An open letter to my future life partner

Dearest Future Life Partner,

In the times when majority of the people of this generation are either heart broken or are afraid of being broken, I might sound old school. But I want you to know about four things that I believe would make our relationship work for a lifetime.

1. Understanding each other and the perspectives that we bring into our lives. Understanding of the situations that both of us are in and understanding what we are in reality. Understanding what our inner truth is and being there for each other when we need the most. Understanding that even if we fight we will still be together at the end of the day. Understanding the emotions that we will share for lifetime. Understanding that we will be there for each other no matter what.

2. Respect for each other's individuality & dignity. Respect for each other's space & privacy, respect for each other's beliefs, respect for each other's family & friends, respect for each other's choices & likes or dislikes. Respect for each other's careers along with respect for each other as we are. Respect for each other without being judged.

3. Trust that we will stand by for each other no matter what. Trust that we will vow to believe in each other and move together for each one's growth and well being. Trust that we wouldn't ever feel the need to break away from each other. Trust that we will be there together forever and beyond.

4. Love that will keep us bonded for always and forever not because it's love but because we understand, respect and trust each other with our lives. That we will fight back from the lows in our relationship for the only reason being the love for each other. Love that will require not to be said but felt.

Yours truly forever
Future life partner

Moving On...

Life Moves On! How surprising it may sound but life truly moves on.

One and half years!! :) Well of course, things don't seem to move. Been through lots of things but few things keep coming back - Your true Self! Circumstances!! All that changes is one's approach to each one of them. One learns more about self and the way one should behave.

Look around and think of the time gone by, you would realise how things have gone through metamorphosis and how life has given a chance to live it again! It may not always be lilies and roses but the fragrance does exist. Go around the park and explore the world. It's not always thrones!

I have my Sunflower, check what you get :)

Good Luck!

Abhi

How I Wish

how I wish, I had not felt this way
how I wish, you had not stolen my heart away
how I wish, I could forget the first time I had known of your existence
how I wish I could change the way your eyes had met mine the first day
how I wish, I could make the time fly away
how I wish, I would not miss you the way I do today
how I wish, I could stay happy all through the day
how I wish, I could have you for ever to stay
how I wish, I had nothing to lose
how I wish, I had known all I have is only you
how I wish, I could pick you from my memories
how I wish, I could feel you from my dreams
how I wish, I could hold your tears back
how I wish, I had never known how it hurts
when someone leaves you back with a void all over!

2010 Round Up!

Every year that comes by has some story to tell and 2010 is no different. But this would be my first blog regarding a flash back at the year end. Unlike other years that passed by, 2010 has been a year worth looking back at. If 2007 was one of the years of my life which saw changes coming drastically in me from being a student to a professional, then 2010 was one which brought me back from a completely professional life to a balanced life which had certain things to keep for lifetime.

1. Trips back home twice in the year is a mark in itself. Going back and getting in touch with your family, friends, visiting your best hangouts like Ekamra Hatta, Shri Jagannath Temple, Puri beaches brought me back to life and I got connected once again.

2. From childhood to adulthood, never felt like I have grown up until I attended marriage of a friend for the first time. Chicku's wedding was a special event which brought me to reality - We have all grown up and now its time to take responsibility of our own life. Of course along with it brought back the memories of my childhood as I visited Talcher after 7 long years. It made me nostalgic for sure but made it obvious that how life has changed and however we wish we can never get back to our school days. They would remain the best days of my life. My heart felt wishes to her for a grand married life full of love, success and happiness.

3. Not sooner than expected, successful tieing of Knot of Anup and Pragyna in
mid year strengthened my belief in Love Marriages. They are a couple made for each other and have set an example in itself. Wishing both of them a Great life ahead, God Bless you Both.

4. Formation of Hum Paanch Group - As I wondered about season, reason and lifetime in my previous post, I realised I had a handful of them around me and I feel blessed to have them for lifetime. Thank you guys for everything! Vishal, Manish, Sonali, Dipika you four give reason to live life for a lifetime.

5. Few friends gone by, making a comeback makes me feel good about the years to come. This of course strengthened my belief on the saying 'Friends are forever'. Long live our friendship. Cheers to each one of them for standing by my side in all circumstances!

6. 2010 took me one step ahead in my career and not to forget the tough times I had in changing my Organisation. However my association with TechM over the last three years have been eventful and happening. I would for sure miss my first organisation which gave me the platform for what I am today. Thanks to all the people whom I met, I worked with and with whom I created connection for a lifetime. Time spent at Tech Mahindra would always be fresh in my mind and would be there as a happy memory.

7. Realization of the fact that no matter how I felt about Pune initially, now I feel like home when in Pune. Not a bad place to live in. I have always been a bit skeptical with change of place and have faced difficulties whenever I relocated but this time around I find it next to impossible to move away from a place where I have lived my precious three years. Its not the place but the experience out here that has pulled me back. Having struggled hard all alone to get settled and get a life here was the most difficult thing over the years and I truly believe I need to preserve what I have achieved being at Pune. Looking forward to continue it the way it has been so far.

8. One of the best thing to have happened over the last year - Sarah Hina's post as a guest blogger on my blog. Her enthusiasm towards blogging brought me back to my world and my sincere thanks to her for being so very considerate with my request.

These were few of the best things that 2010 had to offer. There have been many such things which are beyond my capability to express. There have been bad moments as well but I would prefer forgetting them and collect them as part of my tryst with Life.

Striking The Right Chord

There are several mails that float on the internet as forwards. In one of the forwarded mails I had read something which has been making me think for quite sometime now. I am not aware of the author, so I would keep the author as anonymous. 

"People meet for a Reason, for a Season or for a Lifetime." - Anonymous

How true the thought is! Ever since I read this quote, I started evaluating all those people I have met in my life and whom I remember till now. I have met uncountable number of people in my school, in my childhood days, in college, in graduation, at  my workplace, in my neighborhood and of course others who have come across me as a surprise. Many have left, many are still in touch and perhaps there are only a few who would be there with me for my whole lifetime. What makes me wonder today is what could have been the chord which connected us? Was it for a reason or for a season or for a lifetime. And I agree all are not for a lifetime. 

Those who have already left me had come into my life for either a reason or for a season. It is really amazing to realize who all were there for a reason because now when I sit down and think about all these people I find a reason behind our meeting each other. There were many learnings that I carry  forward and now I know the reason why we met. And for those who were there for a season, all I can say is that, they would still be there in my memory for long but I can hardly find a reason behind our meeting - that upsets me altogether.

Now, for all those who are there in touch, I am yet to realize which category they would fall into. Fingers crossed I await for the reasoning in me to categorize that.

But, the next question that dwells within me is what about all those new people whom we meet daily. And surprisingly there are many who have hit the right chord straight away. There seems to be some connection already existing prior to our meeting and that makes me think if our meeting each other was just a matter of coincidence or for a reason? I fail to know what could it be. However, I realize that it's not the days, months or years of interaction which decides if someone is for lifetime. But what matters is, striking the right chord differentiates someone from the rest. Yet the watch is ON!

A few lines from one of my favorite Odiya songs goes below -

'Baata re chalu chalu,

kebe kiye.... dekha hue...

mane rahe naaaa.. 

kichi loka kichi chehraa... haayeee

kichi loka kichi chehra...

mane rahe... bhuli hue naa....'

Well, before I sign off I would like to convey all my heartiest wishes for someone who celebrates her Birthday today on 1st September. A perfect Virgo, as she is, has come a long way from being just an acquaintance to a very good friend in such a short period of time. That's what I believe striking-the-right-chord is all about.

Signing off

Abhi 

Night – The Shield

Seems like the blogging bug has yet again bitten me!

It’s 5.45am as I start writing. Should I say it to be early morning or late night? I would prefer the later since the Night has not yet got over for me. Yes, you got me right! I have been awake all night continuing my urge to read books. Perhaps reading books over the last few weeks was making me ready to resume blogging which has been my biggest passion. Completed reading ‘34 Bubblegums and Candies’ by Preeti Shenoy. Will come up with a review for the book in another blog soon though. For now I have a different agenda.

Well coming back I wouldn’t completely give it to my reading urge though, for keeping awake all night. I had completed reading by 3am. To cut short, I kept myself awake to drop my friend at the airport half an hour back.

The bike ride after I dropped him at the airport back to my flat took me around half an hour as I needed to cover 25kms.  It’s still dark outside, my city being on the western part of the country where sun rises generally after 6.30.

I could feel the cool breeze kissing my nose, cheeks and ears as I cruised on Hero Honda Karizma! Kind of bike it is, you would never know you have crossed 80KMPH until you peep into the speedometer. Having kept awake the whole night I kept my speed within limits thanks to my frequent conscious effort to look at the speedometer. The air was fresh and there was this subtle silence except for the soothing engine sound which made my mind ramble around. There have been times when I have been on bike rides on night outs but I had always been accompanied by friends since bike rides have always been bliss specifically in the night when there is very less traffic and no pollution. Given that night life in Pune is good, it’s considerably fair enough to move about during anytime of the night enjoying with friends. I have always enjoyed night life in Pune with friends. And if it’s on a bike then there can be nothing better feeling than this. But today was different for the reason that I was alone with myself and couldn’t find any element which could disturb talking to me.  

As I gained pace and moved ahead the dark blue sky which was yet to be illuminated, shined upon me with its darkness and there was no trace of moon. The complete darkness had its own charm unlike those days when you would feel the urge to see the moonlight sky. The darkness that prevailed along with the pitched silence made me realise how close I was feeling to my own self. That was a kind of feeling which I had never felt before. But it was good and felt nice. There was no other thought that crossed my mind except that I enjoyed every part of the ride. No song playing in the mind, no hurry to reach home, no worries to bother about and complete blank mind could make me feel like Night has worked as a shield to all our botheration, worries and sorrows. They say with sun rise, Day brings in happiness, hopes and all beautiful things and you feel like singing it’s a New Day, It’s a New Life! But it was not the case with me. The moment I thought about dawn, sunrise and the beginning of a new day my blissful state seemed to be threatened. I withdrew the thought of break of dawn. I wished the Night should prevail till eternity so that I would be shielded of my sorrows, worries and responsibilities. Speaking right now I might sound like an escapist! It might seem like I never want to face my hurdles of life but if I go back to that state when I felt this, I suppose I wasn’t wrong if I wanted these to be at bay far away from me. Who would want worries to be a part of life? If it’s Night which plays the shield and works as a knight in shining armour then I would prefer Night to Day! Doesn’t that sound better? How do I gain by facing my problems and solving them? Yes, they do get resolved, but then it does keep you occupied with hundreds of thoughts. It keeps you alert throughout the Day. You struggle, fight and come out successful but how does it help? Can anyone resolve all the problems and guarantee that problems/botheration/issues/worries/sorrows would never come back? But Night does give you that guarantee of being shielded from all of the above until it exists. Even when you sleep you sleep tight. People suffer from sleepless nights because they are occupied with their problems that they would have to again face the next morning once Night is gone. So it’s not the Night but the Day that keeps them awake. The fear, the thoughts makes you sleepless.

Come Day, you again start running in the rat race and it hardly matters who wins. What matters is who manages to come out of it. He is the true winner. And I felt like a winner because I could see myself out of the race. Now I don’t fear waking up in the morning and facing issues since I feel out of the race. I am just waiting for the Day that has crept in by now to end and Night to take charge where I can again live the life which makes it worthwhile.

Truly, this bike ride did make a difference. I now wait for yet another Night to set in, another 12 hours to go. The timer is set!

First Attempt at Prompt Writing

I had never tried my hand at writing blogs at some other forum. Somehow I never felt comfortable. May be I was afraid to fail at the first go. Being a shy guy (yes that's what I consider myself to be :P), I refrain from going out and attempting to write something which may turn out to be a complete flop. The comfort zone is a major factor. I have been blogging on my blog since Aug 2006, so this has always been my place. A lion's own den. This reminds me of a saying 'A dog is even a lion in his own lane'. So that's how I have been.

Surfing through different friends' and fellow bloggers posts has been my hobby since long. I thank Aditi for her recent post regarding such a forum/site where bloggers post their write ups. The thing that attracted me was the concept of prompt writing. I need to give a bow to Aniket for taking the initiative to start something like this. Though I was aware of writing contests across the blogger community, I had never realized that if I give it a try I could even do it. I had never thought over it much. There are such good writers and bloggers on WWW that it feels a bit humiliating to post something as a competitor out there. There comes the best feature in Flash Fiction. There is no winner and there are no losers. I hate being called a loser by my inner voice.

Thus came the warrior within me to give it a try. I had my first attempt at prompt writing. I would require all your support in letting me know how I performed at this. It felt like writing in an examination hall in school. It took me about four hours to create the whole thing. I wouldn't consider it to be one of my best though. And personally speaking I feel I did justice to the attempt but I failed at one point. Limiting no of words within 1000. I've always failed to keep it short. And once again I struggled hard to make it within 1000 words. Finally the post had 1700 plus words. I consider myself to have done well. Pat on the back for that (chuckle). ;)

View my first post here.

http://www.flashfiction.in/2010/04/28/like-never-before-the-heavens-terrace-2/

Striking The Right Balance

Two and half years back I was bothered about something which somehow I have managed to understand to a greater extent. It was about striking the perfect balance between two different worlds around one’s own life. I was not sure how one could balance one’s personal and professional life.

Let me put it this way. I had been in a world of personal life for more than 20 years of my life. And suddenly when one gets into a completely different life altogether called professional life, it is obvious to perplex the best of the balanced minds. Considering myself not to be that balanced in my understanding of these two lives, I was surely a victim of this age old belief – One needs to keep his personal and professional life different. If ever you mix both of these then you end of screwing both big time. With confusion in mind I had tried my best to bring about the perfect balance. I would not say I succeeded to strike the right chord on the first shot. It wasn’t easy to bring about the changes in you to keep both these peculiar demons at bay across the thin line or better if I say this to be the silver lining.

One point that always bothered me was that how can someone keep his personal life away from his work place(better to say professional life) when he is present personally/physically at his work place for more than one third of the day? Worse if you are a workaholic and a bachelor! You’re bound to have your personal life revolve around you where ever you are. A ‘resource’ as they say in the industry is a human at the end of the day. He is bound to have emotions (like happiness, sorrow, pain, love, hatred, jealousy, anger, turbulence, expectations, relationships etc), friends and foes where he lives his life. And it would be unwise to say that you being a professional you shouldn’t let all these factors affect you. It definitely does affect but you need to bring your personal touch to bring about the right decision. Even in personal life we have these factors and we deal with them quite well. So why not deal the same way out here as well as well do in our personal life? And when I say the personal touch let me prove all those theories vague which pronounce to keep all personal things away while being a professional. Many say “He was quite professional in his approach and didn’t let his personal problems affect his performance.” Fine agreed but where did he bring about that professional approach from? One has to be personally connected to the whole thing.

As my experience goes, I am about three years old in the professional life. And I am proud to say that I have the perfect balance where I work. I always used to listen from people, at work there are no friends. And let me prove all of them wrong. I have my best pals where I work. When at office we still work together and resolve the conflicts quite easily which come up just because of the personal relations that we share. Had I kept my professional life away from my personal life then perhaps they would have never understood my behaviour or vice versa in a given situation. That goes true with my managers as well. Not always managers are demons. Not always they are wrong as it is mostly understood. There are times when one needs to go beyond and try having a look at the other side of it. And you seriously need to put yourself in other’s shoes to get the complete picture. But of course this is only possible if there exists a personal touch to it all. And finally you land up in creating a world where both the parties have acceptance level only due to your personal life being involved in it. And how do you achieve it all? By just letting yourself being You. Most people fail to understand this and in the pursuit of being the best professional they start becoming someone they are not. That is what I had landed up doing initially, and it is no worry when I accept that I screwed it big time.

I still find people around me who are being fooled by themselves. I hope to see them bringing about a change in their approach and understanding of these two different persons they want to be. Personating your work environment gives you a scope to judge the best thing you could do without bringing unnecessary complications into your life where you spend maximum of your time called Office.

Life has taken a U Turn

Feels like i am standing at the same point where I stood two years back. No it's not about joining a new job. But currently I am facing yet another cross road. I remember the words "to be or not to be.." well yeah they r the famous words but i remember someone close say these to me.. and today, not exactly today but in the recent times i have these words crossing my mind quite often.

How does it feel if you find yourself in a situation where you were two years back ?? I had come to Pune, no friends, not even a single known face. After two years i feel the same. I am still at Pune..for those who might wonder where i am currently.. but... i still feel the same.. not many people i know.. n thats in a very literal way.. i mean it.. not many know me... in fact no one knows me...who i am.. i am lost somewhere...

recently i shifted my flat...new room mates.. old buddies left to the other part of the city.. the very next day i was shifted to another office.. ie sharda... the only reason of parting from my friends was to stay close to office... bt in vain...every effort to make my wishes work fails... going to sharda seems like a transfer to me.. new flat...new people at home, at office... though ppl whom i meet are my team mates... bt i used to meet them only at team parties n I had met all of them only twice or thrice before I started seeing them every day at sharda.. thr was even a team mate whom I hadn’t met until I got shifted to sharda.. n moving to sharda wasn’t even easy.. it took me completely two weeks to get my .pst file(outlook offline mailbox) shifted to sharda.. Gosh.. it was 4GB.. having preserved all the mails since two years…don’t know if I would even read them twice… bt having them gives a feeling of familiarity..

travelling to sharda through bus has a completely new but different experience.. though hectic it teaches u many things in life… u get to see that u r not the only person who is around working hard.. there are even people who have been doing the same thing since ages.. just for their families…

it was this time of last year that I had been trying for a transfer to Kolkata… bt I had failed at that attempt.. n now again after a year I feel the urge to get back to Kolkata.. at least I could do something for my family.. after all that’s why we exists… moreover, today or tomorrow I would be changing my project since in few months from now our project would go to some other company.. so why not now when I can get a project at Kolkata…who knows after three months I may nt even get a project there…

meantime, prachi too left pune.. and probably her leaving has added to this U turn feeling… she had been there with me since 2004 and after long five years of togetherness I ought to have this void around me...

There seems to be too much of confusion..

First, I know switch is not that a tough thing to do..even during this tough market scenario bt even after a switch I will be at the same place whr I m today.. I wont get to be a CEO instantly.. and it wouldnt help me personally either…nothing gonna change…

MBA…super cool option.. I know this can be best thing I can do.. bt I don’t knw why I fail to put in the effort…may be its because of complacency… of the backup that I have in form of a job.. i need to burn my boats...close all the options...I know I have it in me to crack CAT but nothing is achieved without hardwork.. so I need to put in efforts… bt somewhere I too don’t feel to change my direction when I have already invested my two years somewhere else.. how is this going to help? Shouldn’t I carry on in the same domain.. in the technology rather than getting into management?? But I do realize that we at IT don’t have something great at our hand… even a 10th grade student can do the same if given training for a month n if he knows how to handle a PC…nothing great..
And funny it may sound.. somewhere in the back of my mind… I too think I should give it a try for civil services… bt I feel I have a kind of inclination towards the arts subjects.. sociology, philosophy, psychology, history(though m very poor at memorizing), geography… bt it’s a touch nut to crack wen I hv least idea about such subjects….

Currently, every day ahead is so very blank like never before.. so very confused… I feel I need to have an opinion poll…

Please suggest!

P.S: For the first time I have written so openly about myself just for a fair opinion. Hope it didn’t bother you much.

An ordeal with strangers

Faces never seen, voices never heard, people never known sometimes make you think what you would not have otherwise. There have been such instances to pick from everyone’s life.

As I boarded the train for Delhi, I could see Saurabh sitting by the window. There were people giving a strange look at me as if I was an unexpected guest to their party. This is something everyone does. Have you ever felt happy to see some stranger in the train while you are seated, who could in no time grab your seat i.e. the window one that you preferred. As I made myself comfortable, I saw myself behaving the same way. A young couple arrived with their luggage at our bay. You should have seen my face for sure. I bet I would have made even a worse face than my co-travelers did when I had arrived. The obvious reason was it was me who would be sharing a part of the seat with another two people. How could it be possible when we were already 6 people comfortably seated as if waiting for the stupendous dinner to be served around the royal table like a big joint family where every other person hadn’t seen each other’s face since they were born. Mark the size of the joint family then. Well to put it straight we all belonged to the huge human family and were all strangers to each other. Now not making any fuss about we being strangers lets go back to where we were.

I was now wondering how we would share the luggage space; forget about seat for new two people. The extra luggage was thrown away into the upper berth as they made their way to make some space to sit with their best efforts and of course good manners. Now how could we stay back in mannerism? We jumped to our sides making some space for both of them. As they got themselves seated I wondered who could have been the person who had occupied maximum space before the couple had arrived. Now it was all level. Our shoulders started brushing and I could now realize that the train had started moving.

For the next 15 minutes everyone kept silence as if it were a ritual as the journey started. Then came the time when everyone got busy with their mobiles as I got a call from my Dad. Perhaps they must have realized that they too have people to call and inform that the train had started or may be they were going to reach soon which is just another 26 hours from now. Few people would have got excited because they have left to meet the desired loved ones which included me as well. But there were another set which seemed to be upset for the reason that they were moving away from their loved ones. And most importantly there were also people who belonged to the “don’t-know” category of any survey conducted in the news channels.

Soon after the train started gaining pace we started having small talks. It really amuses me to observe and watch what people do. One thing that was common in everyone’s mind was that, the 24hours of journey was going to be really boring if they didn’t start knowing each other. It was really interesting to see the way everyone was trying to break the ice and strike a conversation. I could hear someone say “Who aapka beta tha na?”, (He as your son, right?). How smart that guy must have been!! And guess what, slowly people started talking as if they have known each other since ages or have been waiting to meet for years together. As I got myself involved in few conversations, I realized that I had not yet known anybody’s name. Soon I heard Saurabh introducing himself to another guy, shaking hands after having one hour of conversation. This surprised me to an extent how do people introduce each other having talked about the whole world, when they have not spoken about themselves. This is when I came to know Saurabh’s name. He and Tejas, the other guy, later became my good friends to have a great company through out the trip.

But with in all this there was something which drew my attention to think over for hours together. There was this young couple who had joined us earlier in the morning while we started the journey. They were a couple recently married. May be a year only, I guessed it to be. I would be taking a few assumptions as per my observations. But my observations made me wonder on many things. They must have been a couple married a year back and for sure reasons they must have had an arranged marriage. The guy, was protective caring and loving. The lady, with her sweet smile, carried a little shyness around. They definitely were a happily married couple. But the striking thing was the love that existed between them. It was the guy’s warmth and the love for her in his own ways that made me think so. Their small talks with soft words and the understanding with just a mere eye contact were worth noticing. Why I say they had an arranged marriage was because of the bondage that could only be felt.

Love has always been a subject which I have not understood properly yet but had an idea about love marriages which people get bonded by the institution called marriage after falling in love with each other. Regarding arranged marriages, I had only subtle idea that two strangers meet, feel comfortable, of course considering every other aspect of life and get settled to begin a new life called marriage where they start exploring each other during the journey called life. But love-after-marriage was always an unsolved mystery for me. I agree that I have seen many other couples who love each other even if it were an arranged one. Some how I always doubted the existence of it in real sense. There was a different feeling altogether this time where I could feel love-after-marriage. To my understanding its not always love marriage which involves love in a relationship. Love does exist in arranged marriages as well which has made them successful over the years.

Love after marriage makes marriages successful in true sense.

Missing Arvind !

Negi is leaving tomorrow and somehow I feel, I would be missing a good human being around. A good friend who could give all gyan regarding how to go about pursuing a course in Australia to the gyan why he always had a contradicting thought to everything that he was said before him. A true character who could make a dead man laugh aloud and who could draw your attention to a very valid point by his all witty logic.

All the best dude for all your future endeavors.

Miss your gorgeous smile and the attempt to have the Aamir Khan IStyle !!

Have a great life and hope we could be together again in this short journey called Life.

AM I Being Myself ?

As I was walking down the road to my office building which sits close to my flat, I don’t know how and why I felt like writing things up which came shooting into my mind. It was after such a long time that I felt like writing. There was a gust of thoughts which had not come to me since long. Thoughts which were regarding me and I was thinking all this being a third person to me. The way I have been over these two years after leaving college. How I have changed as person personally, physically (may be not much as per others but I have: P), professionally and most importantly emotionally.

So what are the changes that I am talking about? A few observations recently on me put forward this thought that yes I have changed a lot over the period of time. But please don't ask me if they are for good or bad. Whatever it may be it is me. They say "the only constant in life is Change..." and how true has that proved to me! I had always imagined Abhisek i.e. Me as a person who would hardly come across changes when it comes to accepting it. I am resistant to changes may it be change of bed or room or seat at office or food point or anything you may say. And with this I remember I have changed my number! Gosh that is what I had never intended to do. Well, logically speaking I have not changed my number. My previous number still exists and I would continue to use that once I get my cell phone repaired. But for the time being that number is switched off and I have been using a new number which is not with anyone else except for few who have been in regular touch. But, after all I have changed my number and it’s been more than three weeks now. I have not given it to any of my friends from college or from yesteryears. Not that I don’t care about them or don’t want to be in touch with them. But I have not made an effort to circulate my number which I would have done by mails, orkut and sms to all of them few years back the day I would have got a new number. But why is it that I have not done it this time? I too don't know!

It was amusing to get a call from Parul yesterday yelling at me on my new number. She had been trying my old number since three four days but hadn’t got it connected. And finally somehow she got my new number from someone, I still don’t know who. But frankly speaking it was actually surprising to know this. I never expected her to try my number until my bday :P. Even that seems to be a bit over expectation but I never expected her call. Why I mentioned about her is that, this thing made me realize that I have not given my number to anyone and that’s how change has come within me. I have stopped listening to music! Whow !! That is impossible. But yes I have. I have stopped orkutting for hours now! I have learnt how to spend time alone at home; I have learnt how to enjoy a good book. Never thought in my wildest dream that I would complete reading books over night. Have been reading different books and the latest is of a different genre altogether. Its "Games Indians Play - Why We Are the Way We Are by V Raghunathan". That a great book and a must read for everyone who is an Indian.

Well, lets move on to something else. I told you, today I was in a writing mood after a long time. Visited few of my old friends' profile early in the morning. It was Adwitee and Sumandeep's profile that caught my eyes. Well yeah, they have been good friends from college but we weren't that great friends either. It was just by chance that I landed up in their profiles and many good memories came running to my mind. And this was the point where thoughts shoot up from all directions. Even if I had got a notepad to jot down I would have failed to do so. Anyways.. Having visited Adwitee's profile specifically took me back to my first year at college. I had roll no 1 and hers was 5. So we were teammates through out the 4 years in labs, vivas anything done in groups on the basis of roll numbers. So, she was a very good friend. The best days were when Sumandeep, Biswajit, Ajay, Dibya, Adwitee and I were involved with our attempt to create and publish a year book for our IT 2007 passing out batch. Those were the times when I realized how good these people were. Among the people I admire from the core of my heart, Sumandeep, Biswajit, Ajay, Adwitee and Dibya are the names that I must not forget to mention. The year book is still with me but I realized today that I have not opened the same since a year or so. The book which we had created for this purpose only to have a remembrance of those beautiful days is still lying in some corner of my cupboard. And it hasn’t caught my attention since long. That’s why I feel I have changed. Recently a very good friend of mine, Himanshu, had sent me a sms regarding the completion of 2nd anniversary of our engineering. Now when I had got the sms I felt nice to remember that day i.e. 27th April 2007. But somehow I didn’t feel anything different. No one to share it with who would understand its importance. There are hundreds of such dates which come across people. So how does it matter to others? It did to me on the first anniversary. But not on the second. And moreover, I too have moved on. I had always thought that I would miss my friends, college and those days. And I was not wrong. But I was wrong when I used to think that life would be nothing without them. Now I am living a life without all that. Nothing is similar to what used to be two years back. Prachi has been there through out but our relationship has also changed and this I can say is for the best. But we are no more like we used to be during college days. But somehow I feel I have been ditched by time. I didn’t have the guts to look back and take a turn. I did turn initially but like others who had preferred to move on I too did chose that path. And here I am writing this about my college days after 2 years of leaving. Now that’s what I had never expected. I had reached Kolkata and from there to Pune. But in all that I never wrote anything about college on my blog. It all was regarding my new life, new friends and new environment. I am guilty in this regard. I could have made a better effort to be what I wanted to be. There have been times when people have complained me for not being in touch. Now that’s harsh. When did I stop them from being in touch with me if I was not? Did I deny them not to be in touch with me? Well, I would prefer leaving this topic here. But somehow I feel I could have been more generous and not changed.

Well, as I said, lot has changed over these two years. Pallavi got married on 28th April! And that’s news!! I still can't believe that I wasn’t a part of her wedding just because I am hired by a god damn company which pays me some 20K odd bucks. This is what I had never thought. I always feared this life and life has proved itself over and over again. How true my parents have been in such matters. I remember when in college my mom saying me "beta, yeh sab dost wagera jo bhi hain...sahi hai lekin jab tum log alag jagah pe rahoge..no one would be around...n u wouldn’t even get time to meet them for years together...what will only matter is your life and your family"... and then I used to be so irrational in my thoughts... I never agreed to what mom used to say. But today as I see myself I somewhat agree to her words though not completely. May be I need to reach her age to agree completely. I had been to b'lore to meet pallu before she got married. and it was really great to be with her and himanshu. there were days when we all used to be with each others for more than one third of a day... but now we met after more than one and half years...that too just because pallu was getting married and she would be leaving India after that. And look as I write this she has already got married and has left India. So that’s how life has been changing. So how come I won’t change?

Well, all these thoughts have come across several times in bits and pieces. But I never had the will to pen them down. I had lost the zeal to write as I used to have few months back. I feel really weird now remembering that two days back I had updated my orkut profile and in that for the passion section I had written "none for the time being". How have things changed me really makes me wonder if I am the same person as I was. AM I being myself?

Back to the Past

It sometimes seems that years that have passed by won’t get back to you. Past is always a past. That which went by has to go and however you try, you can’t get it back. It is definitely true. Sometimes you may also want the past to be never in front of you. You want to leave your past. You ignore it. And as the years pass by one gets along and rarely do we face what we left behind.

Many a times, I have tried to leave behind many things. Though I would like to live my school days once more, I never intended to get back to many such memories which have haunted me for years. Circumstances which could even remind me of those few people for whom my memories had died and even the feelings.

But someone has rightly said, your past is always with you.

It was really a good feeling and one of those happiest moments for me when Father Joseph here at Pune. It was almost after five to six years that we met. We had been in touch at regular intervals but hadn’t got an opportunity to meet him personally. It was an amazing event for me at least in these few months time which occurred.

Having met him, I was reminded of everything absolute about school. Even the place where he halted was awesome. It was pretty similar to our school environment - Same building structure, the same kind of trees, the silence, the discipline and the exactly the same type of reading room where we sat down to have a chat.

It was a dream come true to meet Father after such a long time. He looked all the same and supposedly nothing has changed since the time I last saw him. But he has grown into being a more caring person. It really seemed to be different in the way he spoke. May be that he realized we are no more those school going kids anymore. But definitely that warmth existed.

We had a good talk about everyone from school. We discussed every person we knew. But the moment he spoke about her, I grew a bit uncomfortable. A call to her and there he was talking to her. I didn’t even know she was on the call. But it was so sudden that I didn’t know how to react. That’s what I was talking of. However you want, your past follows you and remains with you.

A sudden handover of the phone from Father to me, made me speak to her who I never intended to, and of course it was so weird to talk to the person whom you knew very well, but never could be in touch just because circumstances and things were never in your favor. Few flash of thoughts just in fraction of seconds. I was about to talk to the person whom I had forgotten after several attempts. The one talking to who now seemed to be very difficult. The person who pretended not to recognize me at the first instance was on the other side. Wow !! Under all these thoughts we were into a conversation which was so formal and so different. As if we had never spoken earlier.

The thing that actually moved my thoughts was that even after so many years, I had the same excitement, the same small nervousness, the trembling hands and same cracking voice. There was a lack of words and a steady flow of inconsistent statements. Though I appeared very strong and confident, I know what I went through for those few minutes. Her thought, her voice, her being in my world was not possible since years. I even didn’t want to but this time it was like I was back to those days and I wanted not to face it. In fact one’s past would surely come before him/her some day or other whenever one meets his/her old relationships. They would take you back knowing or unknowingly. Its just the fact that you would face the same past where you left it even after an era.

But somewhere deep inside, I again feel good that I spoke to her after such a long gap of three years. I was happy too for I could know about her. I was happy for her success and also for what she has achieved. It all meant good.

Thus I am really very nostalgic and my school days would keep me awake for few days now. I would be wondering about those corridors, the class rooms and the playground. But this place which is very close to my flat definitely has so many things similar to my school. The ambiance was pretty much similar and the circumstances are still the same after so many years. That’s what past is all about. Wherever you are, you would have to face it some day. But I wish I could face it in a better way the next time.