What is it that i need?
i dont knw wht i need.....may b i need a friend who is alwaz a friend....a freind who does not take me for granted...a friend i wud alwaz depend upon....a friend who reciprocates the same way....a friend who understands me...a friend who gets happy with all dose small things...a friend who realises my existence...a friend who has no hesitation to say anything...a friend who is ready to share all dat is special...a friend who gives everything even before i expect it...a friend who really cares...a friend who knows me more dan myself...a freind who understands what i need...a friend who is just a call away...a friend whose voice brings a smile in the heart...a friend with whom i can talk what ever i feel like...even it may b against the friend...a friend who knows what he/she means to me...a friend who is happy the way i m...a friend who lets me know that he/she cares.
Yes it may sound too weird but i think these are few things which we all speak of a friend and we think we all satisfy these as a friend.But have we ever wondered where we have gone wrong ?
We think what we do, we wont really hurt our friend because our friend understands us.But why dont we think dat the same friend may also be expecting the same.we all think dat we need a friend who possess the above mentioned criteria...but r we really ideal in dat respect....do we make ourselves such dat a friend wud really feel the way we want to feel when we get back the same things.Do we really come upto the expectations of our friends.But at each point of life we feel dat our friends should come upto our expectation level.When a friend fails to do so we feel bad and think dat the friend was not true friend and dat the friend really never understood us.But why cant we think just the reverse.Did we understand our friend well.
Ego is a thing which has ruined many such friendships.I have been a pray to dem too.Again in this case too we think that our friend should nt have any ego...but we never look at ourselves whether we have ego or not...n the moment we feel n we say tht we dont have ego den thats ego which says we dont have ego.Its so recursive that we really dont realise it.Why is it dat we always try n make our friends realise how much we care or how much we do for them?And when we do this we really bring that ego in between.
I would like to make a confession.Yes i have felt this many a times for each of my friend.A thought always comes to me"why does nt my friend reciprocate the way i want dem to,why they dont give a call when i have given a call n they missed it,why is it dat i m always a person taken for granted,why is it that i m always the last person to be remembered on the earth,and regardless of this why always i get to hear that i dont understand".Well i was really at fault.
I started to write this post just out of frustration with the above thought regarding my friends with an intention to complain but in the process of writing i have realised that i was at fault and it was really kiddish on my part to think that way.I m really sorry to all my friends for my such thoughts regarding them.Yes I am damn confused regarding my thoughts.
I too know that this is what every other person goes through.But again is it me who has been thinking more?But whatever,this is the fact.
This is what I need....i need all my friends to realise the same as i did it just now.
Silence Kills, Speak Up
What is it that i need?
Many questions which were in my mind from days, have got their answers.Thanks to the post by Neha on Freedom in her blog on 15th April 2006.The whole thought was so very well presented that it seemed as if its being explained to me by her just right infront of me.Such good work dat i feel everyone must read this.So please if u find time den visit the above link n start reading.U will love it.
Dont knw wht has made Neha understand life and each part of it so well.Is it just a part of understanding or the circumstances n environment which made it so.What ever may be the case Neha is such a writer who is destined to to write only.Her duty on the face of earth is to WRITE.
Well only one thing dat i wud like to add to her thought is dat freedom is nothing but being u....may b she has mentioned dat inderectly but thats my final interpretation of the whole thing.
Months have passed but i lived in certain illusions.But slowly n steadily i have come along such a distance from my emotions dat i have no problem in accepting the truth.The TRUTH that i have lost.Lost everything that i once was very proud to possess.Lost the faith,a relationship,a friend,lost everything i was proud of.Feels like "meri hi nazar lag gayi".The reason is still unknown to me.The reason which i should have known.But again i know it makes no sense in analysing the past.That wont bring things back.
Did i hurt anyone?Was it my fault?Is it my destiny ?
Once lost it cant be recovered ?No matter how much i try i wont get my things back.Will things be the same ever ?
Qestions which hardly anyone can asnwer.I may pretend to be fine with this but it hurts to find dat i have lost.The thought of this has created a turmoil in me.I have many friends,many people who care.It may seem dat i can ignore what i have lost.But thats never easy.And when its life den how can it be dat i can live my life.
Everyone says words are the best means of communication. But is dat the case always?
Is it that we always communicate well when we speak up?
But why is it dat when we sometimes speak up wht we feel den others react? Sometimes we hurt the most when we speak up. Never realized dat until today.Everybody says friendship is something where u can speak up wht u feel no matter wht d thought may b.The other person would definitely understand.But I think that’s not the case alwaz.We feel great when our friends share but its only applicable when it’s a good thought.But had I ever thought that I wud speak and wud hurt many with a single thought.The thought was misinterpreted.
I have hurt many people and many friends around me.May b I have failed to understand dem.I m guilty about the fact dat I hurt many with my words.I screamed but to hurt was not my intension. The only thought behind sharing my emotions was just to clear out certain misunderstandings. But in vain. Rather I myself went on to create more misunderstandings. Why is it dat I fail to do wht I intend to?
I m guilty for all dat I did. For the first time in these three years of friendship I had a fight with two friends. Never thought I would do dat ever. But really life is too uncertain. I think that my intension was never bad. I m nt guilty of dat but I m guilty coz the way I did it was nt to be. But there are situations when we r really frustrated out of every little misunderstandings which grow upto the level of hatred. May be the fear of consequence of speaking up prevents others from ventilating their thoughts. But I never thought that wud help the friendship. But may b I was wrong. Shud have left the thoughts as they were.
But then I m guilty n this guilt is something which will stay on with me. May b everything will b right but will I b able to come out of it ?
Buth I m afraid these small things don’t take me away from all my friends. May it never happen as they mean life to me. They too knw this but I wish such a day full of high tension never comes ever among we friends. These few months are meant to b spent with each other n may we b successful in dat.
The only reason for these things is the expectations that we attach with each other n we think we need to b understood rather than understanding each other. But these things wud continue in life. Lets hope everything gets on the right track. But again I m sorry for all dat. How cud I ?????????
19th August had been a special day from last three years.
Three years back this day had only one reason for being important because we had our first day in engg career on 20th of august and therefore 19th was the d most exciting one.But never thought dat this day wud be of great importance and memorable enough for its the B'Day of one of my great friends - sweet Swati.
The day was made more special by the Bday treat of another friend named Nili....it was her bday treat and i had a great time there.But was sorry dat cudnt remain there till the party got over since i had to move to Puri for the surprise visit for Swati.
The most controversial plan was a success!!Finally i could balance both the engagements.Had fun out there.But was tuff on my part for the last few days on deciding what to do.Was in a complete confusion and restelessness of the heart.Had to make a decision so as to be with both the persons as they mean a lot in my life.But why is it dat we alwaz have to confront such situations in life ?
Why is it dat god tests our commitment level n our dedication all the time ?
is it dat we alwaz need to prove ourselves ???
cant we do away with it ?
Anyways what more cud anyone ask for in a single day....it was an awesome day with loads of happening people around.First the Party at May Fair till 12.50...den a drive of 60kms on bike with a very charming companion....light rain n rain coats on....on a mission...wonderful climate....bike on full speed of 90 to 95kms/hr.....less traffic on the highway due to the drizzle n the road was superb with the lush green fields and the road side silence with the tall standing trees with their new green branches reaching out to the road from both the sides....seemed just as a tunnel through the trees.....hardly there was any one except me and my thoughts....was really too thoughful throughout the way n was wondering how the beauties of the nature are left alone with no one to appreciate the ultimate beauty....
It was too nice to have such a trip on bike tht too for such a long distance with all enthusiasm to give a surprise to Swati...She didnt knw dat i was coming....so it was all fun....Himanshu was in complete form....was riding the bike like an aeroplane...so we reacheed our destination in an hour....dat was really cool...
The time was now for meeting all friends at Puri who had already reached the place earlier in d day.We all had been planning to visit Puri together for many days....but it cudnt materialise before.But it was d Day....all seemed to be in great mood with the intension to blast away with fun.....
Had a great time at the beech....the rain had stopped by den as if only for us to enjoy the great overcast conditions.Things turned out to be real fun with all sorts of games being played on the beech which brought back the memories of the childhood when we used to play such stupid games of chor n police,chain chain ,truth n dare(silly dares to bring a smile),etc.....Den was the time to pull everyone into the water on water.For the first time i took a bath in the sea.It was like water water everywhere.Water running down the head through the eyes n den ending up nowhere as if they had been there just for the moment.Quite temporary....hoped it went on to the feet so as to feel it go down with a purpose.Purpose to make me feel,feel wht i have never felt before,to keep that feeling for ever with me and the feeling of being me.Sand bombs kept on hitting me from all friends.The waves could sense the delight in the environment and grew in size and force.Sometimes quite unstable n unable to control balance as i hoped to lose control,I fell on my knees with the pull of the retreating water as if it was me not able to acccept their retreat.Den waited for it to get to me once more.And at the stroke of this thought wht i find is another dancing wave waving like a happy flag of independence marched towards me....we loved it and the waves played on and on with the minds of us.Then their were the bday wishes and the bday songs right inside the sea with water everywhere around us.Has there been a better bday celebration ever ?No i suppose....It was awesome to find all those lovely faces smiling like a small baby with never ending excitement.I hoped that these faces alwaz bear that innocent childlike smile forever.Then the childish act of writing names in the sand , waiting den for a long wave to come and take all dose wishes to be fulfilled.As if the wish has been granted and the hopeful eyes waitin for the wish to be fulfilled.
Moment hard to forget;being with friends with no hesitation to do any damn sort of thing.Friends and friends only.Forgot all the sorrows and the the hardships of life.The truth dat we r left only with few months to b together.heart went on to reach the complete satisfaction and to accumulate the memories and the events which wud make all of us overwhelmed with happiness when this day wud again arrive next year to find dat we all r no where near.....all in their respective jobs working hard to survive.A chill runs down the spine at this thought of separation n tranquility.But i know these moments wud be as green as ever and wud alwaz bring a smile on the face with that twinkling droplet in d eyes.Tuff to accept n hard to believe!Sigh!!
Such was the fun and the excitement dat we even skipped our lunch and we all kept ourselves busy as if this was the final day.It hardly mattered how hectic and tiring the day had been.We werent ready to leave the dreamland but the time came to depart from our dreams.That was it.enuff was the call and we came off the shore.To the parking slot where the all alone cake had been waiting for its massacre for its purpose of existence;to fill heart happiness in everyones heart,for the song to play on and all cheers to come for the BDAY gal.But there was no knife.How to cut it ?
Then came the engg mind.A square piece of packing cartoon of the cake was wade teh knife and the claps,the song and the wishes went on.But one thought:the cake gets itself cut for someone's happiness.It has done its job.We being the best on the face of the earth still are nt sure wht exactly our job is.Well dats another part of discussion.
The time had come to say adiue...twinkling eyes and the glowing faces gave the indication dat we wud come again n have another such plan.waving hands got out of sight when a deep sigh came in me with that feeling of satisfaction.But again the mind was busy thinking:is it reeally possible to come back again for such a trip?is it that easy enuff to come here ?is it fate or we which decides such plans?
Definitely not we....its HE n only He who has the plans set for us.May be we can still make it for another occassion...dats the hope burning in me but i hope dat hope does nt die deep within me....Then there was the feeling of losing everything in d very last minute.I knew i was missing all dat i had with me.Could realise that i had been trying to hold the sand within my fingers.Dont knw why but felt to get out of all my senses.To be free in the open air.Truely speaking for the first time felt the need for a bottle of alcohol...may it be wine or beer.But i wanted to be out of my sense to speak up everything to myself which i cudnt.To see all d dreams dat i was afraid to see.To wave at the sky.To go mad at the world.To vent all my anger which makes me afraid to lose many people around.But really i want to speak up.Speak up wht i want to.How long can i live with it?Live with a falacy.I m nt myself.But again its my sense and my inner soul prevented me from havin alcohol..but i wish i cud...if given a chance and freedom to do so i wud try n see wht r the things which i wud do which i really never think of.
Well den we had been to the temple of Shree Jagannath.Had a beautiful darshan and as dey say if u r destined to have a view den only u have dat.N its really true dat if ur destiny has it u will definitely have a chance to come to Puri...else u may long to come but u wont really make it to the place as it had been d case many times with me.
Finally we(Himanshu n I) too left Puri with a bigggg sigh dat the aim to have a trip to Puri is accomplished.A dream come true for me.The road was bit busy since it had stopped raining bt we reached safely home.
Now i feel what more can anyone ask for on a single day?Is it not enough?why is it dat i wish i cud again get back to the memory lane.well memories are the lanes through which we often pass by but hardly realise the value of it until we meet the time....the people who r part of d same memory lane...
I know this is all crap.What has been written above is all crap.Just typing along.sorry if wasted ur time....but i knw it only matters to me.so if u read it completely den u must have wasted ur time....n if u feel u havent wasted den i hope u felt wat i did....
Happy Birthday To Swati....
Today is the birthday of one of my great friends...who has been all through out these years....have a great day swati n may god bless u with all the greatest things of life.Only thing that i believe is dat the best of things in life come late so that we really can understand their value....so may it b u in my life or it may b ur success story...both will b great stories to tell in d dawn of ur life...wish all d best for the grand future awaiting u....get ready for this kickstart Dear...
Happy Birthday Again.....
Morning shows the day is what i had heard.But never really believed in it.What is in store for us noone knows.But still we always overlook the things that wud definitely agree.Do u agree that we can sense our future ?
its still a mystry if we can ever knw our futre before hand.I have heard of intutions.But this is somewhich i never thought about.did i ever want to knw the future dat desparately ??????
But today i feel dat we shud get to knw abt our future so that we can get ready for the danger or may even get a chance to prevent the occuring.
Well the day started with some wierd dream...dont even knw wht it was like,....but wanted to sleep more to get a clear picture of the dream n to understand wht it was all about.But had to get up n go to coll....
it was all okay with fun n hanging around the canteen n had a great feeling of being the senior most in d coll.....sahi lag raha tha...everything was so cool since all my friends had come and we all were having fun together after so many days coz some frnds had time from their tight schedule of mba preparation n it was really great to see dem....
n for the first time we all planned for a movie and it all turned out very well since all agreed and the plan was a success.The movie was none other dan kabhi alvida na kehna n it was like i ahd been waiting for this one since some great friend had said to watch it n i was like curious to find that "something " from the movie....it was real fun in the first half n as the movie progressed we all got into it when the ring came....
the call gave me a shock...cud nt believe it.....how cud it be possible ? didnt ever imagine this wud happen...cud nt think of staying long at the theater n left the place n took the road to my home....but through out the way only one thing was ringing in the mind- "how can i lose the person who had been an ideal for me since 5 years...an accident n everything is over."He is my uncle's friend Mr.Sanjay Jain...he was a great guide and has always been a person worth looking at...a dynamic personality....a person who is has been everyones heart throbe in this aprt of world....many dont knw him but still i consider whoever has known him has been blessed.It all happened in d night at 2am at delhi....how is it dat we had been enjoying out there and in some other place people are just in as much dismay n despair as dey had never been before...the same was the case with me den...wht he meant to me and wht i got from him n the insipration n the positive thoughts i got from him are just not explainable....
things turn around the table so quickly and u never imagine wht can occur.
A very good lesson dat i learnt today is dat anything dat changes is nt the truth...bt something which is never changing is d ultimate truth.....life is ever changing so its an illusion which we have been living till we reach the ultimate truth - The Death....yes death is never changing...can u change it ?i hope i cud.....get back wht we lose...
wht we lost today is something which can never be substituted....
The movie had been an illusion and the truth is something else....that i have lost....i may b lost tomorrow....but wht abt dose who r nt lost as yet ????
wht abt those who r still in d falacy of life n its illusion ?
yes finally i learn dat wht we do out here is not something which we do but we r the medium for the fulfillment of some purpose....the power is somewhere else....so i learn never to say " i have done it"....rathe wud love to say yes i could do my part of job given to me...dat wud be more practical and more justiciable to all human beings on this planet......
still wondering if cud get the prior picture of the future....wudnt it be good ?,....but a day like today is never wished for...but Sanjay Sir u would always be there in our heart.We will miss u
This is a song sung by Ganesh Hegde.Nice sweet melodious but the best part of it is the lyrics and i feel it was written just for me.I dont know who the lyricist is but i owe him a lot for creating this master piece.I know many people have not heard this song but this one is something awesome.The best part is
tumhi meri khushi...phir kyun mile na hame"
Song of pain and the circumstances.The different way to love someone.A person never wants to lose his love but how tuff is it to ask ur love to never return back ?Thats what has really touched me and i feel the same for the person i waited for more dan 10 years.I dont want her to return coz things have changed and by that i dont mean dat my love has changed or i dont love her but just that i dont want to get hurt once more.Let her be there in my dreams,in my prayers and in my past.Let Her be there where she is now.....
door mujhse sanam
phir mere pas ana nahin
yeh bhi mumkin nahin
main palat na sakun
isliye itna wadaa karo
mujhko aawaz dena nahin
mujhko aawaz dena nahin
mil bhi jayein agar
ham tumhe rahon main
pher lena nazar....par mila na nahin
dekh lo bhi agar tum hame bhul se
apni ankhon main tum...ashk lana na nahin
dil se hamko to tum kar chuke ho juda
ankh se... bhi... girana nahin
ankh se bhi girana nahin
tumne mangi dua...ham ko mile har khushi
tumhi meri khushi...phir kyun mile na hame
tumne li hai kasam gam na karna kabhi
tum sikha do jara...muskurana hame
tum ne keh toh diya yaad karna nahin
khwab main.....tum bhi aaana nahin
ja rahe ho agar
door mujhse sanam
phir mere pas ana nahin
yeh bhi mumkin nahin
main palat na sakun
isliye itna wadaa karo
mujhko aawaz dena nahin
mujhko aawaz dena nahin
It had been there in d mind...for over a year i suppose....
had thought of it but had nt taken it seriously.Yes Its true that i had been busy and been into many other things but was it nt possible to get myself into it before...why is it dat i feel that i cud have made it before...is it just a feeling or a regret ?
Sorry...i forgot my own principle....i never regret for what i have done....its just dat wht i do or wht i feel is something which i wanted....its my responsibility...i take the whole of it.
Things have changed a lot within a year.Day on day....its just changing as the world is taking a new turn around the sun...It has been rightly said that nothing is constant and i too agree to that now.I had a feeling that changes do come but only upon our agreement.But yes changes come even we if we dont wish dem to take place.People are changing and of course the relationships.we too feel dat we change but why is it dat i dont feel that i have changed?have i ?or is it my illusion ?
Yes i have changed...my priorities have changed n yes i agree i have changed but people said me "be the way u r and never change".Why did they say so when they themselves have changed a lot?
why is it that they are getting selfish by making me constant just becuase they do not want to view the new part of me...the other side of me? Cant i take a new turn?Am i not allowed to do dat?If i do den why is it dat people are nt ready to accept this?i too am a human being and can CHANGE....
and why not ?
Taking a new step into my life with this new beginning i hope i find the better part of me.I wish changes come in me so that i can accept the changing world,the people and of course the whole of my life which will soon take a new turn.Just waiting for it to happen.....
A Path that beckons to destinations beyond
call it Ambition or Desire or Dream
A Path that spurs us on to Goals
That leads us progressively
From one Peak to another.
When a path is not seen,we feel lost
Then emerges the true spirit of Man
And a way is found out or Built.
Looking back we realise that
we have made the Impossible Possible.