Life has taken a U Turn

Feels like i am standing at the same point where I stood two years back. No it's not about joining a new job. But currently I am facing yet another cross road. I remember the words "to be or not to be.." well yeah they r the famous words but i remember someone close say these to me.. and today, not exactly today but in the recent times i have these words crossing my mind quite often.

How does it feel if you find yourself in a situation where you were two years back ?? I had come to Pune, no friends, not even a single known face. After two years i feel the same. I am still at Pune..for those who might wonder where i am currently.. but... i still feel the same.. not many people i know.. n thats in a very literal way.. i mean it.. not many know me... in fact no one knows me...who i am.. i am lost somewhere...

recently i shifted my flat...new room mates.. old buddies left to the other part of the city.. the very next day i was shifted to another office.. ie sharda... the only reason of parting from my friends was to stay close to office... bt in vain...every effort to make my wishes work fails... going to sharda seems like a transfer to me.. new flat...new people at home, at office... though ppl whom i meet are my team mates... bt i used to meet them only at team parties n I had met all of them only twice or thrice before I started seeing them every day at sharda.. thr was even a team mate whom I hadn’t met until I got shifted to sharda.. n moving to sharda wasn’t even easy.. it took me completely two weeks to get my .pst file(outlook offline mailbox) shifted to sharda.. Gosh.. it was 4GB.. having preserved all the mails since two years…don’t know if I would even read them twice… bt having them gives a feeling of familiarity..

travelling to sharda through bus has a completely new but different experience.. though hectic it teaches u many things in life… u get to see that u r not the only person who is around working hard.. there are even people who have been doing the same thing since ages.. just for their families…

it was this time of last year that I had been trying for a transfer to Kolkata… bt I had failed at that attempt.. n now again after a year I feel the urge to get back to Kolkata.. at least I could do something for my family.. after all that’s why we exists… moreover, today or tomorrow I would be changing my project since in few months from now our project would go to some other company.. so why not now when I can get a project at Kolkata…who knows after three months I may nt even get a project there…

meantime, prachi too left pune.. and probably her leaving has added to this U turn feeling… she had been there with me since 2004 and after long five years of togetherness I ought to have this void around me...

There seems to be too much of confusion..

First, I know switch is not that a tough thing to do..even during this tough market scenario bt even after a switch I will be at the same place whr I m today.. I wont get to be a CEO instantly.. and it wouldnt help me personally either…nothing gonna change…

MBA…super cool option.. I know this can be best thing I can do.. bt I don’t knw why I fail to put in the effort…may be its because of complacency… of the backup that I have in form of a job.. i need to burn my boats...close all the options...I know I have it in me to crack CAT but nothing is achieved without hardwork.. so I need to put in efforts… bt somewhere I too don’t feel to change my direction when I have already invested my two years somewhere else.. how is this going to help? Shouldn’t I carry on in the same domain.. in the technology rather than getting into management?? But I do realize that we at IT don’t have something great at our hand… even a 10th grade student can do the same if given training for a month n if he knows how to handle a PC…nothing great..
And funny it may sound.. somewhere in the back of my mind… I too think I should give it a try for civil services… bt I feel I have a kind of inclination towards the arts subjects.. sociology, philosophy, psychology, history(though m very poor at memorizing), geography… bt it’s a touch nut to crack wen I hv least idea about such subjects….

Currently, every day ahead is so very blank like never before.. so very confused… I feel I need to have an opinion poll…

Please suggest!

P.S: For the first time I have written so openly about myself just for a fair opinion. Hope it didn’t bother you much.

I Still blv dat relationships Decay

Few months back I had posted something on Decaying of relationships.After that post there had been many discussions with different people and somewhere deep within i had felt that my thoughts were contradicting my own beliefs.

But circumstances do make me feel once again that i was correct with my belief. I can still reiterate my words and say that yes relationships decay.

Lost faith on strangers !

Why do i trust strangers so early ? Why do i keep repeating my own mistakes ? Why dont i realise the truths of the world ? why do i expect so much from others and finally why do i bother for others when they hardly care or realize?????????

questions whose answers i don't need to know. I know what i am and what can be done...no one can change me or the way i think and in the process i have been hurt quite often just because i trust them so much. But everyone in this world was a stranger when we walked in to the world but we made relationships and it was trust and faith which has been the ingredients of all these. Right from having faith in the person whom we didn't know and then slowly calling her mom , we have trusted each and everyone who has come across us. Still I have not been the best in taking decisions regarding people. Well that's my weakness. I sometimes need to open my eyes before i move ahead with my trust. But again why do people play with it when they know that someone cares ?

It was never friendship and I thought that I lost a Friend !

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Talked to Jimmy on AIR....had been really impressed with DIL SE and had been eager to talk to him. I just wanted to let him know that he has been doing a fabulous job. But I definitely wanted him to connect me to one of those persons whom I wanted to say sorry...but then it was too late (2.30am)and i didn't want that person to find another reason to be angry with me. But it was really good to talk to Jimmy and find a few good thoughts. The best thing that he said was "Be Yourself" and that has really boosted me up in being what I am.

Talking to him, I have somehow got this feeling of being an RJ. Its really interesting job. While talking to Jimmy I could feel the background sound and the environment. I just got this idea of trying hand at that too...but i need time to nurture this dream and who knows some day I land up doing what I always wanted to. All on destiny though....

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Pune or not ???

Puzzle solved...I would definitely try to go to Pune...Make all the efforts to get transferred to Pune...had been thinking over this since long and finally today i felt that i should make this move. The place which i had been loving initially has suddenly made me quite uncomfortable. Few unwanted events and I find no enthusiasm in staying back. The most important reason that I have found the environment to be cool no more exists. There always exists some disturbance within. Not capable of coping with it I would choose to opt out of Kolkata. Venture into the new life at Pune. I hope I get my posting at Pune. But now, all depends on my PSG Head and I have my fingers crossed for the time to come.

Fingers crossed somehow mean something else to me. It means ....anyways will come to that in some other post.

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Plans are made to be changed. Had planned to go to B'lore in Puja vacation to meet all friends.Even plans of mumbai and Pune from there was all set...but these all vanished like a Monday blue...cant take leave since my training would not have been over by then...that's ridiculous...damn training...what wud happen to the plans ?

what about my friends ?

wen will i meet them ?

Been quite nostalgic off late...those pics which had been locked in the DVD were opened and parsed through to let the memories come in and make it rain....was quite happy though...coz i was going to B'lore to meet all of them. But then all crashed and now its all in the dust and no plans as of now....

Pathetic life...

The NAMESAKE

The Namesake !!

This word is self explanatory. The book was a great piece of work. Not to forget the movie either. The movie very well portrays the true picture of 1970s depicting the difference in social life at India and at US. Well I wont get into the movie and the review but the reason why I thought of writing about this is that this movie has quite a few resemblances to my life as well. though not in exact sense but definitely the way the love of parents has been worked upon gives the sense of reality.

There was a scene in the movie where Irfan(dad) takes his son Gogol(in childhood) to the sea shore and then to the dead end whr the stones meet the sea. The way Irfan has gone through the scene and the emotions that were pouring through the whole sequence I could nt stop imagining my child hood. It was for the first time that I realized what family means to me. Being far away from home I had never ever missed home and i was comfortably living my life except missing bhubaneswar and my friends. But when it came to my own family it was never missed cause being i always took it for granted. Anyone who has watched the movie would definitely feel wat i amd talking about. The perfect story to open ones eyes. Currently Dad,Mom,Sis and me all are at four different places and quite similar to the movie and I being Gogol though not in complete sense. But yeah I definitely hardly bothered abt my family.

This movie touched so much deep into my heart that my thoughts have changed and for the first time i missed my family a lot and wished if i could get into my childhood once again start living those beautiful moments once again. each and every moment of childhood flash before my eyes as if it was a movie running in front of my eyes.

It was 17thAugust night which I would hardly forget in my whole lifetime.

Frankly speaking I had never sent a miss u sms or a card to dad or mom or sis, but it was on this night that i sent miss u message to all three of them and I know they too realized how deeply I missed them because i did something which i never did earlier.All i can say is that the movie shows how the Russian Author Gogol changed the life of Irfan but here Irfan has definitely brought about a change in me. There is no doubt about it.

Namesake is a must watch for someone who wants to realize what family means and what children mean to their parents. What the parents undergo in bringing up their children and how its too late wen in fact we start realizing.

Lots of changes have come in these few days and that's why I have said earlier in my blog that i have seen life so much in these days which i have never seen in my lifetime.

May this change come for the GOOD !

The WALK of LIFE

Huh !!

Its been long time that I have been with myself. Getting back to own form and trying to be urself is so good. It was at bbsr dat I had visited blogspot and written something. There have been frequent visits to my own profile but I have nt found the right time to get along and sit for my own thoughts to get the priority.

Supposedly it was the last time when I was quite nostalgic about my leaving bbsr. More than a month and I am through loads of things in life. Seems like I have seen a lot in this one month, even more than what I would have seen in my whole lifetime. And believe it or not, I have seen life close enough in these few days.

Its not happening yaar…don’t know whr to start from and where to end. One month is such a long time that there are many things which just need to be mentioned. But again this one month passed so quickly that it seems to be just like a flash.

But yeah, I can get along and make a move now. Kolkata was not that great as expected. Few of my previous blogs have gone regarding Kolkata and how this city of joy had proved itself. But suddenly as I reached this time to start my new life, Kolkata was no more a city of joy. The 1st week at kolkata was a nightmare for me. May be it was just a testing period which I had to survive in. And I survived ! Lots of struggle and pulling around to settle down and begin life from the scratch at kolkata. Time flew by and blogging was always on my mind. But access to the resources and thoughts was prohibited by time.

The beginning on the BIG day ! 27th July 2007, I joined Tech Mahindra. This was just the beginning and everything went fine and it was then that I had a feeling of getting finally settled and starting life afresh. Few resolutions and responsibilities at the back of the mind made it a steady start. ITP(Initial Training Program) as they say Began from 30 July and we were introduced to our colleagues and the new life. But slowly in just a week I could sense the burden of life. What exactly we were upto. Life revolved round Tech Mahindra. Anything and everything was related to the company. The feeling of being tied down crept in. There was nothing left in life except going to office early morning and coming back late evening. In the meantime, I had made good friendship with my room mates and that was the only thing that could make me survive.
First module test and it was all so different from college. Life rolled on and in no time now I am completely adjusted to this new life. The schedule makes me no more tired. The day I return at around 6.30pm it seems so different. Its always better to stay down at office till 10pm and work hard and have the feeling of satisfaction and come back home to find only the bed waiting most eagerly.

In the process 31st August made another mark in each and everyone’s life. Don’t know about others but definitely this day means a lot since my first salary was credited to my account. And the feeling of being grown up was superb. Though I could not find time on this day to get to the ATM to check my balance, still I believe it holds great importance to me. 1st September 2007 my first withdrawal and then loads of shopping and purchasing.

Well things have changed so much in just a few days that I hardly believe my own self. Just a month back I was never sure if I would make good friends out here and have any sort of life after college. Even for few days after joining I had no idea about what is in store for me. Ticking clock has taken the charge and now we are at not far from the day when out training would get over. Just 20days from now our ITP would be over. But never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would miss ITP and ITPians so much. The thought of the end has made me think twice about it. I have suddenly started loving my office environment, my work load, the stress, the people around and most importantly the group of people I have been around since a month. Though one month was never a big time to know them but definitely there has been some attachment for them. As I know myself very well this is not a new thing. But still this attachment word has started a new turmoil within me. Many things have touched me. Professional and personal life need to be kept different. But what exactly do I mean by the both and where should I draw a line?
Does it mean that I can’t be personal to my colleagues? Why do I think it to be so?
Why do I have to think about it so much? Don’t people working in office make friends? How far these people keep this friendship? I sometimes get to hear “this is no college!! And we are colleagues….not friends….”
This makes me quite apprehensive regarding my own way of dealing with people around me. The fear of missing ITP has made me do something which I have never done.

Detachment is the key to happiness.
Therefore not being attached to anything or anyone is only solution. People have taken this step differently and believe I have gone nuts and just trying to be professional. But I know what I am doing and what is correct from me at this stage. But there exists some attachment at this point and I need to overcome that. Now the most important question for me is to give an option for Pune center or not. Before coming to Kolkata I always had in mind that I would be opting for Pune once my ITP ends. But now after this one month of stay at kolkata I am in two minds. Practically speaking pune would be better since it gives more of options being the headquarters. But logically speaking I am already settled at this place and it’s been really tough to get down to this state. Settling at Kolkata was never an easy task. And now that I have finally got kind of lifestyle and a good friend circle(rather colleagues which some would like me to address) I don’t have that mental strength to go through all that once again which occurred to me when I came to Kolkata. Well I would have to leave some day and dats the way life in IT industry is. But I don’t want this to happen so early when I am quite satisfied with my current life and the way it’s rolling on. Staying down at kolkata would also have few other advantages which are out of the scope of this platform. But in all sense I am confused. Damn confused and rambling mind is eager to find a way out. Thinking of all this makes me wonder how could life change so fast and take different twists and turns in just a month.
Life is kicking !!

Last Night At Heaven

What should go in someone's mind when he knows he is to leave heaven ???

What should be going on my mind ?

Finally the time has come which I had been waiting for since months...but not always this wait was out of excitement...many a times it was just the fact dat I would be leaving...having spent seven golden years of my life at this place which at the beginning was hell to me, has become my heaven.I know from now on coming back to bhubaneswar wont be the same as it used to be while i stayed here.Things have changed so rapidly.Nothing is left at this place for me.All my friends have left. When I come back wat i wud have is only my emotions and memories of this place. Each road and place at bbsr wud strike me with hundreds of emotions simultaneously, some sweet n some sour...but all would be so good when i come back.

Looking back I have got many things from this place...got some life long relationships and some life long memories. Bhubaneswar was never a place od my liking. I never wanted to come and stay here leaving my school and my place. But having come here and spent these years, I feel these years were not flown by time. It was quite steady process. I dont think time flew by but yeah time gave me everything that I aspired for. Had known that I would be leaving bbsr in 2007 since four years. But never visualized this day.But finally the day has come.I can see everything going around me.Busy with my packing I have nt got the time to think over this moment.But now when all set and I am waiting for only few hours from now, i can feel the bubbles in my stomach. The thought of leaving bbsr doesnt bother me much dan the thought of going to a new place.

Kolkata wud definitely be a a strange city and also a new beginning for my life. Life wont be the same hereafter. For the first time while talking to Dad I could feel the sense of urgency in getting responsible more than what I am now. Dad was really in a different frame of mind which is normally not the way I have seen him since my childhood. There were few words which were uttered and I just took and realized that dad was afraid of losing me. Few of such thoughts rambled around me too. Freedom is no doubt what I had aspired for. But now i feel responsibility comes with freedom.So i need to get more responsible. Now exposed to the whole world I can feel that till now I was under a safety cover of my family. The cover which was like the shield which protected me from all evil. Like a bird protects its children till they are ready to fly, every parent does the same. And today the time has come when the bird is ready to fly but still very afraid to be lost in the large sky which no more provides the protective shield. I wish I could always have dis shield along with me. But That would never be the case from now. Home is home and no better place to home. Mom's food and care and concern (which always appeared to be like intervention into my life) would be missed and I would wait with longing thoughts to come back HOME.

At these last hours i m blank without any thoughts,any feelings, not happy not sad. Just wanna be flown away by life the way it wants me to go. But yeah getting back the same life that I have had at bbsr would be impossible. Even when i come back to settle down here at my heaven it wont be the same like now. Life would have changed then. With fingers crossed I leave.

Babbye Bhubaneswar.
MISS U A LOT and the years that u gave me to live were the sunniest moments of my life.

Bye

LOVE YOU

Scars on The BODY...

Scars on the body,those signs of the past.There have been many scars on the body.The falls from the cycle have given many scars.The fear of falling and the imbalance just was sufficient for me to fall.To hit the pole,the tree and the people passing by.These scars remind me of those days when dad used to b the force behind my cycle.Moving on to the football field behind our home in the scorching heat of the sun just after the lunch.Thats what is adventure.Cant forget the days when dad wud take me with him for an icecream just for a reason to make me have a cycling on the road.
Still remember the first day i took the small but heavy cycle of our neighbour's into my hands.It was too big for me but too small in front of my dad's encouragement.Hadnt my dad given dat first push to the cycle den i would have never learnt how to ride a bicycle.Yes i moved on and on and on finally into the bush with the cycle hitting the lamp post on the road side.That was it !!sigh !! The injured hands n the scar on the knees still remain.But that was the first and last nervous ride i ever had.Dad said "until u dont fall on ur knees and dont get scars dat remain for ever u wont learn to b the best...." and man dat sentence struck me the most....

one lesson n den came many many scars on the body from the cricket field,from the corridors of school while running after each other(frnds),den from the bike with dose small n big accidents....but they haven't moved my determination to move ahead n be the best.The best in what ever i do.There have been scars on the mind and on the heart too....but the principles applies the same to all...

But !!

I hardly knew the scars that we get in the heart, in the mind and in the emotions r more painful n ever green dan the ones on the body....have really learnt how to bear all dose big scars on the body but when it come to the heart n mind i still feel i m achild....still require dat push from my Dad.I wanna him to b thr with dose small words.The encouragement to go ahead n touch the sky.missing his support at this level.Cant ask for it from him becuase now I m grown up n may b he too wont understand my problems n yes even if he does i cant b dat open to share all dat i suffer. How long will i keep bothering him ? Is it not enuff ?

Yes i must learn how to move ahead independently. I will move n i knw dad wud alwz be thr to give the little push whenever i require but the scars would remain and i m proud to have dem.They are the ones that have been my motivation and the integral part of me.

Scars on the body give joy and scars on the heart give pain!! i would prefer the former one....what wud you ?