Back to the Past

It sometimes seems that years that have passed by won’t get back to you. Past is always a past. That which went by has to go and however you try, you can’t get it back. It is definitely true. Sometimes you may also want the past to be never in front of you. You want to leave your past. You ignore it. And as the years pass by one gets along and rarely do we face what we left behind.

Many a times, I have tried to leave behind many things. Though I would like to live my school days once more, I never intended to get back to many such memories which have haunted me for years. Circumstances which could even remind me of those few people for whom my memories had died and even the feelings.

But someone has rightly said, your past is always with you.

It was really a good feeling and one of those happiest moments for me when Father Joseph here at Pune. It was almost after five to six years that we met. We had been in touch at regular intervals but hadn’t got an opportunity to meet him personally. It was an amazing event for me at least in these few months time which occurred.

Having met him, I was reminded of everything absolute about school. Even the place where he halted was awesome. It was pretty similar to our school environment - Same building structure, the same kind of trees, the silence, the discipline and the exactly the same type of reading room where we sat down to have a chat.

It was a dream come true to meet Father after such a long time. He looked all the same and supposedly nothing has changed since the time I last saw him. But he has grown into being a more caring person. It really seemed to be different in the way he spoke. May be that he realized we are no more those school going kids anymore. But definitely that warmth existed.

We had a good talk about everyone from school. We discussed every person we knew. But the moment he spoke about her, I grew a bit uncomfortable. A call to her and there he was talking to her. I didn’t even know she was on the call. But it was so sudden that I didn’t know how to react. That’s what I was talking of. However you want, your past follows you and remains with you.

A sudden handover of the phone from Father to me, made me speak to her who I never intended to, and of course it was so weird to talk to the person whom you knew very well, but never could be in touch just because circumstances and things were never in your favor. Few flash of thoughts just in fraction of seconds. I was about to talk to the person whom I had forgotten after several attempts. The one talking to who now seemed to be very difficult. The person who pretended not to recognize me at the first instance was on the other side. Wow !! Under all these thoughts we were into a conversation which was so formal and so different. As if we had never spoken earlier.

The thing that actually moved my thoughts was that even after so many years, I had the same excitement, the same small nervousness, the trembling hands and same cracking voice. There was a lack of words and a steady flow of inconsistent statements. Though I appeared very strong and confident, I know what I went through for those few minutes. Her thought, her voice, her being in my world was not possible since years. I even didn’t want to but this time it was like I was back to those days and I wanted not to face it. In fact one’s past would surely come before him/her some day or other whenever one meets his/her old relationships. They would take you back knowing or unknowingly. Its just the fact that you would face the same past where you left it even after an era.

But somewhere deep inside, I again feel good that I spoke to her after such a long gap of three years. I was happy too for I could know about her. I was happy for her success and also for what she has achieved. It all meant good.

Thus I am really very nostalgic and my school days would keep me awake for few days now. I would be wondering about those corridors, the class rooms and the playground. But this place which is very close to my flat definitely has so many things similar to my school. The ambiance was pretty much similar and the circumstances are still the same after so many years. That’s what past is all about. Wherever you are, you would have to face it some day. But I wish I could face it in a better way the next time.

Diwali - A Feeling

The day was fabulous.Beautiful morning.Complete chutti from work and regular activities.Ideal break one can wish for after such a long week.Visit to friend's place and purchase of fire crackers for the perfect firework in the evening.

Diyas !!

Deepak !!

They r the perfect example of a person's life.They can teach u a lot.Just need to have a look at them.Observe right from the beginning when it is lighted and the fabulous flame growing just like a baby.

In the process of lighting them in the evening i could feel how nice it is to create something.The flame,the light,the child.For the first time i could feel how great it must be to be a dad.How gentle a just born child would be ! How caring we need to be to nurture and protect our children.How amazing it must have been to be a father.How proud u feel when u r a dad and when u r successful in growing your child where u want them to be.This all feeling came to me as i went on lighting diyas one by one.Giving birth to a new life.A new world.That which could not manage to sustain its own weight(the flame i am talking of ) ,that which has no existence of its own without my support, would very soon give light to the world.Remove all darkness and bring in all that happiness which we aspire for.

I also realized that nothing happens so easily.A diya which promises to enlighten everything and be a great warrior against the darkness,also has to take time to come up to its potential.It is potent enough to do so.But it also needs time.It too has to struggle against all odds.I could see that every time I lit a diya it was not suddenly that it got into its actual form.It took its time fighting against the wind.When the light itself takes time to come up why do we being just humans want everything to be done instantly.Why do we want to achieve everything without doing anything and any struggle? That everything has to undergo a natural and gradual process.We need to give in our hundred percent.

The diya gives happiness and light to all.But what does it get?Its own base is in darkness.Burns itself for others just to get nothing for itself. We too need to be selfless and now I just remember one of my friends saying me "bas social work and service kar....kya milta hai? doosron ka kaam hi bas karta reh..."

I can just say that I would still go ahead with my social service or whatever u name it just for the reason dat i wud never aspire to get anything in return.I dont expect anything.Its just my pleasure.

Zindegi Ke Kuch Sachhaiyan - Zindegi Ki Safar Mein Lyrics

Zindagi Ke Safar Mein Guzar Jaate Hain Jo Makaam
Vo Phir Nahin Aate, Vo Phir Nahin Aate

Phool Khilte Hain, Log Milte Hain
Phool Khilte Hain, Log Milte Hain Magar
Patjhad Mein Jo Phool Murjha Jaate Hain
Vo Baharon Ke Aane Se Khilte Nahin
Kuchh Log Ik Roz Jo Bichhad Jaate Hain
Vo Hazaron Ke Aane Se Milte Nahin
Umra Bhar Chahe Koi Pukaara Kare Unka Naam
Vo Phir Nahin Aate, Vo Phir Nahin Aate
Zindagi Ke Safar Mein...

Aankh Dhokha Hai, Kya Bharosa Hai
Aankh Dhokha Hai, Kya Bharosa Hai Suno
Doston Shaq Dosti Ka Dushman Hai
Apne Dil Mein Ise Ghar Banane Na Do
Kal Tadapna Pade Yaad Mein Jinki
Rok Lo Rooth Kar Unko Jaane Na Do
Baad Mein Pyaar Ke Chahe Bhejo Hazaron Salaam
Vo Phir Nahin Aate, Vo Phir Nahin Aate
Zindagi Ke Safar Mein...

Subah Aati Hai, Shaam Jaati Hai
Subah Aati Hai, Shaam Jaati Hai Yunhi
Vaqt Chalta Hi Rehta Hai Rukta Nahin
Ek Pal Mein Ye Aage Nikal Jaata Hai
Aadmi Theek Se Dekh Paata Nahin
Aur Pardey Pe Manzar Badal Jaata Hai
Ek Baar Chale Jaate Hain Jo Din-Raat Subah-O-Shaam
Vo Phir Nahin Aate, Vo Phir Nahin Aate
Zindagi Ke Safar Mein

Great Lyrics

kisee baat par main kisee se khafaa hoon
mai jindaa hoon par jindagee se khafaa hoon
khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon ...

muze dosaton se shikaayat hain shaayad
muze dushmanon se mohabbat hain shaayad
mai is dostee dushmanee se khafaa hoon
khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon ...

n jaane kahaa kab kise dekhataa hoon
magar main jahaa jab jise dekhataa hoon
samazataa hain wo main usee se khafaa hoon
khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon ...

n jaagaa huaa hoon, naa soyaa huaa hoon
main dil ke andheron mein khoyaa hoon
kisee chaand kee chaandanee se khafaa hoon
khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon, khafaa hoon ...

What should one do ?

A New Post

Suppose, you are in your office bus returning back home in late evening. You are on the right side window seat. And at the same time you find a beautiful lady with a charming face, sweet smile and of course a good height on the correspondingly opposite side i.e. on the left side window seat with no one else between the two of you. As usual, after a long day and of course yet another 1 hour travel left to reach home, it is expected that one would prefer looking out of the window [that’s why you took that seat da (trying out to write like a south Indian young writer because every fwd that u get regarding office, college and of course office bus are written and initiated by someone from Blore or Chennai but never Hyderabad, God only knows why) ] at the whole world around and think everything that’s irrelevant (because you would have never thought over those things had you not been idle). The lights, speeding car, the cross roads, the people around, the vast dark sky, the far invisible skyline, the disturbing radio playing on your phone (which you use even if you are actually not listening to music or the gossip in some regional language that would require more of your energy than you would require at your work place), all seem to be so beautiful. But a glance at the lady and what would you do then? Is it like you would continue looking at the other side of the window and keep yourself busy in your irrelevant thoughts or try and catch another glance of her acting as if the view on the other side of the window is greener? Now, many would answer saying No! They would not get affected at all and would continue with their irrelevant stuff. I too would answer with a big NO had I been asked by any of my friends.

Let us try it and be a bit more truthful. Why then, when she gets down, you actually start again with your same old irrelevant thought process and wait for your stoppage eagerly which initially you thought should never come closer and the bus should keep on moving with the only hope that she gets down at your stoppage incidentally.

Anyways, that’s a take from my today’s experience. But somehow writing this post was actually initiated by another thought. It was in the bus itself when it struck me to write down these words. In fact every word and sentence was framed while in the bus. I wish, I had a laptop (not a palm top or a blackberry’s carry your office with you just because its so uncomfortable to type things on their small keypad. How can one match his/her typing speed with the lightening speed of own thoughts? Sometimes it even gets tougher to manage to get everything typed with a laptop) every time along with me and I could write down each and everything that I wanted to. But conditions apply too. The laptop should be lighter and not a problem to carry everywhere. What about a memory card within your brain which could capture the things that you want to save for the later period? I won’t mind if I had to type it down when I get a system. But I should be able to get back every little thing that I wished to write in form of a cached thought. Seems like Abhisek has gone nuts and is over tech savvy these days while working with the WEB2.0 (would definitely come with a post on this someday, but not sure how soon…don’t expect me to write down as soon as possible since I m not that interested to explain to the world about the new technologies which could be found even without click of a mouse…how? One can use a joystick or a keyboard or even the newer versions of laser tip tops…sorry if it was too much :D ) and all that crap which was never required even during the most advanced Indus Valley Civilization. Well, you electronics and Biotech guys whoever is reading this please think of something which could solve my problem, and yeah be quick enough to achieve this before I die. And of course don’t forget to put my name as the brain child for your research. That would definitely be a tribute to my idea even though I wont ask for a royalty having copied my idea.

Ah! I have not even come to the sole point which I intended to write. Well, I wanted to dedicate this post to all those people who came into my life at some point of time, who influenced me, brought about a visible change (okay..not visible to all though but visible to me at least…dats why its intangibleabhisek), affected me, promised to stand by me at every step of mine whatsoever may be the circumstance and finally are no more in my life.( courtesy : lack of time, busy schedule, lost phone number, change of location and of course leaving without saying a bye) I know, I would never be back with those people individually. But somewhere I imagined how life would have been had these people still been there with me. What could have been the further changes in me? How would have they reacted to every thing around me and eventually how would I have conceived the never changing circumstances.

Finally I would like to wind up this as soon as possible else I would again get complain that my posts are pretty long and take too much of time to write. Sorry if this also seemed to be long. But I can’t write shorter. But I can always try to make it “short and short” nothing more than that.

Catch all of you later very soon (again I don’t know how soon but definitely it would be soon enough).

NB1: sorry for the inconvenience caused for all those extra bracketed texts.

NB2: no offence meant to anyone alive or dead and any resemblance to anyone around please get in touch with me. Wanna meet you soon [I mean asap (as soon as possible, bad habit gathered at office)].

Missing Stars

The best feeling ever!! What can it be??

Being in love? Being with the person you always wanted to be with?
Going to moon or is it driving the costliest car on the surface of the earth? Is it Lamborghini?
what else can it be ? Looking at the world, there could be zillions of things which could make you feel on the top of the world. That’s the feeling. The feeling of driving the best car, having a dream job as i read on a blog which talked about Dream Job, Dream Body and Dream Relationship. But all that makes you feel best and which you think to be the ultimate goal, doesn't stay long. Doesn't it appear really weird? It’s that particular moment, may be a fraction of a second or may be few minutes hours or days. But ultimately, that happiness, that joyous moment fades away. It was a good thought that one needs to maintain that state with the same effort that one makes to achieve it.
Perfect view point. I too agree with it.

There has always been a time when one wonders if he/she could get back to those moments and cherish it forever. The longing to get back always stays. And in a process one starts missing those events, those circumstances. It may be that you are the one who is detached from that system physically or may be that complete system or event or circumstance whatever you say has ended. One keeps on wondering with all ifs and buts. But life is not about these ifs and buts "but" it's all about the facts and guts. Guts to accept the facts of life. It may be sooner or later, but one has to accept the fact.

Anyways coming back to the "best feeling ever", I suppose by now you would have given a thought over it. Believe me; it was really tough for me to decide what this feeling must be. What it is that would make me feel the best? For me - Knowing that you are being missed by your own people makes you feel the best. I may miss many in turn, I may always want to be a part of them, I may wonder if I could be a part of all that I left behind. You let people know that you miss them, you miss being a part of their life. It makes them feel good. But, back there, whether they too feel the same, whether they miss your presence, makes you think twice over your own thoughts. But, guess what, someone calls you and says, "Hey Dude, we have been meeting every day for lunch together. You remember the way we always used to have, which had slowly turned into a dream for all of us because of our busy schedule and changing priorities? Yes, we are back again and we take out time to be together at least for an hour during the lunch. And you know what, we were missing you and we wished if you could be with us out here!!"

That’s the feeling. That’s it Boss! It makes me feel on the top of the world. Well, it’s been more than a year that our ITP days got over. We are no more ITPians. A new batch of fresh blood has come in. The new ITP batch. Every time you look at them, either in the corridor, or at the training rooms or at the canteen or even with their new posts at tech mate(Tech Mahindra's best portal so far), you would feel the same freshness, enthusiasm, the joy, the excitement that we had last year.

We too started off with the same colourful manner with hopes and promises to keep. My first post at techmate always gets a read every time I remember those days. But somewhere we all lost ourselves in the rat race. Don't blame the situation or the work load. I suppose we were even busier and disturbed during the ITP training, tests, re-tests and with the fear of being sacked. But then we fought together, we hit it hard and fired with all cylinders. The common thing being we were 'WE'. But then slowly things changed, we lost the grab, we started taking lunch at our own convenience, we started losing the hold of our hands. We shifted our gears on the fast track unaware of the fatal accident that we may face. We did face it! But we accepted it and moved on saying it to be LIFE. But never did we look back and check where we changed our priorities.
But after more than a year, we are back. Some have been relocated to different places, some are still at the same place and some are still busy enough to send a good morning mail. But, like I had the best feeling ever, can everyone out here get the opportunity to feel the same?? Yes we need to get back. Get back with the same feeling.

Now I don't have to be sad or feel bad that I am not a part of all of them during lunch, I may be still taking lunch all alone. But I am not sad. I feel good for the fact that I'm still among them. They all "MISS ME". They are missing the "STAR". Its not that I'm a star or I was something different. I was one among them and I am still one among them even today. Don't have any idea when we all would be together again, but its for sure that the day I meet even one of them, I know, I would feel the same being one among them.

Suicide ??

This is a poll that I had created in our office. The response was huge and definitely the answers were unexpected. I had thought that people would be against my genuine thought but i was taken aback by their response. What do u have to say about the same ? Before you go ahead with your comments please go through my idea about the same.

Please give the feedback on your own basic idea.
My Idea
A person committing suicide is definitely under lot of pressure and always takes this step as an ultimate solution to this problem. But do you agree that a person has to be suicidal in his attitude from the beginning? Is it always that a person who commits suicide is actually an escapist?

I believe no human being is suicidal. It’s an act which is committed within very small span of time. A person takes a decision to commit it only in a hurry and had he thought about all aspects of it, he would have never taken such a step. And we can never predict who is going through this thought. You never know the person sitting next to you would have felt like committing a suicide. Even a jolly and happy person you knew could take this drastic step under certain circumstances. But are these circumstances strong enough to take ones own life? How far do you think it is justified that circumstances are the reason for someone’s life death situation. But what matters is that, how strong is the thought of committing it at that particular moment when it strikes the victim.

Do we have any method to make out who is hit with this dreadful thought? How do we prevent them from taking such a decision? Even the most balanced person can get tumbled within moments of such behavior, for is there any particular medical implication which can help us avoid such thoughts?

Let's discuss what’s your take on such a sensitive topic which has always ruined families and the near one and dear ones wondering what could be the reason and how could he/she take such a drastic step without even thinking of them. But it still occurs now and then here or there.

Abhisek Mohanty
8/14/2008 11:13 AM


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Feedback for this article:
agreed that one needs a lot of courage to come to decision to end life , but i think , even more courage is required to face the problems and live the life.wat say??
Pallavi Joshi

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We all are forgetting the suicide bombers who end his/her life in the name of religion or Jihad and end up taking many more lives.
Liza Talapatra

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Sucide......huh intresting. Can somebody tell me how the problem is solved after you attempt a successful suicide. Means i have lot of problems but this doesnt seem to be the saolution as it doesnt empower me to see my problem getting solved. Also if we see, from example of person who has done it, the problem is still there only you, a selfish filthy creature, has resighned from the very problem, but the others around you are still fighting the same and now with 2 hands lesser to support. Take a case of failure student (may be in exam or in any of the imp activity), still you have created problem for the people around you. The people were expecting from you to do better the next time but you failed to fullfil them so first to created a failure and agin you created another failure and ran away to place where no one can find you. I would be happy that through this forum if my thought reaches the individual who may think of the attempting suicide but changes his mind because of these words. In the end i would just like to say, if any one of you think of Sucide as solution to problem, please think again you are not solving the problem but you are running away from it making the problem much more severe than it is actually at present. And no one can conquer death it will take you with it as and when it wants to so dont let death win a easy victory.
Shounak Joshi

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When person come to conclusion of committing suicide , that step is where he/she has tried & thought about all ther other option which can be of any help. But when he/she finds that all the doors are closed or he does not have courage to try for those option because of fear that it will hurt someone or he/she will get negative responce. In most of the cases the person who commit suicide is the one who things about people close to them very much & who think that its better to end their own life instead of giving trouble to their loved ones.
Samata Jogad

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one needs a lot of courage to come to that point and decide to end one's life.its not that they are cowards and cannot face the world.
Aishwarya Rangarajan

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@Suman : You need help. Please seek assistance from your friends and family. "Cool" hummmmmm....
Siddharth Verma

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I think suicidal tendencies are coool and suicide victims are even cooler..
Suman Gogoi

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I think it is all because, we all are not aware the important of life . Life? what exactly it is? no one knows completly. So we all should try to unfold this is ? ... we would be able to prevent this.
Jai Singh

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I think there are many circumstances which can contribute to someone's decision to end his/her life, but a person's feelings about those circumstances are more important than the circumstances themselves.All people who consider suicide feel an extreme sense of hopelessness, helplessness, and desperation.People who talk about committing suicide or make an attempt do not necessarily want to die. Often, they are reaching out for help.
Anita Mulye

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I agree with you Siddharth. Its really tough for anyone who is leaving behind everything....therefore somewhere we can comment unless we are in their shoes.
Abhisek Mohanty

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I think this is all about one's EQ - Emotional Quotient. In this very competitive era - our systems always concentrate on IQ whereas no one really pays attention on EQ. Generally highly talented people or people who haven't had a chance to test any failures in their life time generally has a tendency to develop Inferiority Complex very easily. If one is strong enough on his EQ front he/she won't take such extreme steps. EQ development is affected by many factors over a long period of time right from our childhood. There was a very nice thing said about success and failure by renowned Marathi musicial. He said, we and success is just like a chakra. Success runs ahead of us and we try to catch the same. At times when we feel that we are not getting what we want, just relax and let the time decide the course of action. Eventually you will find that success is behind you and you are ahead of it." It's a very simple thing with a real deep meaning - one needs to understand this and let the time decide the course of action when it is really beyond our control.
Archana Gorkar

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Circumstances can drive people to do anything, even to commit suicide. No one can actually fathom whats going on in the mind of person who is going through a rough phase. You might say that the people who commit suicide were losers and they could have held on for some more time and they could used some more courage, are commenting because they are not in that person's shoes. Facing anything first hand is all together different from sitting outside the ring and commenting on it.
Siddharth Verma

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i can remember an sms i recieved whle at college.. it actually meant -"if you keep on praying and GOD never answers, it means he knows u can handle it and you are just wasting His time." -[cudnt put the exact words-].Some just never realise that. as people below say, LIFE is too beautiful a gift to lose cheap. btw , well said Nimish.
SriGuru N.G.

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As someone has said: "Suicide is a permanent solution to the temporary problem." So, problems are always temporary, and after some period of time, they get resolved. Each problem has one or more definite-solution(s) definitely because a problem is nothing but something created by circumstances or by our own mistakes or by other people or by unavoidable natural disasters(which is not in our hand).The real thing lies in having the courage or strenth to wait till the solution comes or till we find solution with the help of others. As someone has said: "Someone who wins is not more courageous than others but he has the same amount of courage but that courage in him lasts longer than others." "The time when you think to give up, is only the right time to go ahead at any cost!" as read in Frozen thoughts magazine. Following catchline of Mission Istanbul is worth reading: "Darr Ke Aagey Jeet Hai!" So, only THAT MOMENT needs to be controlled where we feel that everything is out of control. And if controlled, you win!
Nimish Sonar

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It's a foolish thing to commit suicide....to commit suicide we cann't get any solution of our problems infact we create the big problem for our family & relatives. I think life is very beautiful & we have to live it & enjoy it. Life is most beautiful gift ever for everybody which is gifted by GOD. So, once again i wud like to say that those who commited suicide are fool, becoz they dont know how live life.
Praveen Sharma

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Suicidal thoughts are an involuntary affliction. No body chooses to think them. Suicidal thoughts just enter, they just come into your mind on their own. Suicidal thoughts are very active and have tremendous emotional power. They push you, urge you, compel you towards suicide. I think most suicidal cases are based on unclear thinking. Persons attempting suicide want to escape from their problems. Instead, they need to confront their problems directly in order to find other solutions, solutions which can be found with the help of concerned people who support them through the crisis period. The attraction of suicide is that it will finally end all unbearable feelings. The tragedy of suicide is that deep emotional pain often blinds people to alternative solutions. Most of people committing suicide give some clue as to their intentions before they make an attempt. Becoming aware of these clues can help in preventing such a tragedy. Bharat Paliwal
Bharat Paliwal

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Studies show, that person committing suicide has given few hints about his intention at different stages, before actually committing it. Person almost always is moody,when he is enjoying he can be the talk of the town, when he is not he can be the broodiest person around. Suicide rarely happens because of pressure, it happens due to sense of guilt, shame, rigid view on relationships. Person concerned almost always had a very strong sense of fairness and how things should be. It is the inability of compromise between what inner world says and how outer world behaves, drives the person to commit such act. Suicide is reprehensible act.
Probal Chatterjee

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Rizwan - your friend's case is an exception.There are cases when a person decides to takes own life in a matter of minutes.But by and large ,Majority of people attempt Suicide after a long tension...
Shashikant Kulkarni

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When i was in class 10 and preparing for final exam. One of my very close friends took this step and jump from 4th floor at 6:30 pm 10-jan-94. I and my other friends were also present at that time when we heard a sound and we rush towards him, next morning he died. The reason of his suicide was small quarrel with her sister. He was not under pressure neither he was sad that day, that day he was with us and was in good mood. Suicide is not a long term plan may be a person is under pressure or depressed or anything but he/she took this decision in a very span of time. If some one thinking that I want to suicide that means he is mentally ill. I agree with Pankaj that is why in Islam Suicide is forbidden.
Rizwan Asdaque

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Abhisek ,your first line that -A person committing suicide is definitely under lot of pressure and always takes this step as an ultimate solution to this problem ... is very much true. But I dont agree that he / she take this decision in very small span of time. I dont remember but I have read a artical by one Japanese about the same topic.According to that - a person taking his/her own life do it after thinking on it for a lot of days and times (ofcourse his power of thinking positively is very limited.)Main reason is he don't share his problems with anyone.There is no way you could find out who will be the next. The only simptum I think is when you see a person very dipressed / keeping to himself, stop taking interest in matters/things which he/she used to be. Proper consulling at this very stage is the only solution on this...
Shashikant Kulkarni

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I do not think sucide is solution for any problem. Sucide of a person is a big punishment to his entire family. sucide is selfish step, i want to mention only one thing here "Live your life for others [your family,friends]". This is the ultimate way of staying happy.
Pankaj Mirajkar

Mind - Rambling Around

I have been going through lot many thoughts these days. Just didn't the outlet till now. Thank god. Few proxies too work at office :)

Before I get started, I would like to give the news up front. Finally I accepted a project at Pune. Sometimes we need to adjust to circumstances and let life play. Have been really busy these days and this is the time which makes me think. Thoughts keep crossing without giving you a chance to even think about that thought.

Recently when I was with my room mates discussing everything on the top of the world I got a suggestion from one of my very good friends, Rahul, to write a book. I mean I know I can write a book. He could convince me that I can get along and think seriously to write a book. I too want to write a book but had never analyzed anything on what kind of book it must be. But yeah, after the suggestion that night I could not stop thinking about the subject. I got it and even I have planned for it. The way it would start and the whole story is before me. But I don’t know seriously when I can begin it. May be I can start after this year. But definitely that discussion with Rahul and Vivek has opened the flood gates for me to think for my dreams. A publishing house of my own is a dream. But how far I achieve this is a big question mark.

My leaves have been cancelled for the Puja vacation and I would only be taking a leave after 15th, Jan 2009. That’s sad but currently I am focused on my job and may be this is the field which I have ignored the most. But slowly but steadily am getting everything into the groove. Things are settling down and I have started enjoying what I am doing. That’s the most important thing which I need.

Getting back on track feels great and in the process I’m least bothered about anything around me. Things are changing but I have taken this responsibility to make things the way I want it to be and leave the rest what I don’t care about. Loving this time where I have found time for myself. Orkutting, checking mails and of course blogging have made life better and of course the new pressure cooker situation is making it feel good. Few movies in the last few weekends complete the quota of movies that I needed to complete. Few night shows and small hang outs at Adlabs make life better. The best ones being Jaane Tu…Ya Jaane Na, Bachna Ae Hasino, Mumbai Meri Jaan and Rock On. A trip to Mumbai two weeks back was more special with Chicku and her friends. Mumbai is no doubt a city of dreams – “Sapno ki Nagri”.

I have seen many Oriyas who stay outside Orissa and forget their own culture.Came across a good fine friend who proved me wrong. Having stayed outside the state since birth, it is expected that you won’t know anything about your motherland. But it was surprising to note that the person is grounded to the roots which made me feel great at office. Such people are examples for those who don’t give a damn to their culture when they leave their own land. Its not about an Oriya or Marathi but what I want to project is that we better know our own culture. Some people may not agree with this thought but I don’t feel sorry for what I say. Rather we can look at this thought from a broader sense. We as Indians don’t actually understand our own priceless history and culture but ask an NRI who has not visited India since 10 years. He would rather be more connected to his/her land. He must be asking his children to learn more about their country India but we as Indians fail to feel great about our own country. We have proved to be the best in all the fields and even we are improving in Olympics but we don’t care to take this forward. Few weeks back Abhinav Bindra wrote for The Times of India as a guest editor. His thought was really very crystal clear and he has proved to be worth his Gold Medal. I have been following his few interviews and other pieces of articles that come about him and his take on the field of sport needs to be considered if we want India to excel in Olympics. We need to grow as a country and be proud about ourselves.

Singur crisis has uncovered the truth about politicians who do anything for their own good. Tata industries have the reputation of being an organization who has given back to the society and to the country. The Nano Car being the best example. Even the employee satisfaction and the way they feel for their people need not be mentioned. But after all this that they have faced, I feel if these things continue it would be never in near future that we can see India as a super economy. For the petty politics and self benefit, our politicians would ruin the country and seeing India at the top would always remain as a dream. Its sad that the whole country is busy watching game shows, not at all funny comedy shows and the pathetic news channels. But in all this, the way Mukesh Ambani, The Birlas and The Godrejs have come up addressing the issue and shown their suppprt for The Tatas, no doubt our Corporate have been progressive and matured themselves to a great extent for the development of the country leaving aside their own rivalries and cut throat competitions. Definitely a good sign for the growth of the country.

The Road Not Taken - Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference

...Robert Frost

Inspiration

I have been blogging since long. Didnt realise that it has almost been two years from now that i posted my first blog. Believe me its not easy to continue doing this unless there is some inspiration to do so. To start it was a big task for me.
How did it start then ?
Well, i had plans for getting into this world long before i posted my first blog out here. Had even created my own account. I remember, then blogger was a different identity altogether with nothing like google behind it. Somehow one day when i was just logging in i found that it has been taken up by google. Became easier for me to transform my account to gmail a/c and thus more easier for me to forget about blogging as life used to be on a different track with other priorities. Never did i realise why should i go for this world.I was curious to give it a try since i had heard a lot about it then.Life was orkut much more than anything else though on the later stages orkut still continued to play a good role in my life. But thanks to orkut that i got my inspiration(in person) who could explain to me my real priorities and the true potential that this world of blogging has. I agree that blogging practices are of different types. And my expectations initially was to address a huge audience with something really innovative and different. Somewhere i was waiting for something different to do. Make it really Big! And thus i kept on waiting and waiting than going for it.
But things changed so rapidly that i never realised that I was into my first blog after waiting for over a year. Thanks to the person who inspired me about blogging. It was she who actually had been blogging since long. After going through her blogs i realised that i didnt need a big theme to go for it. it can be kept simply simple. Interacting with her about everything in life gave me a complete different idea about how i looked at things. Though my writing skills can never match her type but what i realised was that i need not be a big writer or a scholar to start it. What i needed was to be truthful to myself in carrying it further. Many small things inspired me from her blog which i had never realised ever in my life. Every aspect of her writing was different from the other.
Thats how i started my journey which i was not sure of where was i heading to. how was it going to help me. Only thing that i had, was to write my heart out. lots of encouragement and support with every post from her actually kept on pushing me. As the journey had stated it was just a process which i needed to continue. I had started loving what i was doing and slowly i realised that it was what i had been looking for. Posting frequently became a habbit as she would keep waiting for my next post. This always gave a reason to go ahead. Things started to roll on and on. In the process, i got to know a different person. It was none other than me! And thanks to her for making me realise what i was.It was her endeavour in giving me very truthful feedback which helped me get better and better. She had always been a perfect critic of my posts.
For over a period of six months i kept on rolling the ball which i loved to play with. And during that she hadn't stopped writing either. Her blogs and few more blogs suggested by her helped me know what it exactly meant to write it on the blog rather than a diary. I know what i write generally does not have much of interest to people who are not connected to me. But it hardly matters. I don't write it out here for someone to read. I write it for the reason that i wanna write it. Just putting my perception to everything that goes around me. Tellig you all this has definitely has a reason. Reason to thank the person who helped me come so far. Giving all the credits to my source of inspiration. Hadn't she come into my life i would have never ever started this beautiful journey. Hadn't she figured out me and understood me as a person i would not have been writing this today. Its all credit to her that I stand here. She came into my life as if it was only for this purpose.To make me start this journey and continue it futher. Today as i sit down to think about all that occurred, she isn't there in touch with me for more than one and half year now. She has even stopped blogging. I can't accept that she has left writing. Reasons for these changes are unknown and i have no scope to find it out either. But i am not convinced that she has left writing. She could never do so. Just like air that we breath, writing was life for her. She could live without air but without writing i suppose it would raise quite a few eyebros who knew her deep down.
For her there may be many reasons for not coming into the public with her writings. But for me i can't even find a single reason for which she has not kept it going. With all my curiousity i still wait for her blog to get updated someday. I hope she still goes through my blogs and finds this today. Its impossible that she wouldn't be going through this because i know how she used to read my posts as soon as they got posted. Sometimes this really bothers me. Restlessness creeps in with many different fears raising their heads like demons within me. Fears which i can't explain. But there has to be something wrong with her.
Even after contacting her after such long period i couldn't make out the reason. Just like a mystery it has denied to unfold itself. Unfold the real truth which i am unaware of. Awaiting time to give me a chance someday to know the reality. But supposedly those of my fears shouldn't come out true. Praying God for everything to be fine.
Finally, I would thank her once again for making me get into this journey. If you are reading this Neha, then I would appeal to you to get back to blogging. Come back to this world and if you don't intend to then at least let me know the truth. Now its not under my senses anymore. And please give a second thought to your decision. Do get back.
Don't have any other means to convey my thanks other than this. Hope you read it someday.

School Days

[This piece of fiction connects to the days which every individual loves to get back to. The days we always cherish and the incidents which now may appear to be trivial were of the most matured events for us at the beginning of adolescence. Here is an attempt to step back and have a look at the very similar events which we too have experienced at some point of time. The School Days! ]

She looked like an angel. Their eyes met and she gave him a usual smile that had made his heart skip its beat years ago. He neither expected the smile nor did he expect skip of a beat. No doubt he had his excitement to see her after 7 long years. That’s what brought him to the reunion party of his batch at school. He had never attended this event all these years. But this time the reason was quite obvious.
She was getting married next year. This would be her last visit for the reunion. She has never missed a single reunion party after school got over. But this time she didn’t want to attend it. A strange feeling crossed her mind. It was in the morning 9.30 that she realized. She had to reach school by 11am. But this strange feeling of anxiety made her a bit reluctant. Did she hear Ravi saying the other day that Abhinav was coming for this reunion for the first time? But why then is he flying from London only for this event while he never came for the reunions earlier when he was in the same place?
It was after pretty long time that Abhinav was back from office at 8pm. The last whole year had been truly over scheduled. Having got a chance to prove himself, he didn’t wish to let it go this time. It’s been quite hectic for him but he loved to over stress himself. Not because he liked it but he believed in keeping himself so busy that he had no time for other thoughts to cross his mind which he was afraid of. He just wanted to let go off the past. His only belief that he should be busy enough to have no time left through out the day made him work harder and when it came to the end of the day, only thing that his mortal body looked for was a place to lie down in the arms of stress. Lying on the bed he just remembered how busy he had been since he left college. But what went wrong? Why was he so busy? What for? Queries uncountable crossed his mind suddenly. The feeling of restlessness took him to the huge windowpane. He could feel the cold through the glass pane. London looked spectacular from the 22nd floor of his apartment. As he slid the window, a gust of wind kissed him making his specs go blurred. It even made the survival of the warm flame difficult at the fire place. But this didn’t move him. He was lost in thoughts of the chat that he had with Nilima two hours back.
She was late. She finally decided to attend the party. It was her last visit and she didn’t want to miss the opportunity to meet all her old pals for the last time. After all they were the people who had stood alongside her during the thick and thin times of these 7 years. Not to forget the worst phase of life after school. She reached late and it was a delight for everyone to see her. There were those smiling faces and big laughs over the childhood days. Sitting under the big Mango tree they all discussed those childish acts of theirs. Those small fights and big pranks had become memorable for everyone who was part of it. Behind every small thing that they discussed there lived some good old memories which could easily bring out tears in the smiling faces at regular intervals. For Rajni it was a treat to be there and be a part of such a batch which was one of the best ones in the school so far. But her eyes were searching for someone. She knew he would be there. Ravi would not lie to her for any reason. But she wondered why she was anxious.
Abhinav arrived but he was late, for his car broke down on the way. But everyone was really feeling great meeting him after 7 long years. They knew he would be there this time and somewhere everybody thought he had changed a lot since he left. No calls and contact from his side had made everybody think that he was no more their same Abhinav. But meeting him, these all doubts were cleared when they saw the same old shy and charming Abhinav. It was just that he had grown tall with a wide smile that he rarely used to have. Someone said "Hey Abhi, you needn’t stand in front of the queue anymore during the assembly!!" That made everyone burst out laughing. Even Rajni did have a good laugh and when everyone went together for the lunch their eyes met and she had the same smile. How could he forget the smile that had drawn many guys of the school to woo her from the same batch as well as the seniors?
As everybody went ahead with the lunch and chit chats of the most memorable days, Abhinav chose to go around the school and firstly to the room where he had completed his grade X. As he moved along the corridor every thing flashed back. Though it had been 7 long years that he visited his school but that was not big enough for his memories to be blurred. He could remember his first day in school. He, in his 6th grade had to shift school for his dad’s transferable job. Though he never wished to change his school but there was nothing he could do about it. He had to come along leaving behind the past. When he crossed the principal’s room he remembered how he was assigned his class as VI-A and his roll number as 16. That was his identity for his day to start. The heavy new bag, full of new books were heavy enough for him to carry. He had no excitement but a fear while he was escorted to his classroom by the attendant who ruthlessly showed him his classroom and informed the teacher about the new student with roll number 16. He wondered what his parents would do after going back to their new home from the principal’s room. He wished he could join them and be a part of all the fun of unloading and of course settling of things. For him, who was a child of age 11, it was all fun to run around with his new BMW car (of course playing loudest horns even if there was nothing to stop his car) in the magical flat which was actually speaking whatever he spoke. This thought brought about a big smile on Abhinav’s face on his own innocence. Looking back at the principal’s room he moved along to take the stairs to the first floor.
Every step that he took gave him millions of memories and he could feel the excitement now, which he never had on his first day. He kept on smiling like a crazy person. His smile had by then turned into an open hearted laughter when he realized that it was after such a long time that he himself couldn’t make out how long was it. As it was winter vacation for the students, there was no one in the school except him and his batch mates. He had never seen school to be so silent and lonely. His laughter slowly died out as he passed through VI-A. He could see through the glass pane the first bench near the door where he sat for next one year after he was left all alone by that rude attendant at the hands of some brutal lady who perhaps seemed to be the strictest teacher in the school. Well, by the time he could imagine all the fun at home, roll call had started and he started to pay attention when it reached roll no 9, 10 and 11. Just a halt and suddenly he heard someone say ‘dude…enough of sight seeing…come and have your lunch…we are having loads of fun and of course girls are missing u a lot…where are u lost yaar?’ ‘Just a few minutes bro…I’ll be right back..carry on and I promise I would join you people in no time..and yeah thanks for the news about all the girls ;)" , he said. Just then, he saw Rajni in the ground floor. Ignoring her and trying to get back to his sweet memories he moved ahead.
Rajni, who had been to school every year and even more than once a year during these seven years, could actually understand what must have been going through Abhinav’s mind. She could feel the pain in his heart. His reasons for not coming to school after he left no one knew but it was she who had known everything though he hadn’t even contacted her after that. Just that she had known Abhinav since the day he came to school, Rajni knew him very well. Though she had visited school quite regularly in the past but she too was quite nostalgic about her days in school. She was nervous about her new life that was going to begin. There were these other things which didn’t actually keep her connected to the discussions around her. Everybody by now had actually got down from the mode of fun and frolic. Everyone was having their lunch and topics regarding school days had started. People were discussing all the happenings, their experiences of life after school, their new friends, new relationships, the new people they met and how they were moving ahead with the fast paced life. Then there were talks of few people who had already got married and those who couldn’t make it to the event for their personal constraints. There were innumerable talks on various topics which covered everything under the sky including politics and the new generation people. The mood was set for a good time for the whole day. It had been really fun and fantabulous for everyone.
But, on the other hand seriously immersed in his own thoughts and childhood memories, Abhinav walked along and passed by all the class rooms, sports room, staff room, store room, labs where he had spent years of his childhood, his uninterrupted days of fun with his playful friends his lovable teachers who gradually became his best teachers of the lifetime. Ticking of each second in the watch gave him bliss and never ending happiness. He wished if time could halt and he would have another chance to relive his school life. He wondered why every grade he studied was of only one year duration. Why not two or more? He had moved into his childhood innocence and finally when he reached his class X-A, it was all volatile. He was in some other world of his own. He didn’t know what he was trying to do. Where he was heading to? It meant no sense. He just wanted to be there and feel the days which were the last days of his school life. He knew its importance because it was his 10th grade that changed his life significantly though not completely as he had thought when he was in his adolescent. He stood there in front of the door and helped himself in. That was the room where he had lived the best days of his life. He was facing his past in this beautiful set up once more. He moved across the green board through all the desks and benches observing closely each and everything as if he was going through the past itself. He could identify his seat. Moving his hands across the desk, he slowly sat down getting all his nerves under control.
He was lost in his world when he could hear sound of foot steps drawing closer to the room and he could see Rajni standing at the door. Before he could speak anything Rajni walked slowly into the room and he looked with astonishment.
‘Hi Abhi…How are u??’ ‘I’m fine…but how come you are here?’ he reverted back in a hurry.
‘Yes Abhi I know, you must be surprised to see me here and supposedly it’s after such a long time that we are meeting for which you could forget that we are still friends and you didn’t…’
Abhinav interrupted her and said ‘Look Raj, I don’t want to discuss what I have left behind in the past. But anyways, heard you are getting married. Congratulations!’ He was surprised to have asked this question by himself. He was trying to make her comfortable and change the topic but he realized that he had made it worse.
‘Thanks and yeah I’m getting married this March.’, she said and could not look into his face. Turning her head away she started ‘Yeah, his name is Sekhar and he is a businessman in Mumbai. It’s an arranged marriage!!’
Though Abhinav had every detail of it before he reached in Pune, but he didn’t let her know about it. ‘Oh!! wow…that’s great…I hope you are happy with your parents’ decision and you are looking forward to it.’ ‘Of course yes Abhi and being my best friend you can definitely understand my circumstances.’ This sounded like a shock for Abhinav. He couldn’t believe what his ears were hearing. Best Friends was something which he had again never expected.
The first day at school, he had seen the most bubbly, naughty girl during the roll call when she had responded to 11. As the days had passed by, Abhinav had found it tough to connect to his new school. Though he had started interacting with few students, but he still didn’t have the greatest of times. It was then that he had got a new friend named Rajni whose sweet and cute smile had always made him feel good about their friendship which had blossomed quickly into a very strong bond between them. He always considered Rajni as his best friend but he was not sure of the same from the other side.
‘Hey Abhi, are you here???’ ‘Yups’, breaking from the thoughts he said. As he looked into her eyes, she could not keep her calm. She burst into tears as if these were held since long for this moment. Abhinav was awestruck with this and tried to console her for what had happened. But again he could not do anything because he himself was in tears as he knew he was facing his past in his present. He had to do so and he was prepared for it. But he never knew that he would fall weak. In all this, Rajni who had lost her control tried to regain herself and spoke.
‘Abhi, I would like to say sorry for everything that I have done in the past. I know you would never forgive me for that but I am guilty of everything. I know that you always considered me as your best friend. But I had never realized it before. I should not have hurt your emotions.’
Now Abhinav broke free and asked ‘Then why did you do that Raj…why? Why did you accept my love when you knew you had no feelings of that sort? Was it all fake when you went for my proposal in 10th? Oh! God…what a fool I was. I understand that it was too childish at that moment but how could you not think once when you had no feelings for me? You could have said me the truth that you and Subhasis liked each other. Subu was my best friend yaar…how could you both think that I won’t understand?’
‘Yeah, your anger is justified Abhi, but Subu never wanted to hurt your emotions and thus he never said me about his feelings too. And more over as you know, we were very good friends as you and I. After he came to know about your feelings for me and your proposal to me, he had asked me not to break his best friend’s heart. If you remember Abhi, initially I had not said a yes to you because I never had such feelings for you. But it was your best friend and also my best friend Subu who was ready to make the sacrifice keeping everyone in dark. On his conviction that I can always trust you with your feelings and compulsion that I too had the same feelings for you which I was unaware of made me think twice for you. I tried to create feelings and thus I had agreed with Subu to go with your emotions. Abhinav I know it would hurt you but truly speaking I had no feelings for you whatsoever. But hurting you was never my intention. What I didn’t want to lose is your friendship. I didn’t want that shy, charming new comer of our class to lose himself like the time when he had come to our school. I always knew that you were very truthful with your emotions and therefore I tried to love you from the core of my heart. But during those three months of our getting together, I came to know about Subu’s sacrifice. My kinder garden friend, who had been there for me every time, was losing his own control. He was completely lost and I could see love in his eyes which he always hid from me. But how could I let go of my own emotions for him as well. Deep down me too liked roll number 9 very much. I had always required Subu in anything I wanted. This realization of my feelings made me guilty. I didn’t want to hurt you in anyway. Therefore I had decided to break up with you. But I didn’t have the guts to tell you all this at that time. I was hurt myself and wanted to make everything right. I could not help you either in this matter because Abhinav what I knew was that you too loved me as much I loved Subu. As I said I had no intention to hurt you, so I kept myself away from you thinking you might get over these feelings finding me not worth. But by the time passed in 10th grade, Subu and I had already come to know about each others feelings. At this, I know you were hurt the most and there were misunderstandings between you and Subu as well. He also was hurt for this and wanted to make everything clear. Remember Abhi, after 10th when you had come for our first reunion party and on the New Year day Subu had said you that he wanted to say you something? This was all he wanted to say but he couldn’t. He was afraid that may be he would lose your newly regained friendship. Thus he kept quiet. He had said that he would say it all to you someday very soon in the near future but he hardly knew that he was left with only few days after that.’ She burst out saying this and Abhinav was also in tears since long as he had been hearing every word of Rajni. He tried to control himself but he was in complete shock. Yes, he knew about Subhasis’s accident that became the most tragic day of his and everyone’s life. It was then that he had moved to Delhi and he could not even come for the last rituals. But after that he had never come back for any reunion and he had never understood Rajni. He had always misunderstood Rajni. But hearing all this, his soul melted down like a candle burning himself deep within. He was in complete distress. The agony that he had been in, since 7 years, got converted into tears. He cried like a child. Before he could speak anything Rajni continued with tears rolling down her eyes and her voice choking with every word. But she had to speak up. Because even silence can be deceptive! She continued to speak out, for you may never get a chance to speak what you feel, ever again.
‘Abhinav, I just wanted to tell you these things because somewhere I feel guilty for everything that has happened. May be God has punished me by taking my Subu away from me, for all that I had done to you in the past. I had never thought this could be my fate. I am really sorry for hurting you and your emotions. I never had any intention to hurt you but this is how everything had turned out to be.’
Now Abhinav had controlled himself and tried to interrupt Rajni. Tears were still rolling down his eyes but he could realize what would be going through Rajni. Regaining himself he said, ‘Rajni, you need not be sorry for anything. There was no fault of yours. If I look at everything closely then it is you who has gone through all the pain. It is you who has lost the most. It is you who was in all dilemmas. You know Raj, after I came to know about your and Subu’s emotions, I never wanted to hurt two of my best friends. I never knew how much I matter in your lives but you two had always been the most important part of my life. My life in school had found new meaning for you two only. It was that tragic incident that I had decided to leave my past behind. But this time, I got to know about your marriage and I was really happy to know that you have left the past behind. Raj, I just wanted to congratulate you for this and I wish you to be happy. Sometimes, you need to forget the past and think 'jo hota hai ache ke liye hota hai'. You can either be a whimp or a warrior. I have always seen you as a warrior who was never moved by any setback. I want you to get up and be bold enough to face the world. And please don’t worry about me, because I am very happy the way life has taken me. I request you not to feel guilty about anything and not to think that you have ever hurt me. Can friends hurt each other? Aren’t we a reason to smile for each other? You have always been a great friend and will always be one for me. Anyways tell me how your Mr.Smart is and yeah keep your tears in store for your marriage dear.’ Hearing this Rajni smiled back and with tears still in her eyes flowing down with a single motive to lose their identity once they move through her face. Abhinav wiped off her tears, and asked her to go ahead and live the new beginning of her life.
As they looked out through the window pane of the classroom they realized that it had started becoming dark and dusk was fast approaching. They got up from their small seats, where they had those memorable days and walked towards the door. As they moved forward and reached the door, Abhinav looked back at the whole room and felt a sigh of relief and took a deep breath with closed eyes thanking it to have given him the best days of his life. He felt himself to have given away with all anger, agony and frustration. He could feel a new beginning to his life exactly like the last day in school when he had a beginning to his life while leaving it. But this time he could realize how years have passed by.
As they both walked down stairs to join their other friends, Rajni congratulated Abhinav for all his achievements and success over these seven years and asked him to get himself a beautiful wife and be settled. Abhinav had smiled back and without regret agreed and said a big yes. They both reached where their other friends had settled down and without notice got themselves back into their group.
With not much questions, others too realizing the situation, got along with their fun and Abhinav also decided to come back for every reunion party in the future. He felt the beauty of childhood relationships which are more strongly bonded than the ones that we create or get later on in our lives. He had this realization that school days were the best days of his life however good or bad experiences it had brought with it. But school days are the building blocks to any person’s life.
School Days…School Days….School Days !!!!!!!!!

Oh! Calcutta

Seems like its been a decade that I have written !
Oh! What a feeling!
I come back and as always the world around me is sleeping and the wait is for a new sunrise and a new beginning into every sleeping eye. But, I have been scrolling through my memory lane with the best of my knowledge. Why then had i clicked each moment of my past ? I just realized what i always used to do was for today. Getting back to this platform to write again had never crossed my mind. I had always believed that I would resume writing only after I get back to Kolkata. Oh!! Did I say Kolkata and did you read the same?Of course yes!
Again and again my last few posts have always spoken of Kolkata, rather I would prefer to say Calcutta. Thus, many people have come up and asked me why Calcutta even when I am not originally from this place and I even don't have my home there and I have never lived there for more than even half of a year!! This really makes me think twice to answer them. Not because I don't want to but because I seriously don't know that Big 'WHY'. Poeple say I am crazy and I accept it for there is nothing wrong. Yes I am mad for this place and rather I should say obsessed with this place. But some how I too understand I have no specfic reason for all this obsession. But again, now I have realised the reason why I always want to get back to this place keeping everything at stake of my life.
Its the place itself, the people, the dhakki, the idols, the pujo, the rickshaw, the bright yellow taxis, the broken canals, the muddy roads of the rain( those who don't know me in and out would definitely be amazed to know how much I hate muddy roads with water logging of even the slightest kind), of course the water logged Kolkata rain, the food, the people again and lastly the first experience of this place which remains ever lasting due to some amazing 6 days in Oct 2006. Its a different story altogether. This post could have become the continuation of the saga of tales that I had in my blog in my early writing days. I had initially thought of this idea to complete the task left undone in 2006. But for the people who have never gone through the earlier posts would never relate to the events or even to the characters mentioned in the previous posts. So i prefer to keep that personal for some other occasion.
Getting back to what I intended to share, I would throw a bit of light on my whole perception of Kolkata.
Way back in July,2006 we were placed in our campus and were having the best times of our college days. Thanks to a gang of like minded monsters who knew how to screw it after the hard work that was put in to get placed in for the future career. All was set for the big stage to host the biggest journey called life-after-college. The motto of life prior to that event to take place was to ENJOY! Future for me was quite expected. Life had to begin at Kolkata in either CTS or TechM in July,2007(that was a big question mark for me until i realised I joined TechM finally :D). So as to achieve our motto and of course the intention to see the place which would in future be a hell for me took me to Calcutta. Courtesy one of my friends who invited three of us to visit Kolkata during Puja in October. For those who don't know what Puja is let me inform you that Puja is actually Pujo, the biggest festival celebrated in Kolkata for the victory of good over evil by Maa Durga. Without much of planning we reached Kolkata. Unexpectedly the trip was awesome and I got to see the best of Kolkata. And to tell you the truth, my friend's hospitality reflected in the whole of Kolkata. Pandal hopping, shopping, night outs and visits to the best of the best places in kolkata made me familiar to the city of Joy. Unexpectedly, I got a great picture of Kolkata which I would have never got had I directly visited Kolkata for joining. The trip ended along with the end of my prior perception of Kolkata being very unruly and hell of a place.
Came July,2007. Final destination Kolkata! Or should I again correct myself by saying Calcutta. Why do I always correct myself for this ? Well, for me Calcutta was the experience of my college time visit. And Kolkata was my joining location! But before joining, there had been another visit to Kolkata as well which ended up being another hell of an experience. I mean these visits always became one of the best parts of my life. Having had two great experiences with Calcutta, I always expected Kolkata(the place of joining location) to turn out to be Calcutta( the place of Lovely memories of the past). But, as always, we rarely come upto our own expectation level. Leave apart expecting a place to come upto its level. Started off with big blows and real bad time. But as my sub concious mind was already prepared for it since I had a wrong perception of this place. So, it didn't take me long to accept and I along with my roommates could come over it. Then i realised life can always throw an exception. But during this hard time at Kolkata, I suddenly felt the conversion of Kolkata to Calcutta for me. Just because I could see and learn a lot about life which also became the best part of my life as a memory. We had started staying in the same 1BHK flat where we had stayed for the visit to Calcutta in 2006. Things changed for me thereafter.
By the time I left Calcutta, it had already become just like heaven for me. Though I never got a chance to stay during Puja in 2007 or visit the places or the people who had become a strong part of my memory during my first visit in 2006, but they always remain to be at the safest part of my memory lane. Getting back to Kolkata never meant getting back to a place. For me its always getting back to Calcutta feeling, just like heaven. No doubt, I created some fabulous memories during my stay in 2007 as well. That also became another reason for me to speak of Calcutta. Never ever did I think in my wildest dreams that Kolkata would become one of my biggest obsessions in life. Its just that I don't want to feel guilty about my biggest regret of my life. I just don't want to live with the biggest regret of my life forever.
I want to get back, to rewrite some more pages, undo few mistakes and come off the regret.
Can I ever go Back Oh Calcutta!!

Some Diary Pages - A fiction from Internet

SOME DIARY PAGES – 1

Date: 15-Jan
HE:
I wait everyday till 8.00 in the office even if there is no work. All of my teammates ask me why; how can I tell them that I don’t wait for any personal or official work but the only reason why I wait is the ‘secretary’- a girl in my 8.00 p.m. Chinchwad bus. ‘Secretary’ is not her real name, it’s sort of a code name given to her by me and my friends. Truly speaking, I like her. She might not be one of those who look like Aishwarya Rai or Preitty Zinta, but she is cute and simple and that’s the reason I like her. For past 6 months I have been staring at her in the bus, while going to office and coming back from the office. When I get into bus, somehow my eyes search the whole bus just to have her glimpse.
I never had a girlfriend till now, not that I don’t like to have friendship with girls but somehow they usually prefer tall-dark-handsome qualities in their boyfriends, out of which I possess none. I don’t want to jump to any relationship like this with the secretary but at least just a friendship, is it possible?
I want to talk to her. I want to have friendship with her. I know her name, for I had seen her ID card one day. But I don’t have the guts to talk to her. I even don’t know whether she knows me even by face. I know, no one can help me here; no-one other than myself, but I simply have no guts. At least someone probably a common friend, might at least formally introduce us to each other.
SHE:
There is one guy in my office bus. His name is Shriram. I think he likes me, for me and even my friends have observed him many times staring at myself. Even when he gets into the bus, rather than searching for an empty seat, his eyes search the whole bus for me. Don’t know why but I kind of like it. Sometimes the feeling of knowing that someone loves you is far better than actually loving somebody. I didn’t have any affair till today, not that I didn’t like or love anyone, there was a guy in my college, whom I liked a lot but somehow he stayed away from me, not that he didn’t like me but probably because I am not that beautiful and he wanted someone much more better than me.
This guy, Shri, that’s what his friends call him, I had heard it once in the bus; he seems to be interested in me, not sure about love as such but friendship might not be bad. At least the guy seems to be decent one. I would like to be his friend, but how can I go forward? Afterall he is the boy, he should come one step ahead …not me.
SOME DIARY PAGES – 2
Date: 16-Jan
HE:
My roommate told me to approach her and get introduced to her all by myself. It’s not that easy; this is not a college, what if she complains about this to higher authorities? No, I can’t take this risk. Someone else better introduce her to me. God, can you help me please?
SHE:
My cousin told me to show some sign to him that I am ok in having friendship with him. I think he is afraid to come forward. I’ll give him a good friendly smile tomorrow, when he gets into the bus. I hope he understands and decrypts my signal. God, can you please help him?
GOD:
Now should I come into this picture? Both of these human beings are acting as if they are in a big problem. Although not for me, I had made life so simple for you, just added a bit of emotions there and see how complex you have made it. Now that I am the god, you must have been expecting me to intervene and have some miracle, but no; I won’t interfere here. I have created this world with some fixed rules and everything is just working as per that. Why should I just interfere and break my own rules thereby disrupting the balance of this whole system?
SOME DIARY PAGES – 3
Date: 17-Jan
HE:
Today when I got into the bus and looked at her, she returned back a cute smile. Was she serious? I don’t know; probably she must have told her friends about me and they must have been making fun of me and that’s why when I got into the bus she started laughing and I misunderstood it for smiling. Such a fool of me. Damn, her friends must be having fun discussing things about me.
SHE:
Today when he got into the bus, I smiled at him. But he seemed to be more puzzled than pleased. Is he really interested in having friendship with me or not? I really don’t know. Why am I thinking so much about him? Have I started liking him? Or is it just like you just get used to some things as a habit, and then you unknowingly start liking them? I think it’s the latter case here. Please god please let that guy be a descent one. My sixth sense says he is a descent guy. I think he must have got puzzled because of the smile I gave him. It wasn’t my fault, for I showed him that I am interested in friendship. Now the ball lies in his court. Will he dare first to talk?
Date: 18-Jan
HE:
I am damn confused. I don’t know what to do. Every day everyone around me is bombarding me with some tactics to approach her but nothing seems to suit me well. My roommates even started taunting me that I can’t have a girlfriend or at least the guts to approach the gal. I am leaving it now on luck. I will just continue whatever is going on; let the luck take us wherever and however intended.
SOME DIARY PAGES – 4
Date: 25-Jan
HE:
Nothing unusual or special happened in the last few days. However, today I thought something interesting might happen. The bus was about to start the back-home journey today when she and one of her friends got into the bus. They were searching for a place to sit. I was alone on a seat of three. I was thrilled that she would sit on the same seat beside me. But she just came, momentarily paused at the seat, turned to her friend and just went past; to sit on the last seat. I couldn’t see the expressions on her face clearly but what I saw was a face filled up with hate or some similar feeling that clearly showed expression such as whatever might happen, I am not going to sit beside this *****. It was really heartbreaking. It was the biggest insult I had suffered till now. Am I so hopeless?
Date: 26-Jan
HE:
Today, there was public holiday so I got lot of time to think and analyze the situation. What was my fault? I haven’t done anything wrong. I didn’t ever talk to her, I never tried to flirt, I never gossiped about her except for my close friends. I am even sure that none of my co-travelers in the bus know that I like her. Whenever I stare at her I take necessary precaution as not to be too obvious. I don’t want to embarrass her in any way. When I am trying my best for this, then why did she have such cruel expressions on the face?
I think either she knows now that I like her and stare at her and she doesn’t want to encourage me or simply, she just hates me for no reason, just like many of my classmates who hate me for no reason.
I don’t know what to do now, but either ways I think she just doesn’t want me to be anywhere around her. She just hates me, just one more failure. Does it hurt? Yes it does, but I am very much used to it. I’ll try my best not to look at her. I don’t want to do anything that she doesn’t like. I will try to forget her as if she was just one more dream in my life which simply didn’t come true. Probably, I don’t deserve to be with her. This is fate after all. I will have to obey it.
Date: 26-Jan
SHE:
Today was a holiday. So I couldn’t see him, although I wanted to. I actually wanted to apologize for whatever happened yesterday. I got into the bus and searched for the seat. He was sitting alone on the seat for 3, it was a good chance for me to sit with him and have a word or two. I was just thrilled. I was about to sit on the same seat when Kruti said something. I didn’t hear it properly so I turned to her. She said,”See, Aravind is there, he has reserved seats for us.” I just hate that Aravind, he is always ready to flirt provided the other person is a girl. Whenever I see him, somehow I try my best to be as away from him as I can, I even show hatred to him directly on my face but this guy simply ignores this. I don’t know why Kruti likes him so much.
So the point is I went to the seat that Aravind had reserved specially for us. I felt really bad for Shri, but if I would have denied Aravind’s offer and would have sat on Shri’s seat; it would have just been too obvious. He must have felt embarrassed. Poor guy.
SOME DIARY PAGES – 5
Date: 27-Jan
SHE:
Today he seemed to have lost in thoughts. When he got into the bus, surprisingly he didn’t search for me. He even didn’t look up. He just went straight to the last seat and started reading a novel. I tried looking at him once or twice but he didn’t lift his head at all. I think he is hurt, I am feeling sorry, but what can I do? When we got down at the office gate, I purposefully lingered a bit more at the gates to give back him a smile, but I couldn’t spot him in the crowd. Shri, I am sorry, please be normal again.
Date: 27-Feb
HE:
I was working in the night shift for the whole month so had to travel by cab rather than bus. I used to work from 4.00 p.m. to 2.30 a.m. so naturally I had lost contact with almost all people working in dayshift except for my teammates who would surrender the charge to me while leaving for the day. For the whole month I didn’t travel by bus. Obviously didn’t see her. She works in the adjacent building only, but I don’t know where her cubicle is located exactly and anyways even if I would be knowing that, I don’t think I have that much guts to approach her.
For almost a month I didn’t see her, but I didn’t feel any desperation to see her. I was unbelievably aloof in this case. Was it the effect of that evening incidence?
SOME DIARY PAGES – 6
Date: 28-Feb
HE:
Today, the office had planned to screen a movie in the campus. I had seen it but thought of enjoying it with friends in the open air. I took the permission for an hour from my boss and went for that. The dialogues were not much audible on the lawns, but it was fun to watch the movie in an open air theatre like that. I was to leave the place to return to my cubicle and turned around when I saw her standing there just around 10 feet away from me.
I don’t know why but my heart started speeding a lot higher than even Schumi’s Ferrari. She just smiled at someone in the crowd at my back, tried her best not to look directly to me and just left the place. I stood there for a minute or two just wondering what had happened.
Why did she smile? Did she feel good that I am still in the same company only or she didn’t even take notice of my presence and really smiled at someone in the crowd at my back? But we were so close that it was practically impossible for her to just ignore me.
SHE:
I saw him today, at the movie screening. Thank god he is still working with this company only. I thought of smiling at him and greeting him. I was so happy to see him, I wanted to ask him where he was for so many days, whether he was not well, had he changed his house or was he using bike for the transport, but again I didn’t ask a single question. I stayed calm. I didn’t want to embarrass him again.
I don’t know what I feel about him, but somehow whenever I see him, I do feel better. I hope he starts traveling by bus again. Every day we can see each other in the morning and wish each other a very good morning without any words or smile but just with a plain look
SOME DIARY PAGES – 7
Date: 5-march
HE:
I resumed my normal duty today. It was good to see all those familiar faces once again after so many days. Of course my eyes were searching only one face out of that but still.
Just like my normal schedule, I got into the bus. She was sitting there with the same plain look on her face, nowhere even a single line of recognition, but when she saw me, her face reflected a small smile. It couldn’t escape my notice. Was she happy to see me back in the bus? I don’t know about her, but I was definitely happy to see her.
SHE:
I was so happy, I tried my best to conceal my happiness but I felt like getting up from my seat and just sit beside him and talk, talk and just talk to him. Hey what’s this? What’s happening to me? I never felt like this for anyone. Is this just sympathy for that evening thing or is this love? No chance of it. I don’t believe in this love at first sight or so. We don’t know each other, we don’t know anything about each other, and how can this be love? Probably just infatuation… whatever it may be… I love this feeling very much
SOME DIARY PAGES – 8
DATE: 7-March
HE:
Today can be called as the luckiest day of my life. I talked to her face to face for the first time. Rajesh, my friend had some work in Nigdi today and was traveling by our bus and surprisingly he knew her well. They were college mates during the degree. He introduced us formally. I was so happy, that I just forgot that sometime back she just avoided sitting beside me. Everything in my brain, all my nervousness, and hatred for her as well as for my loser …all was just washed up.
Now I can talk to her, I hope I can turn this chance to success. Oh god thanks a lot… Rajesh was just like an angel sent by you.
SHE:
Thanks a lottt god…. I am so happy. Even he was. I could easily make that out from his face. It was just so bright. He still has feelings for me. Thank god, I thought after that day I kinda lost him, but no. Now we can talk to each other officially. No problem of who is first … we are friends now. God you are great.
Rajesh:
Today I had some work in Nigdi so had to travel by office bus. I thought better to go with Shri just for the sake of good company but it didn’t seem to be necessary when I saw my best friend from our degree college traveling by the same bus. It was a really pleasant surprise to see her after a couple of years or so. I think my transfer to Pune will result in some good thing. She has become more beautiful than she was in our college days. Damn.. Why the hell did I neglect her in college when she had crush on me… I hope she is still single, not even committed or so. I would like simple girl like to get settled in life. Now I am well settled in job, should go forward with love matter also.
When I introduced Shri to her today, somehow her face lit up as if she was eager to have a word or two with him since many days. Shri’s condition was no different. Do they have something between them? I hope there is nothing of such sort. Oh God, thanks a lot that you made me meet her, I hope you help me once again to make her mine. Please just keep Shri out of this.
GOD:
If you get only happiness then you don’t feel its value, do you? That’s why everything is planned in such a way that whenever you get happy you should understand its true value. I haven’t done anything special here. It’s all just happening as predefined.

SOME DIARY PAGES – 9
Date: 10-March
HE:
Since Rajesh has introduced us to each other, the days have been very good for us. I mean I didn’t talk to her or so, but at least we exchange smile regularly. Let’s see whether I can sit beside her sometime and have a word or two.
Date:12-March
HE:
I sat beside her today in the bus while returning from office. We were chatting a lot, on no specific topics as such, but I really enjoyed her company. She is really a cute, simple and sweet girl. She said she will be reserving a seat for me in the morning bus. Let’s see whether she really keeps her promise…
Date:16-March
HE:
Since last few days, she had been reserving a seat for me in the morning as well as in the evening bus. We both seem to enjoy each other’s company very well. I decided to take a step forward today. I asked her for a cup of coffee in the afternoon. I was a bit depressed about what she might reply but surprisingly, she said yes without thinking even for a moment as if she was actually waiting for such a move from my side. We decided to meet at 4 near the café inside the campus.
She didn’t turn up. I don’t have her cell number so I even couldn’t call her and ask why she did so. It was so embarrassing for me to wait there just alone. Did she do it purposefully? Why? I could make out no sensible reason.
If she would be having a meeting or some office work, she should have informed me. She didn’t call me. My extension or even cell number was available with the telephone directory. Did she do it for the only reason that she wanted to show that she doesn’t care for me and prove her importance?
SHE:
Today that happened real disaster. The servers were down and I was so busy in recovering them, debugging the code that I almost forgot I had my first ‘date’ with Shri. I suddenly remembered it just before going to a meeting at 2 and I was sure that I can easily finish off with the meeting by 4 and meet Shri, but no. The destiny had some other plans. I had to be in meeting till 5. I even couldn’t phone Shri and inform him that I am not coming. By the time I was free from that chaos, it was already 6. He must have left for the day. He was going to Mumbai today, so he must have left early.
What can I do? I wanted to meet him and apologize face to face. Mail or phone won’t do. I hope we meet on Monday. I’ll explain him everything. He is a nice guy. He will understand me properly. I am hoping so, obviously I don’t have any other option at least till Monday.
SOME DIARY PAGES – 10
Date:19-March
HE:
I left for the day early today at 6. I had traveled from Mumbai in the morning and so needed rest or was it just to avoid her since she travels by 8 o’clock bus? I don’t know the reason but I felt like just avoiding her.
SHE:
Where is he? He must have come from Mumbai in the morning and joined directly, that’s why he wasn’t in the morning bus, but why not in the usual evening bus at 8? Probably he was tired. Let’s hope he meets me tomorrow morning. He will listen to me and this time I will invite him for a coffee or so.
Date: 21-March
HE:
Yesterday, she explained me the whole thing. How stupid of me? I was thinking really absurd things about her. She is such a cute girl; it was not her mistake that she had to attend the meeting. I was kind of ok when she gave me the explanation. The conversation after that just went normal as it used to be earlier. Whatever that might be but I am not going to ask her out anymore.
Date: 22-March
HE:
What the hell… what does she think of herself? Today she invited me for a coffee at 4. I went there on time. I didn’t want to miss it but again she didn’t turn up. Why? Is she just stressing how important she is and how unimportant I am for her? I felt like calling her there only and just ask the reason why is she playing games with me like this. I decided to ask this for full and final what the matter was, but she didn’t turn up even for 8 o’clock bus.
Date:27-March
HE:
I couldn’t see her for last 5 days. Did she come to office? Isn’t she feeling well? I hope she is alright. Oh God, please protect her.
Date: 10-April
Rajesh:
Her father was seriously ill. As a family friend, I helped a lot. She couldn’t go to office for a fortnight or so, but I helped her in conveying the matter to her seniors. I think this last week helped me a lot as in building a rapport with her and her parents. Fate has given me a good chance to get closer to her, I think I can progress here.
Date:25-April
SHE:
Today I met Shri finally after so many days. I thought he might be still angry about the coffee thing, but to my surprise, he was a bit tensed as to why I was not coming to the office. I explained him that daddy was seriously ill. He enquired about dad’s health and then simply changed the subject to turn my attention to somewhere else. He was just trying to take me out of the tension about dad’s health. He is such a mature guy, I knew he would understand.
Date: 20-May
SHE:
Shri and I have been going out for a long time now. I have started loving him. I think even he is serious about this relationship but he is younger than me and I don’t think he is ready for any commitment at this stage of his life, but mumma and dad are pursuing me for marriage; what should I do? Should I ask him?
Date: 22-May
SHE:
Shri told me today that he is leaving the company. He has got an admission to MBA in a College in Mumbai. It’s really difficult to be away from him at least for 2 years. Should I ask him for a relationship? Will he be ready for that or he just wants to wait till the completion of his MBA? But I can’t wait that much. I think I’ll better ask him straight about the commitment let’s see what he says.
Date: 23-May
Rajesh:
Today I proposed to her. She didn’t show any expressions as such on face and asked for some time to think about it, but I know she must have be just too happy for she had crush on me in our college life. I think she will say ‘yes’. Just that I need to confirm, that Shri doesn’t come in between. Everything should go smooth otherwise. Even her and my parents would not have any problem in fact they would be happy if she and I get into the most beautiful relationship.
HE:
Today she called me up and asked to meet for a coffee at our usual place, but later suddenly she called up to cancel the meeting. I don’t know why. She sounded stressed a bit on phone so I concluded it to be the result of work pressure. But when I saw her in the evening in the bus today, she was in a bit off-mood. I don’t know why. She then just held my hand. I think she wanted to say something but she was not able to. I couldn’t even understand what she wanted to say but I kept mum. When my stop came nearer, she released my hand. I asked her whether she was alright. She didn’t reply anything else than ‘yes, just fine’.
I tried calling her in the night after dinner, but she didn’t pick up. I think she must be stressed because of the work and must have slept early. I hope nothing is wrong. Oh god, please take care of her.
SHE:
Today was the most dreadful day for me. Rajesh proposed to me. My mood was off. I loved him in college but he didn’t seem to pay any attention to me. At times he literally avoided me. Later somehow I just managed to overcome that feeling. I loved him, but he didn’t. There are no conditions in love after all. I tried my best to forget feelings about him, at least suppress them. He never seemed to like me. Then why now? Has his feelings really changed? Or he is just playing games with me?
I was going to propose Shri today. It would have been the most crucial moment of my life and this guy, Rajesh just turned off my mood. I was literally shocked to hear from him. Not that I don’t like him but now that a couple of years have passed when we had no contact and even Shri is there in my life. Much water has flown down the bridge. I don’t know whether I still love him, and I also don’t know whether Shri is ready to have a commitment as such with me. I am just confused. Oh god, please help me. Show me some way. Why didn’t you device any automatic system to solve such problems?
GOD:
Automatic system? Wow!!! All these software engineers think alike. They think just the computerization of every system solves most of the related problems. But real life is not so simple. The real life is much more complex thing to handle. In arithmetic you have 1+1 =2; but in real life you may have 1+1 as anything but 2. That’s life.
About the automatic system to solve the real life problems, I have given you humans one such machine. Some call it heart, some mind or some just brain. I gave you the ability to think. You can take decisions based on your prior experience, your conscience and you can very easily use it to make decisions and I am sure even she will find out a way in this ambivalence because even if she does not trust my creations, I do.
Date: 24-May
SHE:
Yesterday after so many days I cried. I cried a lot. I was completely lost in dilemma. I was not able to think properly. What should I do? I loved Rajesh a couple of years ago but he didn’t, at that time. Now he loves me but I love Shri. Rajesh wants to settle down in life and he wants me to be with him. Shri has not planned something of that sort, he is just going to complete his MBA first and then will think of getting settled. Rajesh, he is of my age, very much mature; whereas Shri is younger, a bit of immature but that suits his age. Rajesh, my family knows him very well and will be ready perhaps eager to include him in as my husband; whereas Shri, I haven’t told anything about him to mom or dad yet.
But I love Shri a lot, probably more than I used to love Rajesh in college days. How should I make a decision? Based on feeling for love or based on my future, the practical aspects for my life? Where should I go? Oh god, please help me. I need you immensely. Please please, help me make the decision.
Date: 30-May
HE:
Last few days just flew past like a stormy wind. All those processes I had to undergo in order to leave the company, just because I wanted to pursue better career in MBA rather than staying here and stagnating. A few more days and I am off to achieve my dreams.
Just the problem is, I don’t want to leave her, my love, my secretary. I really love her. Since when my infatuation turned into love was unknown even to me. I don’t want to leave her but I can’t even stay here. Even I am doing MBA in Mumbai not even here in Pune. Will she wait for me for at least 2-3 years which I will need to complete MBA and get settled?
I have said goodbye to everyone, it was not that difficult; but it’s definitely not the same with her. I don’t know whether I will be able to say her goodbye and how I am going to do that.
SHE:
I have made my decision. I don’t know how to convey it but I will have to do it. One of the two hearts is going to get broken but there is no any other way. I have made my decision and I’ll stick to it. Oh god, please give me strength to convey the decision and then bear everything that follows...
Date: 19-June
SHE:
Today was Shri’s birthday and also his last day in Pune as well as in this company. He left in the evening for Mumbai. It was really a heartbreaking moment to see him parting, especially when both of us were completely aware that we might not see each other in future. I had made the decision; the only problem was how to convey it to him. I chose to be practical than just blind in love. People give you cool gifts on your birthday but what I gave him was just a shock, a damn big shock. He didn’t say anything except for ‘congrats’ and ‘good luck’ but his face told me everything he wanted to convey. I cried there standing in the whole crowd of his friends who had gathered to wish him luck and goodbye. He couldn’t cry out but if possible, he could just have wept then and there.
I said him sorry that I chose Rajesh over him. What he replied was surprising. He just replied, ‘No need to say sorry. It’s your life, you have complete right to make a decision and you are mature enough to do so and you have made a wise decision. We were friends and will be, but please don’t expect me to keep a contact with you. I loved you and I really loved you from the bottom of my heart. Now whenever I will think of you I will not have anything else than love in my mind and I think same might be the case with you; and that won’t be right especially when u will be a married woman; married to someone else. So this is our last meet. Thanks for the friendship and the feeling of love that you gave me. Best luck for your future life.’ And he just went inside the bus.
Was he so aloof or he just tried to sound so as not to make me feel worse about our parting? I think for all those days that I spent with Shri, I still couldn’t understand him properly. Anyways Shri, what the truth is that I loved you. I loved you like anything but the decision I made was based on practical aspects of life. My decision will prove to be better for both of us and I am damn sure of it. I had started writing diary since when I had seen you for the first time, now since you are not there in my life, I am going to discontinue this practice. This is the last page of my diary. Best luck Shri, for your future. Love you. Bbye.
HE:
This was the worst birthday of my life when I broke up with my love. It can’t be termed as a breakup as such but we parted; we parted forever with a promise not to cross the other’s life anytime in future. I felt like crying; but boys don’t cry, do they? Yes they cry, but secretly….and that’s why I am crying now. The whole page is wet because of my tears. Anyways this is the last page. I have decided not to write this diary anymore. This diary had come into my life with secretary, and since secretary is no more with me, what’s the purpose of this diary? Secretary, just wanted to say best luck for your future. I Love you. Bye.
SOME DIARY PAGES – 14... Concluding Part
Rajesh:
Finally, today is that lucky day for me. She said yes. I am so happy. She is mine. Finally my dream has come true. Oh God thanks a lot. You have made my day, in fact my life. Very few people get to live with someone they love; I am one of those lucky ones. My happiness has no bounds. I am very very happy today.
Shri left the company today, I don’t know whether we will be able to meet each other in future. I had gone to say good bye and wish good luck to him. He was talking to her. When I saw her face, I again felt some pain in my heart. Are they both having something? If so, why did she say Yes to me? Are they trying to cover-up something? Or is she playing games with me? Or am I coming as an odd between the two? I could see tears in Shri’s eyes when he left her and got into the bus. Her condition was no different, in fact she literally cried. She seemed to recover after a couple of minutes but the way she was looking somewhere into the vacuum, her face clearly was clearly telling her diligent attempts to control tears. Oh god, please show me the way. I hope I didn’t do anything wrong by proposing her.
The way they both were talking to each other didn’t show any sign of quarrel or fight between them. Then why they separated? Or they shared some feeling for each other and none of them just bothered to express it? Whatever the situation might be, she has said ‘yes’ to me; must be for some reason, whatever ; she is mine now. Shri is her past and she will forget him; in fact she will have to. Whatever the case may be, I love her and that’s it.
GOD:
Okay. Here is the end of this story, not a unique; in fact a very very common one. You might be expecting me to interfere in it at the eleventh hour and change the ending so that either; before the bus starts, She runs to the bus and gets into it and goes with Shri to Mumbai or probably when the bus is about to leave, Shri jumps out and hugs her or Rajesh feels something wrong and just takes her on bike and follows the bus just to stop it and make her get into the bus for Shri and so on? Nopes. This is not a Tamil film. This is a real life story and not a reel life one.
She took the decision wisely after evaluating each option she had. She had thought practically in every aspect. Won’t interference by me be just injustice to her thoughts? Won’t it be a betrayal to her trust that the option she chose is the best one? Won’t it be just a wrong deed on my side and that too just to please some others without any particularly sensible reason?
As I said, I have made this world with some predefined rules. The balance of this world totally depends on the events that are happening every now and then. No event is of more or less important than the other. Every moment, situation, event has some sort of purpose and so stands of equal importance. The purpose might not be directly related to you but it can also affect you indirectly. As said before, I had already decided not to intervene and I stuck to my word. Now you will say that it’s me only who decides everything ultimately. Yes. Indeed true but that’s what my point is. I decided her fate to be with Rajesh, that’s it. I hope you understand; in fact I am sure you will … again that’s what your fate says….