How I Wish

how I wish, I had not felt this way
how I wish, you had not stolen my heart away
how I wish, I could forget the first time I had known of your existence
how I wish I could change the way your eyes had met mine the first day
how I wish, I could make the time fly away
how I wish, I would not miss you the way I do today
how I wish, I could stay happy all through the day
how I wish, I could have you for ever to stay
how I wish, I had nothing to lose
how I wish, I had known all I have is only you
how I wish, I could pick you from my memories
how I wish, I could feel you from my dreams
how I wish, I could hold your tears back
how I wish, I had never known how it hurts
when someone leaves you back with a void all over!

Back to the Past

It sometimes seems that years that have passed by won’t get back to you. Past is always a past. That which went by has to go and however you try, you can’t get it back. It is definitely true. Sometimes you may also want the past to be never in front of you. You want to leave your past. You ignore it. And as the years pass by one gets along and rarely do we face what we left behind.

Many a times, I have tried to leave behind many things. Though I would like to live my school days once more, I never intended to get back to many such memories which have haunted me for years. Circumstances which could even remind me of those few people for whom my memories had died and even the feelings.

But someone has rightly said, your past is always with you.

It was really a good feeling and one of those happiest moments for me when Father Joseph here at Pune. It was almost after five to six years that we met. We had been in touch at regular intervals but hadn’t got an opportunity to meet him personally. It was an amazing event for me at least in these few months time which occurred.

Having met him, I was reminded of everything absolute about school. Even the place where he halted was awesome. It was pretty similar to our school environment - Same building structure, the same kind of trees, the silence, the discipline and the exactly the same type of reading room where we sat down to have a chat.

It was a dream come true to meet Father after such a long time. He looked all the same and supposedly nothing has changed since the time I last saw him. But he has grown into being a more caring person. It really seemed to be different in the way he spoke. May be that he realized we are no more those school going kids anymore. But definitely that warmth existed.

We had a good talk about everyone from school. We discussed every person we knew. But the moment he spoke about her, I grew a bit uncomfortable. A call to her and there he was talking to her. I didn’t even know she was on the call. But it was so sudden that I didn’t know how to react. That’s what I was talking of. However you want, your past follows you and remains with you.

A sudden handover of the phone from Father to me, made me speak to her who I never intended to, and of course it was so weird to talk to the person whom you knew very well, but never could be in touch just because circumstances and things were never in your favor. Few flash of thoughts just in fraction of seconds. I was about to talk to the person whom I had forgotten after several attempts. The one talking to who now seemed to be very difficult. The person who pretended not to recognize me at the first instance was on the other side. Wow !! Under all these thoughts we were into a conversation which was so formal and so different. As if we had never spoken earlier.

The thing that actually moved my thoughts was that even after so many years, I had the same excitement, the same small nervousness, the trembling hands and same cracking voice. There was a lack of words and a steady flow of inconsistent statements. Though I appeared very strong and confident, I know what I went through for those few minutes. Her thought, her voice, her being in my world was not possible since years. I even didn’t want to but this time it was like I was back to those days and I wanted not to face it. In fact one’s past would surely come before him/her some day or other whenever one meets his/her old relationships. They would take you back knowing or unknowingly. Its just the fact that you would face the same past where you left it even after an era.

But somewhere deep inside, I again feel good that I spoke to her after such a long gap of three years. I was happy too for I could know about her. I was happy for her success and also for what she has achieved. It all meant good.

Thus I am really very nostalgic and my school days would keep me awake for few days now. I would be wondering about those corridors, the class rooms and the playground. But this place which is very close to my flat definitely has so many things similar to my school. The ambiance was pretty much similar and the circumstances are still the same after so many years. That’s what past is all about. Wherever you are, you would have to face it some day. But I wish I could face it in a better way the next time.

What should one do ?

A New Post

Suppose, you are in your office bus returning back home in late evening. You are on the right side window seat. And at the same time you find a beautiful lady with a charming face, sweet smile and of course a good height on the correspondingly opposite side i.e. on the left side window seat with no one else between the two of you. As usual, after a long day and of course yet another 1 hour travel left to reach home, it is expected that one would prefer looking out of the window [that’s why you took that seat da (trying out to write like a south Indian young writer because every fwd that u get regarding office, college and of course office bus are written and initiated by someone from Blore or Chennai but never Hyderabad, God only knows why) ] at the whole world around and think everything that’s irrelevant (because you would have never thought over those things had you not been idle). The lights, speeding car, the cross roads, the people around, the vast dark sky, the far invisible skyline, the disturbing radio playing on your phone (which you use even if you are actually not listening to music or the gossip in some regional language that would require more of your energy than you would require at your work place), all seem to be so beautiful. But a glance at the lady and what would you do then? Is it like you would continue looking at the other side of the window and keep yourself busy in your irrelevant thoughts or try and catch another glance of her acting as if the view on the other side of the window is greener? Now, many would answer saying No! They would not get affected at all and would continue with their irrelevant stuff. I too would answer with a big NO had I been asked by any of my friends.

Let us try it and be a bit more truthful. Why then, when she gets down, you actually start again with your same old irrelevant thought process and wait for your stoppage eagerly which initially you thought should never come closer and the bus should keep on moving with the only hope that she gets down at your stoppage incidentally.

Anyways, that’s a take from my today’s experience. But somehow writing this post was actually initiated by another thought. It was in the bus itself when it struck me to write down these words. In fact every word and sentence was framed while in the bus. I wish, I had a laptop (not a palm top or a blackberry’s carry your office with you just because its so uncomfortable to type things on their small keypad. How can one match his/her typing speed with the lightening speed of own thoughts? Sometimes it even gets tougher to manage to get everything typed with a laptop) every time along with me and I could write down each and everything that I wanted to. But conditions apply too. The laptop should be lighter and not a problem to carry everywhere. What about a memory card within your brain which could capture the things that you want to save for the later period? I won’t mind if I had to type it down when I get a system. But I should be able to get back every little thing that I wished to write in form of a cached thought. Seems like Abhisek has gone nuts and is over tech savvy these days while working with the WEB2.0 (would definitely come with a post on this someday, but not sure how soon…don’t expect me to write down as soon as possible since I m not that interested to explain to the world about the new technologies which could be found even without click of a mouse…how? One can use a joystick or a keyboard or even the newer versions of laser tip tops…sorry if it was too much :D ) and all that crap which was never required even during the most advanced Indus Valley Civilization. Well, you electronics and Biotech guys whoever is reading this please think of something which could solve my problem, and yeah be quick enough to achieve this before I die. And of course don’t forget to put my name as the brain child for your research. That would definitely be a tribute to my idea even though I wont ask for a royalty having copied my idea.

Ah! I have not even come to the sole point which I intended to write. Well, I wanted to dedicate this post to all those people who came into my life at some point of time, who influenced me, brought about a visible change (okay..not visible to all though but visible to me at least…dats why its intangibleabhisek), affected me, promised to stand by me at every step of mine whatsoever may be the circumstance and finally are no more in my life.( courtesy : lack of time, busy schedule, lost phone number, change of location and of course leaving without saying a bye) I know, I would never be back with those people individually. But somewhere I imagined how life would have been had these people still been there with me. What could have been the further changes in me? How would have they reacted to every thing around me and eventually how would I have conceived the never changing circumstances.

Finally I would like to wind up this as soon as possible else I would again get complain that my posts are pretty long and take too much of time to write. Sorry if this also seemed to be long. But I can’t write shorter. But I can always try to make it “short and short” nothing more than that.

Catch all of you later very soon (again I don’t know how soon but definitely it would be soon enough).

NB1: sorry for the inconvenience caused for all those extra bracketed texts.

NB2: no offence meant to anyone alive or dead and any resemblance to anyone around please get in touch with me. Wanna meet you soon [I mean asap (as soon as possible, bad habit gathered at office)].

How am I feeling today ?

Probably the last winter was the longest of all of them that i have witnessed in my whole life time. Generally winters have always been shorter for me because from childhood its been a tradition to prepare for exams during the winter. And during exams even long winters appeared to be too short just because we didnt have enough time to prepare for the exams. But this time it was something different. The winter had no such urgency to pass by. No exam fevers and no urgency. No deadlines and no work. Life had come to a stand still with loads of uncertainity with it.

For me getting back to blogging was a dream. its after this long winter hibernation that I am back to write down with blank mind. Its after those beautiful days at Kolkata that I am eagerly willing to write down with all my feelings on the blogspot platform. Whatever posts have come recently, have always come with a preoccupied thought or an intention to write on a particular thought.

Anyways lets start it now.

Lot of water has gone under the bridge in these few months. Transition from Kolkata life to Pune life was the most toughest job on my part. Somehow I am still in the process of trasition and would probably fail to completely do so. Efforts have always gone to take a release right from the beginning. But it has not yet materialised. Recently rays of hope appeared like a mirage and supposedly I am still under the same mirage effect expecting a release. Waiting for it desparately to fly back like a free bird. Feels like a lost bird searching for his homeland. It would definitely be a battle won when I get the release.

But somehow at work I have learnt a lot of things. Not technical stuff (though I can't deny that also) but the primary thing that I learnt here at work is Professionalism in IT Industry. The things that I learnt are -

1. How to write a short mail or even make it shortest.

2. Whom to mail and when.

3. How to play with To and Cc option.(Most important thing to have learnt that every professional must know how to handle and i suppose i have mastered this skill)

4. Never to use Bcc in office.

5. How to take con calls

6. What to speak and what not to speak on a call (though i am still in a learning phase for this case)

7. How to sip coffee during con calls.

8. How to handle issues. (not technical ones though)

9. How to keep smiling all the time and keep the anger under control.

10. How to reply to personal mails and keep chatting through mails even when u r dead busy.

11. Skill to use reply to all option in personal mails also.

12. How to bunk office as well.(greatest skill set aquired while on bench)

Look there are a dozen of things that i have learnt. Wanna learn what professional life is and how to handle it come to Pune. City of professionalism.

Spending the whole day inside my room and skipping prepared hot lunch may sound too strange. But yes, I didnt feel like. Reason not very sure. Well it was for the first time at Pune that I was there at home during the afternoon time on a holiday. At Kolkata we generally took not-so-deliciously-prepared-lunch-of-masi together on holidays at home. But today I wanted to be a share holder of that lunch once again. The worst part is when i start comparing everything with kolkata and then i am the worst. Not realising life can never be the same again.

Suffering from fever and mild cold, I preferred to stay indoor and take rest. Though I had no plans to do what I did the whole day, but definitely it helped me a lot. Did quite a lot of orkutting, logged into Yahoo Messenger and Gmail at a time and that too had a few chats. The feeling of getting back to old netting days came and went before I could restore it for long. Bit of self introspection and reliving the past memories. Albums, slambooks and few old songs that used to play every now and then on my media player were all removed out of dust. Giving life to few of relationships which also had gone into hibernation. Talks with Partha, Jyoti and Nammo for the time being could make me feel at home. Those college going guy's feeling and of course the unprofessional talks made the day.

Henceforth will try to keep track of few of the things -

1. Revive contacts with few lost friends like Himanshu, Pallavi and Swati being the first on the list.

2. Getting back to net life.( not the intranet life at office though)

3. Revive my own blogging spirit.

4. Keep up with my passion with radio which I had developed at Kolkata...luckily 92.7 here at Pune is now available and also up to the mark with respect to the other useless stations.

At the end of it all, feeling like a small balloon try to rise against the heavy load of the work pressure. Being connected with the passion and life that has always been a part of you is something very satisfying and heart warming.

Expecting the coming month to be a exciting one for quite a few reasons. Firstly Manish would be shifting to my flat for a month. Definitely that would be fun and may be my desire to go back to Kolkata would keep making me more desparate and broken with each effort going into waters while expecting a release. Secondly, the Malaysia trip for which I had been working hard since October which has finally materialized. A week of excitement and learning as well. Hoping to see some expectations getting fulfilled in that sense as well.

Few expectations which have never materialized till now would definitely keep haunting me though. Expectations from people without whom my life seems to be incomplete. There are few who are part of life and there are few without whom life can never be complete. Struggling to identify them and when it comes to expectations, I would prefer taking another day to come on that. May be I would be back tomorrow itself in my urge to being connected to my passion of writing.

Being Lonely

Being surrounded by friends, family, colleagues and strangers makes an impression that we are quite well off in life. Having everyone around and hanging around with friends at shopping malls and watching a movie does make us feel involved. We enjoy, chat, and have the moments which we cherish for lifetime.

But sometimes questions arise in the mind about our own self. Is this what we always want from life?

Sometimes this thought haunts me more than anything else. What is it that we live for? When we don't have a mission in life and we don't know where we are heading to we feel lost. Lost in the wild woods. We may be surrounded by hundreds people and life must be real fast and busy but still we would find something wanting. The loneliness prevails. Being lonely does not mean being alone. People misunderstand the word lonely and alone. You may be alone but you may not be lonely but even if you are not alone you might always stand a chance of being lonely.

There seems to be complete void and you fail to relate to anyone around you. Nothing seems to of your kind. No one seems to understand. Not even you yourself. Deep within your soul you thrive for something which makes the heart restless and mind unstable. Then you would like to settle down and be with yourself and prefer to be alone to introspect. This may sound spiritual or philosophical but this is exactly what occurs to each one of us.

Loneliness then becomes a part of life. What exactly you feel is your hunger for the future and thirst for the past. Life gets tough and hard to lead. The best way to overcome such circumstances is to confront a trusted friend of yours who listens to your problems. It may seem that there isn't any problem but when you speak out your hidden desires, ambitions, dreams and let your emotions vent it feels great. Sharing emotions and knowing that the other person exactly understands what one wants to convey, sets everything right. The sigh of relief from the heart can be felt.
There is no solution to loneliness but tenderness and soft feelings of words does make a difference.

The Mirage of Life

LIFE !
Life is a mirage. Mirage of hot summer where survival is not at its best. Each moment the longing thirsty heart waits for the way out of it. Taking each step forward gets as tough as giving life to a dead. But still one keeps trying to make the dead speak out as though the death would be the end of everything.
Life would keep kicking you for the worst. And you think there is something hidden out there for the rest. Twists and turns keeps one on the heel till the eternal end of the thriller called Life. You expect, you feel, you think, you dream, you aspire, you plan, you act and at the end of it all you prepare for the worst because life can always throw an unhandled exception.
Change which is the only constant is another deadly combination alongwith life. As it is always said, "Man proposes God disposes" makes one strong and bold knowing life is just a mirage. What we always look forward to and view as a likely possibility , we always realise it was just a mirage of the desert.
Life can promise everything for the longing heart which feels. We take decisions and start our action plan. But are we the ones who are taking the decision?
No!
It's life which takes them for us and we take the responsibility for it. And the worst thing of it all is no looking back. You are standing in this vast desert where you are reeling under the sun and there is no scope of going back to where you started from. You even don't know the end of it. You look forward and what you find is all the same, where at some place way ahead you see a ray of hope. 'Hope', which makes you walk faster defying the sun and as you get closer to what you thought to be the end is just yet another beginning to another mirage. But we are yet at another cross road! Another beginning of Life. You start afresh and people call it LIFE.

Evening Life is Back !

It had been more than 2 months that I had not seen dusk...and I had not seen the twilight...
evening for me had been a dream. We used to get into the office building in d morning and getout of it in the late night. It was after so long time that I got a chance to move around in the evening under the open sky....many thoughts flashed through the mind...right from the school days of playing cricket in the evening was a must followed by the memories of my engg college days when we all friends would sit at the OAT or the stairs of the D-Block and have a cool time with the wind blowing swiftly making the environment come alive. Today after so many days here at kolkata i could feel the same breeze and the brisk touch of it.

It was just amazing to feel the breeze and have my head watch the high flying aeroplane shining in the slanting sun light high above. It was an amazing sight to watch after long time. The best thing was that I was completely out of any tension and worries....it was so very cool and light...

If that was yesterday then today too wasn't too bad evening. There were moments to cherish and close them in the heart. It must become a habit to come down to the ground floor and sit just on the road divider with the friends and have a few lighter moments and feel the cool of the evening. Evening is such an amazing time which makes the heart fly with the birds flying back home.The twilight falling into the eyes makes everything look so colorful and beautiful. Friends have got closer by now and the compatibility level has definitely been increasing day by day. I wish this continues as long as possible. I wish we have such small moments daily in our lives to make our stay in Tech Mahindra more beautiful. Life no doubt has got lot easier and more promising. Just a wish that all goes well !!

God bless all !

Do Relationships Decay ?

A thought which struck me long back. But I wanted to think on it first. And somehow today while interacting with a friend I got to hear something called boredom in relationships. A nice question asked - What if a relationship gets bored which is perfectly on the right track ? Everything is well and fine but what if someone feels bored and finds no 'Charm' in the relationship. That was tricky. My instant answer was then how do people marry and they don't get bored and continue to live life together till end. I still feel that its just the effect of western culture thats affecting our thought process. Someone would not have found this question a decade back. When it comes to relationship commitment is the key ingredient. Its not that we get into a relationship for our own self. I feel its for both the persons. this used to be the scenario before. But now any relationship you consider thr is a selfish reason. Thats our expectations and our own interest in it. Once our interest and expectations are fulfilled we feel the boredom. Is it natural or we keep expecting more and more which makes it boring and monotonous ? Arent we expecting too much from our relationships ???? Are we seriously looking for each other's happiness ? Are we getting into a materialistic world ???? All these questions tend to answer my own question " Do Relationships Decay".

Now coming to my very own question, I feel that every relationship comes with an expiry date. The moment the date ie the period expires the relationship starts to decay. Exactly like our Planet or a Star does. The decay may be spontaneous or very gradual which may not appear. But there is this decay that exists. I am not speaking of only one type of relationship. What I am talking of is every kind of relationship, may it be marriage, friendship, brotherhood, child-parent or even the kind that can't be named(which come at different level,something between love and friendship) . We can say it to be losing the charm or getting boredom. It may not be only materialistic reason for such decay. As we move on in life and we meet different people, our own thought process changes. Our requirements change. Our environment change. The same people with whom we used to be so close seem to be quite incapable of understanding out plight. Or we tend to lose our own sharing ability. We meet new people who belong to our own environment who can be more comfortable with. The comfort level is what matters. Slowly but steadily every relationship, even the ones we think is immortal starts to decay.

And who is it to be blamed for such occurance ? Is it we. Is it our selfish attitude. Is it our needs which change. I would prefer considering it to be time. Time changes everything. Even our needs. Well our environment too plays a critical role in this process. Another thing is our tight schedule and our busy life which leaves us with no time to analyse such changes and gives us no time to set everything right and to stop the process of decay.

Previously I used to be quite bothered when I used to lose contact or find that there exists no more the same kind of intimacy with people who mattered a lot in my life. I used to take it quite seriously and feel lost. Now I look back and find that every relationship that I used to be in, has changed with time. And its quite drastic too. Beginning from my own family members to my friends and even to my foes. The intensity of hatred that I used to have for some foe or person has decreased and I can say that I dont even consider him/her to be a foe anymore. It hardly matters whether he/she exists or not, whose existence on the surface of earth was a big botheration for me some years back !!

Same is the case with my friends and family too. Many people who mattered to me a lot, are no more in contact though they still matter a lot in my life. But its just that the process of decay has changed everything. It definitely hurts to look back and find that so much has changed. I wish I could get back to that time and make up everything the way it were. But that's not possible.

Well, now I feel that I need to accept each change. I need to look ahead to the new relationships that are waiting to be made. I need not stop and I should let life play its role. The best thing we can do is play our part best in any relationship, give in our best efforts to build it and be happy that it occurred. And regarding the past lost relationships we should again be happy that it was our part to be played and we played well and gave our 100 percent efforts. And that which was destined took place and we are at a better place. Here comes the true beleif in God, the supreme Power who regulates every action of ours and my faith increases on "Jo hota hai achhe ke liye hota hai".

I can thus watch each of my relationship decaying slowly but steadily. The watch is On !