Finally.. No Facebook!

I have finally managed to delete (rather deactivate I must say, they don't allow to delete it forever) my Facebook account. It took me some strong willpower and lot of self control to do so. It has been two days now and I finally don't feel the urge to go back. I would better be in my own world than on a virtual world that everyone is on. That would give me peace and helps me connect to myself.

I have nothing against facebook or for that matter any social networking site but I feel, of late too much of social networking has somehow made all of us more concerned with what's happening in other's life than concentrating on our own self. Ask yourself honestly just one question - "when was the last time I spent quality time with myself?"

You would probably not have an answer to that. Isn't it of higher priority to connect with yourself than connecting with people around the globe? Isn't it important to spend time to do what you love doing than monitoring the wall of your facebook profile? Isn't it important to give time to your near and dear ones in person than following them in a virtual world? I believe, if television has been an idiot box and has been eating up people's precious time in the past then it is facebook currently which has been making all of us addicted to.

When I say doing something which you love doing it could be anything - reading your favourite author, favourite genre of books, writing, going on trips to visit places which you always intended to (it requires a lot of planning and time to set out on a vacation), going on bicycle rides on sunday, getting associated with local clubs and groups you always wanted to be a part of, visiting your near and dear ones, learning music, learning a new musical instrument, learning new recepies, playing your favourite sport, and so on and on which always made you excited about.

It is definitely good to be in touch with your old friends, far off family members and connect with long lost friends from the past but it doesn't justify putting our previous time into stuff which have zero value. 

When it comes to evaluating value addition to ones life as part of spending time on facebook let me just zero in with some small examples. What value does one get when he/she reads some gags which have nothing to do with you personally? what value does sharing a good piece of quote add to your knowledge system? What value does it add to your life when it comes to counting likes on your profile picture or album of a trip that you had been on vacation? I would say, you liked being clicked, you went on a good holiday, you had fun and you spent an awesome time having dinner with a friend from school actually added value to your life. But I would never agree when one goes to facebook and posts photos, status messages and expects people to be enlightened by you having fun. Neither does it add value to you nor to someone who reads or views your post. Its good to be liked, to be popular and to be appreciated but being all day, all night on facebook is like roaming on the streets with some people all along day in day out without any final destination. This is like some street guys who never have an objective in their life and hence never land where they ever wanted to be. But in the process, people who wanted to sell you their product, their items will come by and achieve what they wanted to. It is preferred to go and get what you want than being sold what you never wanted.

I too had been addicted to facebook but I am glad I could finally come out of it and it really feels great to be back to what I love doing. Hope I can keep up with my passion of writing and take a step ahead that I have decided for myself. I also hope others too can at least take out time for themselves and do what they love doing. I wouldn't say quitting facebook is the solution, one can still find time being on facebook, but it helps a lot when you're not on it :) 

Signing off for the day!

Abhi

Moving On...

Life Moves On! How surprising it may sound but life truly moves on.

One and half years!! :) Well of course, things don't seem to move. Been through lots of things but few things keep coming back - Your true Self! Circumstances!! All that changes is one's approach to each one of them. One learns more about self and the way one should behave.

Look around and think of the time gone by, you would realise how things have gone through metamorphosis and how life has given a chance to live it again! It may not always be lilies and roses but the fragrance does exist. Go around the park and explore the world. It's not always thrones!

I have my Sunflower, check what you get :)

Good Luck!

Abhi

2010 Round Up!

Every year that comes by has some story to tell and 2010 is no different. But this would be my first blog regarding a flash back at the year end. Unlike other years that passed by, 2010 has been a year worth looking back at. If 2007 was one of the years of my life which saw changes coming drastically in me from being a student to a professional, then 2010 was one which brought me back from a completely professional life to a balanced life which had certain things to keep for lifetime.

1. Trips back home twice in the year is a mark in itself. Going back and getting in touch with your family, friends, visiting your best hangouts like Ekamra Hatta, Shri Jagannath Temple, Puri beaches brought me back to life and I got connected once again.

2. From childhood to adulthood, never felt like I have grown up until I attended marriage of a friend for the first time. Chicku's wedding was a special event which brought me to reality - We have all grown up and now its time to take responsibility of our own life. Of course along with it brought back the memories of my childhood as I visited Talcher after 7 long years. It made me nostalgic for sure but made it obvious that how life has changed and however we wish we can never get back to our school days. They would remain the best days of my life. My heart felt wishes to her for a grand married life full of love, success and happiness.

3. Not sooner than expected, successful tieing of Knot of Anup and Pragyna in
mid year strengthened my belief in Love Marriages. They are a couple made for each other and have set an example in itself. Wishing both of them a Great life ahead, God Bless you Both.

4. Formation of Hum Paanch Group - As I wondered about season, reason and lifetime in my previous post, I realised I had a handful of them around me and I feel blessed to have them for lifetime. Thank you guys for everything! Vishal, Manish, Sonali, Dipika you four give reason to live life for a lifetime.

5. Few friends gone by, making a comeback makes me feel good about the years to come. This of course strengthened my belief on the saying 'Friends are forever'. Long live our friendship. Cheers to each one of them for standing by my side in all circumstances!

6. 2010 took me one step ahead in my career and not to forget the tough times I had in changing my Organisation. However my association with TechM over the last three years have been eventful and happening. I would for sure miss my first organisation which gave me the platform for what I am today. Thanks to all the people whom I met, I worked with and with whom I created connection for a lifetime. Time spent at Tech Mahindra would always be fresh in my mind and would be there as a happy memory.

7. Realization of the fact that no matter how I felt about Pune initially, now I feel like home when in Pune. Not a bad place to live in. I have always been a bit skeptical with change of place and have faced difficulties whenever I relocated but this time around I find it next to impossible to move away from a place where I have lived my precious three years. Its not the place but the experience out here that has pulled me back. Having struggled hard all alone to get settled and get a life here was the most difficult thing over the years and I truly believe I need to preserve what I have achieved being at Pune. Looking forward to continue it the way it has been so far.

8. One of the best thing to have happened over the last year - Sarah Hina's post as a guest blogger on my blog. Her enthusiasm towards blogging brought me back to my world and my sincere thanks to her for being so very considerate with my request.

These were few of the best things that 2010 had to offer. There have been many such things which are beyond my capability to express. There have been bad moments as well but I would prefer forgetting them and collect them as part of my tryst with Life.

Striking The Right Chord

There are several mails that float on the internet as forwards. In one of the forwarded mails I had read something which has been making me think for quite sometime now. I am not aware of the author, so I would keep the author as anonymous. 

"People meet for a Reason, for a Season or for a Lifetime." - Anonymous

How true the thought is! Ever since I read this quote, I started evaluating all those people I have met in my life and whom I remember till now. I have met uncountable number of people in my school, in my childhood days, in college, in graduation, at  my workplace, in my neighborhood and of course others who have come across me as a surprise. Many have left, many are still in touch and perhaps there are only a few who would be there with me for my whole lifetime. What makes me wonder today is what could have been the chord which connected us? Was it for a reason or for a season or for a lifetime. And I agree all are not for a lifetime. 

Those who have already left me had come into my life for either a reason or for a season. It is really amazing to realize who all were there for a reason because now when I sit down and think about all these people I find a reason behind our meeting each other. There were many learnings that I carry  forward and now I know the reason why we met. And for those who were there for a season, all I can say is that, they would still be there in my memory for long but I can hardly find a reason behind our meeting - that upsets me altogether.

Now, for all those who are there in touch, I am yet to realize which category they would fall into. Fingers crossed I await for the reasoning in me to categorize that.

But, the next question that dwells within me is what about all those new people whom we meet daily. And surprisingly there are many who have hit the right chord straight away. There seems to be some connection already existing prior to our meeting and that makes me think if our meeting each other was just a matter of coincidence or for a reason? I fail to know what could it be. However, I realize that it's not the days, months or years of interaction which decides if someone is for lifetime. But what matters is, striking the right chord differentiates someone from the rest. Yet the watch is ON!

A few lines from one of my favorite Odiya songs goes below -

'Baata re chalu chalu,

kebe kiye.... dekha hue...

mane rahe naaaa.. 

kichi loka kichi chehraa... haayeee

kichi loka kichi chehra...

mane rahe... bhuli hue naa....'

Well, before I sign off I would like to convey all my heartiest wishes for someone who celebrates her Birthday today on 1st September. A perfect Virgo, as she is, has come a long way from being just an acquaintance to a very good friend in such a short period of time. That's what I believe striking-the-right-chord is all about.

Signing off

Abhi 

Night – The Shield

Seems like the blogging bug has yet again bitten me!

It’s 5.45am as I start writing. Should I say it to be early morning or late night? I would prefer the later since the Night has not yet got over for me. Yes, you got me right! I have been awake all night continuing my urge to read books. Perhaps reading books over the last few weeks was making me ready to resume blogging which has been my biggest passion. Completed reading ‘34 Bubblegums and Candies’ by Preeti Shenoy. Will come up with a review for the book in another blog soon though. For now I have a different agenda.

Well coming back I wouldn’t completely give it to my reading urge though, for keeping awake all night. I had completed reading by 3am. To cut short, I kept myself awake to drop my friend at the airport half an hour back.

The bike ride after I dropped him at the airport back to my flat took me around half an hour as I needed to cover 25kms.  It’s still dark outside, my city being on the western part of the country where sun rises generally after 6.30.

I could feel the cool breeze kissing my nose, cheeks and ears as I cruised on Hero Honda Karizma! Kind of bike it is, you would never know you have crossed 80KMPH until you peep into the speedometer. Having kept awake the whole night I kept my speed within limits thanks to my frequent conscious effort to look at the speedometer. The air was fresh and there was this subtle silence except for the soothing engine sound which made my mind ramble around. There have been times when I have been on bike rides on night outs but I had always been accompanied by friends since bike rides have always been bliss specifically in the night when there is very less traffic and no pollution. Given that night life in Pune is good, it’s considerably fair enough to move about during anytime of the night enjoying with friends. I have always enjoyed night life in Pune with friends. And if it’s on a bike then there can be nothing better feeling than this. But today was different for the reason that I was alone with myself and couldn’t find any element which could disturb talking to me.  

As I gained pace and moved ahead the dark blue sky which was yet to be illuminated, shined upon me with its darkness and there was no trace of moon. The complete darkness had its own charm unlike those days when you would feel the urge to see the moonlight sky. The darkness that prevailed along with the pitched silence made me realise how close I was feeling to my own self. That was a kind of feeling which I had never felt before. But it was good and felt nice. There was no other thought that crossed my mind except that I enjoyed every part of the ride. No song playing in the mind, no hurry to reach home, no worries to bother about and complete blank mind could make me feel like Night has worked as a shield to all our botheration, worries and sorrows. They say with sun rise, Day brings in happiness, hopes and all beautiful things and you feel like singing it’s a New Day, It’s a New Life! But it was not the case with me. The moment I thought about dawn, sunrise and the beginning of a new day my blissful state seemed to be threatened. I withdrew the thought of break of dawn. I wished the Night should prevail till eternity so that I would be shielded of my sorrows, worries and responsibilities. Speaking right now I might sound like an escapist! It might seem like I never want to face my hurdles of life but if I go back to that state when I felt this, I suppose I wasn’t wrong if I wanted these to be at bay far away from me. Who would want worries to be a part of life? If it’s Night which plays the shield and works as a knight in shining armour then I would prefer Night to Day! Doesn’t that sound better? How do I gain by facing my problems and solving them? Yes, they do get resolved, but then it does keep you occupied with hundreds of thoughts. It keeps you alert throughout the Day. You struggle, fight and come out successful but how does it help? Can anyone resolve all the problems and guarantee that problems/botheration/issues/worries/sorrows would never come back? But Night does give you that guarantee of being shielded from all of the above until it exists. Even when you sleep you sleep tight. People suffer from sleepless nights because they are occupied with their problems that they would have to again face the next morning once Night is gone. So it’s not the Night but the Day that keeps them awake. The fear, the thoughts makes you sleepless.

Come Day, you again start running in the rat race and it hardly matters who wins. What matters is who manages to come out of it. He is the true winner. And I felt like a winner because I could see myself out of the race. Now I don’t fear waking up in the morning and facing issues since I feel out of the race. I am just waiting for the Day that has crept in by now to end and Night to take charge where I can again live the life which makes it worthwhile.

Truly, this bike ride did make a difference. I now wait for yet another Night to set in, another 12 hours to go. The timer is set!

Figments of Imagination or Reflections of Reality

Sometimes I wonder what is a creation. Is it just the result of imagination or the reflection of something which we see in reality?

off late I have been doing only two things -


1. My regular job at work
2. Reading books


Reading books has got into me for sometime now. Surfing the net, checking mails, chatting, talking over phone and even watching TV have bored me to the limits. And when I'm talking about reading let me be specific with it. It has only been few love stories now, but probably I would shift my gears soon to something different. But for now its love stories which have hit me like a wave of the sea. Yet to complete the books in my to read list.


I am simply awed by the books that I have read recently. I would prefer not to compare them to each other in any way because every piece is a result of the author's creation. And when it's creation of someone I have no right to compare when God even fails to compare among its creations.


Completed reading


'I too had a love story' by Ravinder Singh (yes for the second time of course). I had the same feeling after I finished with the book. However, I enjoyed reading it second time because I had known the ending and the whole tale earlier when I read, so perhaps I could relate to each and everything in a better way.


'A walk to remember' by Nicholas Spark was the next in the slot and though I had watched the movie in my first year engg ie long back, I still could connect to the whole of it. No where did I feel like I have already watched the movie, why do I need to read it any more. Books are better expressive than movies. I strongly feel that now.


'Dear john' again by Nicholas Spark, was the third book I have ever read from a single author other than Chetan Bhagat and I must admit I've become a big fan of Nicholas now. The next thing on the list is to go through all of his writings. Will surely get it completed soon. This book specifically moved me with the simplicity of it's writing and the portrayal of its characters. They are real to the core. Must read for our generation.


'A thing beyond forever...' by Novoneel Chakraborty came as a strong recommendation from one of the co-readers. Looked for the book the same day and completed reading it today. Not much of an effort though but it did give me a sleepless night after I stopped reading the 3rd section keeping the 4th for the next day i.e. today. Believe me I couldn't accept the fact that it ended. I wanted more from it and perhaps didn't want it to end. The best feature of this book is not the story, but the philosophy regarding life, love and God. All three of them so well gelled together that you could never escape anyone of it in your lifetime. Truly a master piece it does take you back to your school days and the early days of your adolescence.


After putting down these books in my shelf I would never dare to compare any of these to each other. And about losing these at any cost is not possible. So please be careful if you ever borrow them from me. Don't forget to return because I'm never gonna forget that you were the one who...


Lol! A feeling that sometimes always stays and you may have lost once or hundredth time... but it stays - Love

Life has taken a U Turn

Feels like i am standing at the same point where I stood two years back. No it's not about joining a new job. But currently I am facing yet another cross road. I remember the words "to be or not to be.." well yeah they r the famous words but i remember someone close say these to me.. and today, not exactly today but in the recent times i have these words crossing my mind quite often.

How does it feel if you find yourself in a situation where you were two years back ?? I had come to Pune, no friends, not even a single known face. After two years i feel the same. I am still at Pune..for those who might wonder where i am currently.. but... i still feel the same.. not many people i know.. n thats in a very literal way.. i mean it.. not many know me... in fact no one knows me...who i am.. i am lost somewhere...

recently i shifted my flat...new room mates.. old buddies left to the other part of the city.. the very next day i was shifted to another office.. ie sharda... the only reason of parting from my friends was to stay close to office... bt in vain...every effort to make my wishes work fails... going to sharda seems like a transfer to me.. new flat...new people at home, at office... though ppl whom i meet are my team mates... bt i used to meet them only at team parties n I had met all of them only twice or thrice before I started seeing them every day at sharda.. thr was even a team mate whom I hadn’t met until I got shifted to sharda.. n moving to sharda wasn’t even easy.. it took me completely two weeks to get my .pst file(outlook offline mailbox) shifted to sharda.. Gosh.. it was 4GB.. having preserved all the mails since two years…don’t know if I would even read them twice… bt having them gives a feeling of familiarity..

travelling to sharda through bus has a completely new but different experience.. though hectic it teaches u many things in life… u get to see that u r not the only person who is around working hard.. there are even people who have been doing the same thing since ages.. just for their families…

it was this time of last year that I had been trying for a transfer to Kolkata… bt I had failed at that attempt.. n now again after a year I feel the urge to get back to Kolkata.. at least I could do something for my family.. after all that’s why we exists… moreover, today or tomorrow I would be changing my project since in few months from now our project would go to some other company.. so why not now when I can get a project at Kolkata…who knows after three months I may nt even get a project there…

meantime, prachi too left pune.. and probably her leaving has added to this U turn feeling… she had been there with me since 2004 and after long five years of togetherness I ought to have this void around me...

There seems to be too much of confusion..

First, I know switch is not that a tough thing to do..even during this tough market scenario bt even after a switch I will be at the same place whr I m today.. I wont get to be a CEO instantly.. and it wouldnt help me personally either…nothing gonna change…

MBA…super cool option.. I know this can be best thing I can do.. bt I don’t knw why I fail to put in the effort…may be its because of complacency… of the backup that I have in form of a job.. i need to burn my boats...close all the options...I know I have it in me to crack CAT but nothing is achieved without hardwork.. so I need to put in efforts… bt somewhere I too don’t feel to change my direction when I have already invested my two years somewhere else.. how is this going to help? Shouldn’t I carry on in the same domain.. in the technology rather than getting into management?? But I do realize that we at IT don’t have something great at our hand… even a 10th grade student can do the same if given training for a month n if he knows how to handle a PC…nothing great..
And funny it may sound.. somewhere in the back of my mind… I too think I should give it a try for civil services… bt I feel I have a kind of inclination towards the arts subjects.. sociology, philosophy, psychology, history(though m very poor at memorizing), geography… bt it’s a touch nut to crack wen I hv least idea about such subjects….

Currently, every day ahead is so very blank like never before.. so very confused… I feel I need to have an opinion poll…

Please suggest!

P.S: For the first time I have written so openly about myself just for a fair opinion. Hope it didn’t bother you much.

The Void Within

Begin the journey towards love, in order to fill your internal void.

Emptiness makes you feel as if you are hollow on the inside. I recently asked a friend, “how are you feeling?” and he replied, “I feel like I am rattling around over the face of the earth.” This response overflows with a feeling of being lost and alone or the ‘empty’ feeling.

It speaks of experiencing yourself as having no sense of belonging or purpose. If you ask yourself the question: “how am I feeling right now?” and the answer is “empty” or “numb,” for no apparent reason, it is a sure sign of being disconnected from yourself or blocking off from your own feelings.

This suggests that you are either repressing deep pain or fear or maybe you have experienced a pattern of being neglected, probably from an early age. I have often facilitated quiet meditations with people to help them to make contact with their deep inner core and often they will say “I feel nothing.”

Neglect or trauma in our past can make us hide away our precious souls that we don’t even know how to begin to connect with our sacred inner selves. Being separate from yourself is the ultimate loneliness. We are neglected as children if our needs and wants are continually not heard and we are left to our own devices.

One of the most important self development processes is deficient in this type of upbringing: that of validation. The journey of understanding, trusting and responding to your feelings, begins when your early caretakers regard and direct your myriad of emotions in a loving way.

This validation process empowers you to makes sense of your unique needs, wants and responses to the world and in this way you begin the journey of knowing who you really are on the inside. As an adult we self validate ourselves by continually confirming who we are through our words, actions and life decisions. We also self validate by finally accepting ourselves with all our shortcomings.

Don’t keep running away from yourself. Problems will arise if you simply focus on filling the void. We devour volumes of self-help books or study psychology. We even take the empty feeling literally, as being hunger and we binge on food, cigarettes, take drugs and generally put whatever we can into our mouths.

Keeping yourself busy is another way to dull the experience of yourself. Unfortunately, at the end of every busy patch there’s always a lull and then ‘empty’ returns with a sick familiarity. It must be said that it is invigorating and vital to do exciting things, you just need to locate your intentions. If you are doing all because of a need to run away from yourself it is an impossible task.

The more lasting solution to filling the void is to begin to have a relationship with yourself that is meaningful and enjoyable enough to sustain you through the empty moments. It is important to consider how social conditioning has made an impact on your direction and choices in your life. For instance, we have been taught that being selfish is wrong and that taking care of others and sacrificing our own wants and needs is real giving.

On top of this our ego driven model of living then coaches us to believe that we can only be fulfilled if we are young, attractive, thin and have loads of all the right things. The end result is that we feed our self esteem from the outside first. In other words we focus on others needs and on what others think or say about us; we strive to have the most stylish career, the most chic clothes, the most envied relationship, the apartment with all the trimmings and so on.

This can be termed the weak ego. Believing that we will find the answer to self-fulfilment and happiness from acquiring more or doing more. Social conditioning has brought us up in a way that actually diminishes real self-knowledge and grounded self-esteem. Your search for happiness is really your yearning for your own self.

The biggest test of how you really value yourself is when you imagine being stripped of everything and then ask the question: can I still respect, accept, trust and nurture myself? Can you feel connected to your beautiful life force within which feels solid and fluid at the same time. This takes enormous courage. Be still with yourself and allow yourself to contemplate who you really are, on the inside. Learn to meditate or pray; Begin a validation journal and start to record thoughts and feelings once a day.

Practice focusing on the here and now as often as you can. Remind yourself that you really only have this moment. Stop worrying about the future and rehashing the past. Make a commitment to yourself to protect and treasure your life force energy, everyday, in a positive and gentle way. Only through practicing acceptance can you begin to change. Open yourself to love by softening your heart. Recognise the beauty and wonder in the world and in others. The most healing way to fill your internal void is to begin the journey towards love.

Being Lonely

Being surrounded by friends, family, colleagues and strangers makes an impression that we are quite well off in life. Having everyone around and hanging around with friends at shopping malls and watching a movie does make us feel involved. We enjoy, chat, and have the moments which we cherish for lifetime.

But sometimes questions arise in the mind about our own self. Is this what we always want from life?

Sometimes this thought haunts me more than anything else. What is it that we live for? When we don't have a mission in life and we don't know where we are heading to we feel lost. Lost in the wild woods. We may be surrounded by hundreds people and life must be real fast and busy but still we would find something wanting. The loneliness prevails. Being lonely does not mean being alone. People misunderstand the word lonely and alone. You may be alone but you may not be lonely but even if you are not alone you might always stand a chance of being lonely.

There seems to be complete void and you fail to relate to anyone around you. Nothing seems to of your kind. No one seems to understand. Not even you yourself. Deep within your soul you thrive for something which makes the heart restless and mind unstable. Then you would like to settle down and be with yourself and prefer to be alone to introspect. This may sound spiritual or philosophical but this is exactly what occurs to each one of us.

Loneliness then becomes a part of life. What exactly you feel is your hunger for the future and thirst for the past. Life gets tough and hard to lead. The best way to overcome such circumstances is to confront a trusted friend of yours who listens to your problems. It may seem that there isn't any problem but when you speak out your hidden desires, ambitions, dreams and let your emotions vent it feels great. Sharing emotions and knowing that the other person exactly understands what one wants to convey, sets everything right. The sigh of relief from the heart can be felt.
There is no solution to loneliness but tenderness and soft feelings of words does make a difference.

The Mirage of Life

LIFE !
Life is a mirage. Mirage of hot summer where survival is not at its best. Each moment the longing thirsty heart waits for the way out of it. Taking each step forward gets as tough as giving life to a dead. But still one keeps trying to make the dead speak out as though the death would be the end of everything.
Life would keep kicking you for the worst. And you think there is something hidden out there for the rest. Twists and turns keeps one on the heel till the eternal end of the thriller called Life. You expect, you feel, you think, you dream, you aspire, you plan, you act and at the end of it all you prepare for the worst because life can always throw an unhandled exception.
Change which is the only constant is another deadly combination alongwith life. As it is always said, "Man proposes God disposes" makes one strong and bold knowing life is just a mirage. What we always look forward to and view as a likely possibility , we always realise it was just a mirage of the desert.
Life can promise everything for the longing heart which feels. We take decisions and start our action plan. But are we the ones who are taking the decision?
No!
It's life which takes them for us and we take the responsibility for it. And the worst thing of it all is no looking back. You are standing in this vast desert where you are reeling under the sun and there is no scope of going back to where you started from. You even don't know the end of it. You look forward and what you find is all the same, where at some place way ahead you see a ray of hope. 'Hope', which makes you walk faster defying the sun and as you get closer to what you thought to be the end is just yet another beginning to another mirage. But we are yet at another cross road! Another beginning of Life. You start afresh and people call it LIFE.

Life so Far

Don't know where to start from.....life has finally started showing its true color...

how can i live so comfortable life ????

can i ever do so ?

do i have the right to enjoy dat life ???


thoughts and emotions sometimes are speechless..and today same is the case here...no words to express what it is.
Seems like its been ages I have spoken. Dat i have had a night's good sleep. why is it so always with me ?
why does life can't give me a chance to live ?

why why why ????

As i move on and look back to my last post i find nothing the same. everything has changed and taken a drastic turn.

who is it ?

Crossed Fingers

Crossed Fingers – Not of any importance to anyone other than me. It may represent something else to others. But for me it’s Peace. Peace against fight, Peace for fun, Well I don’t know what it means and what I am up to out here. But yeah, I want those crossed fingers to open up and keep me on the firing line. Been ages; I have been on peace. Peace for all sounds so good. So satisfactory! Peace should prevail. But not of this kind within me. Though this is peace for some, but I am fighting yet another war within. War of minds., war of egos, war of thoughts. This fight with crossed fingers does not look good neither does it feel great. Open finger fights are any day better.

I just can’t keep myself in peace anymore. The fingers are still crossed and I feel like I am dead. These fingers have remained crossed and would remain crossed. No other option of having the opportunity to open my fingers and start fighting. Noting exists anymore!!

Being in peace for is similar to be dead. I want to start living. Start afresh someday and live my life with open fingers. Crossed fingers hurt.

I want to live again…
I want to live again…

I want to live.

I am not Dead

I Still blv dat relationships Decay

Few months back I had posted something on Decaying of relationships.After that post there had been many discussions with different people and somewhere deep within i had felt that my thoughts were contradicting my own beliefs.

But circumstances do make me feel once again that i was correct with my belief. I can still reiterate my words and say that yes relationships decay.

Lost faith on strangers !

Why do i trust strangers so early ? Why do i keep repeating my own mistakes ? Why dont i realise the truths of the world ? why do i expect so much from others and finally why do i bother for others when they hardly care or realize?????????

questions whose answers i don't need to know. I know what i am and what can be done...no one can change me or the way i think and in the process i have been hurt quite often just because i trust them so much. But everyone in this world was a stranger when we walked in to the world but we made relationships and it was trust and faith which has been the ingredients of all these. Right from having faith in the person whom we didn't know and then slowly calling her mom , we have trusted each and everyone who has come across us. Still I have not been the best in taking decisions regarding people. Well that's my weakness. I sometimes need to open my eyes before i move ahead with my trust. But again why do people play with it when they know that someone cares ?

It was never friendship and I thought that I lost a Friend !

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Talked to Jimmy on AIR....had been really impressed with DIL SE and had been eager to talk to him. I just wanted to let him know that he has been doing a fabulous job. But I definitely wanted him to connect me to one of those persons whom I wanted to say sorry...but then it was too late (2.30am)and i didn't want that person to find another reason to be angry with me. But it was really good to talk to Jimmy and find a few good thoughts. The best thing that he said was "Be Yourself" and that has really boosted me up in being what I am.

Talking to him, I have somehow got this feeling of being an RJ. Its really interesting job. While talking to Jimmy I could feel the background sound and the environment. I just got this idea of trying hand at that too...but i need time to nurture this dream and who knows some day I land up doing what I always wanted to. All on destiny though....

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Pune or not ???

Puzzle solved...I would definitely try to go to Pune...Make all the efforts to get transferred to Pune...had been thinking over this since long and finally today i felt that i should make this move. The place which i had been loving initially has suddenly made me quite uncomfortable. Few unwanted events and I find no enthusiasm in staying back. The most important reason that I have found the environment to be cool no more exists. There always exists some disturbance within. Not capable of coping with it I would choose to opt out of Kolkata. Venture into the new life at Pune. I hope I get my posting at Pune. But now, all depends on my PSG Head and I have my fingers crossed for the time to come.

Fingers crossed somehow mean something else to me. It means ....anyways will come to that in some other post.

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Plans are made to be changed. Had planned to go to B'lore in Puja vacation to meet all friends.Even plans of mumbai and Pune from there was all set...but these all vanished like a Monday blue...cant take leave since my training would not have been over by then...that's ridiculous...damn training...what wud happen to the plans ?

what about my friends ?

wen will i meet them ?

Been quite nostalgic off late...those pics which had been locked in the DVD were opened and parsed through to let the memories come in and make it rain....was quite happy though...coz i was going to B'lore to meet all of them. But then all crashed and now its all in the dust and no plans as of now....

Pathetic life...

The NAMESAKE

The Namesake !!

This word is self explanatory. The book was a great piece of work. Not to forget the movie either. The movie very well portrays the true picture of 1970s depicting the difference in social life at India and at US. Well I wont get into the movie and the review but the reason why I thought of writing about this is that this movie has quite a few resemblances to my life as well. though not in exact sense but definitely the way the love of parents has been worked upon gives the sense of reality.

There was a scene in the movie where Irfan(dad) takes his son Gogol(in childhood) to the sea shore and then to the dead end whr the stones meet the sea. The way Irfan has gone through the scene and the emotions that were pouring through the whole sequence I could nt stop imagining my child hood. It was for the first time that I realized what family means to me. Being far away from home I had never ever missed home and i was comfortably living my life except missing bhubaneswar and my friends. But when it came to my own family it was never missed cause being i always took it for granted. Anyone who has watched the movie would definitely feel wat i amd talking about. The perfect story to open ones eyes. Currently Dad,Mom,Sis and me all are at four different places and quite similar to the movie and I being Gogol though not in complete sense. But yeah I definitely hardly bothered abt my family.

This movie touched so much deep into my heart that my thoughts have changed and for the first time i missed my family a lot and wished if i could get into my childhood once again start living those beautiful moments once again. each and every moment of childhood flash before my eyes as if it was a movie running in front of my eyes.

It was 17thAugust night which I would hardly forget in my whole lifetime.

Frankly speaking I had never sent a miss u sms or a card to dad or mom or sis, but it was on this night that i sent miss u message to all three of them and I know they too realized how deeply I missed them because i did something which i never did earlier.All i can say is that the movie shows how the Russian Author Gogol changed the life of Irfan but here Irfan has definitely brought about a change in me. There is no doubt about it.

Namesake is a must watch for someone who wants to realize what family means and what children mean to their parents. What the parents undergo in bringing up their children and how its too late wen in fact we start realizing.

Lots of changes have come in these few days and that's why I have said earlier in my blog that i have seen life so much in these days which i have never seen in my lifetime.

May this change come for the GOOD !

The WALK of LIFE

Huh !!

Its been long time that I have been with myself. Getting back to own form and trying to be urself is so good. It was at bbsr dat I had visited blogspot and written something. There have been frequent visits to my own profile but I have nt found the right time to get along and sit for my own thoughts to get the priority.

Supposedly it was the last time when I was quite nostalgic about my leaving bbsr. More than a month and I am through loads of things in life. Seems like I have seen a lot in this one month, even more than what I would have seen in my whole lifetime. And believe it or not, I have seen life close enough in these few days.

Its not happening yaar…don’t know whr to start from and where to end. One month is such a long time that there are many things which just need to be mentioned. But again this one month passed so quickly that it seems to be just like a flash.

But yeah, I can get along and make a move now. Kolkata was not that great as expected. Few of my previous blogs have gone regarding Kolkata and how this city of joy had proved itself. But suddenly as I reached this time to start my new life, Kolkata was no more a city of joy. The 1st week at kolkata was a nightmare for me. May be it was just a testing period which I had to survive in. And I survived ! Lots of struggle and pulling around to settle down and begin life from the scratch at kolkata. Time flew by and blogging was always on my mind. But access to the resources and thoughts was prohibited by time.

The beginning on the BIG day ! 27th July 2007, I joined Tech Mahindra. This was just the beginning and everything went fine and it was then that I had a feeling of getting finally settled and starting life afresh. Few resolutions and responsibilities at the back of the mind made it a steady start. ITP(Initial Training Program) as they say Began from 30 July and we were introduced to our colleagues and the new life. But slowly in just a week I could sense the burden of life. What exactly we were upto. Life revolved round Tech Mahindra. Anything and everything was related to the company. The feeling of being tied down crept in. There was nothing left in life except going to office early morning and coming back late evening. In the meantime, I had made good friendship with my room mates and that was the only thing that could make me survive.
First module test and it was all so different from college. Life rolled on and in no time now I am completely adjusted to this new life. The schedule makes me no more tired. The day I return at around 6.30pm it seems so different. Its always better to stay down at office till 10pm and work hard and have the feeling of satisfaction and come back home to find only the bed waiting most eagerly.

In the process 31st August made another mark in each and everyone’s life. Don’t know about others but definitely this day means a lot since my first salary was credited to my account. And the feeling of being grown up was superb. Though I could not find time on this day to get to the ATM to check my balance, still I believe it holds great importance to me. 1st September 2007 my first withdrawal and then loads of shopping and purchasing.

Well things have changed so much in just a few days that I hardly believe my own self. Just a month back I was never sure if I would make good friends out here and have any sort of life after college. Even for few days after joining I had no idea about what is in store for me. Ticking clock has taken the charge and now we are at not far from the day when out training would get over. Just 20days from now our ITP would be over. But never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would miss ITP and ITPians so much. The thought of the end has made me think twice about it. I have suddenly started loving my office environment, my work load, the stress, the people around and most importantly the group of people I have been around since a month. Though one month was never a big time to know them but definitely there has been some attachment for them. As I know myself very well this is not a new thing. But still this attachment word has started a new turmoil within me. Many things have touched me. Professional and personal life need to be kept different. But what exactly do I mean by the both and where should I draw a line?
Does it mean that I can’t be personal to my colleagues? Why do I think it to be so?
Why do I have to think about it so much? Don’t people working in office make friends? How far these people keep this friendship? I sometimes get to hear “this is no college!! And we are colleagues….not friends….”
This makes me quite apprehensive regarding my own way of dealing with people around me. The fear of missing ITP has made me do something which I have never done.

Detachment is the key to happiness.
Therefore not being attached to anything or anyone is only solution. People have taken this step differently and believe I have gone nuts and just trying to be professional. But I know what I am doing and what is correct from me at this stage. But there exists some attachment at this point and I need to overcome that. Now the most important question for me is to give an option for Pune center or not. Before coming to Kolkata I always had in mind that I would be opting for Pune once my ITP ends. But now after this one month of stay at kolkata I am in two minds. Practically speaking pune would be better since it gives more of options being the headquarters. But logically speaking I am already settled at this place and it’s been really tough to get down to this state. Settling at Kolkata was never an easy task. And now that I have finally got kind of lifestyle and a good friend circle(rather colleagues which some would like me to address) I don’t have that mental strength to go through all that once again which occurred to me when I came to Kolkata. Well I would have to leave some day and dats the way life in IT industry is. But I don’t want this to happen so early when I am quite satisfied with my current life and the way it’s rolling on. Staying down at kolkata would also have few other advantages which are out of the scope of this platform. But in all sense I am confused. Damn confused and rambling mind is eager to find a way out. Thinking of all this makes me wonder how could life change so fast and take different twists and turns in just a month.
Life is kicking !!

Last Night At Heaven

What should go in someone's mind when he knows he is to leave heaven ???

What should be going on my mind ?

Finally the time has come which I had been waiting for since months...but not always this wait was out of excitement...many a times it was just the fact dat I would be leaving...having spent seven golden years of my life at this place which at the beginning was hell to me, has become my heaven.I know from now on coming back to bhubaneswar wont be the same as it used to be while i stayed here.Things have changed so rapidly.Nothing is left at this place for me.All my friends have left. When I come back wat i wud have is only my emotions and memories of this place. Each road and place at bbsr wud strike me with hundreds of emotions simultaneously, some sweet n some sour...but all would be so good when i come back.

Looking back I have got many things from this place...got some life long relationships and some life long memories. Bhubaneswar was never a place od my liking. I never wanted to come and stay here leaving my school and my place. But having come here and spent these years, I feel these years were not flown by time. It was quite steady process. I dont think time flew by but yeah time gave me everything that I aspired for. Had known that I would be leaving bbsr in 2007 since four years. But never visualized this day.But finally the day has come.I can see everything going around me.Busy with my packing I have nt got the time to think over this moment.But now when all set and I am waiting for only few hours from now, i can feel the bubbles in my stomach. The thought of leaving bbsr doesnt bother me much dan the thought of going to a new place.

Kolkata wud definitely be a a strange city and also a new beginning for my life. Life wont be the same hereafter. For the first time while talking to Dad I could feel the sense of urgency in getting responsible more than what I am now. Dad was really in a different frame of mind which is normally not the way I have seen him since my childhood. There were few words which were uttered and I just took and realized that dad was afraid of losing me. Few of such thoughts rambled around me too. Freedom is no doubt what I had aspired for. But now i feel responsibility comes with freedom.So i need to get more responsible. Now exposed to the whole world I can feel that till now I was under a safety cover of my family. The cover which was like the shield which protected me from all evil. Like a bird protects its children till they are ready to fly, every parent does the same. And today the time has come when the bird is ready to fly but still very afraid to be lost in the large sky which no more provides the protective shield. I wish I could always have dis shield along with me. But That would never be the case from now. Home is home and no better place to home. Mom's food and care and concern (which always appeared to be like intervention into my life) would be missed and I would wait with longing thoughts to come back HOME.

At these last hours i m blank without any thoughts,any feelings, not happy not sad. Just wanna be flown away by life the way it wants me to go. But yeah getting back the same life that I have had at bbsr would be impossible. Even when i come back to settle down here at my heaven it wont be the same like now. Life would have changed then. With fingers crossed I leave.

Babbye Bhubaneswar.
MISS U A LOT and the years that u gave me to live were the sunniest moments of my life.

Bye

LOVE YOU

Do Relationships Decay ?

A thought which struck me long back. But I wanted to think on it first. And somehow today while interacting with a friend I got to hear something called boredom in relationships. A nice question asked - What if a relationship gets bored which is perfectly on the right track ? Everything is well and fine but what if someone feels bored and finds no 'Charm' in the relationship. That was tricky. My instant answer was then how do people marry and they don't get bored and continue to live life together till end. I still feel that its just the effect of western culture thats affecting our thought process. Someone would not have found this question a decade back. When it comes to relationship commitment is the key ingredient. Its not that we get into a relationship for our own self. I feel its for both the persons. this used to be the scenario before. But now any relationship you consider thr is a selfish reason. Thats our expectations and our own interest in it. Once our interest and expectations are fulfilled we feel the boredom. Is it natural or we keep expecting more and more which makes it boring and monotonous ? Arent we expecting too much from our relationships ???? Are we seriously looking for each other's happiness ? Are we getting into a materialistic world ???? All these questions tend to answer my own question " Do Relationships Decay".

Now coming to my very own question, I feel that every relationship comes with an expiry date. The moment the date ie the period expires the relationship starts to decay. Exactly like our Planet or a Star does. The decay may be spontaneous or very gradual which may not appear. But there is this decay that exists. I am not speaking of only one type of relationship. What I am talking of is every kind of relationship, may it be marriage, friendship, brotherhood, child-parent or even the kind that can't be named(which come at different level,something between love and friendship) . We can say it to be losing the charm or getting boredom. It may not be only materialistic reason for such decay. As we move on in life and we meet different people, our own thought process changes. Our requirements change. Our environment change. The same people with whom we used to be so close seem to be quite incapable of understanding out plight. Or we tend to lose our own sharing ability. We meet new people who belong to our own environment who can be more comfortable with. The comfort level is what matters. Slowly but steadily every relationship, even the ones we think is immortal starts to decay.

And who is it to be blamed for such occurance ? Is it we. Is it our selfish attitude. Is it our needs which change. I would prefer considering it to be time. Time changes everything. Even our needs. Well our environment too plays a critical role in this process. Another thing is our tight schedule and our busy life which leaves us with no time to analyse such changes and gives us no time to set everything right and to stop the process of decay.

Previously I used to be quite bothered when I used to lose contact or find that there exists no more the same kind of intimacy with people who mattered a lot in my life. I used to take it quite seriously and feel lost. Now I look back and find that every relationship that I used to be in, has changed with time. And its quite drastic too. Beginning from my own family members to my friends and even to my foes. The intensity of hatred that I used to have for some foe or person has decreased and I can say that I dont even consider him/her to be a foe anymore. It hardly matters whether he/she exists or not, whose existence on the surface of earth was a big botheration for me some years back !!

Same is the case with my friends and family too. Many people who mattered to me a lot, are no more in contact though they still matter a lot in my life. But its just that the process of decay has changed everything. It definitely hurts to look back and find that so much has changed. I wish I could get back to that time and make up everything the way it were. But that's not possible.

Well, now I feel that I need to accept each change. I need to look ahead to the new relationships that are waiting to be made. I need not stop and I should let life play its role. The best thing we can do is play our part best in any relationship, give in our best efforts to build it and be happy that it occurred. And regarding the past lost relationships we should again be happy that it was our part to be played and we played well and gave our 100 percent efforts. And that which was destined took place and we are at a better place. Here comes the true beleif in God, the supreme Power who regulates every action of ours and my faith increases on "Jo hota hai achhe ke liye hota hai".

I can thus watch each of my relationship decaying slowly but steadily. The watch is On !

Scars on The BODY...

Scars on the body,those signs of the past.There have been many scars on the body.The falls from the cycle have given many scars.The fear of falling and the imbalance just was sufficient for me to fall.To hit the pole,the tree and the people passing by.These scars remind me of those days when dad used to b the force behind my cycle.Moving on to the football field behind our home in the scorching heat of the sun just after the lunch.Thats what is adventure.Cant forget the days when dad wud take me with him for an icecream just for a reason to make me have a cycling on the road.
Still remember the first day i took the small but heavy cycle of our neighbour's into my hands.It was too big for me but too small in front of my dad's encouragement.Hadnt my dad given dat first push to the cycle den i would have never learnt how to ride a bicycle.Yes i moved on and on and on finally into the bush with the cycle hitting the lamp post on the road side.That was it !!sigh !! The injured hands n the scar on the knees still remain.But that was the first and last nervous ride i ever had.Dad said "until u dont fall on ur knees and dont get scars dat remain for ever u wont learn to b the best...." and man dat sentence struck me the most....

one lesson n den came many many scars on the body from the cricket field,from the corridors of school while running after each other(frnds),den from the bike with dose small n big accidents....but they haven't moved my determination to move ahead n be the best.The best in what ever i do.There have been scars on the mind and on the heart too....but the principles applies the same to all...

But !!

I hardly knew the scars that we get in the heart, in the mind and in the emotions r more painful n ever green dan the ones on the body....have really learnt how to bear all dose big scars on the body but when it come to the heart n mind i still feel i m achild....still require dat push from my Dad.I wanna him to b thr with dose small words.The encouragement to go ahead n touch the sky.missing his support at this level.Cant ask for it from him becuase now I m grown up n may b he too wont understand my problems n yes even if he does i cant b dat open to share all dat i suffer. How long will i keep bothering him ? Is it not enuff ?

Yes i must learn how to move ahead independently. I will move n i knw dad wud alwz be thr to give the little push whenever i require but the scars would remain and i m proud to have dem.They are the ones that have been my motivation and the integral part of me.

Scars on the body give joy and scars on the heart give pain!! i would prefer the former one....what wud you ?