Striking The Right Balance

Two and half years back I was bothered about something which somehow I have managed to understand to a greater extent. It was about striking the perfect balance between two different worlds around one’s own life. I was not sure how one could balance one’s personal and professional life.

Let me put it this way. I had been in a world of personal life for more than 20 years of my life. And suddenly when one gets into a completely different life altogether called professional life, it is obvious to perplex the best of the balanced minds. Considering myself not to be that balanced in my understanding of these two lives, I was surely a victim of this age old belief – One needs to keep his personal and professional life different. If ever you mix both of these then you end of screwing both big time. With confusion in mind I had tried my best to bring about the perfect balance. I would not say I succeeded to strike the right chord on the first shot. It wasn’t easy to bring about the changes in you to keep both these peculiar demons at bay across the thin line or better if I say this to be the silver lining.

One point that always bothered me was that how can someone keep his personal life away from his work place(better to say professional life) when he is present personally/physically at his work place for more than one third of the day? Worse if you are a workaholic and a bachelor! You’re bound to have your personal life revolve around you where ever you are. A ‘resource’ as they say in the industry is a human at the end of the day. He is bound to have emotions (like happiness, sorrow, pain, love, hatred, jealousy, anger, turbulence, expectations, relationships etc), friends and foes where he lives his life. And it would be unwise to say that you being a professional you shouldn’t let all these factors affect you. It definitely does affect but you need to bring your personal touch to bring about the right decision. Even in personal life we have these factors and we deal with them quite well. So why not deal the same way out here as well as well do in our personal life? And when I say the personal touch let me prove all those theories vague which pronounce to keep all personal things away while being a professional. Many say “He was quite professional in his approach and didn’t let his personal problems affect his performance.” Fine agreed but where did he bring about that professional approach from? One has to be personally connected to the whole thing.

As my experience goes, I am about three years old in the professional life. And I am proud to say that I have the perfect balance where I work. I always used to listen from people, at work there are no friends. And let me prove all of them wrong. I have my best pals where I work. When at office we still work together and resolve the conflicts quite easily which come up just because of the personal relations that we share. Had I kept my professional life away from my personal life then perhaps they would have never understood my behaviour or vice versa in a given situation. That goes true with my managers as well. Not always managers are demons. Not always they are wrong as it is mostly understood. There are times when one needs to go beyond and try having a look at the other side of it. And you seriously need to put yourself in other’s shoes to get the complete picture. But of course this is only possible if there exists a personal touch to it all. And finally you land up in creating a world where both the parties have acceptance level only due to your personal life being involved in it. And how do you achieve it all? By just letting yourself being You. Most people fail to understand this and in the pursuit of being the best professional they start becoming someone they are not. That is what I had landed up doing initially, and it is no worry when I accept that I screwed it big time.

I still find people around me who are being fooled by themselves. I hope to see them bringing about a change in their approach and understanding of these two different persons they want to be. Personating your work environment gives you a scope to judge the best thing you could do without bringing unnecessary complications into your life where you spend maximum of your time called Office.

What should one do ?

A New Post

Suppose, you are in your office bus returning back home in late evening. You are on the right side window seat. And at the same time you find a beautiful lady with a charming face, sweet smile and of course a good height on the correspondingly opposite side i.e. on the left side window seat with no one else between the two of you. As usual, after a long day and of course yet another 1 hour travel left to reach home, it is expected that one would prefer looking out of the window [that’s why you took that seat da (trying out to write like a south Indian young writer because every fwd that u get regarding office, college and of course office bus are written and initiated by someone from Blore or Chennai but never Hyderabad, God only knows why) ] at the whole world around and think everything that’s irrelevant (because you would have never thought over those things had you not been idle). The lights, speeding car, the cross roads, the people around, the vast dark sky, the far invisible skyline, the disturbing radio playing on your phone (which you use even if you are actually not listening to music or the gossip in some regional language that would require more of your energy than you would require at your work place), all seem to be so beautiful. But a glance at the lady and what would you do then? Is it like you would continue looking at the other side of the window and keep yourself busy in your irrelevant thoughts or try and catch another glance of her acting as if the view on the other side of the window is greener? Now, many would answer saying No! They would not get affected at all and would continue with their irrelevant stuff. I too would answer with a big NO had I been asked by any of my friends.

Let us try it and be a bit more truthful. Why then, when she gets down, you actually start again with your same old irrelevant thought process and wait for your stoppage eagerly which initially you thought should never come closer and the bus should keep on moving with the only hope that she gets down at your stoppage incidentally.

Anyways, that’s a take from my today’s experience. But somehow writing this post was actually initiated by another thought. It was in the bus itself when it struck me to write down these words. In fact every word and sentence was framed while in the bus. I wish, I had a laptop (not a palm top or a blackberry’s carry your office with you just because its so uncomfortable to type things on their small keypad. How can one match his/her typing speed with the lightening speed of own thoughts? Sometimes it even gets tougher to manage to get everything typed with a laptop) every time along with me and I could write down each and everything that I wanted to. But conditions apply too. The laptop should be lighter and not a problem to carry everywhere. What about a memory card within your brain which could capture the things that you want to save for the later period? I won’t mind if I had to type it down when I get a system. But I should be able to get back every little thing that I wished to write in form of a cached thought. Seems like Abhisek has gone nuts and is over tech savvy these days while working with the WEB2.0 (would definitely come with a post on this someday, but not sure how soon…don’t expect me to write down as soon as possible since I m not that interested to explain to the world about the new technologies which could be found even without click of a mouse…how? One can use a joystick or a keyboard or even the newer versions of laser tip tops…sorry if it was too much :D ) and all that crap which was never required even during the most advanced Indus Valley Civilization. Well, you electronics and Biotech guys whoever is reading this please think of something which could solve my problem, and yeah be quick enough to achieve this before I die. And of course don’t forget to put my name as the brain child for your research. That would definitely be a tribute to my idea even though I wont ask for a royalty having copied my idea.

Ah! I have not even come to the sole point which I intended to write. Well, I wanted to dedicate this post to all those people who came into my life at some point of time, who influenced me, brought about a visible change (okay..not visible to all though but visible to me at least…dats why its intangibleabhisek), affected me, promised to stand by me at every step of mine whatsoever may be the circumstance and finally are no more in my life.( courtesy : lack of time, busy schedule, lost phone number, change of location and of course leaving without saying a bye) I know, I would never be back with those people individually. But somewhere I imagined how life would have been had these people still been there with me. What could have been the further changes in me? How would have they reacted to every thing around me and eventually how would I have conceived the never changing circumstances.

Finally I would like to wind up this as soon as possible else I would again get complain that my posts are pretty long and take too much of time to write. Sorry if this also seemed to be long. But I can’t write shorter. But I can always try to make it “short and short” nothing more than that.

Catch all of you later very soon (again I don’t know how soon but definitely it would be soon enough).

NB1: sorry for the inconvenience caused for all those extra bracketed texts.

NB2: no offence meant to anyone alive or dead and any resemblance to anyone around please get in touch with me. Wanna meet you soon [I mean asap (as soon as possible, bad habit gathered at office)].

Missing Stars

The best feeling ever!! What can it be??

Being in love? Being with the person you always wanted to be with?
Going to moon or is it driving the costliest car on the surface of the earth? Is it Lamborghini?
what else can it be ? Looking at the world, there could be zillions of things which could make you feel on the top of the world. That’s the feeling. The feeling of driving the best car, having a dream job as i read on a blog which talked about Dream Job, Dream Body and Dream Relationship. But all that makes you feel best and which you think to be the ultimate goal, doesn't stay long. Doesn't it appear really weird? It’s that particular moment, may be a fraction of a second or may be few minutes hours or days. But ultimately, that happiness, that joyous moment fades away. It was a good thought that one needs to maintain that state with the same effort that one makes to achieve it.
Perfect view point. I too agree with it.

There has always been a time when one wonders if he/she could get back to those moments and cherish it forever. The longing to get back always stays. And in a process one starts missing those events, those circumstances. It may be that you are the one who is detached from that system physically or may be that complete system or event or circumstance whatever you say has ended. One keeps on wondering with all ifs and buts. But life is not about these ifs and buts "but" it's all about the facts and guts. Guts to accept the facts of life. It may be sooner or later, but one has to accept the fact.

Anyways coming back to the "best feeling ever", I suppose by now you would have given a thought over it. Believe me; it was really tough for me to decide what this feeling must be. What it is that would make me feel the best? For me - Knowing that you are being missed by your own people makes you feel the best. I may miss many in turn, I may always want to be a part of them, I may wonder if I could be a part of all that I left behind. You let people know that you miss them, you miss being a part of their life. It makes them feel good. But, back there, whether they too feel the same, whether they miss your presence, makes you think twice over your own thoughts. But, guess what, someone calls you and says, "Hey Dude, we have been meeting every day for lunch together. You remember the way we always used to have, which had slowly turned into a dream for all of us because of our busy schedule and changing priorities? Yes, we are back again and we take out time to be together at least for an hour during the lunch. And you know what, we were missing you and we wished if you could be with us out here!!"

That’s the feeling. That’s it Boss! It makes me feel on the top of the world. Well, it’s been more than a year that our ITP days got over. We are no more ITPians. A new batch of fresh blood has come in. The new ITP batch. Every time you look at them, either in the corridor, or at the training rooms or at the canteen or even with their new posts at tech mate(Tech Mahindra's best portal so far), you would feel the same freshness, enthusiasm, the joy, the excitement that we had last year.

We too started off with the same colourful manner with hopes and promises to keep. My first post at techmate always gets a read every time I remember those days. But somewhere we all lost ourselves in the rat race. Don't blame the situation or the work load. I suppose we were even busier and disturbed during the ITP training, tests, re-tests and with the fear of being sacked. But then we fought together, we hit it hard and fired with all cylinders. The common thing being we were 'WE'. But then slowly things changed, we lost the grab, we started taking lunch at our own convenience, we started losing the hold of our hands. We shifted our gears on the fast track unaware of the fatal accident that we may face. We did face it! But we accepted it and moved on saying it to be LIFE. But never did we look back and check where we changed our priorities.
But after more than a year, we are back. Some have been relocated to different places, some are still at the same place and some are still busy enough to send a good morning mail. But, like I had the best feeling ever, can everyone out here get the opportunity to feel the same?? Yes we need to get back. Get back with the same feeling.

Now I don't have to be sad or feel bad that I am not a part of all of them during lunch, I may be still taking lunch all alone. But I am not sad. I feel good for the fact that I'm still among them. They all "MISS ME". They are missing the "STAR". Its not that I'm a star or I was something different. I was one among them and I am still one among them even today. Don't have any idea when we all would be together again, but its for sure that the day I meet even one of them, I know, I would feel the same being one among them.

How am I feeling today ?

Probably the last winter was the longest of all of them that i have witnessed in my whole life time. Generally winters have always been shorter for me because from childhood its been a tradition to prepare for exams during the winter. And during exams even long winters appeared to be too short just because we didnt have enough time to prepare for the exams. But this time it was something different. The winter had no such urgency to pass by. No exam fevers and no urgency. No deadlines and no work. Life had come to a stand still with loads of uncertainity with it.

For me getting back to blogging was a dream. its after this long winter hibernation that I am back to write down with blank mind. Its after those beautiful days at Kolkata that I am eagerly willing to write down with all my feelings on the blogspot platform. Whatever posts have come recently, have always come with a preoccupied thought or an intention to write on a particular thought.

Anyways lets start it now.

Lot of water has gone under the bridge in these few months. Transition from Kolkata life to Pune life was the most toughest job on my part. Somehow I am still in the process of trasition and would probably fail to completely do so. Efforts have always gone to take a release right from the beginning. But it has not yet materialised. Recently rays of hope appeared like a mirage and supposedly I am still under the same mirage effect expecting a release. Waiting for it desparately to fly back like a free bird. Feels like a lost bird searching for his homeland. It would definitely be a battle won when I get the release.

But somehow at work I have learnt a lot of things. Not technical stuff (though I can't deny that also) but the primary thing that I learnt here at work is Professionalism in IT Industry. The things that I learnt are -

1. How to write a short mail or even make it shortest.

2. Whom to mail and when.

3. How to play with To and Cc option.(Most important thing to have learnt that every professional must know how to handle and i suppose i have mastered this skill)

4. Never to use Bcc in office.

5. How to take con calls

6. What to speak and what not to speak on a call (though i am still in a learning phase for this case)

7. How to sip coffee during con calls.

8. How to handle issues. (not technical ones though)

9. How to keep smiling all the time and keep the anger under control.

10. How to reply to personal mails and keep chatting through mails even when u r dead busy.

11. Skill to use reply to all option in personal mails also.

12. How to bunk office as well.(greatest skill set aquired while on bench)

Look there are a dozen of things that i have learnt. Wanna learn what professional life is and how to handle it come to Pune. City of professionalism.

Spending the whole day inside my room and skipping prepared hot lunch may sound too strange. But yes, I didnt feel like. Reason not very sure. Well it was for the first time at Pune that I was there at home during the afternoon time on a holiday. At Kolkata we generally took not-so-deliciously-prepared-lunch-of-masi together on holidays at home. But today I wanted to be a share holder of that lunch once again. The worst part is when i start comparing everything with kolkata and then i am the worst. Not realising life can never be the same again.

Suffering from fever and mild cold, I preferred to stay indoor and take rest. Though I had no plans to do what I did the whole day, but definitely it helped me a lot. Did quite a lot of orkutting, logged into Yahoo Messenger and Gmail at a time and that too had a few chats. The feeling of getting back to old netting days came and went before I could restore it for long. Bit of self introspection and reliving the past memories. Albums, slambooks and few old songs that used to play every now and then on my media player were all removed out of dust. Giving life to few of relationships which also had gone into hibernation. Talks with Partha, Jyoti and Nammo for the time being could make me feel at home. Those college going guy's feeling and of course the unprofessional talks made the day.

Henceforth will try to keep track of few of the things -

1. Revive contacts with few lost friends like Himanshu, Pallavi and Swati being the first on the list.

2. Getting back to net life.( not the intranet life at office though)

3. Revive my own blogging spirit.

4. Keep up with my passion with radio which I had developed at Kolkata...luckily 92.7 here at Pune is now available and also up to the mark with respect to the other useless stations.

At the end of it all, feeling like a small balloon try to rise against the heavy load of the work pressure. Being connected with the passion and life that has always been a part of you is something very satisfying and heart warming.

Expecting the coming month to be a exciting one for quite a few reasons. Firstly Manish would be shifting to my flat for a month. Definitely that would be fun and may be my desire to go back to Kolkata would keep making me more desparate and broken with each effort going into waters while expecting a release. Secondly, the Malaysia trip for which I had been working hard since October which has finally materialized. A week of excitement and learning as well. Hoping to see some expectations getting fulfilled in that sense as well.

Few expectations which have never materialized till now would definitely keep haunting me though. Expectations from people without whom my life seems to be incomplete. There are few who are part of life and there are few without whom life can never be complete. Struggling to identify them and when it comes to expectations, I would prefer taking another day to come on that. May be I would be back tomorrow itself in my urge to being connected to my passion of writing.

My World Hasn't Changed

05:48 AM, 15th March
Kolkata, the city of Joy has been among the places, which has given me a lot in a big way. Getting back to Kolkata had always been my dream. So, the excitement was always there when I boarded the flight to Kolkata. All was set and months long wait was over. Finally, I was going to Kolkata. Many things were brushing through my mind and the memories kept flashing by. I was going to the place, more importantly going to meet the people who have been my in very short span of time.

06:05 AM
The captain’s final call for the departure and the flight takes off as if it was on a mission to make my trip a successful one. I preferred to close my eyes and get to my own plans for the trip.

09:45 AM
I opened my eyes and found that I had been in my dreams until I got the captain speaking to the passengers. “Indigo welcomes you to Subhash Chandra Bose International Airport, Kolkata. The outside temperature is 27 degree Celcius and humidity is 48%. Indigo wishes you a pleasant stay. Thank you for being with Indigo.”

These words made my heart pounding and I could feel the blood flowing in my veins.

09:50 AM
Finally, I touched Kolkata. It was a breath taking moment for me. Finally my dream had come true and all my hardship to come to Kolkata had paid.

10:45 AM
Eagerly observing everything from the window of the shuttle, I could feel the soothing air and freshness of the morning. We were cruising into Salt Lake.
By now, past was in front of me. I could see myself walking along the Techno India Building with my friends. The day we had our induction, the days when we used to come down to the road side stalls to take our lunch and the evenings when we used to walk back to Karunamoyee together after the hectic training hours. I relived those small and beautiful moments once again. As I passed by the road, I saw some change. The road divider, which had some wild twigs and grass, has now been made greener. The artificial human activity has destroyed the natural beauty. Few small statues and models have been placed with well trimmed side bushes and lawns. This was a change which I could feel in the place. As we moved further towards city center, another change caught my eyes. The roads had got better. There were no more, the after rain pits and cracks. It was all well maintained and these changes brought a fear run down my spine. “Has the world changed within these few months?”
Exactly two weeks and so much has changed. I wished everything else was the same. Reached city center and found yet another change, the near by shop we used to visit daily for regular fags had come up well. By now I was walking towards our small world. Now there it goes!!
Yet another change!
A Tea Junction stall at the city center entrance!
That really struck me hard. Was it normal to find such changes or the world has changed for me. The side lane had been made concrete which used to be a broken brick laid path. The brand new banner of Nimas and the huge HSBC bank that has come up in these two weeks seemed to be a kind of indication. I started feeling restless to see so much of change. Though these weren’t big changes for others but for me it seemed to be like an alarm indicating that my world has also changed. That fear didn’t stop me from walking towards my flat. Though I don’t stay there any more and literally does not belong to me but it would be my flat forever.
But now I could see the nearby house still under construction even after two weeks. The Santro of our landlady standing in front of the huge gate. The gate was half open as always. Everything was calm and silent which used to be a regular case. Slowly I felt better and found everything to be same. As I entered the living room I could see the smiling familiar faces of Chetan and Vinay. The smiles were all there. My happiness had no limits and touched the sky. Now I was more comfortable and fear had disappeared. Everything was like before. The untidy bed of Chetan, the scattered articles on the table, the well prepared covered food and everything else was all the same. Nothing had changed.
But what about my relationships ?

Will they be the same as before? I was not sure of anything when I walked to the 5th floor. I was afraid to notice any further changes. But this time I was stronger enough to neutralize my thoughts. But expectations were there to make me twice. Walking along the steps and finally through the cubicles to move ahead to the “Adda Cubicle” was the best part. Never expected that the surprise would prove to be such a big hit. Every face had a surprised look and most importantly the happiness which was more of excitement could be felt from everyone’s action. It was one of the best moments which I wish I could capture like a Kodak Moment. Glad enough that I got more than the expectation.
My relationships were the same.
As the day progressed and I met everyone my faith strengthened and now at the end of the trip, I am all smiles and satisfied carrying back new memories, new moments to cherish for the future. Now I, strongly believe that may be world has changed but My World is never going to change come whatever.
12:01 AM, 17th March’08

Take Care

He kept on looking at the steps, down to ground floor through the 2nd which she took to get out of sight of him; wondered she would turn back and look at him as in movies. But it wasn’t any movie and there was no background music playing behind all this. She had left.

He realized this as one of his friends patted him on the back to find him with drooping eyes and heavy heart. It was quite very natural though. There were people who hugged him, patted him and wished him good luck for the future.

But these all couldn’t bring him back from the thoughts of her wet eyes, the way she tried to hold them back trying not to be quite obvious. Clearing her throat she had said “All the best Apurv, Apna khayal rakhna, Take Care, Bye” “You too take care and miss you and miss your…” he had stopped.

“Miss You!! She would not have gone far away as she would have to walk up to the next circle to get a cab”.
He could hear these words. He wasn’t sure if it was his inner voice or someone else saying this. That didn’t matter much to him at that moment. He just didn’t want to lose those last few moments. He started being nostalgic. He wanted to take the last glimpses of her to preserve them till the next time when they meet (which was never in the near future).

He moved through the stair case from 3rd to ground floor with just few long jumps. It wasn’t that tough for him to take the stairs this time unlike the other days when he had thought it to be really tough when she had always insisted on preferring the stairs to the lift. As he increased his pace to move faster, he couldn’t stop the first drop of tear which he had held in the eyes since she left. Now, that was the moment when he felt how wrong he was.

The very next day evening he had his flight which would take him to yet another completely new world which he had chosen for himself. Till now, he knew “Change is the only constant”. He believed it and did it. But was puzzled why this single drop made him think that it was the biggest regret of his life? Why is he now having second thoughts regarding his decision to go abroad for his MBA, which he earned for his family and himself? Is he being kiddish and trying to prove to be a true sentimentalist?

These all came rambling faster than the pace of his ever increasing heart beat which had missed innumerable number of times as he got closer to her. He could hear his own heart beat thumping against his chest.

“Did she really mean when she said Take Care?”
“Didn’t she want to say anything more?”
“Won’t she miss me?”
“Take Care of those memories, those words and our friendship. Did she mean all that with those two words?” He was confused and wished to ask her about this.

The distance between both of them had started growing. He had slowed down. He stopped. He could see her walking down the road towards the circle. The circle wasn’t visible to him, but he had walked along with her to that place on the same right side of the road, she on his right. Six months back they both walked in that stormy dark night to catch the uncertain cab. Everything flashed before him like a movie.

He stood there firmly watching her slowly walk away from his life. He knew getting back to her was impractical. They would never be the same again. He couldn’t dare to move his eyes off her. She didn’t turn back as expected. But he wondered “Was she so special to me or am I afraid not to find some second person to fight with.”

He realized by then that he had compromised his life for his career. He knew where he stood and walked turning his back to her knowing that it was too late to change his decision. It was time to wipe off his face and let life play its role. He had just one thing to do – “Take Care”

Being Lonely

Being surrounded by friends, family, colleagues and strangers makes an impression that we are quite well off in life. Having everyone around and hanging around with friends at shopping malls and watching a movie does make us feel involved. We enjoy, chat, and have the moments which we cherish for lifetime.

But sometimes questions arise in the mind about our own self. Is this what we always want from life?

Sometimes this thought haunts me more than anything else. What is it that we live for? When we don't have a mission in life and we don't know where we are heading to we feel lost. Lost in the wild woods. We may be surrounded by hundreds people and life must be real fast and busy but still we would find something wanting. The loneliness prevails. Being lonely does not mean being alone. People misunderstand the word lonely and alone. You may be alone but you may not be lonely but even if you are not alone you might always stand a chance of being lonely.

There seems to be complete void and you fail to relate to anyone around you. Nothing seems to of your kind. No one seems to understand. Not even you yourself. Deep within your soul you thrive for something which makes the heart restless and mind unstable. Then you would like to settle down and be with yourself and prefer to be alone to introspect. This may sound spiritual or philosophical but this is exactly what occurs to each one of us.

Loneliness then becomes a part of life. What exactly you feel is your hunger for the future and thirst for the past. Life gets tough and hard to lead. The best way to overcome such circumstances is to confront a trusted friend of yours who listens to your problems. It may seem that there isn't any problem but when you speak out your hidden desires, ambitions, dreams and let your emotions vent it feels great. Sharing emotions and knowing that the other person exactly understands what one wants to convey, sets everything right. The sigh of relief from the heart can be felt.
There is no solution to loneliness but tenderness and soft feelings of words does make a difference.

The Mirage of Life

LIFE !
Life is a mirage. Mirage of hot summer where survival is not at its best. Each moment the longing thirsty heart waits for the way out of it. Taking each step forward gets as tough as giving life to a dead. But still one keeps trying to make the dead speak out as though the death would be the end of everything.
Life would keep kicking you for the worst. And you think there is something hidden out there for the rest. Twists and turns keeps one on the heel till the eternal end of the thriller called Life. You expect, you feel, you think, you dream, you aspire, you plan, you act and at the end of it all you prepare for the worst because life can always throw an unhandled exception.
Change which is the only constant is another deadly combination alongwith life. As it is always said, "Man proposes God disposes" makes one strong and bold knowing life is just a mirage. What we always look forward to and view as a likely possibility , we always realise it was just a mirage of the desert.
Life can promise everything for the longing heart which feels. We take decisions and start our action plan. But are we the ones who are taking the decision?
No!
It's life which takes them for us and we take the responsibility for it. And the worst thing of it all is no looking back. You are standing in this vast desert where you are reeling under the sun and there is no scope of going back to where you started from. You even don't know the end of it. You look forward and what you find is all the same, where at some place way ahead you see a ray of hope. 'Hope', which makes you walk faster defying the sun and as you get closer to what you thought to be the end is just yet another beginning to another mirage. But we are yet at another cross road! Another beginning of Life. You start afresh and people call it LIFE.

ITP

The first day seems to be so far from now.Its all past now and gone into the pages of history.But it would never fade away from the memory of all the ITPians for their rest of the life.

As I moved into the class only one thing that I identified was only me and me. All unknown faces around made me feel lost in the crowd. It was all very exciting though !

Days passed by and the programmer seemed to be so long and never ending. But today we have reached the end of it and I can definitely say that life of each one of us has taken a drastic turn. Twists and turns make it appear so interesting but going through all that was never easy.

Few faces that weren't familiar enough have now left impression for lifetime. Few voices which were never heard would always keep ringing and the ears would wait desparately to hear from them which isn't quite possible in the future. 30 students and one class, not all known to me but yes they are now some part of life. Recreating this life is never possible again.

Working together for two months was never a long period to know everyone perfectly. but was not too short enough to capture them in the heart !!

There won't be those fights with the person who came up as a big surprise like a gust of wind loud and clear banging into the ears. I was taken by surprise and instantly we went along to be known for our mischievious arguments and leg pulling. Enjoying all that was really a good experience to carry along to the future.

At this point when i sit in the class (supposedly the last formal day of technical training) how can I forget those coffee breaks and lunch breaks. Those were the peak hours of masti and enjoyment. Back to days where we worked long hours in the night. Quite a different experience with lots of interaction with people with whom I would have never known without working long. Sundays and saturndays being weekends never stopped us from coming to office. Thinking of those days, I just cherish those moments of enthrwall and frolick.

Few great friends coming up to make a good bond for the future were never far off in being close to heart. Mention of those names would not be a fault in any case -
Vinay, Chetan, Sutapa, Premjit, Manish, Bijeta, Swagatika, Afsana, Sana, Jyoti, Tanushri, Priya, Sandeep, Tintin, Rudra, Suman, Nishant and Sumit.
All these people would be there in the heart and mind even though we would move ahead in different directions and may not get next chance to be together again.

ITP might end, but life hasn't ended yet with high hopes and quite a lot of emotions attached with this event. Waiting to get another chance to be with one of them. Wit crossed fingers(not for peace tough ;) ) , I wish everyone get through and makes it big in their own way.

Three cheers ....for ITP !!

I Still blv dat relationships Decay

Few months back I had posted something on Decaying of relationships.After that post there had been many discussions with different people and somewhere deep within i had felt that my thoughts were contradicting my own beliefs.

But circumstances do make me feel once again that i was correct with my belief. I can still reiterate my words and say that yes relationships decay.

Lost faith on strangers !

Why do i trust strangers so early ? Why do i keep repeating my own mistakes ? Why dont i realise the truths of the world ? why do i expect so much from others and finally why do i bother for others when they hardly care or realize?????????

questions whose answers i don't need to know. I know what i am and what can be done...no one can change me or the way i think and in the process i have been hurt quite often just because i trust them so much. But everyone in this world was a stranger when we walked in to the world but we made relationships and it was trust and faith which has been the ingredients of all these. Right from having faith in the person whom we didn't know and then slowly calling her mom , we have trusted each and everyone who has come across us. Still I have not been the best in taking decisions regarding people. Well that's my weakness. I sometimes need to open my eyes before i move ahead with my trust. But again why do people play with it when they know that someone cares ?

It was never friendship and I thought that I lost a Friend !

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Talked to Jimmy on AIR....had been really impressed with DIL SE and had been eager to talk to him. I just wanted to let him know that he has been doing a fabulous job. But I definitely wanted him to connect me to one of those persons whom I wanted to say sorry...but then it was too late (2.30am)and i didn't want that person to find another reason to be angry with me. But it was really good to talk to Jimmy and find a few good thoughts. The best thing that he said was "Be Yourself" and that has really boosted me up in being what I am.

Talking to him, I have somehow got this feeling of being an RJ. Its really interesting job. While talking to Jimmy I could feel the background sound and the environment. I just got this idea of trying hand at that too...but i need time to nurture this dream and who knows some day I land up doing what I always wanted to. All on destiny though....

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Pune or not ???

Puzzle solved...I would definitely try to go to Pune...Make all the efforts to get transferred to Pune...had been thinking over this since long and finally today i felt that i should make this move. The place which i had been loving initially has suddenly made me quite uncomfortable. Few unwanted events and I find no enthusiasm in staying back. The most important reason that I have found the environment to be cool no more exists. There always exists some disturbance within. Not capable of coping with it I would choose to opt out of Kolkata. Venture into the new life at Pune. I hope I get my posting at Pune. But now, all depends on my PSG Head and I have my fingers crossed for the time to come.

Fingers crossed somehow mean something else to me. It means ....anyways will come to that in some other post.

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Plans are made to be changed. Had planned to go to B'lore in Puja vacation to meet all friends.Even plans of mumbai and Pune from there was all set...but these all vanished like a Monday blue...cant take leave since my training would not have been over by then...that's ridiculous...damn training...what wud happen to the plans ?

what about my friends ?

wen will i meet them ?

Been quite nostalgic off late...those pics which had been locked in the DVD were opened and parsed through to let the memories come in and make it rain....was quite happy though...coz i was going to B'lore to meet all of them. But then all crashed and now its all in the dust and no plans as of now....

Pathetic life...

The NAMESAKE

The Namesake !!

This word is self explanatory. The book was a great piece of work. Not to forget the movie either. The movie very well portrays the true picture of 1970s depicting the difference in social life at India and at US. Well I wont get into the movie and the review but the reason why I thought of writing about this is that this movie has quite a few resemblances to my life as well. though not in exact sense but definitely the way the love of parents has been worked upon gives the sense of reality.

There was a scene in the movie where Irfan(dad) takes his son Gogol(in childhood) to the sea shore and then to the dead end whr the stones meet the sea. The way Irfan has gone through the scene and the emotions that were pouring through the whole sequence I could nt stop imagining my child hood. It was for the first time that I realized what family means to me. Being far away from home I had never ever missed home and i was comfortably living my life except missing bhubaneswar and my friends. But when it came to my own family it was never missed cause being i always took it for granted. Anyone who has watched the movie would definitely feel wat i amd talking about. The perfect story to open ones eyes. Currently Dad,Mom,Sis and me all are at four different places and quite similar to the movie and I being Gogol though not in complete sense. But yeah I definitely hardly bothered abt my family.

This movie touched so much deep into my heart that my thoughts have changed and for the first time i missed my family a lot and wished if i could get into my childhood once again start living those beautiful moments once again. each and every moment of childhood flash before my eyes as if it was a movie running in front of my eyes.

It was 17thAugust night which I would hardly forget in my whole lifetime.

Frankly speaking I had never sent a miss u sms or a card to dad or mom or sis, but it was on this night that i sent miss u message to all three of them and I know they too realized how deeply I missed them because i did something which i never did earlier.All i can say is that the movie shows how the Russian Author Gogol changed the life of Irfan but here Irfan has definitely brought about a change in me. There is no doubt about it.

Namesake is a must watch for someone who wants to realize what family means and what children mean to their parents. What the parents undergo in bringing up their children and how its too late wen in fact we start realizing.

Lots of changes have come in these few days and that's why I have said earlier in my blog that i have seen life so much in these days which i have never seen in my lifetime.

May this change come for the GOOD !

Last Night At Heaven

What should go in someone's mind when he knows he is to leave heaven ???

What should be going on my mind ?

Finally the time has come which I had been waiting for since months...but not always this wait was out of excitement...many a times it was just the fact dat I would be leaving...having spent seven golden years of my life at this place which at the beginning was hell to me, has become my heaven.I know from now on coming back to bhubaneswar wont be the same as it used to be while i stayed here.Things have changed so rapidly.Nothing is left at this place for me.All my friends have left. When I come back wat i wud have is only my emotions and memories of this place. Each road and place at bbsr wud strike me with hundreds of emotions simultaneously, some sweet n some sour...but all would be so good when i come back.

Looking back I have got many things from this place...got some life long relationships and some life long memories. Bhubaneswar was never a place od my liking. I never wanted to come and stay here leaving my school and my place. But having come here and spent these years, I feel these years were not flown by time. It was quite steady process. I dont think time flew by but yeah time gave me everything that I aspired for. Had known that I would be leaving bbsr in 2007 since four years. But never visualized this day.But finally the day has come.I can see everything going around me.Busy with my packing I have nt got the time to think over this moment.But now when all set and I am waiting for only few hours from now, i can feel the bubbles in my stomach. The thought of leaving bbsr doesnt bother me much dan the thought of going to a new place.

Kolkata wud definitely be a a strange city and also a new beginning for my life. Life wont be the same hereafter. For the first time while talking to Dad I could feel the sense of urgency in getting responsible more than what I am now. Dad was really in a different frame of mind which is normally not the way I have seen him since my childhood. There were few words which were uttered and I just took and realized that dad was afraid of losing me. Few of such thoughts rambled around me too. Freedom is no doubt what I had aspired for. But now i feel responsibility comes with freedom.So i need to get more responsible. Now exposed to the whole world I can feel that till now I was under a safety cover of my family. The cover which was like the shield which protected me from all evil. Like a bird protects its children till they are ready to fly, every parent does the same. And today the time has come when the bird is ready to fly but still very afraid to be lost in the large sky which no more provides the protective shield. I wish I could always have dis shield along with me. But That would never be the case from now. Home is home and no better place to home. Mom's food and care and concern (which always appeared to be like intervention into my life) would be missed and I would wait with longing thoughts to come back HOME.

At these last hours i m blank without any thoughts,any feelings, not happy not sad. Just wanna be flown away by life the way it wants me to go. But yeah getting back the same life that I have had at bbsr would be impossible. Even when i come back to settle down here at my heaven it wont be the same like now. Life would have changed then. With fingers crossed I leave.

Babbye Bhubaneswar.
MISS U A LOT and the years that u gave me to live were the sunniest moments of my life.

Bye

LOVE YOU

PARZANIA - unfolding the truths of life

Parzania - just the word would suffice if you have gone through it.

I'm speechless and what's going through the mind is nothing but words,words that hold the truths of life. Never expected that a movie can change my idealogies and my complete thought process.

Gandhi never had been the one I supported. Non-violence was never my cup of tea. But violence was never witnessed too. The whole events that had taken place in Godhra and the whole of Gujarat, never bothered me and I never took an avid interest in it because it didnt occur to me. I knew lives were lost,people were butchered and innocence was massacred. An eye for an eye has engulfed the whole world. But I was unmoved.

But this picturization has such true aspects which has opened my eyes to the truths. Violence for any reason is never a solution. Thats the biggest lesson that I learnt. Godhra was no doubt a cowardly act by the people who wanted to disrrupt the peace, but the retaliation was never the solution. Moved by the violence in the movie I just can't imagine the reality. The actual happening can never be felt unless witnessed by yourself. The pain, the outcry and the blood were enough for one to experience what it would have meant to the people who were affected.

We watched news, read newspapers and discussed but our lives moved on smoothly. But there are people whose life would never get smooth. They have lost. And the most pathetic part in all this is the government. The sole responsibility of the situation is of the Government. U can't claim to have brought back life to normal having provided compensation. We are not talking of tables, chairs or furnitures. God damn we are talking of people, the lives. How can you compensate dat with just some ransome?

The government could have easily stopped it but it turned blind eye. And for the first time I hate being a Hindu. I hate myself because I have had this feeling that the sangh is working for the people. But how come ?? By the sangh I mean the VHP, RSS and also the political form of it as BJP. But that does not mean that the other parties are good enough. Where was the opposition party when this all occurred. I know its all vague to discuss it now or to question when it has all died out. But we still need to find the solution to it. The whole system has been politicised and sold in the name of religion. Religion should be one's reason to live and survive but not to kill. Any act of terror is always a act against your own religion.

But after all this, were the true culprits caught and punished ? I can still see the government of Gujarat living its happy life and the most unbelievable thing is that how could the same person be re-elected after the state has seen so much ? Is it that people have gone blind eye or the whole process of election was also manipulated ? But the bottom line is that violence is no solution. And somehow now I feel Gandhi was never wrong with his ways of nonviolence. Definitely he must have been strong enough to practise it when the whole country was being killed and cruelity was on the peak. But nonviolence and non co-operation have definitely earned the freedom. But why dont we realise it with such instances from history. Godhra and the after effects would no doubt be a black spot but should also be a learning lesson for one and all. And those who are taking the path to violence should give it a try and at least watch Parzania before leaping into the fire. What Parzania has shown, hardly anyother movie has done that.

Rahul Dholakia has done a great job by making this movie closest to reality though reality is not even one percent of it. But each move and scene has been very thoughfully carved out and not to forget the superb performance by all the actors and the actresses with special mention of Naseeruddin Shah and Sarika.

The under current of the movie is the sacrifices that parents give for their children. A child is more than anything else in the whole world for a father/mother. Naseeruddin's expressions make u feel like a dad and u can very well imagine yourself in his position and I hope I become someone like the character dat Naseeruddin played.

Life is so different from what we see and a single event can change one's whole life and it would never be the same ever. There are greater meanings to life than just coffee and sitting idle at home and enjoying a news in the news channels which have been commercialised too.

Awake and Act.

Do Relationships Decay ?

A thought which struck me long back. But I wanted to think on it first. And somehow today while interacting with a friend I got to hear something called boredom in relationships. A nice question asked - What if a relationship gets bored which is perfectly on the right track ? Everything is well and fine but what if someone feels bored and finds no 'Charm' in the relationship. That was tricky. My instant answer was then how do people marry and they don't get bored and continue to live life together till end. I still feel that its just the effect of western culture thats affecting our thought process. Someone would not have found this question a decade back. When it comes to relationship commitment is the key ingredient. Its not that we get into a relationship for our own self. I feel its for both the persons. this used to be the scenario before. But now any relationship you consider thr is a selfish reason. Thats our expectations and our own interest in it. Once our interest and expectations are fulfilled we feel the boredom. Is it natural or we keep expecting more and more which makes it boring and monotonous ? Arent we expecting too much from our relationships ???? Are we seriously looking for each other's happiness ? Are we getting into a materialistic world ???? All these questions tend to answer my own question " Do Relationships Decay".

Now coming to my very own question, I feel that every relationship comes with an expiry date. The moment the date ie the period expires the relationship starts to decay. Exactly like our Planet or a Star does. The decay may be spontaneous or very gradual which may not appear. But there is this decay that exists. I am not speaking of only one type of relationship. What I am talking of is every kind of relationship, may it be marriage, friendship, brotherhood, child-parent or even the kind that can't be named(which come at different level,something between love and friendship) . We can say it to be losing the charm or getting boredom. It may not be only materialistic reason for such decay. As we move on in life and we meet different people, our own thought process changes. Our requirements change. Our environment change. The same people with whom we used to be so close seem to be quite incapable of understanding out plight. Or we tend to lose our own sharing ability. We meet new people who belong to our own environment who can be more comfortable with. The comfort level is what matters. Slowly but steadily every relationship, even the ones we think is immortal starts to decay.

And who is it to be blamed for such occurance ? Is it we. Is it our selfish attitude. Is it our needs which change. I would prefer considering it to be time. Time changes everything. Even our needs. Well our environment too plays a critical role in this process. Another thing is our tight schedule and our busy life which leaves us with no time to analyse such changes and gives us no time to set everything right and to stop the process of decay.

Previously I used to be quite bothered when I used to lose contact or find that there exists no more the same kind of intimacy with people who mattered a lot in my life. I used to take it quite seriously and feel lost. Now I look back and find that every relationship that I used to be in, has changed with time. And its quite drastic too. Beginning from my own family members to my friends and even to my foes. The intensity of hatred that I used to have for some foe or person has decreased and I can say that I dont even consider him/her to be a foe anymore. It hardly matters whether he/she exists or not, whose existence on the surface of earth was a big botheration for me some years back !!

Same is the case with my friends and family too. Many people who mattered to me a lot, are no more in contact though they still matter a lot in my life. But its just that the process of decay has changed everything. It definitely hurts to look back and find that so much has changed. I wish I could get back to that time and make up everything the way it were. But that's not possible.

Well, now I feel that I need to accept each change. I need to look ahead to the new relationships that are waiting to be made. I need not stop and I should let life play its role. The best thing we can do is play our part best in any relationship, give in our best efforts to build it and be happy that it occurred. And regarding the past lost relationships we should again be happy that it was our part to be played and we played well and gave our 100 percent efforts. And that which was destined took place and we are at a better place. Here comes the true beleif in God, the supreme Power who regulates every action of ours and my faith increases on "Jo hota hai achhe ke liye hota hai".

I can thus watch each of my relationship decaying slowly but steadily. The watch is On !

Scars on The BODY...

Scars on the body,those signs of the past.There have been many scars on the body.The falls from the cycle have given many scars.The fear of falling and the imbalance just was sufficient for me to fall.To hit the pole,the tree and the people passing by.These scars remind me of those days when dad used to b the force behind my cycle.Moving on to the football field behind our home in the scorching heat of the sun just after the lunch.Thats what is adventure.Cant forget the days when dad wud take me with him for an icecream just for a reason to make me have a cycling on the road.
Still remember the first day i took the small but heavy cycle of our neighbour's into my hands.It was too big for me but too small in front of my dad's encouragement.Hadnt my dad given dat first push to the cycle den i would have never learnt how to ride a bicycle.Yes i moved on and on and on finally into the bush with the cycle hitting the lamp post on the road side.That was it !!sigh !! The injured hands n the scar on the knees still remain.But that was the first and last nervous ride i ever had.Dad said "until u dont fall on ur knees and dont get scars dat remain for ever u wont learn to b the best...." and man dat sentence struck me the most....

one lesson n den came many many scars on the body from the cricket field,from the corridors of school while running after each other(frnds),den from the bike with dose small n big accidents....but they haven't moved my determination to move ahead n be the best.The best in what ever i do.There have been scars on the mind and on the heart too....but the principles applies the same to all...

But !!

I hardly knew the scars that we get in the heart, in the mind and in the emotions r more painful n ever green dan the ones on the body....have really learnt how to bear all dose big scars on the body but when it come to the heart n mind i still feel i m achild....still require dat push from my Dad.I wanna him to b thr with dose small words.The encouragement to go ahead n touch the sky.missing his support at this level.Cant ask for it from him becuase now I m grown up n may b he too wont understand my problems n yes even if he does i cant b dat open to share all dat i suffer. How long will i keep bothering him ? Is it not enuff ?

Yes i must learn how to move ahead independently. I will move n i knw dad wud alwz be thr to give the little push whenever i require but the scars would remain and i m proud to have dem.They are the ones that have been my motivation and the integral part of me.

Scars on the body give joy and scars on the heart give pain!! i would prefer the former one....what wud you ?

The TREE !!

We have our midsems beginning tomorrow.But what am i doing here right now....its midnight and i should have been at my bed as i had been doing this for the last three years.But whts wrong today ?

Have i not completed my portion for tomorrow's paper?...

if dats not the case den wht is the thing which made me awake....is it that i m nt sleepy ?

yes i m sleepy n damn tired....but den why am i here ?

Well thr is a reason which made me came to my blog.At noon today as i was just going through my books and was trying hard to concentrate something just flashed in me...there was an urgency to write down...wht was dat i too didn't knw untill i started writing...i rushed for the pen n just tore out few papers from the lying notepad which had nt been used for months probably.

Then i went on and on penning down all that came to my mind.Surprisingly it was a TREE.

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A Tree standing alone on the dry deserted road side with no leaves or the bright shade which used to be a travellers delight.There are no more travellers on the road.The road waits for someone to travel,to come along it and be a company both to the Tree and itself(the road).

The Tree even does not have within, that something, which could give many of those lone travellers the company,the feeling of support and a place to rest for the rest of life.The Tree has lost its green, hasj only the dry trunk standing straight as if aspiring to touch the sky !!

Sigh !!

Seems to be just a hope.A dry hope.

The purpose is lost.People have left since the Tree is left with nothing to give.Why are people so selfish? Was the Tree only there to be used ?

It was made to be used and thrown into darkness of the dry scorching Sun.The Tree has lost its purpose but still stands there with no visible aim seen for the future. "why am I here? Whats my aim? Served others but none serve me!! Was this my destiny" cries the Tree, but none to hear...

The Tree survived all this and then the season changed.Hopes high for the Tree to have a companion, another visitor, another traveller to give shade to ; ready to be there for others anytime.But hardly does it realise that it will again be used , used till it sucks, and raped hundred of times and then would be left alone on the same road side when it sheds in the autumn.But this time he does not have the strenght to gain the green.Does not have that great a shade now.New trees have come along, with fresh vigour, denser shade and a promising support system with all new appeal to the travellers.Now no one needs Me(The Tree).

People's choices, needs have changed and also their priorities.May be they just don't need a good shade, a good tree but something more.A more fruitful tree bearing better fruits,serving better in every way; its other features which are not possible for this Tree to furnish.

And Sigh !!! No one needs Me now : I have nothing to give.Then why exist ? Why not leave the world ? Why keep waiting for the end to come. Come, Come and cut my left part - the trunk and finally that would also be of some Use to you.

Waiting to be slaughtered.To feel the all new sharpened edge of the axe, the sweet echoing sound of it touching my torn out body, to feel the pain which would give the never ending happiness that i've Served.

Come soon before its too late and even the trunk dies.Please come soon since I wanna be Used for the last and final time. - The Tree

Lost and Alone

I m Lost....lost in what;which i even dont know.

I dont know why i dont feel like doing those things which i loved the most....music is no more playing in my player, riding my scooty is no more a great pleasure, sharing thoughts with my best friend was never tuff before as now.Living in an illusion n a shell n feeling like the smaller it is the better it is.But whats the illusion even i dont know.Running from the fact dat i m a failure perhaps.Where is dat positive skills n mind set now?Is it that i lack perseverance.Never loved silence.But thats what is making me feel better.

It was never one of my characteristics.May b this is what is called maturity.I know this isnt the case.But if at all this means maturity den i beg not to attain this.I was better what i was before.I have lost my words.I have changed.I know this was nt expected so soon but may b was necessary.

I m lonely though people are around me all d time.Feeling this in my guts as if i have nothing left in me.I know this hardly matters to anyone but still feeling to write it out here.

Dont know wht is it but wanna to be all alone
Alone under the dark sky,
as dark as the world to me now.

Alone with my soul in the eternal bliss
Bliss with the feeling of being an Unit
Not even the presence of my own self,
giving rise to a redundancy of that Ultimate Bliss!

Alone for all years to come
alone for i have chosen
Chosen to be Alone.

Alone to be only with my tears
Tears that were born only for me
not knowing why i need to be alone

But its the desire burning in me
to be alone so that the silence prevails
Silence that is only...
Only meant to be alone!