Silence Kills, Speak Up

Silence can be deceptive. Speak up, you may never get a chance to say what you wanted to.




AM I Being Myself ?

As I was walking down the road to my office building which sits close to my flat, I don’t know how and why I felt like writing things up which came shooting into my mind. It was after such a long time that I felt like writing. There was a gust of thoughts which had not come to me since long. Thoughts which were regarding me and I was thinking all this being a third person to me. The way I have been over these two years after leaving college. How I have changed as person personally, physically (may be not much as per others but I have: P), professionally and most importantly emotionally.

So what are the changes that I am talking about? A few observations recently on me put forward this thought that yes I have changed a lot over the period of time. But please don't ask me if they are for good or bad. Whatever it may be it is me. They say "the only constant in life is Change..." and how true has that proved to me! I had always imagined Abhisek i.e. Me as a person who would hardly come across changes when it comes to accepting it. I am resistant to changes may it be change of bed or room or seat at office or food point or anything you may say. And with this I remember I have changed my number! Gosh that is what I had never intended to do. Well, logically speaking I have not changed my number. My previous number still exists and I would continue to use that once I get my cell phone repaired. But for the time being that number is switched off and I have been using a new number which is not with anyone else except for few who have been in regular touch. But, after all I have changed my number and it’s been more than three weeks now. I have not given it to any of my friends from college or from yesteryears. Not that I don’t care about them or don’t want to be in touch with them. But I have not made an effort to circulate my number which I would have done by mails, orkut and sms to all of them few years back the day I would have got a new number. But why is it that I have not done it this time? I too don't know!

It was amusing to get a call from Parul yesterday yelling at me on my new number. She had been trying my old number since three four days but hadn’t got it connected. And finally somehow she got my new number from someone, I still don’t know who. But frankly speaking it was actually surprising to know this. I never expected her to try my number until my bday :P. Even that seems to be a bit over expectation but I never expected her call. Why I mentioned about her is that, this thing made me realize that I have not given my number to anyone and that’s how change has come within me. I have stopped listening to music! Whow !! That is impossible. But yes I have. I have stopped orkutting for hours now! I have learnt how to spend time alone at home; I have learnt how to enjoy a good book. Never thought in my wildest dream that I would complete reading books over night. Have been reading different books and the latest is of a different genre altogether. Its "Games Indians Play - Why We Are the Way We Are by V Raghunathan". That a great book and a must read for everyone who is an Indian.

Well, lets move on to something else. I told you, today I was in a writing mood after a long time. Visited few of my old friends' profile early in the morning. It was Adwitee and Sumandeep's profile that caught my eyes. Well yeah, they have been good friends from college but we weren't that great friends either. It was just by chance that I landed up in their profiles and many good memories came running to my mind. And this was the point where thoughts shoot up from all directions. Even if I had got a notepad to jot down I would have failed to do so. Anyways.. Having visited Adwitee's profile specifically took me back to my first year at college. I had roll no 1 and hers was 5. So we were teammates through out the 4 years in labs, vivas anything done in groups on the basis of roll numbers. So, she was a very good friend. The best days were when Sumandeep, Biswajit, Ajay, Dibya, Adwitee and I were involved with our attempt to create and publish a year book for our IT 2007 passing out batch. Those were the times when I realized how good these people were. Among the people I admire from the core of my heart, Sumandeep, Biswajit, Ajay, Adwitee and Dibya are the names that I must not forget to mention. The year book is still with me but I realized today that I have not opened the same since a year or so. The book which we had created for this purpose only to have a remembrance of those beautiful days is still lying in some corner of my cupboard. And it hasn’t caught my attention since long. That’s why I feel I have changed. Recently a very good friend of mine, Himanshu, had sent me a sms regarding the completion of 2nd anniversary of our engineering. Now when I had got the sms I felt nice to remember that day i.e. 27th April 2007. But somehow I didn’t feel anything different. No one to share it with who would understand its importance. There are hundreds of such dates which come across people. So how does it matter to others? It did to me on the first anniversary. But not on the second. And moreover, I too have moved on. I had always thought that I would miss my friends, college and those days. And I was not wrong. But I was wrong when I used to think that life would be nothing without them. Now I am living a life without all that. Nothing is similar to what used to be two years back. Prachi has been there through out but our relationship has also changed and this I can say is for the best. But we are no more like we used to be during college days. But somehow I feel I have been ditched by time. I didn’t have the guts to look back and take a turn. I did turn initially but like others who had preferred to move on I too did chose that path. And here I am writing this about my college days after 2 years of leaving. Now that’s what I had never expected. I had reached Kolkata and from there to Pune. But in all that I never wrote anything about college on my blog. It all was regarding my new life, new friends and new environment. I am guilty in this regard. I could have made a better effort to be what I wanted to be. There have been times when people have complained me for not being in touch. Now that’s harsh. When did I stop them from being in touch with me if I was not? Did I deny them not to be in touch with me? Well, I would prefer leaving this topic here. But somehow I feel I could have been more generous and not changed.

Well, as I said, lot has changed over these two years. Pallavi got married on 28th April! And that’s news!! I still can't believe that I wasn’t a part of her wedding just because I am hired by a god damn company which pays me some 20K odd bucks. This is what I had never thought. I always feared this life and life has proved itself over and over again. How true my parents have been in such matters. I remember when in college my mom saying me "beta, yeh sab dost wagera jo bhi hain...sahi hai lekin jab tum log alag jagah pe rahoge..no one would be around...n u wouldn’t even get time to meet them for years together...what will only matter is your life and your family"... and then I used to be so irrational in my thoughts... I never agreed to what mom used to say. But today as I see myself I somewhat agree to her words though not completely. May be I need to reach her age to agree completely. I had been to b'lore to meet pallu before she got married. and it was really great to be with her and himanshu. there were days when we all used to be with each others for more than one third of a day... but now we met after more than one and half years...that too just because pallu was getting married and she would be leaving India after that. And look as I write this she has already got married and has left India. So that’s how life has been changing. So how come I won’t change?

Well, all these thoughts have come across several times in bits and pieces. But I never had the will to pen them down. I had lost the zeal to write as I used to have few months back. I feel really weird now remembering that two days back I had updated my orkut profile and in that for the passion section I had written "none for the time being". How have things changed me really makes me wonder if I am the same person as I was. AM I being myself?

4 broke the Silence...wen wud U?: (+add yours?)

Moll said...

u have left me with no words......just two tears that didnt roll down..(:-P ya i have changed 2) i used to be a girl known for crying if yelled at by dad(ofcourse now i dont!!) but like you said never know if its for good or bad...but it is what it is n it is bcoz it Had to be dat way...
sometimes change is the only key to survival so u neednt feel guilty about that Definitely Not!!!
n for the keepin in touch part...hmmmmmm...now i wont say you are solely at fault but u r a partner to it aren't u? especially the new no. thing(as you hv mentioned already..He...He..good dat she yelled at you..:-D..;-P)...So just send all you friends a mail or scrap(guess u hv already)
So Boss dont worry be Haaappppy!!
:-D
well by now even i'm happy actually the mom part had made me feel low as i 2 had gone through quite the same instance few days back n had reacted in exactly d same manner but then had realized how wrong i was.....anyways......
part of life dear......
separation is an inseparable part of life...
n so is change..
So no regrets okey dokey?!!
Jus kp Smilin..!!

Monty said...

Thanks for those words dear... will always keep smiling... :)

Dr.IICE said...

hey Abhishek,this piece is really pensive...Its natural that when u get on with life and when it becomes really hectic u tend to forget little things that used to be your life once.!!! It has happened with me and as i go through the pours of your heart,i can really feel it...
Ayaskant Singh

P.S..u can go through my blog,though i rarely find the time or zeal to update it frequently...

Monty said...

Hey wow !! good to see ur comment.. thanks for those words and good to know that u too are a blogger !! cool...will surely visit your blog.