing swiftly making the environment come alive. Today after so many days here at kolkata i could feel the same breeze and the brisk touch of it.

It was just amazing to feel the breeze and have my head watch the high flying aeroplane shining in the slanting sun light high above. It was an amazing sight to watch after long time. The best thing was that I was completely out of any tension and was so very cool and light...

If that was yesterday then today too wasn't too bad evening. There were moments to cherish and close them in the heart. It must become a habit to come down to the ground floor and sit just on the road divider with the friends and have a few lighter moments and feel the cool of the evening. Evening is such an amazing time which makes the heart fly with the birds flying back home.The twilight falling into the eyes makes everything look so colorful and beautiful. Friends have got closer by now and the compatibility level has definitely been increasing day by day. I wish this continues as long as possible. I wish we have such small moments daily in our lives to make our stay in Tech Mahindra more beautiful. Life no doubt has got lot easier and more promising. Just a wish that all goes well !!

God bless all !

कुछ चटपटी यादें

2 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

वोह जाती है टोह जाने दे
वोह जाती है टोह जाने दे
तुझे प्यार से मतलब है
कहीं से भी आने दे

कितनी आयी कितनी गयी
कितनी आयी कितनी गयी
मगर प्यार न बदला
बस लडकियां बदलती रहीं

यह मेरी कहानी यह मेरी ज़िन्देगानी
यह मेरी कहानी यह मेरी ज़िन्देगानी
आगे का मुझे याद नहीं

दूर से देखा तोह बारिश हो रही थी
दूर से देखा तोह बारिश हो रही थी
पास गया तोह भीग गया

दूर से देखा तोह शेर था
दूर से देखा तोह शेर था
इसलिये पास नहीं गया

यह मेरी कहानी यह मेरी ज़िन्देगानी
यह मेरी कहानी यह मेरी ज़िन्देगानी
न वोह मानी न वोह जानी
बस बह गए मेरे आँखों से पानी

तेरी याद मैं रो रो के हम tub भर दिए
तेरी याद मैं रो रो के हम tub भर दिए
वोह आये और नहा के चल दिए

उसने कहा तुम्हारे पास दिल नहीं है
उसने कहा तुम्हारे पास दिल नहीं है
अपने दिल मैं झांक के देखो ओ जालिम
तुम्हारे पास दो दो हैं

वोह आयी और खुशबु बिखेर के चली गयी
वोह आयी और खुशबु बिखेर के चली गयी
और हम हैं के सूंघते रह गए

The Above were few of the shayari which made the moment light at the end of the ITP session. Dull was the class and all was so different when it all started and it was a very good moment when we all had loads of fun and the best part was this all was made instantly in the classroom with the help of nishanto. I wish there were few more days at ITP training. Well we still have the behavioral training left but don't know how it would be after all the results were out. The retests and their results are yet to finalize many things for the future. I hope everything goes fine and the people who have to appear retests clear all of the papers and join us for the next level of training. I wish everything goes fine.

All the best to all of them !


1 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

The first day seems to be so far from now.Its all past now and gone into the pages of history.But it would never fade away from the memory of all the ITPians for their rest of the life.

As I moved into the class only one thing that I identified was only me and me. All unknown faces around made me feel lost in the crowd. It was all very exciting though !

Days passed by and the programmer seemed to be so long and never ending. But today we have reached the end of it and I can definitely say that life of each one of us has taken a drastic turn. Twists and turns make it appear so interesting but going through all that was never easy.

Few faces that weren't familiar enough have now left impression for lifetime. Few voices which were never heard would always keep ringing and the ears would wait desparately to hear from them which isn't quite possible in the future. 30 students and one class, not all known to me but yes they are now some part of life. Recreating this life is never possible again.

Working together for two months was never a long period to know everyone perfectly. but was not too short enough to capture them in the heart !!

There won't be those fights with the person who came up as a big surprise like a gust of wind loud and clear banging into the ears. I was taken by surprise and instantly we went along to be known for our mischievious arguments and leg pulling. Enjoying all that was really a good experience to carry along to the future.

At this point when i sit in the class (supposedly the last formal day of technical training) how can I forget those coffee breaks and lunch breaks. Those were the peak hours of masti and enjoyment. Back to days where we worked long hours in the night. Quite a different experience with lots of interaction with people with whom I would have never known without working long. Sundays and saturndays being weekends never stopped us from coming to office. Thinking of those days, I just cherish those moments of enthrwall and frolick.

Few great friends coming up to make a good bond for the future were never far off in being close to heart. Mention of those names would not be a fault in any case -
Vinay, Chetan, Sutapa, Premjit, Manish, Bijeta, Swagatika, Afsana, Sana, Jyoti, Tanushri, Priya, Sandeep, Tintin, Rudra, Suman, Nishant and Sumit.
All these people would be there in the heart and mind even though we would move ahead in different directions and may not get next chance to be together again.

ITP might end, but life hasn't ended yet with high hopes and quite a lot of emotions attached with this event. Waiting to get another chance to be with one of them. Wit crossed fingers(not for peace tough ;) ) , I wish everyone get through and makes it big in their own way.

Three cheers ....for ITP !!

Aisi Aankhein Nahin Dekhi

0 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

Aisi aankhein nahin dekhi
Aisa kajal nahin dekha
Aisa jalwa nahin dekha
Aisa chehra nahin dekha

Jab yeh daman hawa de
Aag jungle main laga de
Jab yeh sehraon main jaye
Ret main phool khilaye

Aisi duniya nahin dekhi
Aisa manjar nahin dekha
Aisa aalam nahin dekha
Aisa dilbar nahin dekha

Uske kangan ka khanakna
Jaise bulbul ka chehakna
Uski paajeb ki cham cham
Jaise barsaat ka mausam

Aisa sawan nahin dekha
Aisi baaris nahin dekhi
Aisi rim jhim nahin dekhi
Aisi khwahish nahin dekhi

Uski bebak si baatein
Jaise sardi ki ho raatein
Uff yeh tanhayi yeh masti
Jaise toofan main kasti

Meethi koyal si hai boli
Jaisi geeton ki rangoli
Surkh gaalon pe pasina
Jaise babul ka mahina

Aisi aankhein nahin dekhi
Aisa kajal nahin dekha
Aisa jalwa nahin dekha
Aisa chehra nahin dekha

Crossed Fingers

2 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

Crossed Fingers – Not of any importance to anyone other than me. It may represent something else to others. But for me it’s Peace. Peace against fight, Peace for fun, Well I don’t know what it means and what I am up to out here. But yeah, I want those crossed fingers to open up and keep me on the firing line. Been ages; I have been on peace. Peace for all sounds so good. So satisfactory! Peace should prevail. But not of this kind within me. Though this is peace for some, but I am fighting yet another war within. War of minds., war of egos, war of thoughts. This fight with crossed fingers does not look good neither does it feel great. Open finger fights are any day better.

I just can’t keep myself in peace anymore. The fingers are still crossed and I feel like I am dead. These fingers have remained crossed and would remain crossed. No other option of having the opportunity to open my fingers and start fighting. Noting exists anymore!!

Being in peace for is similar to be dead. I want to start living. Start afresh someday and live my life with open fingers. Crossed fingers hurt.

I want to live again…
I want to live again…

I want to live.

I am not Dead

Kyun TUM

0 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

Kyun mujhe kuch yaad aa rahi hai,
Kyun mujhe tumhari who lipte hue julphen yaad aati hain
Kyun tumhari aankhon ki harkatein mujhe satati hain

Kyun tumhari un aankhon ka intezaar hai jaise
Ke ek baar aaj unhe main chu lun apne aankhon se
Ke aaj tumhari aankhon main kahin kho jaun main

Woh jhuki si palkein kuch keh rahi ho jaise
Kyun mere dil main ek awaaz gunj rahi hai aise
Aisi aankhein nahin dekhi jo mujhe apne se alag kar rahi ho jaise
Lekin kyun aaj khudko khone ka gam nahin hai mujhe

Aisa kya hai jo mujhe tumhari who baatein yaad aati hain
Kabhi aisa toh nahin hua tha ke tumhari yaad aane ki zaroorat thi is dil ko
Toh fir kyun aaj mera dil tumhari aankhon se baat kar raha hai

Mujhe pata hai ke un aankhon main nami hai kahin
Lekin kyun who mujhse nazarein churati hain…

Hai in aankhon ko tumhari zaroorat,
Tumhare hoton ki hai mujhe intezaar
Ke tumhari hoton ki thar tharati aahat ko main mehsoos karun

Tumhari unglian hain khilte kamal ke pankh jaisi
Kyun mera mann aaj unhe thamne ko hai bekarar
Tumhari bikhre hue latayen,
galon ko chum rahi ho jaisi shararat ki hai khayal unhe

Aaj mera mann hai bekarar kuch kehne ko tumhare kaano main
Bas hai yeh ek khayal meri

lekin kyun mera dil kehta hai…
kyun mera dil….kehta hai…
kyun tum itni yaad aati ho..
kyun mujhe kuch yaad aa rahi hai…

Sound of Soil

2 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

Tanmay Bose !!
The name is sufficient for anyone who has witnessed him ever.
When I heard about his concert at Swabhoomi, I was not that sure about his talent or about his aura. But anything related to classical music and of the sort has always fascinated me. There have been times in the past when I have been quite inclined towards it. Classical music has the perfect blend to make your nerves get electrified. This was proved by Tanmay Bose.
A perfect ambiance to start with. Perfectly located with the open air waiting to be blown away by his concert. Never during the whole concert did I feel that it was a classical concert. Perfect blending of east and the west. The best part was the way the instruments that we generally find in a rock show giving support to the classical music. It was as if the instruments were in their best form.
One thing that touched deep into my heart was "Music is not entertainment...its dedication and focus which brings about this magic".
The other thing that was quite amazing was that classical music can be so rocking which I had never realized before. Unbelievably I found myself banging head to the jugalbandi of Tabla, Mrudang and Pasa(not sure what it is called). The jugalbandi was a great display of musical talent in the whole troop. Tanmay Bose was again superb in creating magic with tabla. The co-ordination was something to be looked at. It almost blew myself out with appreciation and surprise as well.
The music was so original and to the base of being classical that it could justify the name of the whole concert. As if sounds were coming from the five elements with which our world is made up off. Its often said that classical music can create fire and make rain. And now i realize that's not impossible. Quite possible. The other side of classical music is that it brings about so much of happiness and balance to the soul that it erased pain and calms you down to the lowest level of energy with positivity flowing within like a current. People generally comment classical music to be boring and slow but this display made me realize how wrong we had been. It was no less than a rock show which makes you dance to the music. I had my legs and hands moving and for a moment I had the feeling of standing up and dancing to the tunes and the beats.
Another item was east vs west. The eastern packed instruments and the western modern drums and co...For a moment i got confused whether the vocalist was trying to present the sound of the instruments or the instruments were singing like a human. It was really tough to distinguish which was which. All sounds were similar and synchronous that it gave a perfect feel to the ears. With all this it was crystal clear to distinguish the sound of each and every instrument being played. It also turned out to be a jugabandi towards the end and was really amazing to find the vocalist competing with the sounds of the instruments. Just perfect !!
There was a moment when tabla's echoing sound was perfectly caught by the vocalist in his rhyming tone. Just amazing is all I can say.
Thanks to Sutapa for giving this opportunity to experience this event of lifetime. My faith in classical music has been more strengthened by this concert and my belief in our own culture has been rooted deep within me. Our heritage and culture goes long back which the western music can never catch up with and I bet had there been any linking park or britney spears, they would have failed to create the magic that Tanmay Bose could create. They could not have even stood beside him and try and make a jugalbandi. Forgot to mention about the bass being produced by the guitarist. It was even more than any professional rocker from the west with the best of the best electrical/electronic guitar.If you love banging head to rock music then you should have definitely experienced today's concert. It had all in it to make it a PERFECT show.
Hats off to Tanmay Bose and his team for creating the magic and thanks to Sutapa for this great evening.
Thanks to Her once again.

Way back to School Days

3 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

Songs from the yesteryear sometimes knock my head and just bring down everything just like a flash.
Heard to the songs of Mann after long time and suddenly many things flooded in. Last year at School is what i want to get back to. Heard to khushiyan aur gum for the first time at Chicku's home. Those evenings at her place would always be some of the best days. Remembering everything is so great. Feels like i am at her place having chit chats and waiting for sir to come. Those winter chilling evening when i used to go with dad to her place were never aware of where i would be after seven long years. Its just like yesterday. The study table, the text books, the chair, the TV in drawing room, aunty's hand made food, the idli,the dosa,the vada,Sipun's cycle,the Sofa,the gate to her home, the verhanda are so much familiar to me that i sometimes feel like going back and sit there and study my 10th once more. Knowing everything to be impossible and being practical is so different.
One of the most important things which we used to discuss during those days was whether we would be in contact after school or not. But somehow we have managed doing so in a great way. A single call to Chicku right after the song made me quite happy that we have made the impossible possible. Being in touch and remaining the same way as we were wasn't that easy but we have made it. Discussing everything that we did after seven years gives the satisfaction that we have lived each and every moment just so perfectly. Those walks to the tuition and coming back in the late evening and then finally waiting at her home for dad to pick me up are so fresh. So very cute.
Life has taken both of us in different paths and there is this situation where we are not aware of each others' life but still whenever we get in touch we are the same old friends. Talking to her is the same.
The second thing discussed during school days was about my first love. But it no more exists and i am finally out of it all. Chicku used to be so bothered when will i forget everything and move ahead to make a career of my own. And now I am well set and made my career. Cant say that i have made it big but all i can say that i have come a long way from where i was. Never ever in my dreams did i imagine that I would be writing this down even after seven years and i would be remembering everything so well. But that's what is the case.
These songs may not mean anything to others but they carry a lot of value in form of my memories. The first time i heard to that song and how it had touched me so much. Everything makes me nostalgic but again i am happy. A smile is the last thing that i can avoid while thinking of that. After all childhood is the best time in one's life.

I Still blv dat relationships Decay

2 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

Few months back I had posted something on Decaying of relationships.After that post there had been many discussions with different people and somewhere deep within i had felt that my thoughts were contradicting my own beliefs.
But circumstances do make me feel once again that i was correct with my belief. I can still reiterate my words and say that yes relationships decay.
Lost faith on strangers !
Why do i trust strangers so early ? Why do i keep repeating my own mistakes ? Why dont i realise the truths of the world ? why do i expect so much from others and finally why do i bother for others when they hardly care or realize?????????
questions whose answers i don't need to know. I know what i am and what can be one can change me or the way i think and in the process i have been hurt quite often just because i trust them so much. But everyone in this world was a stranger when we walked in to the world but we made relationships and it was trust and faith which has been the ingredients of all these. Right from having faith in the person whom we didn't know and then slowly calling her mom , we have trusted each and everyone who has come across us. Still I have not been the best in taking decisions regarding people. Well that's my weakness. I sometimes need to open my eyes before i move ahead with my trust. But again why do people play with it when they know that someone cares ?
It was never friendship and I thought that I lost a Friend !
Talked to Jimmy on AIR....had been really impressed with DIL SE and had been eager to talk to him. I just wanted to let him know that he has been doing a fabulous job. But I definitely wanted him to connect me to one of those persons whom I wanted to say sorry...but then it was too late (2.30am)and i didn't want that person to find another reason to be angry with me. But it was really good to talk to Jimmy and find a few good thoughts. The best thing that he said was "Be Yourself" and that has really boosted me up in being what I am.
Talking to him, I have somehow got this feeling of being an RJ. Its really interesting job. While talking to Jimmy I could feel the background sound and the environment. I just got this idea of trying hand at that too...but i need time to nurture this dream and who knows some day I land up doing what I always wanted to. All on destiny though....
Pune or not ???
Puzzle solved...I would definitely try to go to Pune...Make all the efforts to get transferred to Pune...had been thinking over this since long and finally today i felt that i should make this move. The place which i had been loving initially has suddenly made me quite uncomfortable. Few unwanted events and I find no enthusiasm in staying back. The most important reason that I have found the environment to be cool no more exists. There always exists some disturbance within. Not capable of coping with it I would choose to opt out of Kolkata. Venture into the new life at Pune. I hope I get my posting at Pune. But now, all depends on my PSG Head and I have my fingers crossed for the time to come.
Fingers crossed somehow mean something else to me. It means ....anyways will come to that in some other post.
Plans are made to be changed. Had planned to go to B'lore in Puja vacation to meet all friends.Even plans of mumbai and Pune from there was all set...but these all vanished like a Monday blue...cant take leave since my training would not have been over by then...that's ridiculous...damn training...what wud happen to the plans ?
what about my friends ?
wen will i meet them ?
Been quite nostalgic off late...those pics which had been locked in the DVD were opened and parsed through to let the memories come in and make it rain....was quite happy though...coz i was going to B'lore to meet all of them. But then all crashed and now its all in the dust and no plans as of now....
Pathetic life...

What was it ?

0 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

A day with nothing new with few different incidents that keep changing life on the long run. Definitely things occurring on a single day won't be that big but they sum up over a period of time in deciding the future course of anything...that was for something not that big an issue but definitely a heated one which kept me under my own skin for the whole of the day...but the late evening was something different.

What was that I felt ? well cant be explained was meeting that i had been planning since days which was fruitful finally and it was was so peaceful...perfectly the way i had thought off...setting off from office from 7.40pm i was quite sure it would be a successful and great meeting...well for those thinking it to be an official meeting, please note that it isnt anything professional...its completely personal...
but i felt real peace at heart and mind...i could say that i could feel God and every step and action of mine was as if controlled my Him. till I got back there was that power which stayed with me.May be it goes everywhere with me but its not quite obvious but definitely when I remember Him i find his blessings along with me...thats what makes me have my faith intact...elated to a different level of happiness and pious state I can sense nothing good for my current doings...have i gone on the wrong lane ?
should i come back before its too late ?
these are few questions that remain...

Miss You Dear

0 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because i know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when i lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other;for those were some of the best times of my life


0 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

The Namesake !!
This word is self explanatory. The book was a great piece of work. Not to forget the movie either. The movie very well portrays the true picture of 1970s depicting the difference in social life at India and at US. Well I wont get into the movie and the review but the reason why I thought of writing about this is that this movie has quite a few resemblances to my life as well. though not in exact sense but definitely the way the love of parents has been worked upon gives the sense of reality.
There was a scene in the movie where Irfan(dad) takes his son Gogol(in childhood) to the sea shore and then to the dead end whr the stones meet the sea. The way Irfan has gone through the scene and the emotions that were pouring through the whole sequence I could nt stop imagining my child hood. It was for the first time that I realized what family means to me. Being far away from home I had never ever missed home and i was comfortably living my life except missing bhubaneswar and my friends. But when it came to my own family it was never missed cause being i always took it for granted. Anyone who has watched the movie would definitely feel wat i amd talking about. The perfect story to open ones eyes. Currently Dad,Mom,Sis and me all are at four different places and quite similar to the movie and I being Gogol though not in complete sense. But yeah I definitely hardly bothered abt my family.
This movie touched so much deep into my heart that my thoughts have changed and for the first time i missed my family a lot and wished if i could get into my childhood once again start living those beautiful moments once again. each and every moment of childhood flash before my eyes as if it was a movie running in front of my eyes.
It was 17thAugust night which I would hardly forget in my whole lifetime.
Frankly speaking I had never sent a miss u sms or a card to dad or mom or sis, but it was on this night that i sent miss u message to all three of them and I know they too realized how deeply I missed them because i did something which i never did earlier.All i can say is that the movie shows how the Russian Author Gogol changed the life of Irfan but here Irfan has definitely brought about a change in me. There is no doubt about it.
Namesake is a must watch for someone who wants to realize what family means and what children mean to their parents. What the parents undergo in bringing up their children and how its too late wen in fact we start realizing.
Lots of changes have come in these few days and that's why I have said earlier in my blog that i have seen life so much in these days which i have never seen in my lifetime.
May this change come for the GOOD !

Man's Proposal at the hands of God's Disposal

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Man proposes and GOD disposes. This is what I have always believed.

This philosophy is what has made me survive till now.
Before coming to Kolkata I had always been happpy regarding one thing. It was Satru's presence which had made me take my posting at kolkata to be a positive signal. May be it was god's plan to bring both of us together to work towards our dreams. But when I reached here at Kolkata I hardly had any time to visit his place and have some good quality time being spent. And the worst thing that could occur to our plans was that Satru got transferred to BBSR last month itself.

Earlier it was always planned and discussed that we two would get together and some real big projects would be undertaken. We could easily meet each other on weekends and be thr once i settle down.

It was yesterday that i was completely free and down with emotions. I was damn condused. thr was noone at my place and I wished if Satru had been there with me. May be i needed him the most at that point of time and this was the tragedy that we both are not at the same place. It was after many months when I realised his absence. Few confusions that raised in my mind would have been solved immediately once we had met but that was never been the case. And at this point i would like to share a secret.

If anyone has any thing to search for and solve his problem on the internet then there is Google and anyone wishing to solve his problem in life there is Jubul !!

well jubul is none other than Satrujeet. Thats what is all about him. I wish he was here with me at kolkata, then these problems and confusions would have never bothered me.


1 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

Huh !!

Its been long time that I have been with myself. Getting back to own form and trying to be urself is so good. It was at bbsr dat I had visited blogspot and written something. There have been frequent visits to my own profile but I have nt found the right time to get along and sit for my own thoughts to get the priority.

Supposedly it was the last time when I was quite nostalgic about my leaving bbsr. More than a month and I am through loads of things in life. Seems like I have seen a lot in this one month, even more than what I would have seen in my whole lifetime. And believe it or not, I have seen life close enough in these few days.

Its not happening yaar…don’t know whr to start from and where to end. One month is such a long time that there are many things which just need to be mentioned. But again this one month passed so quickly that it seems to be just like a flash.

But yeah, I can get along and make a move now. Kolkata was not that great as expected. Few of my previous blogs have gone regarding Kolkata and how this city of joy had proved itself. But suddenly as I reached this time to start my new life, Kolkata was no more a city of joy. The 1st week at kolkata was a nightmare for me. May be it was just a testing period which I had to survive in. And I survived ! Lots of struggle and pulling around to settle down and begin life from the scratch at kolkata. Time flew by and blogging was always on my mind. But access to the resources and thoughts was prohibited by time.

The beginning on the BIG day ! 27th July 2007, I joined Tech Mahindra. This was just the beginning and everything went fine and it was then that I had a feeling of getting finally settled and starting life afresh. Few resolutions and responsibilities at the back of the mind made it a steady start. ITP(Initial Training Program) as they say Began from 30 July and we were introduced to our colleagues and the new life. But slowly in just a week I could sense the burden of life. What exactly we were upto. Life revolved round Tech Mahindra. Anything and everything was related to the company. The feeling of being tied down crept in. There was nothing left in life except going to office early morning and coming back late evening. In the meantime, I had made good friendship with my room mates and that was the only thing that could make me survive.
First module test and it was all so different from college. Life rolled on and in no time now I am completely adjusted to this new life. The schedule makes me no more tired. The day I return at around 6.30pm it seems so different. Its always better to stay down at office till 10pm and work hard and have the feeling of satisfaction and come back home to find only the bed waiting most eagerly.

In the process 31st August made another mark in each and everyone’s life. Don’t know about others but definitely this day means a lot since my first salary was credited to my account. And the feeling of being grown up was superb. Though I could not find time on this day to get to the ATM to check my balance, still I believe it holds great importance to me. 1st September 2007 my first withdrawal and then loads of shopping and purchasing.

Well things have changed so much in just a few days that I hardly believe my own self. Just a month back I was never sure if I would make good friends out here and have any sort of life after college. Even for few days after joining I had no idea about what is in store for me. Ticking clock has taken the charge and now we are at not far from the day when out training would get over. Just 20days from now our ITP would be over. But never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would miss ITP and ITPians so much. The thought of the end has made me think twice about it. I have suddenly started loving my office environment, my work load, the stress, the people around and most importantly the group of people I have been around since a month. Though one month was never a big time to know them but definitely there has been some attachment for them. As I know myself very well this is not a new thing. But still this attachment word has started a new turmoil within me. Many things have touched me. Professional and personal life need to be kept different. But what exactly do I mean by the both and where should I draw a line?
Does it mean that I can’t be personal to my colleagues? Why do I think it to be so?
Why do I have to think about it so much? Don’t people working in office make friends? How far these people keep this friendship? I sometimes get to hear “this is no college!! And we are colleagues….not friends….”
This makes me quite apprehensive regarding my own way of dealing with people around me. The fear of missing ITP has made me do something which I have never done.

Detachment is the key to happiness.
Therefore not being attached to anything or anyone is only solution. People have taken this step differently and believe I have gone nuts and just trying to be professional. But I know what I am doing and what is correct from me at this stage. But there exists some attachment at this point and I need to overcome that. Now the most important question for me is to give an option for Pune center or not. Before coming to Kolkata I always had in mind that I would be opting for Pune once my ITP ends. But now after this one month of stay at kolkata I am in two minds. Practically speaking pune would be better since it gives more of options being the headquarters. But logically speaking I am already settled at this place and it’s been really tough to get down to this state. Settling at Kolkata was never an easy task. And now that I have finally got kind of lifestyle and a good friend circle(rather colleagues which some would like me to address) I don’t have that mental strength to go through all that once again which occurred to me when I came to Kolkata. Well I would have to leave some day and dats the way life in IT industry is. But I don’t want this to happen so early when I am quite satisfied with my current life and the way it’s rolling on. Staying down at kolkata would also have few other advantages which are out of the scope of this platform. But in all sense I am confused. Damn confused and rambling mind is eager to find a way out. Thinking of all this makes me wonder how could life change so fast and take different twists and turns in just a month.
Life is kicking !!

Last Night At Heaven

1 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

What should go in someone's mind when he knows he is to leave heaven ???
What should be going on my mind ?
Finally the time has come which I had been waiting for since months...but not always this wait was out of excitement...many a times it was just the fact dat I would be leaving...having spent seven golden years of my life at this place which at the beginning was hell to me, has become my heaven.I know from now on coming back to bhubaneswar wont be the same as it used to be while i stayed here.Things have changed so rapidly.Nothing is left at this place for me.All my friends have left. When I come back wat i wud have is only my emotions and memories of this place. Each road and place at bbsr wud strike me with hundreds of emotions simultaneously, some sweet n some sour...but all would be so good when i come back.
Looking back I have got many things from this some life long relationships and some life long memories. Bhubaneswar was never a place od my liking. I never wanted to come and stay here leaving my school and my place. But having come here and spent these years, I feel these years were not flown by time. It was quite steady process. I dont think time flew by but yeah time gave me everything that I aspired for. Had known that I would be leaving bbsr in 2007 since four years. But never visualized this day.But finally the day has come.I can see everything going around me.Busy with my packing I have nt got the time to think over this moment.But now when all set and I am waiting for only few hours from now, i can feel the bubbles in my stomach. The thought of leaving bbsr doesnt bother me much dan the thought of going to a new place.
Kolkata wud definitely be a a strange city and also a new beginning for my life. Life wont be the same hereafter. For the first time while talking to Dad I could feel the sense of urgency in getting responsible more than what I am now. Dad was really in a different frame of mind which is normally not the way I have seen him since my childhood. There were few words which were uttered and I just took and realized that dad was afraid of losing me. Few of such thoughts rambled around me too. Freedom is no doubt what I had aspired for. But now i feel responsibility comes with freedom.So i need to get more responsible. Now exposed to the whole world I can feel that till now I was under a safety cover of my family. The cover which was like the shield which protected me from all evil. Like a bird protects its children till they are ready to fly, every parent does the same. And today the time has come when the bird is ready to fly but still very afraid to be lost in the large sky which no more provides the protective shield. I wish I could always have dis shield along with me. But That would never be the case from now. Home is home and no better place to home. Mom's food and care and concern (which always appeared to be like intervention into my life) would be missed and I would wait with longing thoughts to come back HOME.
At these last hours i m blank without any thoughts,any feelings, not happy not sad. Just wanna be flown away by life the way it wants me to go. But yeah getting back the same life that I have had at bbsr would be impossible. Even when i come back to settle down here at my heaven it wont be the same like now. Life would have changed then. With fingers crossed I leave.
Babbye Bhubaneswar.
MISS U A LOT and the years that u gave me to live were the sunniest moments of my life.

PARZANIA - unfolding the truths of life

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Parzania - just the word would suffice if you have gone through it.
I'm speechless and what's going through the mind is nothing but words,words that hold the truths of life. Never expected that a movie can change my idealogies and my complete thought process.
Gandhi never had been the one I supported. Non-violence was never my cup of tea. But violence was never witnessed too. The whole events that had taken place in Godhra and the whole of Gujarat, never bothered me and I never took an avid interest in it because it didnt occur to me. I knew lives were lost,people were butchered and innocence was massacred. An eye for an eye has engulfed the whole world. But I was unmoved.
But this picturization has such true aspects which has opened my eyes to the truths. Violence for any reason is never a solution. Thats the biggest lesson that I learnt. Godhra was no doubt a cowardly act by the people who wanted to disrrupt the peace, but the retaliation was never the solution. Moved by the violence in the movie I just can't imagine the reality. The actual happening can never be felt unless witnessed by yourself. The pain, the outcry and the blood were enough for one to experience what it would have meant to the people who were affected.
We watched news, read newspapers and discussed but our lives moved on smoothly. But there are people whose life would never get smooth. They have lost. And the most pathetic part in all this is the government. The sole responsibility of the situation is of the Government. U can't claim to have brought back life to normal having provided compensation. We are not talking of tables, chairs or furnitures. God damn we are talking of people, the lives. How can you compensate dat with just some ransome?
The government could have easily stopped it but it turned blind eye. And for the first time I hate being a Hindu. I hate myself because I have had this feeling that the sangh is working for the people. But how come ?? By the sangh I mean the VHP, RSS and also the political form of it as BJP. But that does not mean that the other parties are good enough. Where was the opposition party when this all occurred. I know its all vague to discuss it now or to question when it has all died out. But we still need to find the solution to it. The whole system has been politicised and sold in the name of religion. Religion should be one's reason to live and survive but not to kill. Any act of terror is always a act against your own religion.
But after all this, were the true culprits caught and punished ? I can still see the government of Gujarat living its happy life and the most unbelievable thing is that how could the same person be re-elected after the state has seen so much ? Is it that people have gone blind eye or the whole process of election was also manipulated ? But the bottom line is that violence is no solution. And somehow now I feel Gandhi was never wrong with his ways of nonviolence. Definitely he must have been strong enough to practise it when the whole country was being killed and cruelity was on the peak. But nonviolence and non co-operation have definitely earned the freedom. But why dont we realise it with such instances from history. Godhra and the after effects would no doubt be a black spot but should also be a learning lesson for one and all. And those who are taking the path to violence should give it a try and at least watch Parzania before leaping into the fire. What Parzania has shown, hardly anyother movie has done that.
Rahul Dholakia has done a great job by making this movie closest to reality though reality is not even one percent of it. But each move and scene has been very thoughfully carved out and not to forget the superb performance by all the actors and the actresses with special mention of Naseeruddin Shah and Sarika.
The under current of the movie is the sacrifices that parents give for their children. A child is more than anything else in the whole world for a father/mother. Naseeruddin's expressions make u feel like a dad and u can very well imagine yourself in his position and I hope I become someone like the character dat Naseeruddin played.
Life is so different from what we see and a single event can change one's whole life and it would never be the same ever. There are greater meanings to life than just coffee and sitting idle at home and enjoying a news in the news channels which have been commercialised too.
Awake and Act.

Do Relationships Decay ?

4 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

A thought which struck me long back. But I wanted to think on it first. And somehow today while interacting with a friend I got to hear something called boredom in relationships. A nice question asked - What if a relationship gets bored which is perfectly on the right track ? Everything is well and fine but what if someone feels bored and finds no 'Charm' in the relationship. That was tricky. My instant answer was then how do people marry and they don't get bored and continue to live life together till end. I still feel that its just the effect of western culture thats affecting our thought process. Someone would not have found this question a decade back. When it comes to relationship commitment is the key ingredient. Its not that we get into a relationship for our own self. I feel its for both the persons. this used to be the scenario before. But now any relationship you consider thr is a selfish reason. Thats our expectations and our own interest in it. Once our interest and expectations are fulfilled we feel the boredom. Is it natural or we keep expecting more and more which makes it boring and monotonous ? Arent we expecting too much from our relationships ???? Are we seriously looking for each other's happiness ? Are we getting into a materialistic world ???? All these questions tend to answer my own question " Do Relationships Decay".
Now coming to my very own question, I feel that every relationship comes with an expiry date. The moment the date ie the period expires the relationship starts to decay. Exactly like our Planet or a Star does. The decay may be spontaneous or very gradual which may not appear. But there is this decay that exists. I am not speaking of only one type of relationship. What I am talking of is every kind of relationship, may it be marriage, friendship, brotherhood, child-parent or even the kind that can't be named(which come at different level,something between love and friendship) . We can say it to be losing the charm or getting boredom. It may not be only materialistic reason for such decay. As we move on in life and we meet different people, our own thought process changes. Our requirements change. Our environment change. The same people with whom we used to be so close seem to be quite incapable of understanding out plight. Or we tend to lose our own sharing ability. We meet new people who belong to our own environment who can be more comfortable with. The comfort level is what matters. Slowly but steadily every relationship, even the ones we think is immortal starts to decay.
And who is it to be blamed for such occurance ? Is it we. Is it our selfish attitude. Is it our needs which change. I would prefer considering it to be time. Time changes everything. Even our needs. Well our environment too plays a critical role in this process. Another thing is our tight schedule and our busy life which leaves us with no time to analyse such changes and gives us no time to set everything right and to stop the process of decay.
Previously I used to be quite bothered when I used to lose contact or find that there exists no more the same kind of intimacy with people who mattered a lot in my life. I used to take it quite seriously and feel lost. Now I look back and find that every relationship that I used to be in, has changed with time. And its quite drastic too. Beginning from my own family members to my friends and even to my foes. The intensity of hatred that I used to have for some foe or person has decreased and I can say that I dont even consider him/her to be a foe anymore. It hardly matters whether he/she exists or not, whose existence on the surface of earth was a big botheration for me some years back !!
Same is the case with my friends and family too. Many people who mattered to me a lot, are no more in contact though they still matter a lot in my life. But its just that the process of decay has changed everything. It definitely hurts to look back and find that so much has changed. I wish I could get back to that time and make up everything the way it were. But that's not possible.
Well, now I feel that I need to accept each change. I need to look ahead to the new relationships that are waiting to be made. I need not stop and I should let life play its role. The best thing we can do is play our part best in any relationship, give in our best efforts to build it and be happy that it occurred. And regarding the past lost relationships we should again be happy that it was our part to be played and we played well and gave our 100 percent efforts. And that which was destined took place and we are at a better place. Here comes the true beleif in God, the supreme Power who regulates every action of ours and my faith increases on "Jo hota hai achhe ke liye hota hai".
I can thus watch each of my relationship decaying slowly but steadily. The watch is On !

Who will see me off ??!!??

0 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

It all started in the month of May.One by one everyone left.
College got over.Friends started their new journey of life. I didn't miss any chance to say the final good bye. Life was taking new twists and turns. I was bound to acccept the things around me. Accepted whatever may it be. Hostelites left finally.
I had just recovered from the state of being alone. Could reorganise my life and move ahead. But again it was time to see off few of the friends who left for their respective joining at different places. Visiting the railway station and airport became a regular habbit and each time I visited these places, they reminded me of the last visit and how painful it had been seeing friends off for the last time. Tears had by then dried out and there were only helpless eyes that waited for my own chance to come.
The Wait is still on.
I had thought that I would be leaving early and tere would be many of my close friends to see me off.But that was not the case. The people who were expected to stay for long had to leave for their joining destinations. Partha and Jyoti were few of them. Never thought in the wildest of dreams that I would see them off...That was quite painful because I was never prepared for it. It really hurts when I find myself all alone out at this place and waiting for my turn to come. I would have my day too. But I won't have these people around to see me off. I know its just a weird thought to expect someone to see me off. But then thats how I am. I am the only person left out at bbsr to see everyone off. Its the toughest part to do. I know it must be sounding quite funny and rediculous but I too feel the need to move on and leave the past behind. But every time someone leaves, it recreates the wounds that were slowly getting healed.
Now tomorrow my very sweet little cousin would be leaving for Delhi. Perhaps today was the last meeting.Life has taken yet another turn. This was the most unexpected things to happen. I had always wished my close family members and friends to be there when I leave. But I always believe "Man Proposes God Disposes".
The million dollar question still remains unanswered !
I don't find people who would see me off ???!!??@@##??

Bachha Party

0 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

I am no more a child and we are no more small enough to fight for a treat. No more trips to dhauli or nandankanan. No more night long shouting around at chandrasekharpur or the day long masti. There is no more the big group of ours with 20 and more number of childeren. There are no more movie plans for the whole of three days. No dancing around on the bed of closed dark rooms on the beats of the rocking songs and neither the day long cricket in the dining space.

What I am talking of is the group of ours that used to exists when we were children. Raza, the festival of three days celebrated in Oriya families used to be one of the most awaited events for us. Being celebrated in the month of June with the first downpour of monsoon kissing the soil, it always had a big celebration time for all of us. With a group of children exceeding a minimum of 20, it need not be mentioned what would be the environment then. May it be elders or children everyone took the advantage of enjoying these three days. A perfect time for family get together with vacations continuing for everyone of us, we were never bothered about what was going around us.

This all has faded away as we grew up and we went to far distant places from each other.Slowly but steadily everyone has come a long way from our childhood days. This year Raza was of course a special one since it saw a comparatively large group formation after around five years. There were many people we missed which includes Kuni Apa, Patu Apa and my own sis Apa. But this Raza found its true colour on the last day when every one of us got together for a party. It was feeling great to have got the chance to recreate our childhood days. The biggest thing of this party was dat it was sponsored by Bhaina and Jhumpi which gave the feeling that finally we are all grown up and got into our adulthood. Barista was superb with its ambiance and the most happening thing was to find elders experiencing our matured and responsible actions. Finally the night long masti was experienced amidst all. A memorable night for each one of us, we (Dulu Mamu, Lutu Mamu, Polly Apa, Tikili Apa, Tiki Bhai, Bhaina, jhumpi, Tinkle, Sonu, Molly, Lolly, Chikun, Sourav and I) spent it on the terrace of 3rd floor playing dumb charades. It was real fun with everyone participating with complete enthusiasm. It was after years that we all had met on this occasion and everyone was also quite aware that it would again be after years to find such an opportunity. Thus not leaving any scope of masti we all kept enjoying till it was 4am in morning. Then it was time to play cards and start another round of fun. With no signs of fatigue we continued to play TAKE 2 till morning 6.30.

16th June 2007, came as a day full of memories of the past and to create few more for the years to come. The mixed feeling of having lost our childhood and having grown up so much that we don’t own the right to do what we used to do before gave me some nausea. Having come of age does not mean that we have lost our freedom to have fun. Does it mean that we need to think more and be formal with our own people? Does it make sense in keeping our mouth shut and sit idle all day long?

But whatever it is, I had a great time and I am definitely going to miss it in years to come. This is probably the last Raza at home and with all my cousins around. Next time there would be many changes like Molly and Lolly won’t be at BBSR, Polly Apa would have got married and I would have got settled at Kolkata and probably won’t have leave to come home during this time. Lot more unexpected is to occur and change. Thus, this becomes all the more special. Days of childhood would be close to heart and our Bachha Party would always stay intact where ever we are.Let’s meet once again next year. Waiting eagerly for yet another such get together with all my dearest ones around.

To listen is so difficult. To listen means to be here, now

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To listen is so difficult. To listen means to be here, now. To listen means to be without any thought. To listen means to be alert and aware. If these conditions are fulfilled, only then you listen. The mind goes on spinning a thousand and one thoughts, and the mind goes on moving — in the past, in the future. How can you listen? And whatever you listen to, it will not be right listening at all.You will listen to something else which has not been said at all, you will go on missing that which is said — because you will not be in tune. To listen well ordinarily means to listen in a deep receptivity. When you listen, if you are arguing, judging, saying, "Yes, this is right because it fits with my ideology and this is not right because it doesn't..." If you are continuously sorting out things inside, you are listening but you are not listening well. You are listening with your past mind interfering. It is not you judging, it is your past. You have read and heard a few things, you have been conditioned for a few things. The past wants to perpetuate itself. It does not allow anything new; it allows only the old that fits with it. To listen rightly means to listen obediently. This word obedience is beautiful. You will be surprised to know that the original root from which the word obedience comes is obedire — it means 'a thorough listening'. If you listen totally you will obey. You will not need any decision on your part. Truth is self-evident. Or as the Jewish tradition says, 'to bare your ear'. If you have really opened your ear and there is no interference and no disturbance inside, and no distraction, you have not only opened your ear, you have opened your heart. And if the seed falls into the heart, sooner or later it will become a tree. Ear locks have to be removed. Fear of truth is the basic lock. You are afraid of the truth because you have lived in lies... for so long that all those lies are afraid, if truth comes they will all have to leave you. The moment you come closer to truth, the mind will become disturbed. It will create much stir, raise much dust, create a cloud around you so that you cannot hear what truth is.

Buddha has said that unless you are fearless you will not attain to truth. When you bow in a church, mosque or temple, to a statue, scripture, or tradition, where is your bowing coming from? Just watch inside — and you will find fear, fear and fear. Faith appears only on death of fear. Faith means trust. How can a fearful man trust? He is always thinking, protecting, defending. How can he trust? To trust, you need courage. To trust, you need to take risk. To trust, you need to move into danger. The Chinese ideogram for crisis consists of two symbols: one means danger, another means opportunity. Yes, that moment is a critical moment when you are facing danger and opportunity, both. If you don't go into danger you will miss the opportunity. If you want opportunity you will have to go into danger. Those who know how to live dangerously, only they are religious.

Excerpted from The Diamond Sutra, courtesy Osho International Foundation/

Google Black

1 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

Google Black is something I didnt know about.It was really amazing to find the science behind it and how it saves energy. This has really impressed me in a sense that google is one of those organisations that work towards the betterment of the people and world.No doubt its just in the process of creating some never thought technology possible which definitely would make people aware of technology. Global warming being one of the most important point of concern, google has certainly found a better way to create awareness and help people protect their own environment. Leading by example google has definitely created a benchmark in this field.
But now its upto the users to come forward and save the energy and save world against global warming.

Kolkata Revisited

0 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

Every trip to kolkata has given me something to cherish about.
Glad that I had such a trip that too at such a critical time of my life.Things were changing pretty fast and the relationships too.People werent far too behind.The beginning of the trip never gave any such hint.But definitely there was some good feeling.Feeling of living my life right from the beginning.
As I was leaving bbsr on 19th of Jan I wanted to leave behind the past.I was quite aware how long the voyage wud be.How tiring it wud be.Just wanted to get busy with life such that I would not get time to think of the past.This is wat I had been doing since years.But may be I had forgotten my own self.

Life has so much to give which we are rarely aware of !!
Never thought at the beginning of the trip that Swyl wud be such a good friend.A person who had been around since 4 years in d same college.But discovered the real him in this trip.The always considered arrogant and outspoken guy cud b so different was really difficult to accept.But truely speaking I knew there was a better side to him.But I had never got a chance to view that.May be this was the day.It was a great experience to be with him and share with him all the thoughts which i hv nt done with many people.Not even with the bestest of my friends.There was something really amazing that made our thoughts and views connect to each other.
Two days were sufficient to know a person whom I could not know for four complete years !! It may b that we sometimes tend to share with people whom we dont know much and we get quite comfortable with.The same was the case with Swyl too.The bottom line is that we made great friends and I wud cherish it for a long time to come.
Shradha was another such person.I met her for the first time at kolkata and few talks were sufficient to make her a friend.She is a completely different person.A stable person with a stable mind.Knows exactly wat she is doing and wat she is capable of.Quite responsible to carry the
loads over her head.Thats wat makes her so different...Few hang outs made her presence felt.Glad to have met such a nice and different person wen trusting an unknown person was never easy for me after all that had happened to me.

Few things are tuff to forget.

A fabulous evening with Swati and Shradha on the steps of the hangout of city center,salt lake followed by a movie Guru in the Inox wud always remain as a sweet memory and a new step to the life ahead.
The walk along the roads of esplanade and feeling the chilling cold breeze kissing the ears and nose.The light from the lamp posts falling behind us and the never ending road seemed to loop us.Searching for our building and getting late to the place where we stayed.The best part was dat the gates were locked from inside by the time we reached and we(Swyl and I ) were shouting aloud at the top of our voices from the outside trying to call the security guards to open the gates.But in vain.Hungry stomach and bloody tired sleepy eyes were not ready to accept the fact that we are left with no other option to wait and wait for the gates to be opened.The only option that seemed logical and viable was to make a move to the railway station to spend the night which seemed to b longer than usual.But still we tried and tried.And luckily we found a security guard to our good luck and we were in.Into our room but nothing to eat.Smiles and some water were the only thing that we had to eat.Though tired and frustrated with all that occuring around and nothing going right at that moment I knew this was altogether a different experience and I enjoyed the whole of the melodrama and the exciting episode of that night.
The IIM,Calcutta experience and the feel of life at IIM. I could now realise the reason why IIMs are always a student's dream.The place is a nature's paradise with seven lakes within it.Not to be surprised though.It has all that a student would require and the best thing was the silence and the calmness in the environment.
The last night at kolkata with completely different experience at the pub.The taxi episode just before the entry into the pub brings back those curves around my cheeks.First night at a pub.I had expected to enjoy each moment but I could feel the void in everyones life around me.The void that all wanted to hide.I too was no exception.The pub was pumping with the blast of the bass and treble.People were dancing around and the music was on the rise.But along all this I was alone.Rather I was lonely.I could see the big difference that existed within the pub and the outside world through the big glass that separated both of them.Sometime before I had always wanted to be on this side of the glass.But now that i was already through I wanted to be on the other side.I wanted to be one among them who were sleeping and feel the calm dat covered them like a blanket.I could see a taxi passing by the wide road and an aeroplane crossing the big sky above.The view from the 8th floor of the bulding from the pub was really mesmerising.It was quite suffocating inside.But I tried my level best to try and be normal.But as I looked through the glass to the outside world I could feel the importance of night.The value that it has.Night brings with it a calm and the power to regroup urself to get ready for the next day,the next fight for existence.I didnt know the people who were inside the pub n wud never meet them in my life for the second time.But they all are fresh in my mind and I dont know why.I can figure each one out and connect them to all that was happening around me.They have become a part of my life and the moment I think of than nite each one comes alive.But I dont know wat was bothering me that night.No doubt it was enhtralling to have made it to the place.But den didnt feel the excitement within.The feeling was void within.I seriously wanted to be lost in the crowd with few drinks but I refrained. Something pulled me back.May be my next visit would make it easy for me to accept that environment.And I again repeat May Be ! Coz I dont know whether I wud ever get back to such place which makes me so different...But the
moment I came out of the pub i felt lot better and loved the outside world more dan before.The fresh air and the purer people.The actual and true me.
Carrying myself back to the station n taking alongwith me the thoughts and memories of the new friend and saying audie to all that was amazing to experience.

Kolkata has always given me great memories.But simultaneously reminds me that it is the place where I would start my new life and this would be the place whr i would stay after my engg career.Just waiting for the day to come and its not far away.Hope I get the best out of it.

Be a MAN !!

1 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

A thought given by a friend.

Was really nice of him to share this thought and it was really worth listening to.As alwaz he spoke less but was enuff to suffice wat he wanted to convey.

Looking forward to this thought.

Life Main Twist

1 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

Man proposes and God disposes.

The only thing that perfectly fits our life.Had heard someone say this long time back.I still remember the person.I was in school.But then I had not understood the true essence of it. Took me really long to understand it !!

Life has taken yet another turn.Never ever thought it would be so soon.With mixed emotions and nothing to react to I find myself standing in front of a long road without any idea where it goes.I am also not interested to take the road but I have to.And dats wat it says.
Like a small child wondering perplexed in d middle of the road in the hustle of life I remain.No idea where i m heading to and whom i m looking upto.Is thr anyone waiting for me the other side ? I dont want to go to the other side but life has been pushing me.

Pairon tale zameen nikal gayi aaj.Aankhon ke saamne aandhera cha gaya.Bas kuch aisa hua lekin aab toh main akela khada hun.Like a raderless boat.Regrouping myself and trying hard to get along life.The beginning of this year has been too bad.Too bad for life.

All things are shattered !!

Read this somewhere today :
life gives u answer in 3 ways.
it says YES and gives u wat u want....
it says NO n gives something better..
it says WAIT n gives u the best.

New Year Watch Out

0 broke the Silence...wen wud U?

The Prologue:
We had all started to welcome the new year and the excitement was in d air.Plans were made as if it were really the end of life.Good plans make good results.But nt alwaz though.Anyways the penultimate date to the year ie 30th went superb wid friends.A visit to the nearby zoo with the newly formed group was exciting n most importantly the bike ride.The best of everything was the ride from the main city towards the outskirts with less hustle bustle.But den nandankanan has alwaz been too populated.Snaps and snaps and snaps.they hv been my fascination.Leading myself to a state of mind which was sublime.But den u need to come back.And I did.slowly things were nt turning out to be good.something had started hurting me long back.I had never anticipated wat was in store.But i ignored it and went along to enjoy with my friends d whole day.A day never goes complete until there are few considering it one among dem i came back home cool wid new memories to store.

The Final Count Down:
Come 31st day n it all started at 5 o'clock in d morning and ended on 2nd of Jan.43 hours or more of sleepless time which I has become the best part of my life.Time I would cherish for ever.each moment had something to give.Har pal kuch kehta hai.Chicku's arrival and the chilling morning never shook our intentions to enjoy.Quite a hectic schedule and packed with plans as if for the whole year.Made me crazy but den all went good.Good hours to spend wid chicku n den it was evening.Time to join the party wid friends.things dat had been planned since days.Plan to rock the whole nite at a friend's (DK) terrace.Hats off to all of dem who arranged everything had it beautifully decorated with colorful lights and sound.Music system,sweet rocking melody and blinking tiny lights.Nothing more to ask for.All was set for the BIG night out.The best thing was the bonefire made at the center and the dangling fire taking all of 2006 into it.Heat could be felt and the smoke was enuff to make u black.Dancing to the rythme of the music around the fire made a lasting impression.The Morning shows the day.But it was the beginning of the night whcih showed how the whole night wud be.The whole world was awake for its own reason.But slowly bt steadily the time passed by n we were at the door step of 2007.And as it went off wishes were flying in d air and party had just den begun.Good wishes moved like angels and dey cud easily block the complete cellular network.(chupke se Vodka mix) Thumps Up had little effect on the excitement level.But to everyone's surprise it was vodka and all had had it by crackers were also arranged and dinner was too heavy.

Then started the real nite.Complete fundu thoughts and gossips.Guys talk r alwaz fundu.Beware !!

Plans got better to welcome the new year as it was decided by all to leave for Konark(The place wid Sun Temple which is considered to b the place where the first rays of Sun hit the coast of Orissa,nt far away,only 70kms from where we were placed) on bikes.4am and we were off on 4 bikes,8 people.Dark night n d whole of the world was sleeping under the new year cheers.8 roadies on the road.10 degree Celcius and we were riding at 100kmph n more.we were flying.literally was tuff enuff to hear my own voice.Chilling outside wid no protection to ears and hands.Just a jacket was my armour again cold.I was freezing bt the excitement kept me warm.It was getting morning too quick and we were short of our goal.we Had to move faster and we did.But finally we cud do IT.It was mission sunrise. The first sunrise at the sea shore and at Chandrabhaga(the sunrise point) was great to watch.

The sea was extra ordinarily calm and as it was also waiting for the sunrise and the ready to welcome the new year with open arms.Had been to this place many a times.But had never seen such a silent form of it.Calm to the top but turbulent underneath.It resembled me and i could relate myself wid d sea.I was still shivering terribly and all we friends waited with anxious eyes to see the first rays of the year.The year which promises so much for our future.It was finally wen sun showed it face and we were on the tip of our toes.The crowd too was excited.Fabulous experience and had never thought of such a big thing to occur so soon.FAr from home,far from family,far from myself i could see the world.The wide face of the sky and the sea.My fingers were still frozen and was tuff for me to gather them back into shape.I gazed at the sun and prayed for a better year ahead.Red Ball and red reflection !

Moments caught in d heart and stored for ever.

The First Light of the Year 2007

The new year day went fine with wishes beinge exchanged as if it wud be the best year ever.Being optimistic i met people around me and i was back home by 10am.Damn tired but the day ought to be celebrate with others too.Smiling faces all around as if all sorrows had taken a break and waited for some other day.

Few old school freinds meeting meant a lot.Would like to name them over here definitely.Chicku, Satyasagar, Deepak, Sangya, Ipsita and Deepti.Gem of a day.The whole day wid childhood friends meant the revival of school days.But by the time it was evening I had eyes dat were quite tired and were burning like fire in the heart.Finally got rest at midnight n by den it was 2nd of Jan.One whole day of the year had passed and I had had the the taste of its flavour.Friends alwaz cheer you up and they did it.I was yet to find the true me !
Relived my school days and had the best of times with my school friends.Could'nt have asked for more and it was made special by Satya and I really owe a lot to him now.A lot has been done and thanks to him for all dat he arranged for seven of us.Memorable and cherished moments dat wud finally go down into pages of history.History which would be then left for my future generation to let them know wat we had done.
Eyes were still burning wen i got back home in d night and slept with nothin left to be done.But den I missed every damn thing dat took place around me and dat which i experienced.

The Epilogue:

A tired mind and a tired body.Asking too much from myself.Last visit with chicku.
Finally all dat seemed to be going perfectly fine never really did.The New Year had come into life.No more of those fancy things occuring out there and my life took a drastic turn whcih i never thought in my wildest dreams.Small mistake and BIG punishment.Now it seemed like my real life.Never at peace.Nothing seemed to go in d right direction.It was 3rd Jan 2.41pm when it all happened.And since then there have been uncountable trials to make it right and bring things back into place.It occured so suddenly dat I could not realise dat it had in fact taken its shape.Unstable mind and imperfect body made it worse.Every good dat had happened to me in recent times gave back all dat sorrow it saved within it.nature never keeps anything.It gives u back wat u shud get.So did I.But may b it was too early.Thats how it goes.Happiness is alwaz planned by us but grief in ones life comes as planned by Him.Truely unexpected.Wat should one do if you r no more needed by the same person who needed u the most.Was it me who was responsible for all d change or it was just wished by someone else?
Questions dat have no answer revolve around me as I once again try and lift myself up from this dilemma to be or not to be.But I have now learnt how to be.And I wish it does remain the same.
Waiting for life to play another trick and make another move for me to take a new direction.
I once again lost n Life won.gathering my courage to fight back and give Life a something to think about.

"Never regret anything because at one time it was exactly what u wanted ."