Feels like i am standing at the same point where I stood two years back. No it's not about joining a new job. But currently I am facing yet another cross road. I remember the words "to be or not to be.." well yeah they r the famous words but i remember someone close say these to me.. and today, not exactly today but in the recent times i have these words crossing my mind quite often.
How does it feel if you find yourself in a situation where you were two years back ?? I had come to Pune, no friends, not even a single known face. After two years i feel the same. I am still at Pune..for those who might wonder where i am currently.. but... i still feel the same.. not many people i know.. n thats in a very literal way.. i mean it.. not many know me... in fact no one knows me...who i am.. i am lost somewhere...
recently i shifted my flat...new room mates.. old buddies left to the other part of the city.. the very next day i was shifted to another office.. ie sharda... the only reason of parting from my friends was to stay close to office... bt in vain...every effort to make my wishes work fails... going to sharda seems like a transfer to me.. new flat...new people at home, at office... though ppl whom i meet are my team mates... bt i used to meet them only at team parties n I had met all of them only twice or thrice before I started seeing them every day at sharda.. thr was even a team mate whom I hadn’t met until I got shifted to sharda.. n moving to sharda wasn’t even easy.. it took me completely two weeks to get my .pst file(outlook offline mailbox) shifted to sharda.. Gosh.. it was 4GB.. having preserved all the mails since two years…don’t know if I would even read them twice… bt having them gives a feeling of familiarity..
travelling to sharda through bus has a completely new but different experience.. though hectic it teaches u many things in life… u get to see that u r not the only person who is around working hard.. there are even people who have been doing the same thing since ages.. just for their families…
it was this time of last year that I had been trying for a transfer to Kolkata… bt I had failed at that attempt.. n now again after a year I feel the urge to get back to Kolkata.. at least I could do something for my family.. after all that’s why we exists… moreover, today or tomorrow I would be changing my project since in few months from now our project would go to some other company.. so why not now when I can get a project at Kolkata…who knows after three months I may nt even get a project there…
meantime, prachi too left pune.. and probably her leaving has added to this U turn feeling… she had been there with me since 2004 and after long five years of togetherness I ought to have this void around me...
There seems to be too much of confusion..
First, I know switch is not that a tough thing to do..even during this tough market scenario bt even after a switch I will be at the same place whr I m today.. I wont get to be a CEO instantly.. and it wouldnt help me personally either…nothing gonna change…
MBA…super cool option.. I know this can be best thing I can do.. bt I don’t knw why I fail to put in the effort…may be its because of complacency… of the backup that I have in form of a job.. i need to burn my boats...close all the options...I know I have it in me to crack CAT but nothing is achieved without hardwork.. so I need to put in efforts… bt somewhere I too don’t feel to change my direction when I have already invested my two years somewhere else.. how is this going to help? Shouldn’t I carry on in the same domain.. in the technology rather than getting into management?? But I do realize that we at IT don’t have something great at our hand… even a 10th grade student can do the same if given training for a month n if he knows how to handle a PC…nothing great..
And funny it may sound.. somewhere in the back of my mind… I too think I should give it a try for civil services… bt I feel I have a kind of inclination towards the arts subjects.. sociology, philosophy, psychology, history(though m very poor at memorizing), geography… bt it’s a touch nut to crack wen I hv least idea about such subjects….
Currently, every day ahead is so very blank like never before.. so very confused… I feel I need to have an opinion poll…
Please suggest!
P.S: For the first time I have written so openly about myself just for a fair opinion. Hope it didn’t bother you much.
I have been going through lot many thoughts these days. Just didn't the outlet till now. Thank god. Few proxies too work at office :)
Before I get started, I would like to give the news up front. Finally I accepted a project at Pune. Sometimes we need to adjust to circumstances and let life play. Have been really busy these days and this is the time which makes me think. Thoughts keep crossing without giving you a chance to even think about that thought.
Recently when I was with my room mates discussing everything on the top of the world I got a suggestion from one of my very good friends, Rahul, to write a book. I mean I know I can write a book. He could convince me that I can get along and think seriously to write a book. I too want to write a book but had never analyzed anything on what kind of book it must be. But yeah, after the suggestion that night I could not stop thinking about the subject. I got it and even I have planned for it. The way it would start and the whole story is before me. But I don’t know seriously when I can begin it. May be I can start after this year. But definitely that discussion with Rahul and Vivek has opened the flood gates for me to think for my dreams. A publishing house of my own is a dream. But how far I achieve this is a big question mark.
My leaves have been cancelled for the Puja vacation and I would only be taking a leave after 15th, Jan 2009. That’s sad but currently I am focused on my job and may be this is the field which I have ignored the most. But slowly but steadily am getting everything into the groove. Things are settling down and I have started enjoying what I am doing. That’s the most important thing which I need.
Getting back on track feels great and in the process I’m least bothered about anything around me. Things are changing but I have taken this responsibility to make things the way I want it to be and leave the rest what I don’t care about. Loving this time where I have found time for myself. Orkutting, checking mails and of course blogging have made life better and of course the new pressure cooker situation is making it feel good. Few movies in the last few weekends complete the quota of movies that I needed to complete. Few night shows and small hang outs at Adlabs make life better. The best ones being Jaane Tu…Ya Jaane Na, Bachna Ae Hasino, Mumbai Meri Jaan and Rock On. A trip to Mumbai two weeks back was more special with Chicku and her friends. Mumbai is no doubt a city of dreams – “Sapno ki Nagri”.
I have seen many Oriyas who stay outside Orissa and forget their own culture.Came across a good fine friend who proved me wrong. Having stayed outside the state since birth, it is expected that you won’t know anything about your motherland. But it was surprising to note that the person is grounded to the roots which made me feel great at office. Such people are examples for those who don’t give a damn to their culture when they leave their own land. Its not about an Oriya or Marathi but what I want to project is that we better know our own culture. Some people may not agree with this thought but I don’t feel sorry for what I say. Rather we can look at this thought from a broader sense. We as Indians don’t actually understand our own priceless history and culture but ask an NRI who has not visited India since 10 years. He would rather be more connected to his/her land. He must be asking his children to learn more about their country India but we as Indians fail to feel great about our own country. We have proved to be the best in all the fields and even we are improving in Olympics but we don’t care to take this forward. Few weeks back Abhinav Bindra wrote for The Times of India as a guest editor. His thought was really very crystal clear and he has proved to be worth his Gold Medal. I have been following his few interviews and other pieces of articles that come about him and his take on the field of sport needs to be considered if we want India to excel in Olympics. We need to grow as a country and be proud about ourselves.
Singur crisis has uncovered the truth about politicians who do anything for their own good. Tata industries have the reputation of being an organization who has given back to the society and to the country. The Nano Car being the best example. Even the employee satisfaction and the way they feel for their people need not be mentioned. But after all this that they have faced, I feel if these things continue it would be never in near future that we can see India as a super economy. For the petty politics and self benefit, our politicians would ruin the country and seeing India at the top would always remain as a dream. Its sad that the whole country is busy watching game shows, not at all funny comedy shows and the pathetic news channels. But in all this, the way Mukesh Ambani, The Birlas and The Godrejs have come up addressing the issue and shown their suppprt for The Tatas, no doubt our Corporate have been progressive and matured themselves to a great extent for the development of the country leaving aside their own rivalries and cut throat competitions. Definitely a good sign for the growth of the country.
I have been blogging since long. Didnt realise that it has almost been two years from now that i posted my first blog. Believe me its not easy to continue doing this unless there is some inspiration to do so. To start it was a big task for me.
How did it start then ?
Well, i had plans for getting into this world long before i posted my first blog out here. Had even created my own account. I remember, then blogger was a different identity altogether with nothing like google behind it. Somehow one day when i was just logging in i found that it has been taken up by google. Became easier for me to transform my account to gmail a/c and thus more easier for me to forget about blogging as life used to be on a different track with other priorities. Never did i realise why should i go for this world.I was curious to give it a try since i had heard a lot about it then.Life was orkut much more than anything else though on the later stages orkut still continued to play a good role in my life. But thanks to orkut that i got my inspiration(in person) who could explain to me my real priorities and the true potential that this world of blogging has. I agree that blogging practices are of different types. And my expectations initially was to address a huge audience with something really innovative and different. Somewhere i was waiting for something different to do. Make it really Big! And thus i kept on waiting and waiting than going for it.
But things changed so rapidly that i never realised that I was into my first blog after waiting for over a year. Thanks to the person who inspired me about blogging. It was she who actually had been blogging since long. After going through her blogs i realised that i didnt need a big theme to go for it. it can be kept simply simple. Interacting with her about everything in life gave me a complete different idea about how i looked at things. Though my writing skills can never match her type but what i realised was that i need not be a big writer or a scholar to start it. What i needed was to be truthful to myself in carrying it further. Many small things inspired me from her blog which i had never realised ever in my life. Every aspect of her writing was different from the other.
Thats how i started my journey which i was not sure of where was i heading to. how was it going to help me. Only thing that i had, was to write my heart out. lots of encouragement and support with every post from her actually kept on pushing me. As the journey had stated it was just a process which i needed to continue. I had started loving what i was doing and slowly i realised that it was what i had been looking for. Posting frequently became a habbit as she would keep waiting for my next post. This always gave a reason to go ahead. Things started to roll on and on. In the process, i got to know a different person. It was none other than me! And thanks to her for making me realise what i was.It was her endeavour in giving me very truthful feedback which helped me get better and better. She had always been a perfect critic of my posts.
For over a period of six months i kept on rolling the ball which i loved to play with. And during that she hadn't stopped writing either. Her blogs and few more blogs suggested by her helped me know what it exactly meant to write it on the blog rather than a diary. I know what i write generally does not have much of interest to people who are not connected to me. But it hardly matters. I don't write it out here for someone to read. I write it for the reason that i wanna write it. Just putting my perception to everything that goes around me. Tellig you all this has definitely has a reason. Reason to thank the person who helped me come so far. Giving all the credits to my source of inspiration. Hadn't she come into my life i would have never ever started this beautiful journey. Hadn't she figured out me and understood me as a person i would not have been writing this today. Its all credit to her that I stand here. She came into my life as if it was only for this purpose.To make me start this journey and continue it futher. Today as i sit down to think about all that occurred, she isn't there in touch with me for more than one and half year now. She has even stopped blogging. I can't accept that she has left writing. Reasons for these changes are unknown and i have no scope to find it out either. But i am not convinced that she has left writing. She could never do so. Just like air that we breath, writing was life for her. She could live without air but without writing i suppose it would raise quite a few eyebros who knew her deep down.
For her there may be many reasons for not coming into the public with her writings. But for me i can't even find a single reason for which she has not kept it going. With all my curiousity i still wait for her blog to get updated someday. I hope she still goes through my blogs and finds this today. Its impossible that she wouldn't be going through this because i know how she used to read my posts as soon as they got posted. Sometimes this really bothers me. Restlessness creeps in with many different fears raising their heads like demons within me. Fears which i can't explain. But there has to be something wrong with her.
Even after contacting her after such long period i couldn't make out the reason. Just like a mystery it has denied to unfold itself. Unfold the real truth which i am unaware of. Awaiting time to give me a chance someday to know the reality. But supposedly those of my fears shouldn't come out true. Praying God for everything to be fine.
Finally, I would thank her once again for making me get into this journey. If you are reading this Neha, then I would appeal to you to get back to blogging. Come back to this world and if you don't intend to then at least let me know the truth. Now its not under my senses anymore. And please give a second thought to your decision. Do get back.
Don't have any other means to convey my thanks other than this. Hope you read it someday.
Something I wrote five years back in my Diary's First page:
There is a Path in everybody's Mind
A Path that beckons to destinations beyond
call it Ambition or Desire or Dream
A Path that spurs us on to Goals
That leads us progressively
From one Peak to another.
When a path is not seen,we feel lost
Then emerges the true spirit of Man
And a way is found out or Built.
Looking back we realise that
we have made the Impossible Possible.
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