Silence Kills, Speak Up

Silence can be deceptive. Speak up, you may never get a chance to say what you wanted to.

Some Diary Pages - A fiction from Internet


Date: 15-Jan
I wait everyday till 8.00 in the office even if there is no work. All of my teammates ask me why; how can I tell them that I don’t wait for any personal or official work but the only reason why I wait is the ‘secretary’- a girl in my 8.00 p.m. Chinchwad bus. ‘Secretary’ is not her real name, it’s sort of a code name given to her by me and my friends. Truly speaking, I like her. She might not be one of those who look like Aishwarya Rai or Preitty Zinta, but she is cute and simple and that’s the reason I like her. For past 6 months I have been staring at her in the bus, while going to office and coming back from the office. When I get into bus, somehow my eyes search the whole bus just to have her glimpse.
I never had a girlfriend till now, not that I don’t like to have friendship with girls but somehow they usually prefer tall-dark-handsome qualities in their boyfriends, out of which I possess none. I don’t want to jump to any relationship like this with the secretary but at least just a friendship, is it possible?
I want to talk to her. I want to have friendship with her. I know her name, for I had seen her ID card one day. But I don’t have the guts to talk to her. I even don’t know whether she knows me even by face. I know, no one can help me here; no-one other than myself, but I simply have no guts. At least someone probably a common friend, might at least formally introduce us to each other.
There is one guy in my office bus. His name is Shriram. I think he likes me, for me and even my friends have observed him many times staring at myself. Even when he gets into the bus, rather than searching for an empty seat, his eyes search the whole bus for me. Don’t know why but I kind of like it. Sometimes the feeling of knowing that someone loves you is far better than actually loving somebody. I didn’t have any affair till today, not that I didn’t like or love anyone, there was a guy in my college, whom I liked a lot but somehow he stayed away from me, not that he didn’t like me but probably because I am not that beautiful and he wanted someone much more better than me.
This guy, Shri, that’s what his friends call him, I had heard it once in the bus; he seems to be interested in me, not sure about love as such but friendship might not be bad. At least the guy seems to be decent one. I would like to be his friend, but how can I go forward? Afterall he is the boy, he should come one step ahead …not me.
Date: 16-Jan
My roommate told me to approach her and get introduced to her all by myself. It’s not that easy; this is not a college, what if she complains about this to higher authorities? No, I can’t take this risk. Someone else better introduce her to me. God, can you help me please?
My cousin told me to show some sign to him that I am ok in having friendship with him. I think he is afraid to come forward. I’ll give him a good friendly smile tomorrow, when he gets into the bus. I hope he understands and decrypts my signal. God, can you please help him?
Now should I come into this picture? Both of these human beings are acting as if they are in a big problem. Although not for me, I had made life so simple for you, just added a bit of emotions there and see how complex you have made it. Now that I am the god, you must have been expecting me to intervene and have some miracle, but no; I won’t interfere here. I have created this world with some fixed rules and everything is just working as per that. Why should I just interfere and break my own rules thereby disrupting the balance of this whole system?
Date: 17-Jan
Today when I got into the bus and looked at her, she returned back a cute smile. Was she serious? I don’t know; probably she must have told her friends about me and they must have been making fun of me and that’s why when I got into the bus she started laughing and I misunderstood it for smiling. Such a fool of me. Damn, her friends must be having fun discussing things about me.
Today when he got into the bus, I smiled at him. But he seemed to be more puzzled than pleased. Is he really interested in having friendship with me or not? I really don’t know. Why am I thinking so much about him? Have I started liking him? Or is it just like you just get used to some things as a habit, and then you unknowingly start liking them? I think it’s the latter case here. Please god please let that guy be a descent one. My sixth sense says he is a descent guy. I think he must have got puzzled because of the smile I gave him. It wasn’t my fault, for I showed him that I am interested in friendship. Now the ball lies in his court. Will he dare first to talk?
Date: 18-Jan
I am damn confused. I don’t know what to do. Every day everyone around me is bombarding me with some tactics to approach her but nothing seems to suit me well. My roommates even started taunting me that I can’t have a girlfriend or at least the guts to approach the gal. I am leaving it now on luck. I will just continue whatever is going on; let the luck take us wherever and however intended.
Date: 25-Jan
Nothing unusual or special happened in the last few days. However, today I thought something interesting might happen. The bus was about to start the back-home journey today when she and one of her friends got into the bus. They were searching for a place to sit. I was alone on a seat of three. I was thrilled that she would sit on the same seat beside me. But she just came, momentarily paused at the seat, turned to her friend and just went past; to sit on the last seat. I couldn’t see the expressions on her face clearly but what I saw was a face filled up with hate or some similar feeling that clearly showed expression such as whatever might happen, I am not going to sit beside this *****. It was really heartbreaking. It was the biggest insult I had suffered till now. Am I so hopeless?
Date: 26-Jan
Today, there was public holiday so I got lot of time to think and analyze the situation. What was my fault? I haven’t done anything wrong. I didn’t ever talk to her, I never tried to flirt, I never gossiped about her except for my close friends. I am even sure that none of my co-travelers in the bus know that I like her. Whenever I stare at her I take necessary precaution as not to be too obvious. I don’t want to embarrass her in any way. When I am trying my best for this, then why did she have such cruel expressions on the face?
I think either she knows now that I like her and stare at her and she doesn’t want to encourage me or simply, she just hates me for no reason, just like many of my classmates who hate me for no reason.
I don’t know what to do now, but either ways I think she just doesn’t want me to be anywhere around her. She just hates me, just one more failure. Does it hurt? Yes it does, but I am very much used to it. I’ll try my best not to look at her. I don’t want to do anything that she doesn’t like. I will try to forget her as if she was just one more dream in my life which simply didn’t come true. Probably, I don’t deserve to be with her. This is fate after all. I will have to obey it.
Date: 26-Jan
Today was a holiday. So I couldn’t see him, although I wanted to. I actually wanted to apologize for whatever happened yesterday. I got into the bus and searched for the seat. He was sitting alone on the seat for 3, it was a good chance for me to sit with him and have a word or two. I was just thrilled. I was about to sit on the same seat when Kruti said something. I didn’t hear it properly so I turned to her. She said,”See, Aravind is there, he has reserved seats for us.” I just hate that Aravind, he is always ready to flirt provided the other person is a girl. Whenever I see him, somehow I try my best to be as away from him as I can, I even show hatred to him directly on my face but this guy simply ignores this. I don’t know why Kruti likes him so much.
So the point is I went to the seat that Aravind had reserved specially for us. I felt really bad for Shri, but if I would have denied Aravind’s offer and would have sat on Shri’s seat; it would have just been too obvious. He must have felt embarrassed. Poor guy.
Date: 27-Jan
Today he seemed to have lost in thoughts. When he got into the bus, surprisingly he didn’t search for me. He even didn’t look up. He just went straight to the last seat and started reading a novel. I tried looking at him once or twice but he didn’t lift his head at all. I think he is hurt, I am feeling sorry, but what can I do? When we got down at the office gate, I purposefully lingered a bit more at the gates to give back him a smile, but I couldn’t spot him in the crowd. Shri, I am sorry, please be normal again.
Date: 27-Feb
I was working in the night shift for the whole month so had to travel by cab rather than bus. I used to work from 4.00 p.m. to 2.30 a.m. so naturally I had lost contact with almost all people working in dayshift except for my teammates who would surrender the charge to me while leaving for the day. For the whole month I didn’t travel by bus. Obviously didn’t see her. She works in the adjacent building only, but I don’t know where her cubicle is located exactly and anyways even if I would be knowing that, I don’t think I have that much guts to approach her.
For almost a month I didn’t see her, but I didn’t feel any desperation to see her. I was unbelievably aloof in this case. Was it the effect of that evening incidence?
Date: 28-Feb
Today, the office had planned to screen a movie in the campus. I had seen it but thought of enjoying it with friends in the open air. I took the permission for an hour from my boss and went for that. The dialogues were not much audible on the lawns, but it was fun to watch the movie in an open air theatre like that. I was to leave the place to return to my cubicle and turned around when I saw her standing there just around 10 feet away from me.
I don’t know why but my heart started speeding a lot higher than even Schumi’s Ferrari. She just smiled at someone in the crowd at my back, tried her best not to look directly to me and just left the place. I stood there for a minute or two just wondering what had happened.
Why did she smile? Did she feel good that I am still in the same company only or she didn’t even take notice of my presence and really smiled at someone in the crowd at my back? But we were so close that it was practically impossible for her to just ignore me.
I saw him today, at the movie screening. Thank god he is still working with this company only. I thought of smiling at him and greeting him. I was so happy to see him, I wanted to ask him where he was for so many days, whether he was not well, had he changed his house or was he using bike for the transport, but again I didn’t ask a single question. I stayed calm. I didn’t want to embarrass him again.
I don’t know what I feel about him, but somehow whenever I see him, I do feel better. I hope he starts traveling by bus again. Every day we can see each other in the morning and wish each other a very good morning without any words or smile but just with a plain look
Date: 5-march
I resumed my normal duty today. It was good to see all those familiar faces once again after so many days. Of course my eyes were searching only one face out of that but still.
Just like my normal schedule, I got into the bus. She was sitting there with the same plain look on her face, nowhere even a single line of recognition, but when she saw me, her face reflected a small smile. It couldn’t escape my notice. Was she happy to see me back in the bus? I don’t know about her, but I was definitely happy to see her.
I was so happy, I tried my best to conceal my happiness but I felt like getting up from my seat and just sit beside him and talk, talk and just talk to him. Hey what’s this? What’s happening to me? I never felt like this for anyone. Is this just sympathy for that evening thing or is this love? No chance of it. I don’t believe in this love at first sight or so. We don’t know each other, we don’t know anything about each other, and how can this be love? Probably just infatuation… whatever it may be… I love this feeling very much
DATE: 7-March
Today can be called as the luckiest day of my life. I talked to her face to face for the first time. Rajesh, my friend had some work in Nigdi today and was traveling by our bus and surprisingly he knew her well. They were college mates during the degree. He introduced us formally. I was so happy, that I just forgot that sometime back she just avoided sitting beside me. Everything in my brain, all my nervousness, and hatred for her as well as for my loser …all was just washed up.
Now I can talk to her, I hope I can turn this chance to success. Oh god thanks a lot… Rajesh was just like an angel sent by you.
Thanks a lottt god…. I am so happy. Even he was. I could easily make that out from his face. It was just so bright. He still has feelings for me. Thank god, I thought after that day I kinda lost him, but no. Now we can talk to each other officially. No problem of who is first … we are friends now. God you are great.
Today I had some work in Nigdi so had to travel by office bus. I thought better to go with Shri just for the sake of good company but it didn’t seem to be necessary when I saw my best friend from our degree college traveling by the same bus. It was a really pleasant surprise to see her after a couple of years or so. I think my transfer to Pune will result in some good thing. She has become more beautiful than she was in our college days. Damn.. Why the hell did I neglect her in college when she had crush on me… I hope she is still single, not even committed or so. I would like simple girl like to get settled in life. Now I am well settled in job, should go forward with love matter also.
When I introduced Shri to her today, somehow her face lit up as if she was eager to have a word or two with him since many days. Shri’s condition was no different. Do they have something between them? I hope there is nothing of such sort. Oh God, thanks a lot that you made me meet her, I hope you help me once again to make her mine. Please just keep Shri out of this.
If you get only happiness then you don’t feel its value, do you? That’s why everything is planned in such a way that whenever you get happy you should understand its true value. I haven’t done anything special here. It’s all just happening as predefined.

Date: 10-March
Since Rajesh has introduced us to each other, the days have been very good for us. I mean I didn’t talk to her or so, but at least we exchange smile regularly. Let’s see whether I can sit beside her sometime and have a word or two.
I sat beside her today in the bus while returning from office. We were chatting a lot, on no specific topics as such, but I really enjoyed her company. She is really a cute, simple and sweet girl. She said she will be reserving a seat for me in the morning bus. Let’s see whether she really keeps her promise…
Since last few days, she had been reserving a seat for me in the morning as well as in the evening bus. We both seem to enjoy each other’s company very well. I decided to take a step forward today. I asked her for a cup of coffee in the afternoon. I was a bit depressed about what she might reply but surprisingly, she said yes without thinking even for a moment as if she was actually waiting for such a move from my side. We decided to meet at 4 near the café inside the campus.
She didn’t turn up. I don’t have her cell number so I even couldn’t call her and ask why she did so. It was so embarrassing for me to wait there just alone. Did she do it purposefully? Why? I could make out no sensible reason.
If she would be having a meeting or some office work, she should have informed me. She didn’t call me. My extension or even cell number was available with the telephone directory. Did she do it for the only reason that she wanted to show that she doesn’t care for me and prove her importance?
Today that happened real disaster. The servers were down and I was so busy in recovering them, debugging the code that I almost forgot I had my first ‘date’ with Shri. I suddenly remembered it just before going to a meeting at 2 and I was sure that I can easily finish off with the meeting by 4 and meet Shri, but no. The destiny had some other plans. I had to be in meeting till 5. I even couldn’t phone Shri and inform him that I am not coming. By the time I was free from that chaos, it was already 6. He must have left for the day. He was going to Mumbai today, so he must have left early.
What can I do? I wanted to meet him and apologize face to face. Mail or phone won’t do. I hope we meet on Monday. I’ll explain him everything. He is a nice guy. He will understand me properly. I am hoping so, obviously I don’t have any other option at least till Monday.
I left for the day early today at 6. I had traveled from Mumbai in the morning and so needed rest or was it just to avoid her since she travels by 8 o’clock bus? I don’t know the reason but I felt like just avoiding her.
Where is he? He must have come from Mumbai in the morning and joined directly, that’s why he wasn’t in the morning bus, but why not in the usual evening bus at 8? Probably he was tired. Let’s hope he meets me tomorrow morning. He will listen to me and this time I will invite him for a coffee or so.
Date: 21-March
Yesterday, she explained me the whole thing. How stupid of me? I was thinking really absurd things about her. She is such a cute girl; it was not her mistake that she had to attend the meeting. I was kind of ok when she gave me the explanation. The conversation after that just went normal as it used to be earlier. Whatever that might be but I am not going to ask her out anymore.
Date: 22-March
What the hell… what does she think of herself? Today she invited me for a coffee at 4. I went there on time. I didn’t want to miss it but again she didn’t turn up. Why? Is she just stressing how important she is and how unimportant I am for her? I felt like calling her there only and just ask the reason why is she playing games with me like this. I decided to ask this for full and final what the matter was, but she didn’t turn up even for 8 o’clock bus.
I couldn’t see her for last 5 days. Did she come to office? Isn’t she feeling well? I hope she is alright. Oh God, please protect her.
Date: 10-April
Her father was seriously ill. As a family friend, I helped a lot. She couldn’t go to office for a fortnight or so, but I helped her in conveying the matter to her seniors. I think this last week helped me a lot as in building a rapport with her and her parents. Fate has given me a good chance to get closer to her, I think I can progress here.
Today I met Shri finally after so many days. I thought he might be still angry about the coffee thing, but to my surprise, he was a bit tensed as to why I was not coming to the office. I explained him that daddy was seriously ill. He enquired about dad’s health and then simply changed the subject to turn my attention to somewhere else. He was just trying to take me out of the tension about dad’s health. He is such a mature guy, I knew he would understand.
Date: 20-May
Shri and I have been going out for a long time now. I have started loving him. I think even he is serious about this relationship but he is younger than me and I don’t think he is ready for any commitment at this stage of his life, but mumma and dad are pursuing me for marriage; what should I do? Should I ask him?
Date: 22-May
Shri told me today that he is leaving the company. He has got an admission to MBA in a College in Mumbai. It’s really difficult to be away from him at least for 2 years. Should I ask him for a relationship? Will he be ready for that or he just wants to wait till the completion of his MBA? But I can’t wait that much. I think I’ll better ask him straight about the commitment let’s see what he says.
Date: 23-May
Today I proposed to her. She didn’t show any expressions as such on face and asked for some time to think about it, but I know she must have be just too happy for she had crush on me in our college life. I think she will say ‘yes’. Just that I need to confirm, that Shri doesn’t come in between. Everything should go smooth otherwise. Even her and my parents would not have any problem in fact they would be happy if she and I get into the most beautiful relationship.
Today she called me up and asked to meet for a coffee at our usual place, but later suddenly she called up to cancel the meeting. I don’t know why. She sounded stressed a bit on phone so I concluded it to be the result of work pressure. But when I saw her in the evening in the bus today, she was in a bit off-mood. I don’t know why. She then just held my hand. I think she wanted to say something but she was not able to. I couldn’t even understand what she wanted to say but I kept mum. When my stop came nearer, she released my hand. I asked her whether she was alright. She didn’t reply anything else than ‘yes, just fine’.
I tried calling her in the night after dinner, but she didn’t pick up. I think she must be stressed because of the work and must have slept early. I hope nothing is wrong. Oh god, please take care of her.
Today was the most dreadful day for me. Rajesh proposed to me. My mood was off. I loved him in college but he didn’t seem to pay any attention to me. At times he literally avoided me. Later somehow I just managed to overcome that feeling. I loved him, but he didn’t. There are no conditions in love after all. I tried my best to forget feelings about him, at least suppress them. He never seemed to like me. Then why now? Has his feelings really changed? Or he is just playing games with me?
I was going to propose Shri today. It would have been the most crucial moment of my life and this guy, Rajesh just turned off my mood. I was literally shocked to hear from him. Not that I don’t like him but now that a couple of years have passed when we had no contact and even Shri is there in my life. Much water has flown down the bridge. I don’t know whether I still love him, and I also don’t know whether Shri is ready to have a commitment as such with me. I am just confused. Oh god, please help me. Show me some way. Why didn’t you device any automatic system to solve such problems?
Automatic system? Wow!!! All these software engineers think alike. They think just the computerization of every system solves most of the related problems. But real life is not so simple. The real life is much more complex thing to handle. In arithmetic you have 1+1 =2; but in real life you may have 1+1 as anything but 2. That’s life.
About the automatic system to solve the real life problems, I have given you humans one such machine. Some call it heart, some mind or some just brain. I gave you the ability to think. You can take decisions based on your prior experience, your conscience and you can very easily use it to make decisions and I am sure even she will find out a way in this ambivalence because even if she does not trust my creations, I do.
Date: 24-May
Yesterday after so many days I cried. I cried a lot. I was completely lost in dilemma. I was not able to think properly. What should I do? I loved Rajesh a couple of years ago but he didn’t, at that time. Now he loves me but I love Shri. Rajesh wants to settle down in life and he wants me to be with him. Shri has not planned something of that sort, he is just going to complete his MBA first and then will think of getting settled. Rajesh, he is of my age, very much mature; whereas Shri is younger, a bit of immature but that suits his age. Rajesh, my family knows him very well and will be ready perhaps eager to include him in as my husband; whereas Shri, I haven’t told anything about him to mom or dad yet.
But I love Shri a lot, probably more than I used to love Rajesh in college days. How should I make a decision? Based on feeling for love or based on my future, the practical aspects for my life? Where should I go? Oh god, please help me. I need you immensely. Please please, help me make the decision.
Date: 30-May
Last few days just flew past like a stormy wind. All those processes I had to undergo in order to leave the company, just because I wanted to pursue better career in MBA rather than staying here and stagnating. A few more days and I am off to achieve my dreams.
Just the problem is, I don’t want to leave her, my love, my secretary. I really love her. Since when my infatuation turned into love was unknown even to me. I don’t want to leave her but I can’t even stay here. Even I am doing MBA in Mumbai not even here in Pune. Will she wait for me for at least 2-3 years which I will need to complete MBA and get settled?
I have said goodbye to everyone, it was not that difficult; but it’s definitely not the same with her. I don’t know whether I will be able to say her goodbye and how I am going to do that.
I have made my decision. I don’t know how to convey it but I will have to do it. One of the two hearts is going to get broken but there is no any other way. I have made my decision and I’ll stick to it. Oh god, please give me strength to convey the decision and then bear everything that follows...
Date: 19-June
Today was Shri’s birthday and also his last day in Pune as well as in this company. He left in the evening for Mumbai. It was really a heartbreaking moment to see him parting, especially when both of us were completely aware that we might not see each other in future. I had made the decision; the only problem was how to convey it to him. I chose to be practical than just blind in love. People give you cool gifts on your birthday but what I gave him was just a shock, a damn big shock. He didn’t say anything except for ‘congrats’ and ‘good luck’ but his face told me everything he wanted to convey. I cried there standing in the whole crowd of his friends who had gathered to wish him luck and goodbye. He couldn’t cry out but if possible, he could just have wept then and there.
I said him sorry that I chose Rajesh over him. What he replied was surprising. He just replied, ‘No need to say sorry. It’s your life, you have complete right to make a decision and you are mature enough to do so and you have made a wise decision. We were friends and will be, but please don’t expect me to keep a contact with you. I loved you and I really loved you from the bottom of my heart. Now whenever I will think of you I will not have anything else than love in my mind and I think same might be the case with you; and that won’t be right especially when u will be a married woman; married to someone else. So this is our last meet. Thanks for the friendship and the feeling of love that you gave me. Best luck for your future life.’ And he just went inside the bus.
Was he so aloof or he just tried to sound so as not to make me feel worse about our parting? I think for all those days that I spent with Shri, I still couldn’t understand him properly. Anyways Shri, what the truth is that I loved you. I loved you like anything but the decision I made was based on practical aspects of life. My decision will prove to be better for both of us and I am damn sure of it. I had started writing diary since when I had seen you for the first time, now since you are not there in my life, I am going to discontinue this practice. This is the last page of my diary. Best luck Shri, for your future. Love you. Bbye.
This was the worst birthday of my life when I broke up with my love. It can’t be termed as a breakup as such but we parted; we parted forever with a promise not to cross the other’s life anytime in future. I felt like crying; but boys don’t cry, do they? Yes they cry, but secretly….and that’s why I am crying now. The whole page is wet because of my tears. Anyways this is the last page. I have decided not to write this diary anymore. This diary had come into my life with secretary, and since secretary is no more with me, what’s the purpose of this diary? Secretary, just wanted to say best luck for your future. I Love you. Bye.
SOME DIARY PAGES – 14... Concluding Part
Finally, today is that lucky day for me. She said yes. I am so happy. She is mine. Finally my dream has come true. Oh God thanks a lot. You have made my day, in fact my life. Very few people get to live with someone they love; I am one of those lucky ones. My happiness has no bounds. I am very very happy today.
Shri left the company today, I don’t know whether we will be able to meet each other in future. I had gone to say good bye and wish good luck to him. He was talking to her. When I saw her face, I again felt some pain in my heart. Are they both having something? If so, why did she say Yes to me? Are they trying to cover-up something? Or is she playing games with me? Or am I coming as an odd between the two? I could see tears in Shri’s eyes when he left her and got into the bus. Her condition was no different, in fact she literally cried. She seemed to recover after a couple of minutes but the way she was looking somewhere into the vacuum, her face clearly was clearly telling her diligent attempts to control tears. Oh god, please show me the way. I hope I didn’t do anything wrong by proposing her.
The way they both were talking to each other didn’t show any sign of quarrel or fight between them. Then why they separated? Or they shared some feeling for each other and none of them just bothered to express it? Whatever the situation might be, she has said ‘yes’ to me; must be for some reason, whatever ; she is mine now. Shri is her past and she will forget him; in fact she will have to. Whatever the case may be, I love her and that’s it.
Okay. Here is the end of this story, not a unique; in fact a very very common one. You might be expecting me to interfere in it at the eleventh hour and change the ending so that either; before the bus starts, She runs to the bus and gets into it and goes with Shri to Mumbai or probably when the bus is about to leave, Shri jumps out and hugs her or Rajesh feels something wrong and just takes her on bike and follows the bus just to stop it and make her get into the bus for Shri and so on? Nopes. This is not a Tamil film. This is a real life story and not a reel life one.
She took the decision wisely after evaluating each option she had. She had thought practically in every aspect. Won’t interference by me be just injustice to her thoughts? Won’t it be a betrayal to her trust that the option she chose is the best one? Won’t it be just a wrong deed on my side and that too just to please some others without any particularly sensible reason?
As I said, I have made this world with some predefined rules. The balance of this world totally depends on the events that are happening every now and then. No event is of more or less important than the other. Every moment, situation, event has some sort of purpose and so stands of equal importance. The purpose might not be directly related to you but it can also affect you indirectly. As said before, I had already decided not to intervene and I stuck to my word. Now you will say that it’s me only who decides everything ultimately. Yes. Indeed true but that’s what my point is. I decided her fate to be with Rajesh, that’s it. I hope you understand; in fact I am sure you will … again that’s what your fate says….

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